Views appreciated 👍

[anonymousx 6]

Hi all! Hope you are all well, hoping for some advice on my situational drama... So I have been with my partner for several years with a break and we are happy. He is not completely emotionally available however tries his best and is very much open about swinging and communication a out sex, fantasies etc.

We have been on our swinging journey for about 4 months and have had some soft play encounters however no full swap or sex yet. I have enjoyed seeing him experience oral and he is keen for me to get brave in experiencing more things.

Currently we are at logger heads in our approach to swinging... His approach is it is just sex, he doesn't care about the people he fucks, sorry to be crude... And that they are simply a real life replacement for porn....

On the flip side I am worrying about finding a person or couple I feel comfortable with, do not see them as just fucks and feel that some sort of humanity is required in order to connect with people.

I have a past of trauma which probably doesn't help however my current biggest Insecurities are around my mom tum and general child bearing wobble..alongside fears of not being good enough. 

We are members of a swinging site and I have chatted with some lovely people in the sense of getting to know them however my partner feels I overkill chats and talk irrelevant things when in fact I should be focussing simply on the sex and nothing more.

I guess my question is am I being over familiar and friendly with people I should simply be viewing as sex, and if so then am I even cut out for this life as I genuinely do care about people and humanity and have a career in this exact path. 

I am aware my partner's views is purely around sex with no real care for the person beyond looks however I am unable to think in this way. I'd like an insight into how others view this.

Any views would be appreciated so I or we can try to meet each other in the middle and find a good ground to proceed xx

[njbm 2,869]

People have different opinions. Men are from Venus, women are from Mars or something like that. 

Some of our swing partners became friends. Some were only swing partners. We have really held off from swinging since covid, but not only because of covid. We notice that those swingers more enthusiastic about sex have not maintained contact with us. Those who are more casual swingers remain friends. 

[Billygoat 443]

Just like in all walks of life there are many types of people, personalities, opinions and beliefs.  They are all reflections of who and what a person is.  And the biggest is their own expectations.

 

True, some only use the LS to provide the easy, simple sex with those they are attracted to, quick, no strings attached.  They attend the party…the only real participation is to scan the room to select who they want.  If there they provide as much interaction and social graces to garnish consent, a room, sexual gratification/conquest for themselves…..and they leave. This is in stark contrast to those who must all but fall in love before accepting an offer of pleasure.

 

then there are all those thousands of variations and mix of personalities that blend and entangle that create the best in the Lifestyle up to and including decades and lifelong friendships that endure even if the sexual participation comes to an end.

 

There is no one key, one path to follow.  What path you choose has to work for you.  I can advise you to be a people watcher, observe those a the party that are thoroughly having a great time at the party without much alcohol and before any sex play.  Those are the ones having the most fun, open conversation spiced with a little flirting and provocative conversation that in the end may or may not lead to some level of sexual play/pleasure.  But regardless they are having a great time, the sex at any level if it happens is a wonderful extra, not a necessity to make the night a success.  A real win is having a group of close knit friends that you can share everything with and each other and have your number one, your life partner always beside you through it all.

 

 

Edited May 31, 2023 by Billygoat

[anonymousx 6]

Thank you for your replies, greatly appreciated ! I guess it gives me a. Sense of comfort that we are all different... And it's not just me thinking wrong lol !

Definitely something we are keen to work through and I think maybe trying to see it from his perspective would help me, and vice versa. 

X

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

This, all too often, is kind of a standard problem that goes back to the start of time. Guys just want to have sex and how their partner looks, acts, thinks, feel is usually beside the point. Women all too often need to have a connection with someone they have sex with. Probably because of the long taught thought that they might get pregnant, so they should only have sex with someone they 'like'. True or not, this doesn't really matter. What does matter is you feel one way and he the other. What HE needs to understand is that if you don't feel comfortable with what you are doing, you won't want to do is for very long. One of our long surviving rules has always been 'if one of us says no then we both say no...no questions asked, no repercussions'. It doesn't matter why one of us isn't interested in another couple, one of us is not interested so we move on to another couple.

 

The only thing we would add is that you shouldn't spend too much time texting/emailing/communicating before you actually meet another couple (or single). You will always learn more about them in 5 minutes together IRL than you would in an eternity of texts/emails/etc. Once we run across another couple that we are potentially interested in, we schedule a dinner or drinks to meet, with everyone knowing in advance that it is ONLY to meet...not to play. After the initial meeting, everyone can decide if they want to get together again and 'see what may happen'. If anyone isn't interested, then we can all save time and move onto the next couple.

 

Bottom line: He needs to be more understanding to your needs and, maybe, in return, you will end up meeting more potential partners...at least to see if you are interested in having more happen in the future. Good luck and let us know how things go...

[lcmim 1,082]

Yes there certainly are all types.

From our standpoint.

If we communicated with you first we would set up a time to meet for drinks or food.

If we communicated with your husband first neither of us would proceed, but that is just us.

 

We just were in contact with someone and within the first three paragraphs the bedroom chat got pretty heavy. It is too bad. This person had command of English and a decent vocabulary. There were signs that they as a couple might be worth knowing. Then we started to feel like slabs of meat.

 

There are others out there sufficiently hot to trot that would enjoy this persons approach.

 

We have enjoyed spontaneous sex at parties but that is a different scenario.