I made a mistake

[LAF 7]

My husband and I have been seeing a couple steadily over the past 4 months. For the most part, this is a strong relationship, but I felt that he would prefer having sex with her over me, which only seemed normal since she is new to him. I tried to bring this to the forefront with him and said I realized that he preferred her over me which he denied though I don't believe him. I told him that I preferred the other husband over him, and yikes, it really hurt his feelings. Now, I don't know how to make it up to him or what to do. Help!

[Numex 2,416]

You both have new toys that you are fascinated with.  Nothing wrong with that.

 

I suggest, however, that both of you stop using the word "prefer."  It is antithetical to swinging.  Swinging means that you have different partners to meet different needs, desires, wants.  No one, not even a deeply devoted spouse can be everything to you.  Just enjoy the adventure without comparing and live it day to day.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Yeah, I'd clarify the meaning of 'prefer' in this context with him. The other man is new to you, and it's invigorating to have and want to be had by another man. That sort of newness can't be had in someone you've been married to for years. But, your husband is special to you...if he wasn't you wouldn't be with him. You're actively choosing to be with him, not with anyone else. HE is the man you choose to be with, no matter how much you enjoy sex with another man. Make that clear to him.

[LAF 7]

You guys are really knowledgeable! Thank you so much 😀

[njbm 2,871]

My wife will often say what do you like better, the steak or the lamb chops? I say that I don’t want to rate everything, I just want to enjoy them for what they are. One is not better, just different. 

[Davdia 119]

22 hours ago, LAF said:

My husband and I have been seeing a couple steadily over the past 4 months. For the most part, this is a strong relationship, but I felt that he would prefer having sex with her over me, which only seemed normal since she is new to him. I tried to bring this to the forefront with him and said I realized that he preferred her over me which he denied though I don't believe him. I told him that I preferred the other husband over him, and yikes, it really hurt his feelings. Now, I don't know how to make it up to him or what to do. Help!

If I were you I’d be looking for a good attorney and a new place to live. Telling your husband that to his face is unforgivable and easily a marriage ending decision. Personally I would have thrown you out after that statement and never looked back.  You are a cruel human being!

[discreetplay 235]

22 hours ago, LAF said:

I told him that I preferred the other husband over him, and yikes, it really hurt his feelings.

That's surprising? Talk about shooting a man's horse, dang. Now you don't know what to do? I'd pull back on the swinging and reengage with each other. This is a bad road you're on.

 

Seems you two have an interesting approach to swinging. For those we've encountered (and us) swinging is an addition to our incredible sex life. It isn't where we seek an individual that we prefer. For us, adding in a partner is to bring a MFM, FMF or MFMF dynamic that can't happen when it is the two of us. We don't partner up with others. If you feel he prefers someone else, and you say out loud <gasp!> that you prefer another man...your marriage is heading down (as others have said) and if you want to say it, get off the swinging road.

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Have the two of you sit down and have a talk...let him know that you may have used the wrong word with 'prefer'. Remember, if it wasn't for him, you wouldn't be doing anything with other guys so he's pretty darn special to start with. Maybe 'exciting' or something more along those lines. It's called NRE or new relationship energy where since it is new it becomes more of a focal point. What you really need to clarify is that it is just different. Make SURE that he also understands that sex DOES NOT EQUAL love. Sex with someone else is different...exciting, but that you LOVE HIM, especially for being allowed to do with WITH him. He IS and always be your number one and if he doesn't want to pursue swinging any longer, that you are fine with that because him and his needs come first. Let him know that what you said doesn't mean that having sex with others is better or that they are better at it than he is, it's just different. It sounds like you two just need to better explain things so you both understand and feel comfortable with what is happening. Keep the communication lines open and just keep talking, but until he understands what you are saying, it is probably best to place swinging on pause until you are both ready to continue.

[Davdia 119]

I find it interesting how some people think because they’re married anything is forgivable, the simple fact is it’s not. 
The fact is she clearly crossed a line from which there is nothing you do to make it right, she told her husband to his face she preferred sex with another man over him…..Game Over!!    Even if he says he forgives her he will never forget those words. Marriage is sacred and you never put anyone above your spouse,,,,Ever!!

Let’s put this in perspective …..can anyone please tell me any time when it’s appropriate to tell anyone that you have had sex with (spouse or not) that you prefer someone else to them for sex???

 

[lcmim 1,082]

Davidia, I am certainly glad that my wife has a more forgiving nature.An attribute that I do my best to emulate.

I agree that what she said was damaging, but if he is so fragile that this was a deal breaker then he should not be playing.

 

Things get said. Sometimes they are stupid things that we wish we had not said. A solid marriage does not give us license to be careless with each other feelings , but it does provide the grace of the occasional do over.

[Davdia 119]

5 hours ago, lcmim said:

Davidia, I am certainly glad that my wife has a more forgiving nature.An attribute that I do my best to emulate.

I agree that what she said was damaging, but if he is so fragile that this was a deal breaker then he should not be playing.

 

Things get said. Sometimes they are stupid things that we wish we had not said. A solid marriage does not give us license to be careless with each other feelings , but it does provide the grace of the occasional do over.

"You Asshole!", or "you’re being a Bitch!"……..these are things we slip up and say and of course they are forgivable.

I may be old fashioned but…..You don’t rob a bank, you don’t kill anyone and you don’t ever tell your spouse you would rather have sex with someone else!  None of these actions do you just get a pass on.
If my wife told me to my face she preferred having sex with another man…..she wouldn’t have to say it twice, she wouldn’t touch my cock ever again.

 

[enhancer 1,585]

Yikes I don’t think anyone would be okay with their spouse who they have spent years learning how to please would be okay hearing  that they prefer a stranger in bed!  Maybe a cockold that gets thrills from being humiliated, but that is about it.  Personally that would end any chance of swinging for myself.  How to fix this I have no idea.  

[MrMrsswinger 205]

I'm going to echo others. Saying you prefer sex with another man would immediately put a wall up. That's extremely harsh. And to justify your desire for the other guy by telling him he prefers the other wife?? And when he denies it you say you don't believe him.

 

I'm not sure this is salvageable.  

[Sunshine&Whiskey 15]

On 1/27/2023 at 6:49 PM, LAF said:

My husband and I have been seeing a couple steadily over the past 4 months. For the most part, this is a strong relationship, but I felt that he would prefer having sex with her over me, which only seemed normal since she is new to him. I tried to bring this to the forefront with him and said I realized that he preferred her over me which he denied though I don't believe him. I told him that I preferred the other husband over him, and yikes, it really hurt his feelings. Now, I don't know how to make it up to him or what to do. Help!

I’m no expert, nor are my wife and very experienced, but some clearer articulation seems to be in order. 
 

We encountered similar feelings and I don’t think it’s uncommon. Our first bout with this was between myself and the female half of the first couple we played with. They also happen to make up the vast majority of our experiences we’ve had. My wife is a retired gymnast, busty, but 5’1” and about 110lbs. The other is about 5’6”, athletic, but about 200lbs. Both have stunning faces but I’m really into thicker women, hence she was in my preference zone. Much like me she loves being teased, caressed, touched, and revels in foreplay. My wife is more throw her, bend her over something, mostly rough sex. When we played with them we found a groove together to where it was more sensual, lots of oral, and ages spent in 69 which we both love but our other halves are not big on. I was honest and told my wife it feels great but I respect our differences and am just glad each was being filled. 
 

Same went for her with the male half. Here we are with our routine and they were on a completely different level of borderline violence. I completely understand it is what it is. We made a habit afterward of being really outgoing for the other and making it clear we are each others life partner. Give that a shot.