The Talk

[HotCplUk3040 5]

Sorry for another question but how did you all approach the talk and how you want things to move forward?

 

did you do it post sex after having the dirty talk and say, that was fun maybe we should do it for real?

 

or do you find that post sex clarity kicks in and  that actually the best time to chat is maybe when you are having an everyday pillow chat in bed?

 

I think we are on the same page in that the biggest turn on won’t be sleeping with someone else, more that we get to do that whislt watching each other enjoy sex with someone else

 

so the driver for me isn’t to sleep with woman and hers isn’t to sleep with another man, it’s for each other to do it in front of each other

 

for 2 nights it’s been on the tip of my tongue but something is holding me back… do. I want to open Pandora’s box …

[couplers 4,717]

Whenever you feel that the time is right and you have time to talk.  Be sure, however, to listen and make it about her, what she wants and how she sees it unfolding.

 

1 hour ago, HotCplUk3040 said:

the biggest turn on won’t be sleeping with someone else, more that we get to do that whislt watching each other enjoy sex with someone else

You'll love both.

 

BTW, for us it was at a calm time as we were going to dinner.  But it wasn’t about starting to swing, it was me continuing being nonmonogamous.  Early in our dating, hhe man who would become my husband said that he knew that I was still sleeping with my ex-fiancee, and ... he was fine with it. 

[oldswinger64 113]

Be gentle and loving, and go with your gut that the time is right.  It may be the fear of getting an answer that you don't like that is holding you back.

[MrMrsswinger 205]

Maybe some hinting during dirty talk but from the male perspective, you bringing up another woman could blow up in your face. 

 

Personally, I would let her bring it up beyond the dirty talk. If she is into it, it'll go ok. If she isn't, you may have a long tenure on the couch in your future. 

[NC_Seniors 519]

Male half here. I’m the one who initiated the talk one morning after breakfast. I asked my wife to sit down with me in the living room because I had something I wanted to discuss with her. We had been in Amsterdam for only half a day a few months earlier, and we had wanted to go to see one of the live shows … but the cruise schedule didn’t allow it. I told her I’d been thinking a lot about how exciting it would be — to *me* anyway — to watch another couple having sex while we had it as well in the same room, and that I’d found a lifestyle club only 75 minutes drive from us and a bi-weekly house party right in our city where we could try to make that happen. She wasn’t the least bit put off and the rest, as they say, is history! 😉

 

The key point here is that I didn’t start out talking about swapping but rather just the two of us doing something really hot together. That’s a *lot* less threatening than, “So what do you think about the idea of us both fucking other people?” 😂

[SheernylonCpl 38]

Dirty talk is very much part of our swing group

[ConfusedHubby 129]

In our case we were on our first romantic weekend away, just the two of us, in forever.  After a great day of reconnecting and some wine we were having some pationate sex when I asked her to share with me what she wants.   Most times in the past she's almost avoided or truncated her answer there, but this time she came out and told me--she wants a threesome.    I asked her guy or girl, she told me she wants to try both...

 

Two days later our SLS account was live and we were on the hunt.  Two months later we'd had our first experience (4sum with another couple).

[couplers 4,717]

17 minutes ago, ConfusedHubby said:

she came out and told me--she wants a threesome.  .. and we were on the hunt.

 When I decided that I was ready for hubby to play after two years of me having a boyfriend, I started setting him up with my vanilla (but young and horny) female friends and acquaintances.  The "hunt" as you call it, was tremendously exciting.  We would date them together, taking her out, paying for everything.  The opportunity would be created, I whisper to her it's ok, and let nature take its course.

 

It's amazing how many women will sleep with a married man when his wife says it's ok.

[curiouscpl2024 5]

The best advice I had gotten was to do it when there is no sex, intoxicants etc involved. Sit at your kitchen table or wherever is a good spot to have a serious conversation and be earnest about your interests and desires. Be honest, make sure they know that you love them, reassure them as much as you need. Have the conversation, let some time pass and 100% do not make it a demand. 

[AdamGunn2 418]

I agree with CuriousCpl. However, I feel it would be best to 'set the talk up.'  

 

Bedroom talk, fantasies, etc. can be played with during your sex. If she seems interested in playing that way and fantasizing, she may not feel that this is coming at her out of the blue.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

1 hour ago, curiouscpl2024 said:

The best advice I had gotten was to do it when there is no sex, intoxicants etc involved. Sit at your kitchen table or wherever is a good spot to have a serious conversation and be earnest about your interests and desires. Be honest, make sure they know that you love them, reassure them as much as you need. Have the conversation, let some time pass and 100% do not make it a demand. 

This is incredibly important advice. We'll reinforce it and add two embellishments. 

 

1. Kitchen table conversations ought to be frequent in any relationship that looks like a long-term relationship. The conversation might be a simple "check-in", a discussion about how cash flows are running, an inquiry into a move for a job or a home, something about sex and intimacy, a review of vacation options, ...   We think that having a place where serious conversations are welcome to occur is important. We like the kitchen table because there is always a reason to be there. 

 

2. Sometimes one partner knows that bringing up a topic is going to lead to some discomfort or even serious pain. Sex and intimacy conversations that involve fantasies and intentions and boundary-setting can be uncomfortable. For *any* conversation that we think might cause discomfort in the other, we declare "safe haven", which carries the following requirements:

 

a. The person bringing up the topic has to lay it all out. Not part of it, not the soft parts, the entire issue as they see it. It needs to be done compassionately, and also efficiently. If it takes more than a few minutes, the person bringing up the topic hasn't really thought about what they are trying to express. Make statements about facts, make statements about how a circumstance is creating a feeling or emotion or fear, do not assume anything about what the other person will think, or feel, or say. Statements to the effect that "you do not want to hear this" are not appropriate. Statements to the effect that "I am worried", "I am afraid", "I am bothered by" are acceptable because they reflect something known to the speaker. 

 

b. The person listening has to listen to the whole thing. They should not respond until there has been at least one full sleep cycle. They are expected to suppress the instinct to react in favor of reflection and response. It is always appropriate to show curiosity--ask why do you see this as an issue, why do you think we are at this point, ask for more detail.  They responder then has the opportunity to express their thoughts and positions about what they heard, including both facts and feelings. They get to speak their mind, equally uninterrupted. Then, another sleep cycle. 

 

c. Only after each of us has slept on the other's  positions do we begin to talk it out. 

 

This approach has served us well, maybe for several reasons. First, we learned --and practice--the art of setting issues apart from the core relationship. Put differently, we never go to sleep mad or wound up or fearing for the relationship. Every relationship will have ups and downs and issues and resolutions. We have simply institutionalized that in a way that reinforces confidence in what happens next.  Next, we learned that no conversation should ever be a "nuclear event"--an uncontrolled escalating chain reaction. Words are powerful, cannot be taken back, and therefore have the potential for enormous harm. Finally, things always look different after a decent night's sleep.