Swinging took my relationship

[anonymousx 6]

So as expected and going against all advice given in this lovely forum , swinging finally stole my relationship.

Alongside me wanting to thank every person who has taken the time to give me advice I also wanted to vent my frustration. Me and my now ex partner were together for several years. We decided to venture into swinging and admittedly I was much slower than him in terms of wanting to have sex or swap. Our fantasies and I'd say views didn't align and I preferred the slow approach to protect our relationship, whilst going all in was his apparent approach. I craved the journey to be about "us" and he craved the journey to be about multiple sexual experiences apart or together.

I feel so sad and devastated that although the chance to fix us should have been first priority, he made the decision to proceed in engaging, arranging meets and locking me out of our profile so he was able to continue on his journey without my awareness... To me that feels like betrayal and cheating. Our relationship came second to the swinging 

I absolutely felt a solid relationship first was the answer to a prosperous swinging journey and have been duped that my relationship was not as important as I actually thought it was. 

So now I am trying to process and decide if I should go solo on this journey as a female or pack it in altogether. Meanwhile only 1 hour after our relationship ending my ex partner is meeting and doing what swinging should be... But single and without concern for me or our relationship.

I wanted to rant and vent, but I also wanted to say to anyone who has given me previous advice that... You were right and thank you ! A life lesson I guess xxx

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I'm not sorry about him. It sounds to me that regardless of swinging, his type of relationship was about him, and not the couple. I could be jumping to conclusions, but that's the way it seems.

 

You are absolutely correct that a solid relationship first is critically important for a couple to have before engaging in swinging. The old saying; swinging is a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If it finds love, it magnifies that. If it finds problems, it magnifies the problems. Obviously it found the latter in the case of you and your ex.

 

You might want to take some time out, catch your breath, and get yourself on firm footing before trying to decide if you want to get into swinging as single female.

 

If (if) you decide to get into swinging as a single female, you have a number of things to consider. If you're bisexual and get into swinging as a single female, you are the much fabled "unicorn"; rumored to exist but no one's ever encountered one. Ok that's stretching the truth a little But, you will be in very, very high demand if you went that route. You will be a couple's dream come true. Given that, you can be extremely picky and find the situation that works best for you. You want a connection? Get it. You want to have more of a feeling for the couple, a sense of closeness? Get it. Any couple worth their salt will view you as an amazing gift, and treat you like a queen.

 

Even if you aren't bisexual, this is likely to be the case. Single females are uncommon in the lifestyle regardless, and are in very high demand. You'll need to learn how to weed out a LOT of contacts. Being on a swinging site as a single female you're going to get the attentions of a lot of people. It might be a pain to work through all of that. A tip I often give; put something in your profile some ways into it that says something like "If you've read this far, let me know in your contact email by telling me your favorite color at the beginning of your email" or something like that. If the contact email from the couple or single male doesn't have that, delete the email, block them, and move on. They obviously haven't actually read your profile and are just looking for a hookup.

 

This can be a wonderful journey for you! Please keep coming back and ask whatever questions you have, feel free to vent, or just speak your mind in general about what's going on in your thought processes about all of this. We'll be happy to listen and offer possible answers.

[anonymousx 6]

Thank you so much for your lovely and thought out response. I really appreciate your words and you absolutely worded my relationship perfectly despite not knowing me. It was very much about him, his thoughts, how he thought it should be and Why I was never quite enough or right in any element of it.

 

I think taking some time to reflect on this is definitely a wise move so I can figure out which direction I wish to go in. I held such excitement for joining the swing world as a couple and how it may look, so it feels very different to take that path as a single. For one the fantasies now feel a little skewed so yes... I will take the time.

If red flags are a thing, there have been many along the way to tell me that my ex partners desires were not based around "us" and more so about "him". It felt very micro managed which I now see was power and control. Often being locked out of our profile or the profile being deleted if I had angered him in a clash in opinion regarding how to navigate this, but no bigger sign of my irrelevance than using our couples profile to pursue more for himself whilst having prevented me from being part of it or accessing the site. It was often used as a weapon or punishment against me so I was crazy to proceed knowing this.

 

Trust, communication and love failings , but I have learned that my gut instinct works..

 If only I listen to it lol.

I hope one day I am able to be this unicorn! Lol . Thank you again for your message x

 

[TeamCalgary 168]

Hello anonymousx,

 

We wish you well in your journey, where ever it takes you and what ever path you choose.

 

It appears you learned some hard lessons in your now past relationship; time to move forward.

There are always going to be selfish folks in any facet of life, swinging is no different. Watch for them and stay clear.

 

Swinging will be here if/when you are ready. This is your time, so take it. Just for you. 

 

Good luck to you.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

So sorry to hear that your relationship has ended, however, in an attempt to put a more positive spin on things, it's better to find out now (even though you have already invested several years into the relationship) than to have things continue for several more years before finding out that it wasn't going to work. This is why we are constantly saying love/trust/communication is so very important. Also, that swinging is the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of life...not missed if they aren't there, but just that much better when they are.

 

We have enjoyed swinging during the time we have pursued it, but if either of us wanted to walk away, we both would without a second thought. The relationship we have is so much more important than anything we do in it or as part of it. You really should take a break and take some time to recover from what has happened. We wish you the best and if you are even in Nor Cal, invite you to come over and say hello some time (we would love even just seeing a unicorn just once to know that they really do exist...lol).

[lcmim 1,082]

I am sorry to hear how this played out for you. It is correct that now is far better than later. It might help to consider what swinging is and what part if any you have with it , or it with you.

 

I may stir up a hornets nest but I will say this anyway.   

 

Swinging is in my view a couples sport. It is often described as Ethical Non -monogamy.

( For the sake of this discussion  I include marriage a and committed relationship as one thing. A "single" is someone not in either type of relationship.)

 

When a single person has sex with another single, they are just hooking up. That goes back as far as there was sex. It is not swinging. While it may look similar from the outside promiscuity does not equal swinging. From what I have seen singles often have more partners, but fewer encounters.

 

When a single person has sex with either a couple or  a member of a couple who is playing with consent of their partner, the married portion is "swinging" in some sort of definition. The single person is still hooking up, but also participating in the others "swinging".

 

If the married component is playing without consent of their partner then they are cheating, not swinging. Depending on a number of factors the single is either just hooking up, participating in the other cheating, or cheating. This depends on knowledge of the situation, and intent on the singles part.

 A Swinger who is not playing by the couples rules are cheating.

 

Unless you have a thing for married men or playing with couples, you have a normal healthy conventional sex life before you. That is far from boring. You could even get group sex going that way.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

We agree. Swinging was the proximate factor for the end, but the seeds were there. Praying for your peace. Good luck moving forward.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

No hornets here, and while we agree that swinging is a team sport, we also think that swinging does include single women (although very rare) and (God forbid) even single men (just no single men in our swinging truth). Hooking up usually involves two singles...when you add a third person, we think this crosses the line into swinging. Just our personal opinion...

[lcmim 1,082]

GoldCoCouple, 

That is why I mentioned the group sex thing, as not necessarily being swinging.

 

Thinking more on it , for me the question is who has skin in the game (pun intended).

 

When a singleton is playing with anyone only their skin is in. 

 

When a Married , or otherwise fully coupled, person plays it is not only their skin but also their partners skin, even if the partner is not actively engaged. Any risk of disease,trauma of any type, unintended consequences such as pregnancy or dramatic attachment affects the partner.

 

If both partners of the coupled are aware and in agreement then there is swinging involved, for the couple. For the single it is just having sex with a swinger.

[TeamCalgary 168]

It is very interesting to see how this particular scenario presented has us all thinking about "what really defines swinging"; 

who, and under what conditions, are considered a "swinger".  One of the rather "odd" situations that we encounter 

occasionally, is the couple that gets together to engage with other couples. This "couple" could be two single folks that 

are now operating as a couple, or, as what we have occasionally seen, the adulterous "couple". Each member of this couple is cheating on their respective spouses, not only do these folks not have any "skin in the game", they are not interested in respecting the rules of the game itself. Disconcerting to say the least. We run from these "couples"; they scare they hell out of us as they throw to the wind any assumptions that swinging couples like to make when engaging with other couples. 

 

 

[couplers 4,634]

On 6/20/2023 at 3:41 PM, anonymousx said:

 

I absolutely felt a solid relationship first was the answer to a prosperous swinging journey and have been duped that my relationship was not as important as I actually thought it was. 

You are lucky that this happened before you invested more time in the relationship.  Swinging showed you his true, selfish self.

 

On 6/20/2023 at 3:41 PM, anonymousx said:

 

So now I am trying to process and decide if I should go solo on this journey as a female or pack it in altogether.

If you wish to find a spouse who will live with you in a non-monogamous life, it is best to begin with that understanding rather than "building a solid relationship" then seeing what he thinks and how he handles it.

 

There are two approaches: swing as a single and find someone already in the lifestyle, or date in the vanilla world and bring up your need for a non-monogamous long-term relationship early when sex is first discussed.  Or a mix thereof.

 

Personally, I stumbled into a situation where I was having sex with two men who knew about each other.  They were ok with it and one asked me to marry him while keeping my other boyfriend.  I'm still with both. 

Edited June 25, 2023 by couplers

[AdamGunn2 396]

6 hours ago, TeamCalgary said:

It is very interesting to see how this particular scenario presented has us all thinking about "what really defines swinging"; 

who, and under what conditions, are considered a "swinger".  One of the rather "odd" situations that we encounter 

occasionally, is the couple that gets together to engage with other couples. This "couple" could be two single folks that 

are now operating as a couple, or, as what we have occasionally seen, the adulterous "couple". Each member of this couple is cheating on their respective spouses, not only do these folks not have any "skin in the game", they are not interested in respecting the rules of the game itself. Disconcerting to say the least. We run from these "couples"; they scare they hell out of us as they throw to the wind any assumptions that swinging couples like to make when engaging with other couples. 

 

 

Team, to me it seems that it depends on what and how the 'couple' present themselves. Of course, if they are lying to their spouses, it they are cheating, yeah.

 

But, let's suppose we have two people who are dating each other, although they're not planning to take it further, who show up at a house party, for example. They admit to everyone about their situation, they're nice people who have personality. My wife and I have played with such people. I don't feel that they were 'disrespecting the rules of the game.' Were they 'swingers'? Who cares? 

[lcmim 1,082]

I do not think anyone is denigrating singles in any way.

Words do, or at least should, have a meanings.

 

Marriage is defined by a certain set of ramifications, that are just not present in committed but not married. ( This can be modified . eg. Owning a house jointly, sharing parental rights legally , having each listed as next of kin on health care forms, in some states being able to list your partner as a domestic partner for health insurance, naming each other as beneficiaries on life insurance, forming a legal partnership where each stand liable for the others debts. Drawing up health care and financial POAs. Expressly setting up rights of inheritance.)

Most committed singles do not bother with these things.

Marriage makes them so, either de jure or de facto.

 

They may be , probably are, intelligent pleasant people who are well worth knowing.

Playing with and perhaps forming a friendship with EITHER couple bears risks, in terms of both time and emotional investment on our part.

A long established , but not married , couple might be longer lasting and more stable than their married counterparts.

 We do a similar breakdown for either from what we can see while in the "getting to know you" phase.

 

What we do know from the outset is that the married couple have made a leap of faith in each other and their relationship that has real world consequences.

Whether or not that was a mistake needs to be seen.

 

For us, singles, playing together as a couple, are just that, two singles.

Often time that is just for the guy to gain admittance to a party or to share membership fees and room rates between them.

Again we have no problem with these folks. We do, however, realize that the dynamics of dealing with them is a very different thing than the first two couples.

[njbm 2,869]

Definitely different stakes for married couples than singles. Something we note well in our search. 

[Numex 2,412]

8 hours ago, couplers said:

There are two approaches: swing as a single and find someone already in the lifestyle, or date in the vanilla world and bring up your need for a non-monogamous long-term relationship early when sex is first discussed.

Daniela and I didn't begin our lifestyle adventure until after we got married, but we talked a lot about our romantic and sexual past.  She had a much more exciting and varied past, whereas I was monogamously married for 20 years.  It was interesting and fascinating to me to hear her stories about her past and sort of set the stage for getting into the lifestyle.  So long way around of saying that knowing what she had done and me being good with it was a smooth transition to our first step, hotwifing.

[The_Lizard 7]

I think destroyed relationships happen far more often than we realize because most are not brave enough to share their story, like you have, or they are so hurt by previous advice from the Internet that they avoid it altogether. I do think there are many stories of where it didn't go right that we don't see. 

Many write/say that you should only do this if you have a strong relationship. Maybe. But I also think the lifestyle can destroy strong relationships. I can be like a drug and tough to stop certain activities, even when you see that it's hurting you or your partner. 

[lcmim 1,082]

Lizard, I think you do have a point, in that , even for the strongest most well balanced marriages there is most likely SOMETHING that could cause difficulty

 

The stronger, more well balanced, marriages most likely also have a better handle on those things and have worked out a way of dealing with them before they become a serious factor.

 

I know that for us something may come up and one will look at the other and we will know what we should do at the time without saying a word.

 

We know that neither will ever do anything intentionally to hurt the other.

If we get blindsided, the first time, then we get  over it learn and move on. We have been together for a little over 40 years. The number of things that can be dealt with by a look,  has grown over the years.

 

That is part of the process of our relationship becoming stronger and more balanced.

 

Are we invulnerable? Of course not.

Confident enough in ourselves and our limits? Yes.