Nervous about Jealousy

[LoveCouple2 58]

My wife and I have recently had a huge spark in our relationship and sex life.  She has had a recent weight loss that has made her more sexual at the same time as “How to Build Sex Room” came out.  We met later in life after previous relationships (early 40s) and have had a great relationship and sex life.  We have always liked watching porn together and recently started trying different things such as light BDSM, wide range of sex toys, etc.  Something that has come up with our conversations is that we would like to watch live sex.  Which turned into where do we see live sex?  That turned into swingers clubs, then swingers resorts, then further conversations about her having fantasies about her seeing other women pleasuring me and her being turned on.  I’m rambling on, but I have always been the jealous type.  I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I can’t wrap my head around being happy watching my wife being pleasured by another guy.  I feel like I will be the person that “has that sound and image” ingrained in my head.  When we talk about it and read stories, we both get turned on until I think about my wife with another man.  I’m trying to read and research, but I’m struggling.  Please don’t judge!  Anyone else experienced this?

[lcmim 1,082]

You sound pretty normal for this point in your journey.

 

Someone on this list once described Jealousy as fear of loss.

Is that lingering in you for some reason? If it is I suggest dealing with it.

It can be something a simple as dealing with a girl in your early years dumping you for another, when your age had not properly equipped you to cope, and you just buried it.

 

Make sure that you involve your lady in your internal search. She will need to know  what you have inside if anything seems to be going sideways.

 

You may just be feeling fear that he will somehow be better.

He may be. He for sure will be new and different.

In my experience this was followed by a "Thank You for giving me that" directed at me . Your experience may be different, but I think it is pretty common.

 

Ultimately though this is one of those,you will not know until you do it, things.

 

At any rate DO NOT PROCEED until you are pretty certain that your head is screwed on straight.

[couplers 4,636]

10 hours ago, LoveCouple2 said:

I have always been the jealous type.  I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I can’t wrap my head around being happy watching my wife being pleasured by another guy. ..  Anyone else experienced this?

Yes, that was and is me exactly, except I am the wife. Despite my boyfriend/fiancé/husband David letting me continue a full-on relationship with my ex-fiancée, I could not stand the thought of him doing anything with another woman.

 

One day after about two years, a girlfriend of mine mentioned that David was good-looking and it must be nice with him in bed.  I snapped, but in a good way, and said, "If you'd like that it can be arranged.  Hubby thinks you're attractive too."  (He never said that, but I thought it good to throw it in.)  Well, she said she would like, so I did, and David was more than willing.  It hurt, it burned, it drove me crazy with jealousy, but it was also good, like the burn of a hard run.  Like coming off a scary roller coaster and asking, "Can we do it again?"  It was an achievement, like I was stretching myself beyond old limits.  As things progressed with her and a few other willing women, I not only got over my jealousy, but when I had sex with hubby it was more fantastic than ever.  I am definitely not over it, but jealousy has gone from being my demon to my addiction.  Knowing another woman desires David but he is my husband?  Fantastic.  Sex with him afterwards, knowing that he still wants, prefers, me?  Wonderfully flattering.

Like with most things my approach was to go full-on, all at once after I decided it was the thing to do.  May I suggest, however, that you could take an incremental approach.  The first step would be to go someplace where nudity is acceptable, a swing club or a nudist resort or merely with like-minded friends, and have her (and you) be naked in front of other men.  Next step for you two to have sex between yourselves in front of others, a swing club or friends.  After you process that together afterwards, move on to a soft swap where you watch another man put his hands on her, starting with clothes on, later naked.  Then other soft swap activities: breast touching, hand jobs, fingering, blowjobs, her getting licked, etc.  Along the way you will get into it, want more, and eventually full swap.  And then you will be telling us here it is the best thing that ever happened to your life.
 

[enhancer 1,585]

Not a problem I have ever had!  Love seeing my lady with other men.  It is a huge turn on.  She is just as incredible to watch as she is to be with.  At the end of the day I know she loves me and loves sex with me.  I am also not insecure at all about how I perform in bed.  I have always been more of a giver then a taker.

 

Honestly if you know you are going to be jealous and the thought of watching her eats you up inside then don’t do it.  This lifestyle is not for everyone and that is alright.

[discreetplay 235]

As others have said, your thoughts are normal. enhancer said it correctly 'this lifestyle is not for everyone'.

 

Visiting a club wouldn't be too bad. Most people at clubs are pretty respectful of 'no'. Many people believe that you walk into a swinger's club and you're instantly in an orgy. I know more people who were disappointed at a swinger's clubs because they couldn't get any action than those who went and found it easy to find couples to play with. 

 

And if you do go to a club, just know that your wife will get 10 times the attention you'll get. If you have any hesitation surrounding jealousy, a swinger's club could cause more because women get the attention. Unless you have an aura, a presence, look like George Clooney, etc, expect to be more anonymous while your wife gets attention.

[LoveCouple2 58]

9 minutes ago, discreetplay said:

As others have said, your thoughts are normal. enhancer said it correctly 'this lifestyle is not for everyone'.

 

Visiting a club wouldn't be too bad. Most people at clubs are pretty respectful of 'no'. Many people believe that you walk into a swinger's club and you're instantly in an orgy. I know more people who were disappointed at a swinger's clubs because they couldn't get any action than those who went and found it easy to find couples to play with. 

 

And if you do go to a club, just know that your wife will get 10 times the attention you'll get. If you have any hesitation surrounding jealousy, a swinger's club could cause more because women get the attention. Unless you have an aura, a presence, look like George Clooney, etc, expect to be more anonymous while your wife gets attention.

Thanks for the feedback.  We are going to try a Club in December to see how we feel. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

I used to be a very jealous person until I found the solution. The enemy of jealousy is trust and communication. If you have great communication, it creates great trust. With great trust comes great love. With these things, jealousy has nothing to hold onto.

[tbone1 79]

While not everyone will have the same experience, I think fucking my wife after she has been banged by another guy is HOT!   Don't look at it with jealousy.  She is just enjoying being pleasured.  She is not in love with the guy, she loves you.  She's getting fucked.  It's sex.  She's still going home with you.  

[Numex 2,414]

On 11/7/2022 at 8:08 PM, LoveCouple2 said:

I can’t wrap my head around being happy watching my wife being pleasured by another guy.  I feel like I will be the person that “has that sound and image” ingrained in my head.  When we talk about it and read stories, we both get turned on until I think about my wife with another man.

Unless she is the rare exception, didn't your wife fuck guys before she met you?  Maybe even a little overlap between the time you guys first started fucking and when she gave up her previous sex partner?  How did you live with that image in your mind? 

 

Maybe as a first step to condition yourself to the reality of the world that people, including women, including your wife, want multiple sex partners even after they get married, you two need to talk about her sexual past.  Start with just asking her who (other than you) she fucked the most.  Digest that thought.  Days, weeks or months later ask her who she enjoyed the most (other than you), have her describe the experiences, what she really liked about her favorite sex partners.  Eventually, you will not only get used to it, but also come to like the thoughts of her with another guy and take joy in the thought of her being pleased by someone else.  Then slowly move on from there.

[findinganswers 369]

Before I go on, we did it and survived. Feelings are something that we have even if we surprises them.
I had the fear and the jealousy of my wife wanting to have sex with her friends or our friends. I wondered what her friend was feeding her that made her want to have sex with them. I felt she wanted more because she wasn’t getting what she wanted from me. Some feelings won’t go away if you don’t allow them to leave. What you need to do is keep emotions in check, keep love separated from sex and others have stated, you weren’t the first most likely. 
Either you deny your wife the fantasy she seeks or you live with the what if. Many on here had the same fears and many have pushed their spouses to try. Some men enjoy seeing their wives acting out and enjoying, some just go along. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

Regrettably, there is a reality that you won't know until you try. Set a boundary you can both respect. Start there. Don't be afraid to stop.

 

You can't un-creampie your wife, but you might figure out pretty out pretty quickly if you like watching her get her tits sucked.

 

For the record, having the sounds and images burned into your brain isn't always a bad thing.

[Numex 2,414]

2 hours ago, EastInWest said:

You can't un-creampie your wife,

I beg to differ.  It's not like it permanently changes her, like if she chopped off a finger.  What might happen is that she gets some pleasure from it - and is grateful to you.

 

2 hours ago, EastInWest said:

you might figure out pretty out pretty quickly if you like watching her get her tits sucked.

But that's the wrong perspective.  The question is does SHE like getting her tits sucked by someone else?

 

2 hours ago, EastInWest said:

having the sounds and images burned into your brain isn't always a bad thing.

Particularly if she is wildly enjoying herself.  Afterwards, you get the credit for that.

[EastInWest 1,524]

16 hours ago, Numex said:

I beg to differ.  It's not like it permanently changes her, like if she chopped off a finger.  What might happen is that she gets some pleasure from it - and is grateful to you.

 

But that's the wrong perspective.  The question is does SHE like getting her tits sucked by someone else?

 

Particularly if she is wildly enjoying herself.  Afterwards, you get the credit for that.

Absolutely. All of these are correct statements and should be considered.

 

However, they don't necessarily address whether or not OP actually wants to move past the fantasy stage or not.

 

Those "images I can't get out of my head" are one of the top things I have heard marriage counselors mention as an obstacle to moving past affairs. Working together on something, consensually as a team, is not at all the same as adultery, but for people who move too fast and maybe aren't prepared to speak up and stop it, the bad feelings can be much the same.

 

It's absolutely worth exploring. It's also worth exploring cautiously. It can take time for two people to learn about each other in this space and build the additional layers of trust that come with new types of play.

[EastInWest 1,524]

22 minutes ago, EastInWest said:

Those "images I can't get out of my head" are one of the top things I have heard marriage counselors mention as an obstacle to moving past affairs.

(...and I'll qualify this by pointing out, that tends to be where that description comes from. If OP identifies with it, he should listen to that. It doesn't mean there's no path forward, lots of things that we worry about turn out to be nothing, just that he should pay attention to his own gut feelings as he does.)

[Numex 2,414]

4 hours ago, EastInWest said:

Working together on something, consensually as a team, is not at all the same as adultery, but for people who move too fast and maybe aren't prepared to speak up and stop it, the bad feelings can be much the same.

 

It's absolutely worth exploring. It's also worth exploring cautiously. It can take time for two people to learn about each other in this space and build the additional layers of trust that come with new types of play.

 

4 hours ago, EastInWest said:

(...and I'll qualify this by pointing out, that tends to be where that description comes from. If OP identifies with it, he should listen to that. It doesn't mean there's no path forward, lots of things that we worry about turn out to be nothing, just that he should pay attention to his own gut feelings as he does.)

Thank you for responding to my post and I appreciate your insights.  You are more knowledgeable in this area, while I am an amateur viewing it from a single perspective.

 

 

4 hours ago, EastInWest said:

Those "images I can't get out of my head" are one of the top things I have heard marriage counselors mention as an obstacle to moving past affairs.

The big difference here (in my humble opinion) is that the OP is not trying to move past an unwanted experience, but rather have a paradigm shift and accept and embrace non-monogamous activity.  For some it seems natural for them and to see their spouse doing likewise; for others it's a hurdle.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Numex

[EastInWest 1,524]

6 minutes ago, Numex said:

The big difference here (in my humble opinion) is that the OP is not trying to move past an unwanted experience, but rather have a paradigm shift and accept and embrace non-monogamous activity.  For some it seems natural for them and to see their spouse doing likewise; for others it's a hurdle.

Very fair. I've just seen a lot of posts here and elsewhere in recent months that, I think, reflect people who are jumping in very quickly out of post-pandemic excitement.

 

I know for Mrs. E, she was worried about me being exactly that person: the one who regrets seeing what I was asking to see and wouldn't feel the same after or be able to get over it. I could speak for myself because I was very confident I would not be.

 

Women, too, can have doubts about male enthusiasm for swapping and hidden meaning. "Are you not jealous because you don't love me", "are you trying to get rid of me", "are you just interested in watching me with another man so I won't be able to say no to another woman", etc.

 

I think OP is speaking for himself here that he definitely has doubts. That's OK. It's completely fine for him and his wife to move very slowly, talk about what they experience, and then move further if they both wish.

[Davdia 119]

On 11/7/2022 at 10:08 PM, LoveCouple2 said:

I have always been the jealous type.  I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I can’t wrap my head around being happy watching my wife being pleasured by another guy.

You should run, not walk away from swinging!  I’ve said this several times, if you can’t honestly look yourself in the mirror and see yourself saying to your wife “ Watching that man fucking you with his cock and knowing how much you were enjoying it was the biggest turn on ever!” Then your just not swinging material. YOU CANNOT UNDO WHAT YOU SEE! 
if it doesn’t turn you on….run

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

Davdia has a powerful point. You rarely get over being the jealous type.

 

It also depends on how you handle jealousy. Do oyu pat it on its head and send it on its way ? Can you do that by acknowledging that it may be a real emotion, yet not valid. In that case, over time, it just might go away. Because you'll eventually see that your wife having sex with another mn is not a threat to your marriage, simply and augmentation.

 

If you cannot, well, then the marriage comes first and you don't swing. 

[freakydikicouple 13]

Here’s the advice I was given

 

 

[LoveCouple2 58]

42 minutes ago, freakydikicouple said:

Here’s the advice I was given

 

 

 

43 minutes ago, freakydikicouple said:

Here’s the advice I was given

 

 

Thanks for sharing that Freaky.  Lots of good comments.

[couplers 4,636]

16 hours ago, KatrinaandDriverX said:

You rarely get over being the jealous type.

 

It also depends on how you handle jealousy.

That's me.  I've never gotten over my jealousy, but now I like dealing with the feeling.  Feeling is too weak a word.  The aftermath.  Dealing with the physical and psychological reality of my husband having made love to another woman.

 

Reclaiming is real and wonderful.  Jealousy also turned me from 100% straight to 50/50.  Now I also deal with her in the aftermath.  The women like it too.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Some differing opinions to be sure. LoveCouple2; I think Davidia is correct, as well as others noting that swinging isn't for everyone.

 

That said; I would have been given the same advice 30 years ago had I thought about getting into swinging. I was a very jealous type when I was younger. It was bad enough that it bothered me greatly that my girlfriend seeing a male gynecologist was a real problem for me. Maybe it was insecurity, I don't know. Maybe it was immaturity, I don't know. I know one thing that helped to contribute to learning to not be jealous; having a cheating girlfriend whom said she wasn't, I knew she was, and I kept looking for (and finding) evidence of it. I eventually realized internally that jealousy feeds itself, makes itself worse.

 

Fast forward to today; I thoroughly enjoy my wife having sex with other men. I never thought I'd really enjoy it, but I do. I can't explain why. I just get a big thrill out of it. It might be because of jealous tendencies from way back when underlying it. But, I don't feel jealous now.

 

If...IF...you are going to try this, I strongly recommend taking little itty bitty steps. Meet up with a guy who is willing to be patient with the two of you. Start really, really slow. Maybe some flirtatious talk, maybe a should massage for her from him while you are right there, maybe having him sit with her in a booth while you're on the other side of the table. Just tiny little steps, and then re-evaluate. Your inner voice may be telling you to run, and it's not bad advice, but these little steps might help you get accustomed to the idea of her being the focus of attention of another man.

 

Somewhere down the road, it is possible another man might do something better than you. I noted with my wife that the sounds she makes when another man is inside of her are different somehow with each guy. For some, that could cause insecurity. It's possible another guy is more well endowed, richer, better looking, more intelligent, ...whatever. Just remember, your wife is coming home with you. She's not trying to replace you.

[Anon321 522]

On 11/12/2022 at 1:01 PM, Numex said:

Unless she is the rare exception, didn't your wife fuck guys before she met you?  Maybe even a little overlap between the time you guys first started fucking and when she gave up her previous sex partner?  How did you live with that image in your mind?

I think a lot of people use this logic and even I've used it sometimes myself but it doesn't work for everyone.

 

I think if you're this nervous now then you need to take it slow.  The entire session can go off great but then that post nut regret can set in and then you're locked on an image from the night -  your wife's face as she orgasms on his cock, a kiss between them, the view of his cock in her mouth, seeing the two of them lock eyes, watching his cum drip down her face, hearing her moaning.. it could literally be anything.  Right now it sounds like you're setting yourself up to feel jealous.

[Numex 2,414]

On 11/17/2022 at 12:54 PM, Anon321 said:

The entire session can go off great but then that post nut regret can set in and then you're locked on an image from the night -  your wife's face as she orgasms on his cock, a kiss between them, the view of his cock in her mouth, seeing the two of them lock eyes, watching his cum drip down her face, hearing her moaning..

I realized recently something that I would like you here to help me dissect.  Previously, watching my wife having sex with different guys, I thought of it as a single event, but have come to realize it’s made up of two separate parts of the interaction because this time it occurred as two separate events.  I processed each differently.  Last time we played, I watched my wife first get incredible pleasure from a guy who did oral on her and who she rode to multiple orgasms.  It didn't make me jealous, but made me happy for Daniela and feel a little bit inadequate.  Later, my wife gave another guy a blow job which he really enjoyed, then he finished anal with her.  From experience I know that neither pleased her physically, but she gets psychological satisfaction from giving herself to be used.  Now that made me feel proud for her to be my wife and good that I was sharing her with another guy to show him what I had.

 

So what is it that turns you on, or makes you jealous or whatever with your spouse/partner: is it watching your spouse being pleasured and driven to orgasm by someone else, or is it seeing someone else deriving incredible pleasure from your spouse? 

[Anon321 522]

22 minutes ago, Numex said:

I realized recently something that I would like you here to help me dissect.  Previously, watching my wife having sex with different guys, I thought of it as a single event, but have come to realize it’s made up of two separate parts of the interaction because this time it occurred as two separate events.  I processed each differently.  Last time we played, I watched my wife first get incredible pleasure from a guy who did oral on her and who she rode to multiple orgasms.  It didn't make me jealous, but made me happy for Daniela and feel a little bit inadequate.  Later, my wife gave another guy a blow job which he really enjoyed, then he finished anal with her.  From experience I know that neither pleased her physically, but she gets psychological satisfaction from giving herself to be used.  Now that made me feel proud for her to be my wife and good that I was sharing her with another guy to show him what I had.

 

So what is it that turns you on, or makes you jealous or whatever with your spouse/partner: is it watching your spouse being pleasured and driven to orgasm by someone else, or is it seeing someone else deriving incredible pleasure from your spouse? 

Interesting question.  My GF is not into your typical lovemaking stuff when fucking other guys - not even close.  She has a sexual need to have rough sex and be dominated and humiliated.  She also likes to have a lot of sex.  If you asked her she would tell you that I can fulfill her sexual needs both getting rough and frequency and maybe I can. But I also realize how much fun she has with other guys.  I can get rough but not nearly as rough as some of the other guys.  And while it's hot to be dominated by 1 guy I can see how much she enjoys being dominated by 2 or 3.  And while I can have sex with her a lot both romantically and rough sex I realize it's not as exciting or fun for her and even me than bringing in others as there is more intensity when other guys are involved.  So it does turn me on that she is able to get more satisfaction by supplementing her sex life with additional men.

 

As far as pleasuring others, I can definitely see what you're saying and I get turned on by that too.  My GF does anal and LOVES giving blow jobs as well.  And I think because my GF is so happy to get facefucked and is so submissive guys go crazy over her and think I am the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet (which I am).  I KNOW the guys are taken back with her and I can see how much joy they get.  I don't see it just in their face but they tell me all the time too!  So I do feel very proud of her ability to WOW so many guys with her skills and willingness to please them.

 

Jealousy is a whole other topic and has been tough for me to pinpoint.  Jealous moments are usually fleeting and can vary in where they come from.  I've seen her get fucked by some massive cocks getting a lot of pleasure which made me feel a little inadequate or jealous but it goes away.  I've walked in on her at a party getting facefucked extremely roughly by a guy I didn't like (she didn't know I didn't like him) and it made me feel jealous but it went away.  One time I was at work and my buddy FaceTimed me while he was fucking my GF.  99.9% of the time this turns me on but this particular time I felt a little irritated and jealous.  Maybe I was having a bad day and it was really something else that time.  It's hard to always pinpoint what it is so I don't obsess over it because it usually goes away pretty quickly anyway.  But it does happen from time to time.

[couplers 4,636]

Whatever turns her on.

Edited November 28, 2022 by couplers

[Numex 2,414]

On 11/27/2022 at 5:17 PM, Anon321 said:

She also likes to have a lot of sex.  .  So it does turn me on that she is able to get more satisfaction by supplementing her sex life with additional men.

 

On 11/27/2022 at 5:17 PM, Anon321 said:

As far as pleasuring others, I can definitely see what you're saying and I get turned on by that too. guys go crazy over her and think I am the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet (which I am).  I KNOW the guys are taken back with her and I can see how much joy they get.  I don't see it just in their face but they tell me all the time too!  So I do feel very proud 

Another variation on liking to see her pleasing and being pleased.