Introduced to poly lifestyle a year ago now partner wants to swing with his wife I am troubled

[IntrovertedLoV3r 2]

I do apologize If I seem ignorant or closed minded but I am fearful. I recently found out that the man I have been seeing for a year who told me up front that he was polyamorous but only looking to expand his “collective” to 1 or 2 partners outside of his wife now wants to explore swinging. I am afraid of the possibility of him giving me an STD or STI. I have never had one and do not ever want to get one. I am concerned because he and his wife want to do this and they didn’t talk to me about it or include me in possibly joining them so I could get more acclimated  to the lifestyle and possibly find my place in it. I feel like this decision is not demonstrating the principles of polyamory where communication and openness are paramount. Does this “ethical”non-monogamy only extent to the primary couple? Should I not expect my feelings or comfort to be considered in the arrangement? Let me be clear the words love and girlfriend and consideration including me in a “family style”arrangement  have been discussed. Our encounters were never just sexual there were emotions involved. Please help me understand. 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Every arrangement can vary, but it doesn't sound like you are in a 'poly' relationship to me. They are evolving as a couple - you can evolve with them or cut them loose.

[Billygoat 445]

Unlike the Swinger Lifestyle polyamory and polygamist relationships are far more complicated.  There are relationships, feelings, a deeper connection/friendship that can happen in the swinger LS when couples/single/solo participants become common and steady playmates.  It can border a polyamorist lifestyle to some degree but the couple involved maintains a primary relationship but not necessarily exclusive relationships.  Some poly relationships also include the swing lifestyle while remaining emotionally attached to primary partners.  Most often polygamy does not include Swinging or partners outside their family environment.  
 

Developing a loving, connected, emotional relationship in monogamy is challenging enough.  Sharing, growing together establishing a life together and goals the give and take in relationship for two compounds greatly when three….four….five or more are attempted.  Certainly doable.  Certainly can be very loving, supportive etc as with any monogamous relationship and like that relationship has to be equal across the three….four or more.  
 

In our experience we have both had relationships that developed with another but in the end did not become a forever relationship do to individual needs. With our additional developing female relationships one younger wanted children that I/we could not provide.  Later an older relationship after two years, very close and loving…family health issues took her out of state for those family obligations.  With the male relationship all was growing well and looking like a living arrangement in the near future……and circumstances beyond our control and his brought to a very sad and abrupt stop…..a sad loss.

 

Communication and open sharing (not sexual) is a must and constant checking in with each other, sharing thoughts and concerns, needs, desires…..and the big issue, time.  How to share time, time with, emotional and support time.  And another big hurtle……..open.  Being out as a thruple or quad etc.  Because hiding it is the first step to distraction.

 

we know personally several expanded living relationships that involve multiples.  More that were called poly….but in reality only extended sex partner based that never really grew….or had a chance to.  Number of “family members” the gender mix never really factored in.  Nor did sexual interests/identity.  What did work was the communication, emotional mix, commitment and willingness to give to each other what is needed at the moment.  Again, not talking about sex.

 

It is our belief that many “poly” relationships seem to all revolve around a third for sex.  Not a committed poly relationship.  As such someone is bound to be hurt, not get what they really need from a relationship…..devotion, emotional support and growth.  A true three or more way relationship.  And again not talking about sex.  That is totally sepperate.

[lcmim 1,086]

The following is from a VERY limited exposure to Poly relationships, from the outside looking in.  Much of the dynamics revolving around a standard issue marriage and a Poly family, as far as power relationships, seem to run the same  in terms of range. This is somewhere between  total control by one to total immersion of those involved.

An mundane example would be a new car was purchased . Did it just show up in the driveway or was it a consensus decision.

OR

If my wife or I take a lover, is it a mutual decision or announced as a fiat accompli.

 

It sounds to me, from your description, that your particular poly pairing  is not in the consensus mode. The term you used "collective" keeps waving a little flag.

 

Way back in the days , when my generation "invented sexual freedom", we sometimes used that term describing a commune. They too often had sexual mobility between the members. Decision matters where handled in any number of different ways. The word family was not often used. 

 

( In ours , new members were introduced  to the group as a a friend. After some period of vetting , someone would suggest that they be included, consensus carried the day. In one I visited in Arizona, group reception was welcomed , but the power of inclusion rested in the hands of one person.)

 

"Poly" gets thrown around fairly casually, almost to the point of being meaningless as a specific type.

Collective might be an accurate term for you.  The collection might be continuing ,based of their needs not yours as an equal.

 

Originally did the terms of engagement  give you an equal input into their personal relationship or were you an elevated FWB who lived with them as a guest in their opening marriage?

 

How would it be received if you decided to take a lover, without asking and getting a green light?

 

I really hope couplers pipes up on this thread.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

While the word "polyamorous" was used by you, it sounds like what you might have actually been in was a closed monogamous swinging relationship (swinging within a closed group). Polyamorous  (at least to us) by definition involves 'many loves' (while there might be a principle couple, all involved are truly involved and decisions are a group choice with love and respect for all opinions)...what you have described doesn't sound like the love extended outside of the principle couple. They were swinging within a small group and now they have decided to open that group up further to more people. That leaves you with only one choice: stay or leave the group.

 

We too are waiting on Couplers to chime in here...

[couplers 4,718]

20 hours ago, lcmim said:

 

I really hope couplers pipes up on this thread.

 

19 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

We too are waiting on Couplers to chime in here...

 

I am flattered by your wanting me to give my view on this.

Two points. As with many terms in the general non-monogamous lifestyle, the words “poly” and 
“polyamorous” mean different things to different people and get thrown around loosely. For us, it
defines our family as being very tightly bonded by emotions, love, sex, children, finances, and a shared home. Although we can’t have a traditional marriage among us (and don’t expect society and the legal 
system to recognize us as a married fivesome), we have tried to cement the bonds among all of us by a 
number of other means to achieve the same ends with agreements drawn up by lawyers, accountants, 
insurance policies, tax experts, commonly owned real estate. We even have plans vetted by our 
attorneys of who should marry among us if certain things (like death) should happen. It helps that every child is biologically the products of a mix of only us in the family. In short, for us “poly” means 
as tightly together as possible. But there are plenty of other interpretations given in the posts above and no official definition anywhere.

Second, it is up to you, and only you, to decide what is right for you. If the couple that you are involved 
with is changing the arrangement among you all in any way (emotional, sexual, financial) you all need to talk about it. If it no longer suits you, leave. I, and all the others in my family put the others first, most especially the children. We are all generous with the others in our family. If you are not getting the respect to which you are entitled - honesty, transparency, fairness – have a serious conversation. If it is not what you want, you must be prepared to move on. It doesn’t matter what you call it – poly, a throuple, polygamy, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, swingers – the point by point attributes of you relationships with both of them must align with your needs and desires.

 

Your concerns are genuine.  Choose the best course. 

[lcmim 1,086]

The reason I wanted to hear from couplers is that she is the most clearly defined  "poly" contributor on this list.

Before generalising on this her input was important.

 

What I am seeing in the answers above:

Your questions and concerns are genuine reasonable and reality facing.

 

1. You may be letting the term poly throw you.

2.Try considering this in terms of just normal human to human relationships.

3. If the situation has changed from what you have accepted and expected, then it is  time to reexamine.

4. Talk this out with your partners. Perhaps some mutually satisfactory clarity can be had.

5.If this can not be worked out to everyone's happiness, then it may be time to move on.

[couplers 4,718]

19 hours ago, lcmim said:

Before generalising on this

An excellent, succinct post.  You covered it all in four points. 

[TeamCalgary 169]

Always helpful having your unique insight couplers, especially on matters such as this. Thank you for being part of our larger "family" here on the board.