Try to keep this short. Should we?

[Seanandem 48]

So, we’ve been married 8 years.  On again, off again.  Separated a few times.  Currently living apart as FWB who don’t stray outside each other physically.  This is an effort to reduce the emotional distress our marriage has placed on both of us.  
 

Rewind-  We both feel like when it’s been good between us. It’s better than anything we’ve ever experienced.  But we seem to find ways to argue when it’s bad. And it’s pretty bad when it’s in a down cycle.  
 

We’ve recently come to an agreement where we will be monogamous with each other (neither one has strayed despite the ups and downs)….EXCEPT WE WANT TO START PLAYING with others together.  

We’ve discussed swinging for literally years.  I’ve seen her give a BJ.  It was hot.  Now she’s coming into her own, lost weight and her confidence has soared.  I’m so fucking proud of her.  
 

Anyway, we never went the full Monty in the past because we felt we weren’t solid enough.  We were LITERALLY about to sign divorce paperwork when we came up with an idea. What if we swung together as BF/GF?  This may help to alleviate some of the resentment we both hold toward the other for past transgressions and allow us to see each other in a fun, easy, happy go lucky light.  In that light, is it possible we can let go of the resentment and hurt we caused each other?

 

I know they say not to try this unless your relationship is solid.  We’re not.  But trying to get back there. We both feel the resentment would fade if we’re living apart, and fucking each other like high schoolers.  And oh yeah, fucking others too.  and just have the opportunity to see each other in a fun, light hearted way.  Thoughts?  
 

 

 

 

[Jersey Shore Couple 128]

From all the research my wife and I have done I'd strongly suggest working on solidifying your relationship first.  There's so much involved and invested in a sound and secure relationship before introducing another dimension into your already rocky situation.  It's interesting that you've watched her give another guy a BJ.  Was that while you were married?  You may have found it "hot," but what were the circumstances surrounding it? 

[Seanandem 48]

We were at a swingers club.  We were married.  We both enjoyed in the moment.  I found out later she felt extremely guilty, even though I was the one who asked her to suck another man’s dick.  I think she’s past her guilt.  She wants to have fun.  She wants to see me in a fun, happy, sexy light…..not as emotional work. I kind of feel like that’s why we could be an exception to the rule.  But I give way to a you swinger scholars who know better!

[NWAtlSwing 522]

I would try to find a poly positive couples therapist and make sure your relationship is strong. Swinging make things more complex not less.

[njbm 2,868]

I could see swinging as a gasoline can for a couple that has relationship problems. 
Ditto on the therapist. 

[Seanandem 48]

I understand y’all’s concerns and advice.  Would it matter if we were divorced?  Like if we were just bf/gf?  Therapist is scheduled.

[Seanandem 48]

To expand a bit further.  Trust isn’t an issue.  Neither is love.  We’re just stepping back from living together to lighten the emotional load, and allow ourselves time to heal from the fights we used to have.  (She was my total emotional support due to a previous abisive relationship on my end, and that got way too heavy)

 

Ive healed, and let go of all that.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

The fundamental key to a relationship is vulnerable, open and honest communication. Both parties need to be able to share, warts and all, and be received. Too many couples cannot do this without introducing sex with others.

 

If you are unable to live together, I question being able to have sex with others. Before you engage in that, you need to settle your marriage one way or the other. That is more important than what a client of mine trmed "sport fucking".

 

Just don't think you are there yet.

 

 

[zonaboy801 38]

I think it could work. Agree to two things: keep any drama that either of you starts to feel between yourselves—don’t inflict it on your playmates, and don’t blame either of you if one of you breaks one of your agreed- upon rules in the heat of the moment. Agree to do better next time or possibly get rid of the rule you thought you needed. If it doesn’t work after a couple tries, stop.

[Seanandem 48]

We’re going to take a couple more months to discuss things, and make sure we don’t have any fight whatsoever before we start.  I should say, her children dislike me, and are teenagers. This is a HUGE component of plus not living in the same house.  

[TeamCalgary 168]

Can we offer this please Seanandem.

 

You are seeing this from the other side.

Your attempt is to make the LS fit your relationship/situation.

This may be problematic as the LifeStyle has its own rules/norms etc that are largely inviolate.

 

Until you are ready and able to ride that horse, as it is, don't ride. 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

There's a saying about swinging that applies here:

 

Swinging is a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If there's deep love and closeness, it amplifies that. If it finds problems, it will make them worse.

 

Your marriage seems like a volcano that occasionally goes off. I wouldn't throw swinging into it, as it will, in my opinion, make it worse.

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

You're sure doing a lot of interpersonal accommodation to get laid by others.  The marriage has to come first and this pursuit of other partners, in your case, certainly makes the marriage lower on the list.

 

As far as her teenagers, well, maybe the 'vibe' they're getting isn't all that positive. 

 

Now, if you want to know  if something is a good idea, say it out loud:  "I want to get a divorce so we can swing as boyfriend and girlfriend ".  Then, try that out on a Swing couple or two. The good ones will avoid your existing and potential drama.

 

Again, you're placing sex with others ahead of the marriage. That marriage includes those teenagers. 

 

I'm sorry pal, yet, she deserves better. Or, at least a better version of you.

[couplers 4,614]

On 11/22/2022 at 8:15 PM, Seanandem said:

Currently living apart as FWB

 

On 11/23/2022 at 9:51 AM, Seanandem said:

Would it matter if we were divorced?  Like if we were just bf/gf?

I am the one always giving advice that is outside the box, and I will do it again.

 

Since you're already living apart, take a break from each other and stop trying to be glued together.  Date other people, have sex with them, and check in with each other at coffee and lunch to discuss your lives and how it's going.  Not all marriages are meant to last, and sometimes are better if they morph into some other type of relationship.  You're already partially apart, so take a break, explore, reevaluate, talk about it as friends (or even FWB), then decide what to do.

Edited November 25, 2022 by couplers

[lcmim 1,081]

Again couplers has sound advice.

 

[Seanandem 48]

22 hours ago, KatrinaandDriverX said:

You're sure doing a lot of interpersonal accommodation to get laid by others.  The marriage has to come first and this pursuit of other partners, in your case, certainly makes the marriage lower on the list.

 

As far as her teenagers, well, maybe the 'vibe' they're getting isn't all that positive. 

 

Now, if you want to know  if something is a good idea, say it out loud:  "I want to get a divorce so we can swing as boyfriend and girlfriend ".  Then, try that out on a Swing couple or two. The good ones will avoid your existing and potential drama.

 

Again, you're placing sex with others ahead of the marriage. That marriage includes those teenagers. 

 

I'm sorry pal, yet, she deserves better. Or, at least a better version of you.

I respectfully disagree. The background you don’t have, and frankly I wished you’d have asked is:  

 

This has been a discussion for us for 5 years or so.  I have always prioritized my marriage.  There have been times I wanted to swing, and she didn’t.  Immediately, I would drop the subject, only to have her bring it up on her own.  This isn’t me pushing.  This is our joint desire.   We feel like we’ve tried nearly everything to break the cycle of on again, off again.  
 

Have we cycled up and down?  Sure.  Have we learned from it?  Absolutely.  Are we perfect?  No.  But who is?  Is my situation ideal?  No.  Hell no.  I would change it if I can.  I’m trying to change it.  But whether we swing or not has never, and will never affect my effort in my marriage.  I love my wife more than I’ve ever loved anyone.  I would do, and will do anything, to make this marriage work, because it has been the greatest relationship of my life.
 

Perhaps your comment wasn’t meant as an attack.  But it certainly came off as presumptuous at best, ignorant and aggressive at worst.  I choose to believe the former.  That you didn’t mean to be so negative.  I was simply seeking some sage advice as to whether OUR idea (joint idea see?) COULD work.

 

Thanks to all who offered constructive support. It never mattered whether the advice was “pro” swing, or “anti” swing. I was simply seeking to partake in experienced people’s wisdom, whatever the advice, BECAUSE I don’t want to damage the relationship or marriage in any way.  Thank you all.

Edited November 26, 2022 by Seanandem

[Numex 2,409]

On 11/25/2022 at 7:33 PM, Seanandem said:

I love my wife more than I’ve ever loved anyone.  I would do, and will do anything, to make this marriage work, because it has been the greatest relationship of my life.

As was said elsewhere, let your wife take the lead, and by that I mean things don't have to be symmetric.  She may play and you don't at first.  Maybe you do FFMs but not MFMs.  Let her explore sexually, you support her choices and vicariously share in her pleasures, and she will love you all the more.  You will grow to love and savor what she does with her sexual freedom.