Advice would be appreciated -newbie and having doubts

[anonxx 3]

Hi all!

I will try to make this as nutshelled as possible. So firstly , I have to say that I am extremely interested in the swing lifestyle and feel that it is something I would genuinely like to experience. In term of my relationship, I am feeling somewhat insecure and confused. I have been seeing my partner for several years, he is an amazing guy yet badly emotionally unavailable which makes talking about emotions and feelings impossible. We are due to embark on our ventures and half of me is sooo excited, whilst the other half is beyond confused and feeling far from secure. I have tried to broach this on several occasions to no progress, and the relationship has survived as long simply becuase I  tolerate the confusion and unavailability. He is a kind and respectful man, however out relationship has never really progressed from day dot which has led to us seeing each other once a week... We have fun times outside of sex and we are very close and have similar interests and humour. My question is what I should do about our upcoming trips and thoughts on swinging. I know I would be all in if I felt safe and secure in my relationship, however sadly it's like needing to be psychic and I'm definitely no good at that. Do I need to lighten up and go with the flow or do I need the answers that I know kakes me insecure. In honesty I have zero idea if this man is with me with any emotion at all, it is literally a no go area. 

Thanks everyone xx

[lcmim 1,082]

I would say do not do it.

[anonxx 3]

4 minutes ago, lcmim said:

I would say do not do it.

Thank you ... I'm trying to figure just how secure a relationship needs to be prior to this ... Thanks for your input xx

[enhancer 1,585]

Without really great communication there will not be security and this lifestyle will not work!  You do not have that so entering into this now sounds like a big mistake.

[Sprocket 18]

Your anxiety about entering into swinging events is normal. The excitement of what may take place is very enticing, However, it comes with relationship breaking risks that are not always obvious when excitement is dominating thoughts. As always in good relationships, open and honest communication between partners is paramount.   

It seems that you may not have that level of relationship as you indicate insecurity is on your mind.

If you value and want to continue to build your relationship then it would be silly to risk it without him opening up about how he truly feels for you.

Only when you feel rock solid emotionally with him can the swing lifestyle be considered. Many relationships/marriages have been damaged or ended because of swinging.

 

Should your current partner not want to commit himself to you and YOUR interest in the swing lifestyle remain enticing, then take the plunge as a single girl. You will meet some wonderful people and likely to have some great sex on the way.

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

Sadly, if your own relationship requires psychic powers, it's not going to get better when you start fucking other people and also can't communicate about that.

[anonxx 3]

7 hours ago, enhancer said:

Without really great communication there will not be security and this lifestyle will not work!  You do not have that so entering into this now sounds like a big mistake.

Thank you 

[anonxx 3]

5 hours ago, EastInWest said:

Sadly, if your own relationship requires psychic powers, it's not going to get better when you start fucking other people and also can't communicate about that.

The irony is we are able to communicate well when it comes to sex , but I think my biggest concern is the fact that my partner is unable to communicate about feelings towards me. It is tough to navigate around and I refuse to guess . Thanks for your reply. 

[anonxx 3]

6 hours ago, Sprocket said:

Your anxiety about entering into swinging events is normal. The excitement of what may take place is very enticing, However, it comes with relationship breaking risks that are not always obvious when excitement is dominating thoughts. As always in good relationships, open and honest communication between partners is paramount.   

It seems that you may not have that level of relationship as you indicate insecurity is on your mind.

If you value and want to continue to build your relationship then it would be silly to risk it without him opening up about how he truly feels for you.

Only when you feel rock solid emotionally with him can the swing lifestyle be considered. Many relationships/marriages have been damaged or ended because of swinging.

 

Should your current partner not want to commit himself to you and YOUR interest in the swing lifestyle remain enticing, then take the plunge as a single girl. You will meet some wonderful people and likely to have some great sex on the way.

 

Hey thanks so much for your response 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think what everyone else has said so far is very good. I'll echo what they said. Some more thoughts to consider.

 

There's an old saying around this forum that swinging multiplies whatever it finds in a relationship. If there is deep and abiding love, it amplifies it. If there is a problem of some kind, it will amplify it. You note the insecurity you feel. If you swing with your boyfriend, that insecurity will be amplified. If you feel he is emotionally disconnected from you, that disconnection will be amplified.

 

Let me give you a couple of example scenarios regarding just those two potential problems.

 

You're understandably insecure in your relationship. Imagine you're in bed with another couple, and you and your boyfriend are having a wonderful time. The couple is great, the sex is great, and it all seems so wonderful, so releasing, so empowering. Then you hear your boyfriend making noises he hasn't made with you. Your sense of insecurity can suddenly explode as you feel like the other woman is able to evoke something out of him that you can't. How will you feel?

 

You're understandably concerned about his emotional unavailability with you. Again, you're in bed with another couple having a great time. What if your boyfriend does an act of kindness with the other woman, that could be interpreted as an expression of caring? It is quite possible you will suddenly feel quite upset that this act of caring was so easy for him with a woman he'd just met, but not so easy with you. Again, this can all explode.

 

You haven't said you're considering swinging to fix any problems in your relationship, and that's good. But, understand that just as much as using swinging to fix problems is a recipe for disaster, so too is going into swinging with a relationship that is problematic.

 

We obviously know nothing really of your relationship. But, if the emotional unavailability is a concern, the future of the relationship is likely short. All relationship covers all facets. That includes emotional availability. Everything else can be great, but if that emotional availability isn't there, there's danger in the future.

 

I wouldn't swing as a single while you're still involved with your boyfriend. But, if you do break up and still think swinging would be fun, I agree with Sprocket above; you will very likely have a lot of fun. You will also be in VERY high demand. Many couples are looking for single women, and you can have your pick of the best.

 

Let us know how things go! You are very welcome here, and we're glad you are here with your questions!

[Davdia 119]

I’m pretty sure Swinging has never fixed a emotionally disconnected relationship……EVER

I think you’re in a high risk situation, with little upside.  
Let’s just say that you have awesome luck and you find a partner that you really connect with, both physically and emotionally, that would only leave you with a sexual relationship that’s everything you want and your current long term relationship that leaves you wanting and wondering……..

This spells disaster.

Maybe a better approach is focusing on communication with your current partner…….a hard fact to accept is that it takes two people to fail a relationship.      If he’s not opening up to you the way you want him to , you need to not only let him know that but you also have to help him feel comfortable expressing himself.  Many people are capable of great love and affection and just don’t know how or are afraid to let themselves go. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

To be successful at swinging you both MUST have an abundance of love, trust and communication. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near that at this time. That doesn't mean you won't ever be ready, just that you are not ready now. Set this as a goal and begin/continue working on making your relationship one that is in abundance of these things. No matter what happens in the future, increasing the love, communication and trust is almost always going to enrich a relationship even if swinging wasn't on the board.

 

You're not ready yet and going forward will most likely not end well for the relationship. 

[anonxx 3]

6 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

I think what everyone else has said so far is very good. I'll echo what they said. Some more thoughts to consider.

 

There's an old saying around this forum that swinging multiplies whatever it finds in a relationship. If there is deep and abiding love, it amplifies it. If there is a problem of some kind, it will amplify it. You note the insecurity you feel. If you swing with your boyfriend, that insecurity will be amplified. If you feel he is emotionally disconnected from you, that disconnection will be amplified.

 

Let me give you a couple of example scenarios regarding just those two potential problems.

 

You're understandably insecure in your relationship. Imagine you're in bed with another couple, and you and your boyfriend are having a wonderful time. The couple is great, the sex is great, and it all seems so wonderful, so releasing, so empowering. Then you hear your boyfriend making noises he hasn't made with you. Your sense of insecurity can suddenly explode as you feel like the other woman is able to evoke something out of him that you can't. How will you feel?

 

You're understandably concerned about his emotional unavailability with you. Again, you're in bed with another couple having a great time. What if your boyfriend does an act of kindness with the other woman, that could be interpreted as an expression of caring? It is quite possible you will suddenly feel quite upset that this act of caring was so easy for him with a woman he'd just met, but not so easy with you. Again, this can all explode.

 

You haven't said you're considering swinging to fix any problems in your relationship, and that's good. But, understand that just as much as using swinging to fix problems is a recipe for disaster, so too is going into swinging with a relationship that is problematic.

 

We obviously know nothing really of your relationship. But, if the emotional unavailability is a concern, the future of the relationship is likely short. All relationship covers all facets. That includes emotional availability. Everything else can be great, but if that emotional availability isn't there, there's danger in the future.

 

I wouldn't swing as a single while you're still involved with your boyfriend. But, if you do break up and still think swinging would be fun, I agree with Sprocket above; you will very likely have a lot of fun. You will also be in VERY high demand. Many couples are looking for single women, and you can have your pick of the best.

 

Let us know how things go! You are very welcome here, and we're glad you are here with your questions!

Thank you so much for your detailed response it is certainly something for ke to think about.. greatly appreciated 

[anonxx 3]

9 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

To be successful at swinging you both MUST have an abundance of love, trust and communication. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near that at this time. That doesn't mean you won't ever be ready, just that you are not ready now. Set this as a goal and begin/continue working on making your relationship one that is in abundance of these things. No matter what happens in the future, increasing the love, communication and trust is almost always going to enrich a relationship even if swinging wasn't on the board.

 

You're not ready yet and going forward will most likely not end well for the relationship. 

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. 

[anonxx 3]

3 hours ago, Davdia said:

I’m pretty sure Swinging has never fixed a emotionally disconnected relationship……EVER

I think you’re in a high risk situation, with little upside.  
Let’s just say that you have awesome luck and you find a partner that you really connect with, both physically and emotionally, that would only leave you with a sexual relationship that’s everything you want and your current long term relationship that leaves you wanting and wondering……..

This spells disaster.

Maybe a better approach is focusing on communication with your current partner…….a hard fact to accept is that it takes two people to fail a relationship.      If he’s not opening up to you the way you want him to , you need to not only let him know that but you also have to help him feel comfortable expressing himself.  Many people are capable of great love and affection and just don’t know how or are afraid to let themselves go. 

Thank you . !!!

[couplers 4,636]

Again, I am the contrarian here.  I am a woman who believes that a relationship before marriage should not be held together by endless compromises.  You are at the stage where you are evaluating whether the person who you are with is the right one for a lifetime commitment.  So live the life that you want, including your form of nonmonogamy, and see how it works with your partner.  Be kind, be generous, be respectful to him, but don't compromise on yourself.

 

I say this as a woman who did my thing, something most guys wouldn't accept, but found two men who love me as I am.  Eventually, in turn, my selflessness has made them happy.  We were all open about what we wanted and what we were happy to give. 

 

 

Edited February 14, 2023 by couplers

[anonxx 3]

3 hours ago, couplers said:

Again, I am the contrarian here.  I am a woman who believes that a relationship before marriage should not be held together by endless compromises.  You are at the stage where you are evaluating whether the person who you are with is the right one for a lifetime commitment.  So live the life that you want, including your form of nonmonogamy, and see how it works with your partner.  Be kind, be generous, be respectful to him, but don't compromise on yourself.

 

I say this as a woman who did my thing, something most guys wouldn't accept, but found two men who love me as I am.  Eventually, in turn, my selflessness has made them happy.  We were all open about what we wanted and what we were happy to give. 

 

 

Thank you for your comment ! Definitely something for me to think about... Thanks for sharing