New partner was in the lifestyle

[Ray1010 0]

My new partner has previously been in the group sex world for about 2 years. She is 45 and was a single female in this world after a divorce and has had sex with males and females and group sex and all sorts of exotic play.  She’s communicated that it was solely about unattached sex and no emotion. She’s communicated that she’s not a jealous person but since being with me, has questioned whether she believes this is still the case.

 

I, on the other hand are completely,  I guess… vanilla and she has communicated that she is very very in love with me and I her. She has never hid any of her experiences from more however she has only shared what I have asked of her and is very respectful not to share anything I’m not wanting to know.

 

What I can’t get out of my head is….

 

Why would she want to leave a lifestyle she seemed to really enjoy for only me? I have communicated that I’m not at all judgmental of that life, but at the same time, simply not interested in that way of life and she completely accepts that, but I just don’t understand why someone would leave something they enjoyed to begin a monogamous relationship?

 

Could I get a sense of what she may have been seeking in the life and why she’s found it so easy to move on from?

 

Thank you for reading.  

 

[cplnluv1 871]

It is difficult to try to get into another person’s thinking of why they do anything. 
While my situation is different, I was younger and not previously married, I was what some might call wild. I slept with many partners including other women and a number of group sex play. 
When I met my husband I became monogamous without hesitation and continued our monogamy for years without any regrets. Life changes and priorities change, my past was my past. I would have been very happy to never have sex with anyone other than my husband. The main reason we started in the lifestyle was Alan was curious to a part of my life he felt he missed out on. 
Your new partner has found happiness in you as you have with her. I am guessing at your age you had sex with others on vanilla terms. When you become a couple you make choices including changes in life, you are not dating others and neither is she. If your jealousy overwhelms your thoughts it is your problem not hers. If you think her past will bother you, you need to move on as her past will always be there. 

[njbm 2,868]

My wife says: “ What’s passed is past.” Start today, look forward. That’s all that counts. 

[PJ&Lin 188]

2 hours ago, Ray1010 said:

Could I get a sense of what she may have been seeking in the life and why she’s found it so easy to move on from?

She was seeking sex like most people once they are awakened. Maybe her ex didn’t please her. Maybe she repressed her sexuality. Maybe she asked why not. 
Does she ask you about your sexual history? I for one would shy away from a partner who is celibate in their 40’s. You said she has been in the LS for two years after her divorce and is willing to give it up now that she met her love partner just as I would think you are giving up sex with others. As Cpl posted, if you can’t live with her past you need to cut her loose. I’m reading you will always hold this against her. 

[PeterJ 940]

On 12/26/2022 at 8:43 AM, Ray1010 said:

What I can’t get out of my head is….

 

Why would she want to leave a lifestyle she seemed to really enjoy for only me? I have communicated that I’m not at all judgmental of that life, but at the same time, simply not interested in that way of life and she completely accepts that, but I just don’t understand why someone would leave something they enjoyed to begin a monogamous relationship?

I am not a licensed psychotherapist, but before my professional career took a radically different turn I had four years of doctoral training in clinical psychology. My advice, Ray, is that if you believe this relationship is a passing one, end it now. I don’t think you should let what you acknowledge is your own issue make her life more complicated.
 

But if you believe that this is the sole issue standing between you and a longterm durable relationship with this woman then I recommend you (or the two of you) get some relationship counseling, preferably with a therapist who is well-versed in sexual issues in relationships. If you are able to resolve your issue the two of you can pursue the relationship. If you cannot banish from your mind fantasized images you find troubling of your girlfriend engaged in casual sex with others — or learn to not find them disturbing— I believe you will be unable to establish a durable and mutually satisfying relationship with this woman who has been honest and open with you about her personal history.

[Numex 2,409]

On 12/26/2022 at 8:43 AM, Ray1010 said:

She’s communicated that it was solely about unattached sex and no emotion. .. she has communicated that she is very very in love with me and I her.

 

My feeling, and I believe that the consensus here, is that a strong, emotional relationship/marriage and nonmonogamy, i.e. sex with others (even if it includes some emotion) are not incompatible.

 

My now wife and I went the monogamous route after we fell in love before we were married and afterwards for a couple of years, but then eased into playing with others, first her then both of us.  As many here have also experienced, it actually made our love and marriage stronger.  Talk about it, everything you both are curious about, what you and she enjoyed and did not, then move forward on your adventure, which doesn't have to be symmetric.  In our case my wife started first by renewing sexual relationships with ex-boyfriends.  After a while she really wanted me involved, first having MFMs with them and later moving to couples swaps.

 

With the right person, it is work, it is fun, it is exciting, it is satisfying.

 

 

[TwoFunTexans 103]

While the lifestyle is fun and I can see a single lady having lots of fun, it's mostly centered around couples doing it together. We've had a lot of fun as a couple but the ls ebbs and flows with us depending on life. I imagine like most people you could enjoy the single life for a time, but eventually you'd want a partner and while we have a great time doing this it's just a fun hobby. 

Edited December 28, 2022 by TwoFunTexans

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Something that you need to realize is that most people in this lifestyle can separate love from sex. You can have sex with someone you don't love and you can love someone you don't have sex with. That she is willing to give up having sex with others that she doesn't love (and can be empty if you are really seeking love) isn't that big of a surprise. She would rather have someone to love and loves her back. What I think the bigger question is why you don't understand how she can do that so easily. IT'S JUST SEX. Although other people have tried (unsuccessfully) to replace love with sex, it doesn't work. Take the knowledge that she is in love with you and treat her and that as the special gift that it is. If you want to try out the lifestyle in the future (which it sounds like you might), then do that...in the future. First, you need to make your relationship as strong as possible. Love, trust, communication...you can never have too much of any of those.

[lcmim 1,081]

"What I can’t get out of my head is….

 

Why would she want to leave a lifestyle she seemed to really enjoy for only me? "

 

 

The LS can be very good at providing many bodies to pleasure and be pleasured by. It is not any where near as good at providing meaningful interpersonal relationships such as love. Friendships it can yes, life partners not so much.

 

She is of an age where maturity sets in and she might very well realize that a life partner trumps bed partner.

 

My advice would be to trust how she feels and do not even try to understand.

 

Take some pride in the fact that with a substantial base for comparison she is choosing you.

 

[Ray1010 0]

On 12/27/2022 at 2:18 AM, PJ&Lin said:

She was seeking sex like most people once they are awakened. Maybe her ex didn’t please her. Maybe she repressed her sexuality. Maybe she asked why not. 
Does she ask you about your sexual history? I for one would shy away from a partner who is celibate in their 40’s. You said she has been in the LS for two years after her divorce and is willing to give it up now that she met her love partner just as I would think you are giving up sex with others. As Cpl posted, if you can’t live with her past you need to cut her loose. I’m reading you will always hold this against her. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 2:56 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Something that you need to realize is that most people in this lifestyle can separate love from sex. You can have sex with someone you don't love and you can love someone you don't have sex with. That she is willing to give up having sex with others that she doesn't love (and can be empty if you are really seeking love) isn't that big of a surprise. She would rather have someone to love and loves her back. What I think the bigger question is why you don't understand how she can do that so easily. IT'S JUST SEX. Although other people have tried (unsuccessfully) to replace love with sex, it doesn't work. Take the knowledge that she is in love with you and treat her and that as the special gift that it is. If you want to try out the lifestyle in the future (which it sounds like you might), then do that...in the future. First, you need to make your relationship as strong as possible. Love, trust, communication...you can never have too much of any of those.

I would certainly never hold her past against her. Just trying to respect her through learning about a lifestyle I really no nothing about. I care for her very much

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Ray1010...

 

First, you did well to reach out to others. Here are some thoughts. 

 

It's an aphorism that each of us spends the first half of our lives living for others, the second half of our lives living for ourselves. Where the dividing point comes is different for each of us, but "middle age", or that time when you realize that there is less life ahead than there is behind, is a common separator. 

 

At that point, one realizes that looking backwards no longer makes sense unless you intend to go that way. At that point one realizes that the social norms of vanilla life are not the only option. For some, they are not the best option. 

 

Many if not most who are drawn to alternative lifestyles--nudism, the LS, whatever--are drawn to them and to the people who choose them because of the transparency and candor. It is not just what people "do" as forms of expression, it is who those people are--and in most cases, they are people who have found the courage to be themselves, to express themselves, to give of themselves on their own terms. 

 

You..and she...might want (her to) leave the lifestyle. But we would strongly wager that neither you, nor she, wants to compromise your shared core values of honesty, affection, trust, communication, and the honor you have shown for each other.  Those values (there's an acronym there: HATCH) are strongly held by many couples that we have encountered in alternative lifestyles. One can reasonably assert that participation in this or that alternative lifestyle is simply an expression of those core values, and one that maintains integrity with them. 

 

The fact that you found this site and reached out the way you did shows genuine curiosity. You didn't post out of fear, or disgust, etc. You posted because you were curious, and because you care for and about your lady. 

 

You respect this lady who has freely admitted that she has enjoyed sex for physical pleasure with multiple partners, you are in love with this lady, and you embrace her for all of who she is. You want to go forward in your lives together, and you recognize all sorts of uncertainties and unknowns. This leads to three fairly solid conclusions:

 

1. You have crossed into life's second half. You are doing what feels right to you and for you. Congratulations. 

 

2. You have found courage. Recall Thucydides words: "The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it." You understand that there are uncertainties for you and for her, but want to move forward.  This is life in purest form.

 

3. In trying to understand her life, and the lifestyle, and reaching out here, you have dipped a toe into the lifestyle yourself. You have discovered that it is populated by real people, with real lives, who see the world differently. The LS is not defined by its consensual non-monogamy any more than the vanilla world is defined by marital monogamy. It is defined by the people who chose to live differently, relate differently, love differently. You have gravitated to your lady's authenticity, her honesty about who she is. 

 

You might share this entire thread with her if you haven't already. 

 

Good luck and have fun.

 

FL

 

 

 

[couplers 4,614]

On 12/26/2022 at 8:43 AM, Ray1010 said:

Why would she want to leave a lifestyle she seemed to really enjoy for only me? I have communicated that I’m not at all judgmental of that life, but at the same time, simply not interested in that way of life and she completely accepts that, but I just don’t understand why someone would leave something they enjoyed to begin a monogamous relationship?

 

Could I get a sense of what she may have been seeking in the life and why she’s found it so easy to move on from?

 

I've known plenty of women who have gone through a stage in life when they want and have a lot of sex with multiple partners, including Lesbian sex.  They then decide to move on to another stage in life.  The difference between women and men, however, is that they can more easily, or some want to, have less sex.

 

She is moving on.

[Ray1010 0]

On 1/8/2023 at 11:13 PM, Fundamental Law said:

Ray1010...

 

First, you did well to reach out to others. Here are some thoughts. 

 

It's an aphorism that each of us spends the first half of our lives living for others, the second half of our lives living for ourselves. Where the dividing point comes is different for each of us, but "middle age", or that time when you realize that there is less life ahead than there is behind, is a common separator. 

 

At that point, one realizes that looking backwards no longer makes sense unless you intend to go that way. At that point one realizes that the social norms of vanilla life are not the only option. For some, they are not the best option. 

 

Many if not most who are drawn to alternative lifestyles--nudism, the LS, whatever--are drawn to them and to the people who choose them because of the transparency and candor. It is not just what people "do" as forms of expression, it is who those people are--and in most cases, they are people who have found the courage to be themselves, to express themselves, to give of themselves on their own terms. 

 

You..and she...might want (her to) leave the lifestyle. But we would strongly wager that neither you, nor she, wants to compromise your shared core values of honesty, affection, trust, communication, and the honor you have shown for each other.  Those values (there's an acronym there: HATCH) are strongly held by many couples that we have encountered in alternative lifestyles. One can reasonably assert that participation in this or that alternative lifestyle is simply an expression of those core values, and one that maintains integrity with them. 

 

The fact that you found this site and reached out the way you did shows genuine curiosity. You didn't post out of fear, or disgust, etc. You posted because you were curious, and because you care for and about your lady. 

 

You respect this lady who has freely admitted that she has enjoyed sex for physical pleasure with multiple partners, you are in love with this lady, and you embrace her for all of who she is. You want to go forward in your lives together, and you recognize all sorts of uncertainties and unknowns. This leads to three fairly solid conclusions:

 

1. You have crossed into life's second half. You are doing what feels right to you and for you. Congratulations. 

 

2. You have found courage. Recall Thucydides words: "The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it." You understand that there are uncertainties for you and for her, but want to move forward.  This is life in purest form.

 

3. In trying to understand her life, and the lifestyle, and reaching out here, you have dipped a toe into the lifestyle yourself. You have discovered that it is populated by real people, with real lives, who see the world differently. The LS is not defined by its consensual non-monogamy any more than the vanilla world is defined by marital monogamy. It is defined by the people who chose to live differently, relate differently, love differently. You have gravitated to your lady's authenticity, her honesty about who she is. 

 

You might share this entire thread with her if you haven't already. 

 

Good luck and have fun.

 

FL

 

 

 

Thanks so much for this. I’d there a way I could ask more questions to you? I’m very curious about a couple of things that I’d like private answers to?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

6 hours ago, Ray1010 said:

Thanks so much for this. I’d there a way I could ask more questions to you? I’m very curious about a couple of things that I’d like private answers to?

Sure. Will send you a PM. 

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Hi Ray. I think you've already received some great insight, but would like to share my thoughts as well.

 

On 12/26/2022 at 8:43 AM, Ray1010 said:

Why would she want to leave a lifestyle she seemed to really enjoy for only me?

I think "lifestyle" is the key word there. Your chosen lifestyle at any given point in time is not the same as your life.  Things ebb and flow throughout people's lives, and what was super important to them at one point may not be as some future point for many different reasons. It sounds like what is more important to her is having you in her life, not leading the lifestyle she did several years ago, and even then, that was just a lifestyle at most, maybe even more a hobby.

 

Swinger couples aren't immune from divorce. We know this first hand from what some very close swinger friends have gone through. Swinging, their hobby/lifestyle, had nothing to do with it. It had been a part of their marriage for many years.  Other factors in their lives did have something to do with it, same factors that play into the lives of all married couples.  There is so much more to life and marriage than sex. I think a very common misconception is that is not true for swingers, but it totally is.  I don't find it odd at all that she would happily give up swinging for the sake of your relationship and never even give it a second thought.

[Numex 2,409]

On 1/7/2023 at 10:49 PM, Ray1010 said:

I would certainly never hold her past against her.

My wife's past, including her sexual past, is an expression of her wonderful nature.  I treasure her for it, and with regard to her sex life, I find it thrilling.

 

On 1/9/2023 at 4:49 AM, couplers said:

I've known plenty of women who have gone through a stage in life when they want and have a lot of sex with multiple partners, including Lesbian sex.  They then decide to move on to another stage in life.

That's what my wife did when we got married, thinking it was the right thing to do.  Then we realized that she is happier with multiple sexual partners, men and women, and we mutually agreed that she should have other partners.  Then she decided that we both should.