Looking for advice- newbie

[komo0892 5]

I am looking for some advice and conservation from a third party. I have recently found myself interested in swinging when my boyfriend stated that he would like to hook up with someone else. Devastated after hearing the statement, I put my feelings aside and really tried to open up. We have been together for 5 years and he’s been honest about how open he was in the past about sex but it’s been harder to talk about our own sex life. Since I am not as experienced there is some insecurity on both ends. Sex has always been great but has become redundant and fuzzy hand cuffs don’t arousal thanks to the desensitization of porn. He is more open than I am and loves to talk about how he feels, no matter the subject. We talked about how he views having sex as just for fun and having a sexual attraction to another person different than wanting to make a life with someone. With him being so open and honest he has helped me open up but I am still more reserved. I want to venture out but I am still insecure, I still like to have an emotional connection, so I ask myself if I’ll be able to handle it. We are having the conversation and he is being so patient, understanding and not pushy at all. A part of me wants to give him this lifestyle, a part of me wants to venture out as well and a part of me is very doubtful and insecure. Thanks for any advice.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

First, welcome to the board. You'll get all sorts of feedback here. You have already done one important thing, and that is to keep the lines of communication wide open. There are several prompts that might be worth both of you taking the time to reflect and discuss. 

 

1. What foundational values do we share? What is the basis for our relationship?

2. Do we think our relationship is strong and getting stronger because we can talk about these issues? Or so we think our relationship is getting weaker, and these discussions are a symptom of uncertainty or fear?

3. Where, precisely, does intimacy fit into our relationship?

4. How do we conceive of monogamy? Is it a fence that keeps others out? A fence that holds us together? How would we conceive of a gap in that fence? A breach, a gate, a portal to an unknown? 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

It is wonderful that he is being so patient. A common saying you'll see around here; when a couple is getting into swinging they should move at the pace of the slower of the two. Your boyfriend is doing exactly this. Another good sign; he is being patient and not pushy. Nobody, man or woman, should feel pressured into doing this. You should want to do it because you want to do it. It's great that he enjoys talking about how he feels. It is rather too common for men to not do this.

 

He is right; sex can be just for fun, and not be something you're doing as part of a relationship intended to be for life. My own observations are that this is something women have a harder time separating. That's not a bad thing. I think for women it's a different experience; when you have sex you are physically bringing someone into your body. It's not that way for men. I understand your desire to have an emotional connection with the person you are having sex with. Consider though; every time you have sex with your boyfriend, is it always making love? Is it sometimes just that you, he, or both are horny and feel the need to release? If it is sometimes not exactly making love, that's what swinging sex tends to be like. Like, "wow this feels really good and it's fun!" rather than "wow I love this man so much and I sooo happy he's inside me!" It's a different sort of experience. Swinging sex doesn't have to be empty, devoid of feeling or meaning. It is fun. It's getting to enjoy another man, without having the ramifications of wondering "Am I having sex with the right man? Is he going to respect me? Is he going to really love me?". Swinging sex can be a bit freeing of the normal trappings of relationships, and can really drive you to a high level of sexual encounter precisely because it's not encumbered with all the trappings of a relationship.

 

When my wife and I first got into swinging, she had butterflies the first several times. She too was nervous, and maybe a bit insecure. It took a bit for her to feel more at ease, more like it was a natural and normal thing to be doing. The third time was the charm for her. The guy in question was wonderful for her, and she had toe curling sex with him. She. Just. Couldn't. Get. Enough. After that, she said "Ok, now I'm a swinger!".

 

Feeling insecure is normal. People aren't raised to think in terms of non-monogamy. You're not "programmed", so to speak, to understand how to be in a non-monogamous relationship. This is something very new, and very much different than what you likely always thought of a relationship. That doesn't make it wrong. Your boyfriend very likely isn't going to think less of you for having sex with another man. In fact, it's very likely that it will heavily invigorate your sexual relationship. Though, that should NOT be a reason to do it! Your boyfriend will very likely think of you in an even higher way than before. Like "Wow! She had sex with that man and loved it! What an incredibly sex woman! And she wants to be with me!" I know for my part, I very much enjoy my wife having sex with other man. I've never figured out why, and gave up trying a long time ago :) I just love it and her, all the more.

 

Keep talking with your boyfriend. Fundamental Law raised some very interesting and provocative talking points. Opening up to each other so deeply can be a bit scary. But, trust each other. Don't make judgments of each other. Don't be sarcastic or anything like that. Just listen, ask, tell, repeat. Communication is very, very important in any relationship, and all the moreso in couples who are non-monogamous.

 

When you feel you are ready to take the next step, you might consider going to a swingers meet-and-greet. Depending on your area, there may be one or more of them. It's a good way to kind of break the ice, to meet other like minded people, without having to actually play with anyone. After that, you might consider soft swap, where the two of you play with another couple, doing lots of fun things, but not actually having sex. This can be a safer way to see how you feel. Always discuss with each other how you feel, how it is going, whether it's feeling right or wrong or what have you. Discuss discuss discuss.

 

I could write a lot more. I like to type :) I think you're headed in the right direction, whether you swing or not. It's the opening of a door. Please feel free to ask us anything! We're a helpful bunch! And let us know how it goes!

[komo0892 5]

22 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

It is wonderful that he is being so patient. A common saying you'll see around here; when a couple is getting into swinging they should move at the pace of the slower of the two. Your boyfriend is doing exactly this. Another good sign; he is being patient and not pushy. Nobody, man or woman, should feel pressured into doing this. You should want to do it because you want to do it. It's great that he enjoys talking about how he feels. It is rather too common for men to not do this.

 

He is right; sex can be just for fun, and not be something you're doing as part of a relationship intended to be for life. My own observations are that this is something women have a harder time separating. That's not a bad thing. I think for women it's a different experience; when you have sex you are physically bringing someone into your body. It's not that way for men. I understand your desire to have an emotional connection with the person you are having sex with. Consider though; every time you have sex with your boyfriend, is it always making love? Is it sometimes just that you, he, or both are horny and feel the need to release? If it is sometimes not exactly making love, that's what swinging sex tends to be like. Like, "wow this feels really good and it's fun!" rather than "wow I love this man so much and I sooo happy he's inside me!" It's a different sort of experience. Swinging sex doesn't have to be empty, devoid of feeling or meaning. It is fun. It's getting to enjoy another man, without having the ramifications of wondering "Am I having sex with the right man? Is he going to respect me? Is he going to really love me?". Swinging sex can be a bit freeing of the normal trappings of relationships, and can really drive you to a high level of sexual encounter precisely because it's not encumbered with all the trappings of a relationship.

 

When my wife and I first got into swinging, she had butterflies the first several times. She too was nervous, and maybe a bit insecure. It took a bit for her to feel more at ease, more like it was a natural and normal thing to be doing. The third time was the charm for her. The guy in question was wonderful for her, and she had toe curling sex with him. She. Just. Couldn't. Get. Enough. After that, she said "Ok, now I'm a swinger!".

 

Feeling insecure is normal. People aren't raised to think in terms of non-monogamy. You're not "programmed", so to speak, to understand how to be in a non-monogamous relationship. This is something very new, and very much different than what you likely always thought of a relationship. That doesn't make it wrong. Your boyfriend very likely isn't going to think less of you for having sex with another man. In fact, it's very likely that it will heavily invigorate your sexual relationship. Though, that should NOT be a reason to do it! Your boyfriend will very likely think of you in an even higher way than before. Like "Wow! She had sex with that man and loved it! What an incredibly sex woman! And she wants to be with me!" I know for my part, I very much enjoy my wife having sex with other man. I've never figured out why, and gave up trying a long time ago I just love it and her, all the more.

 

Keep talking with your boyfriend. Fundamental Law raised some very interesting and provocative talking points. Opening up to each other so deeply can be a bit scary. But, trust each other. Don't make judgments of each other. Don't be sarcastic or anything like that. Just listen, ask, tell, repeat. Communication is very, very important in any relationship, and all the moreso in couples who are non-monogamous.

 

When you feel you are ready to take the next step, you might consider going to a swingers meet-and-greet. Depending on your area, there may be one or more of them. It's a good way to kind of break the ice, to meet other like minded people, without having to actually play with anyone. After that, you might consider soft swap, where the two of you play with another couple, doing lots of fun things, but not actually having sex. This can be a safer way to see how you feel. Always discuss with each other how you feel, how it is going, whether it's feeling right or wrong or what have you. Discuss discuss discuss.

 

I could write a lot more. I like to type I think you're headed in the right direction, whether you swing or not. It's the opening of a door. Please feel free to ask us anything! We're a helpful bunch! And let us know how it goes!

Wow, thank you! This was such a great read! I really do want to let go and I am so lucky to have an honest and understanding partner. It’s all new and exciting and terrifying