Profile or Picture

[ExploringOptions 185]

We took the next step by paying to explore profiles on a popular site giving us the opportunity to find those we are attracted to. 
We put in parameters of age range and distance, straight men and women then we added curious women. I am only littlest slightly curious with my curiosity happening only because of media and reading articles. If we meet a match we want them as nervous as us, cautious too. 
Searching starts with the profile picture. We couldn’t meet those that we aren’t physically attracted to even though we know this limits and will cause us to skip some great people. Intimacy without attraction defeats part of fantasy that we are just exploring, physical attraction doesn’t guarantee compatibility. We don’t even read profiles if the picture doesn’t strike us, we hope our picture attracts like searchers. We set the bar high, higher than our own profile, possibly too high, possibly making it our defense of not rushing into the unknown. 
I look for normal average, 5’10-6’2” 175-195, fit not muscular. His attraction is also fit 5’-5’7” not busty, I put his likes to small C and smaller with smaller emphasized. 
Our profile pictures are limited to smart dressed vacation picture and a bathing suit picture. 
Before meeting my husband I was on dating sights and used the same criteria in my searches when looking for love even if love wasn’t there. I often wondered if I would sleep with him before getting to know him which led to a few one timers. 
 

[ConfusedHubby 129]

Congrats on taking the step.  One thing I might comment on -- when my wife and I got started and were seeking our first experience, we also wanted others who were new to the lifestyle, believing in some way this common ground would make the first encounter more of a natural progression.

 

What we ended up with was a lot of time wasters who would get cold feet when it came time to meet.   Ultimately we opened our search to more seasoned lifestylers and this led to things actually moving along and it was less awkward being able to follow their lead.  It didn't go perfectly, but it was a good experience overall and let us know we enjoyed swinging and desired to keep doing it.

 

Good luck to you

[ExploringOptions 185]

19 minutes ago, ConfusedHubby said:

What we ended up with was a lot of time wasters who would get cold feet when it came time to meet.

That just might be us getting cold feet 😁. 
what draws us also scares us. I am trying to convince myself watching my love with another is fine, I just don’t know how I will react. I also worry how he will react. 
It has been a long time since I was with another guy and keep saying that when I do it’s just another guy. 

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

Every person, and every couple, has/have different approaches when (re)entering the dating scene (and yes, encounters are 'dates'--planned time with others). Your approach is as valid as the next. 

 

That said, " Intimacy without attraction defeats part of fantasy that we are just exploring, physical attraction doesn’t guarantee compatibility. We don’t even read profiles if the picture doesn’t strike us, we hope our picture attracts like searchers."

 

Physical attraction might begin with appearance but for most people also includes how people present themselves, carry themselves, look after themselves. Profiles (and their photos) are a calling card, an opportunity to make a first impression. That first impression may or may not be borne out. We have met couples whose profile photos are 10 years old and bear little resemblance to current size, shape, appearance. We have also met handsome and fit couples who choose to obscure their appearance on profiles precisely because they think compatibility and interest lie begins with "who they are" and not what they look like. 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

There's a number of interesting points raised here. Physical attraction is important, but so is attraction in a number of other ways. It's really what you need and want that is important. Your stated criteria might be limiting, but it might not limit your opportunities. I think that depends on where you live/play. If you're in the middle of nowhere, with the first sizable (say, over 100k) town being three hours away, your criteria may result in nothing. If you live in a major city, your criteria might yield a thousand potential matches. As with anything, it's a balance to get to what you want. I don't see anything problematic with your approach, so long as it gets you the result you want.

 

 

3 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

...I am trying to convince myself watching my love with another is fine, I just don’t know how I will react. I also worry how he will react. 
It has been a long time since I was with another guy and keep saying that when I do it’s just another guy. 

Obviously you won't know until you try. But in anticipation of that, you and you husband can consider different scenarios, think out different questions, and go deep into you desires and fantasies. If you do thin in AND out of the bedroom, it will help you along the way to understand yourselves better before actually playing with another couple.

 

I had no idea if I would like seeing my wife have sex with someone else. When I was ~20, I was a pretty jealous person, to the point that I was bothered by my then girlfriend seeing a male gynecologist! Over the years since then, I've learned what a negative emotion jealousy really is; it's 99% bad and 1% good. Once we got into swinging, I didn't dislike or really enjoy my wife having sex with others until our third time. That time, she couldn't get enough of the guy she was having sex with. She had an absolutely amazing time, and the delicious sounds coming from her were glorious. I found it intensely erotic, and have in the many years since then always enjoyed watching her having sex when she clearly was having a good time. I used to ponder the "why" of it. I can't figure out "why". I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago. It's like, you're not supposed to enjoy it but ...wow! For my wife, she's ambivalent about me having sex with other women. She's happy for me that I am, and encourages it, but she doesn't get anything negative or positive from it.

 

It could be that you will find it very arousing to see your husband having sex with another woman. You might have an emotionally negative reaction while having an intellectually positive reaction. Some couples are like that; they are happy to have their spouses have sex with someone else, but they don't want to see it. So, they play separate room. You might find you don't like it at all. It's hard to know. The same goes for your husband. If you're otherwise comfortable with the notion of swinging, I would encourage you to give it a try, but...make sure you and your husband are on the same page in that it's an experiment you are doing together. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it works for one and not the other, it doesn't work. You're together. It's a shared experience. It's ok if it doesn't work.

Let us know how it all goes, whether you end up playing or not!

[lcmim 1,086]

I guess we are the odd ones. We only look at the pictures when we have already decided to meet up. For us the profile is the standard.

 

Sapiosexual is the term that I think Fundamemtallaw once applied to were we are coming from.

 

Once we are interested we open a few pics just so the other folks can pic us out of a crowd. Before we meet we do look at theirs for the same purpose.

 

The meeting then decides if there is a future in it.

 

A good deal of the time it is only a pleasant meal, which we do not consider a waste of our time or money. We think of it as networking.

[cplnluv1 874]

We met many first time swingers with cold feet and never faulted anyone for backing out. I always figured that a newbie will be nervous and ask many times before starting anything they will regret. 
Be careful as it’s not easy to stop, the others have to know when to stop. Hesitation is normal, you are doing the right thing talking and searching together. All you can do is pray the other party has discussed it too. We have met those where the male has made the decisions with the female only going along to satisfy her partners fantasy. 
Your original title asks about looking at photos and profiles, we are attracted to what attracts us. Our first filled the looks department, we even ended up with a well endowed male, don’t ask why, I swear it was Alan not me that noticed, he still says I saw it first. Believe me, don’t make an issue of that, look up not down. 
We also met curious women, curious not bi, they don’t all explore. Again don’t pressure and don’t be pressured. 
You implied you are younger, again a warning not all profiles are truthful, not all photos are current. I’m not sure how many are really in the 20s-early 30s more likely you will be contacted by those over 40. 
Being younger is a big positive if you decide that the lifestyle is for you, unfortunately our bodies age. The men in our current circle fortunately are up to the challenge for the most part, meds might be helping. The women have different challenges which making friends going through the same changes has been helpful. I haven’t had some of symptoms even if I know I’ve had others. If you are as young as I think you have years before you will notice. 
You are getting some good advice by some seasoned lifestylers, I hope I can help too, feel free to PM us. No, we aren’t looking anymore, our advice is us paying forward the advice we received. 
Good Luck and have fun, and be safe with your information. 

[MidwestHoneys 359]

Searching on line the picture leads to the profile. Not attracted to the picture you aren’t going to bother reading on. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We actually read the profile before becoming too wrapped up in the pictures. We are looking for people who mesh with our thinking/beliefs. We have also come to find out that pictures lie...both ways. Some are OLD pictures that show what a couple looked like 10+ years ago and not at all how they look now. Some pictures just don't convey the fun personality of the people pictured. That's why we read the profile, see if they sound like someone we would enjoy getting to know, and try to set up meeting them (with meeting them as the only object...play not being on the table for the first meeting). We all then get the chance to talk and see if there is a connection, then decide (after the meeting is over) if we are interested in getting together again.

 

If all you are looking for is a one-and-done, then base things on the picture. If you are looking for more of a FWB (like we are), then you need to start with compatibility and spark and the picture(s) should be secondary. You never know what you might miss...

[ConfusedHubby 129]

On 7/3/2023 at 3:21 PM, cplnluv1 said:

We met many first time swingers with cold feet and never faulted anyone for backing out. I always figured that a newbie will be nervous and ask many times before starting anything they will regret. 

This is probably true when a couple speaks to you honestly and respects your time.  It's a lot less acceptable when they come up with lame excuses, ghost out of nowhere or cancel last minute when you've re-arranged a very busy schedule and secured child care... 

 

Seasoned swingers can be flakey enough, first timers can be particularly frustrating.