Transparency between spouses

[LAF 7]

My husband and I have only been in the lifestyle for around 6 months so I don't know a whole lot of the basics. We have been exclusive with a couple for about 3 months and it's a good relationship. However, the problem that I'm having is that he's infatuated with the other wife, and has gone as far as not letting me read their texts. To me, this just seems like a red flag. He gets angry at me for even wanting to read the texts and says that it's private. Am I wrong to want to see what they are chatting about??

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

No, you are absolutely not wrong. I would STRONGLY advise you stop playing with the other couple, or anyone else for that matter, until the two of you figure out your trust and communication issues.

[LAF 7]

1 hour ago, bbarnsworth said:

No, you are absolutely not wrong. I would STRONGLY advise you stop playing with the other couple, or anyone else for that matter, until the two of you figure out your trust and communication issues.

👍

[lcmim 1,082]

I am a proponent of developing feelings.

 

THIS situation is not being well handled.

 

You are well within your bounds wanting to be inside the loop.

Your husband is wrong keeping you out.

 

The two of you need to get the transparency required fully functional. 

 

[LAF 7]

19 minutes ago, lcmim said:

I am a proponent of developing feelings.

 

THIS situation is not being well handled.

 

You are well within your bounds wanting to be inside the loop.

Your husband is wrong keeping you out.

 

The two of you need to get the transparency required fully functional. 

 

Thank you

[reveur 60]

Transpercey in the lifestyle has the same weight like the honesty, oderways it will not work. 

[enhancer 1,585]

No you are not wrong!  You should always be number one for him and you have the right to know everything when it comes to your swinging activities.  Playing with this couple would end immediately if this shit was going on for us.  If he has a problem with that then his priorities are no longer you and your relationship together.  

[patsfan5864 43]

You are not wrong, and your husband is 100% wrong. I would stop seeing anyone else until you get this straightened out to your satisfaction.

[couplers 4,636]

14 hours ago, LAF said:

the problem that I'm having is that he's infatuated with the other wife,..

Don't worry, it will burn itself out.  There hasn't been much discussion of it lately here, but new relationship energy (NRE) is common.  It flames fast and hot, then dies quickly.

 

14 hours ago, LAF said:

... and has gone as far as not letting me read their texts. To me, this just seems like a red flag. He gets angry at me for even wanting to read the texts and says that it's private. Am I wrong to want to see what they are chatting about??

You're not wrong, he's wrong.  The approach I suggest is to tell him that it's ok for him to have feelings for the other woman, it's natural and you respect him for being more than a sexual animal with her.  BUT, the rules of the game are that he needs to share his feeling for her with you and show you everything.  It's part of what makes swinging and your marriage special.  And from what you imagine in your mind that they are saying, tell him that you think that it is hot.  Then when he does share, be gentle and don't criticize him.  Kiss him, tell him that you understand and love him, because in doing what he is doing, he doesn't love you any less; by understanding and letting him continue, he will love you more.  Also, be extraordinarily nice to her.

Edited November 24, 2022 by couplers

[lcmim 1,082]

couplers is spot on.

There was a lady that I was full blown in love with. If disease hadn't taken her I still would be.

My wife and her husband were in the know and very supportive.

It is an interesting dynamic when you have two couples each as protective of the others marriage as their own.

My wife still dates him, and we are close friends.

 

[NWAtlSwing 522]

Agree with the others

[couplers 4,636]

17 hours ago, lcmim said:

There was a lady that I was full blown in love with. If disease hadn't taken her I still would be.

My wife and her husband were in the know and very supportive.

It is an interesting dynamic when you have two couples each as protective of the others marriage as their own.

My wife still dates him, and we are close friends.

 

My condolences to you all for the loss of a loved one.  I hope that you three being together helped everyone.  Your relationships were absolutely wonderful.

 

20 hours ago, couplers said:

Also, be extraordinarily nice to her.

Even though I threw this in at the end, it is extremely important, not only for your husband and his lover, but also for yourself.  It extinguishes any sense that this is some kind of competition, in her mind as well as yours.  They will realize that you are a good and generous person and they will be inclined to act likewise.  (And for me, not being perfect, it gave me a feeling of sharing something I possessed that she envies.)

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

My wife and I talked about this situation while out on a walk last night. She agrees this is a bad situation, and needs to be stopped. She also noted that if your husband has become infatuated with the other wife, the way in which he is behaving is not conducive to his desires to spend time with her. In fact, it does rather the opposite.

 

My wife and I have previously discussed how we handle feelings developing between either us and a play partner. Neither of us feels threatened by it, but we have insisted that any such developing feelings not become an impediment to our own relationship. She's had two long term boyfriends while we've been married, both of whom she developed feelings for. I encouraged it, because it made her happy. She enjoyed having sex with them, and she enjoyed spending time with them.  But, there's no way that could have happened if we didn't have 100% communication, and complete honesty with each other. We have no secrets.

 

Your husband needs to understand that in order for this to work, there has to be that absolute communication without any secrets. Otherwise, its guaranteed to end badly.

[couplers 4,636]

13 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

how we handle feelings developing between either us and a play partner. Neither of us feels threatened by it, but we have insisted that any such developing feelings not become an impediment to our own relationship. She's had two long term boyfriends while we've been married, both of whom she developed feelings for. I encouraged it, because it made her happy. She enjoyed having sex with them, and she enjoyed spending time with them.  But, there's no way that could have happened if we didn't have 100% communication, and complete honesty with each other. We have no secrets.

 

Your husband needs to understand that in order for this to work, there has to be that absolute communication without any secrets.

Thank you for describing a real life example on how having feelings can and should work.  It takes maturity, understanding, and above all total openness.

 

I don't see the OPs husband as necessarily being sneaky or deceptive.  He feels embarrassed and vulnerable about his uncontrolled emotions.   He needs to be told it is ok, but needs to share.

 

My husband was very understanding in that way too about my boyfriend as well, talking to him about it made everything all around better.

Edited November 27, 2022 by couplers

[LAF 7]

I appreciate all of the feedback on this post. Nobody ever said the lifestyle would be easy, I know. We are working things through and I believe we have finally come to an understanding. 💕💞💓

[hlgcpl4fun 79]

You are completely correct. Swinging takes great communication and he is hiding something !!