How do I bring up the idea with my wife?

[CuriousAValonCouple6262 1]

My wife and I have been together nearly 40 years. Our sex life has kind of stalled and I believe that considering some type of lifestyle activity would add some excitement. Our relationship is quite strong and believe we could handle the experience, I just am not sure how to broach the subject. Any suggestions?

Edited October 16, 2022 by CuriousAValonCouple6262

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

It's very hard to give you specific answers since we don't know you, your wife, or your relationship.  That said...

 

You say your relationship is quite strong, and that's a fundamental requirement for swinging. It's often said that swinging is a magnifying glass. What if finds, it magnifies. If there are problems in your marriage, it will magnify them. If there is a strong love, it will magnify that.

 

Another crucial element in a successful swinging couple is very strong communication, and a willingness to bare your soul to your partner. Some couples go their entire lives together never truly being absolutely close. It can be challenging. If your wife does bare things to you, it's very important to be a completely receptive and positive listener. Even light sarcasm can teach not to trust absolutely.

 

What I would recommend is having a deep dialogue with your wife, where she feels in her physical relationship with you, and your relationship in general. What do you want more of? What do you want less of? What could be better, and what is really good? You may feel like your sex life is stalled, but for her it could feel like it's naturally progressing towards being quieter. You note you've been together 40 years; that means she's been through menopause. That can have a negative impact on a woman's sex drive. I know it has for my wife. She is still quite interested, but the level of intensity is different now. It could be that way for your wife as well. What are her needs? Are they being met? How can you make it better?

 

Understand; swinging should never be something that is used to 'solve' something. If there is a concern with your sex life, swinging can help but it shouldn't be viewed as being a cure for that concern.

 

It may be that you can venture into more daring areas of your sex lives. Doing it in a public place, taking photos of her nude, maybe even posting them (newbie nudes is a place for that, and people view and respond). You can have her get a full massage with a male massage therapist without any intention of doing anything with him other then enjoy the massage, but in her mind she could be imaging him as another lover. Have her dress really nicely and sit at the bar of a nice hotel, while you sit a discreet distance away at a table, and see what attention she gets. There's lots of ways to explore this without doing anything with someone else. These things by themselves might be a big injection of fun into your sex lives.

 

Don't, however, use the above suggestions to test the waters to see how she might react to actually having sex with someone else without first talking about that idea. To her, that could feel like a setup. That's not being honest with her.

 

Also, you need to judge for yourself; would you be comfortable with her having sex with another man? Would you be comfortable having sex with another woman? Stereotypically, it sounds easy for a guy, right? But, you've not been with another woman in 40 years. That's going to feel quite weird. Do you think you could do that? What about her? Could she imagine having sex with another man after 40 years of just you? What about how she would feel with you having sex with another woman? It's kind of the old saying; be careful what you wish for. You just might get it :)

 

Feel free to ask us any questions you might have. Invite your wife to the conversation :) We're a helpful bunch here, and will be quite happy to answer your questions.

[couplers 4,614]

Make her feel comfortable by always letting her take the lead, start by talking about what she wants to talk about.  It may be long ago, but ask her who of her past boyfriends, lovers she liked.  Who would she had been with if you hadn't come along?  When she responds in any way, reward her - offer to take her to dinner to talk about it more.

 

Ask her which famous guy (actor, athlete) she finds attractive and why.  When she feels comfortable mentioning someone (maybe even a woman) celebrate by taking her shopping to buy new clothes to dress for him.  See if she is open to pretending when you're making love.

 

It may take weeks or months, but once she starts to open up about her fantasies, ask her who of your current friends and acquaintances she finds attractive.  Never, ever criticize her choices!  ("John?  Not John, that jerk," will kill it.)  Test if she is willing to bring those fantasy lovers into your bedroom.  When she does, celebrate and reward her by suggesting that you go on a nice getaway vacation, a memorable weekend, to play with her fantasies.

 

Make it clear at every step that this is about her, not you.  Answer questions if she asks, but don't dwell on that girl who gave you such great blow jobsin high school.  Be enthusiastic about her enjoyment: past, current fantasy, and future reality.

 

It may take time, so enjoy the journey each step of the way.  From my perspective as a woman, women enjoy sex and even sexual variety as much as men, but are afraid of repercussions from every direction.  For every step she takes, reassure her and protect her.

Edited October 17, 2022 by couplers

[enhancer 1,584]

I believe the best thing to do if your love life has stalled is to fix it within yourselves!  Bringing other people in is not going to fix it.  If anything it could cause more problems.

[lovefest04 697]

Use the old Animal House trick.

 

Hi Honey, how are you.

 

"Hey, listen did you manage to get to the store and get the groceries for this weekend? Oh and we really should get the lawn mowed on Saturday, maybe clean up the garage as well, have sex with strangers and oh, do you need any help with he dishes tonight?

 

Love you.

[couplers 4,614]

15 hours ago, lovefest04 said:

have sex with strangers

"Thanks for remembering.  I had forgotten."