What are Your Reasons for Swinging?

[skeghed 15]

In talking with a few friends of ours who have tried swinging - and also looking at several websites, message boards, etc. - I have some questions to pose.

 

We were talking about how swinging was brought up, what were the person who initiated the conversation's reasons for wanting to swing, the initial reaction of the s.o. to the request, etc.

 

Overwhelmingly, it was the male that brought up swinging and that "pushed" for making it a reality. It turns out that a good portion (I would say a fair majority) of the wives were not interested in taking the fantasy any further than fantasizing until the husband pushed further.

 

The husbands gave several reasons why they wanted to swing....to spice up their sex lives, to explore the couple's sexuality, to keep from cheating (or being tempted to), to explore the wife's bisexual curiosity, to satisfy their fantasy(s). Almost ALWAYS they said they did it for their wife's sake. A big majority of the wives said they felt pressured into swinging and that they feared the husband would either leave them or have affairs if they didn't comply with his request. HOWEVER - after really discussing it between ourselves (us and the several couples) it seemed to point to the fact that

 

1. The initiator of the conversation suggested swinging for their reasons (wanted some strange, fulfil their fantasy, etc.)

2. The s/o that felt pushed into it generally did not enjoy the first several encounters with their partner enjoying someone else (if ever)

3. The s/o felt intimidated and a sort of rejection when their feelings were not taken seriously or were derided.

4. The s/o usually enjoyed threesomes with the opposite sex and handled their partner with the s/o's same sex much better when threesomes were what the experience started with.

5. Most of the time, rules were pushed by the initiators that pushed the hardest to start swinging in the first place (meaning those that really pestered the s/o and wouldn't take Fuck you! for an answer)

6. Once the s/o overcame their misgivings, they enjoyed swinging more than the initiator.

7. Those that split up and/or quit the lifestyle found that the initiator was unwilling to share control with the s/o (as far as frequency, initiating contact, changing rules, location, etc.)

 

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

[skeghed 15]

By the way....here are my answers

 

1. Husband initiated.

2. Gave several reasons...fulfilling our fantasies, didn't want us to cheat, exploration.

3. Well, mostly....It was mostly for his fantasy fulfillment as I had done a lot of experimenting prior to us meeting - and neither one of us would ever cheat (be tempted, maybe for a sec - but not actually do it).

4. My initial reaction (for several years) was that I did not want to take our fantasies any further.

5. We started out with several threesomes (mmf) - we have tried a few couples.

6. We both enjoyed the threesomes very much...so far we apparently haven't found the right couple, because we haven't had very good experiences with them so far.

7. Mmmmm, well this is something we are still working on....he still insists on initiating contact, deciding times, frequency and location - and I haven't gotten to pick a partner yet...but we both have to agree to go before we go...and we have both done our share of vetoes - so I guess we still get a "D+" as far as this goes.

8. Well, he has learned that surprises are not my thing, and I have learned that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - that I could actually enjoy it. We still have some issues to work out, but we can take it day by day as far as those issues go.

 

WOW! Tired hands going to take a needed rest after these long-ass posts of mine!

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

1. Who initiated the conversation ?

 

I did, (male), during the very beginning of our relationship to see her reaction. She was not shocked or nauseated but interested in finding out more details. It took a couple of years to do anything and the first few encounters were not too good because I was trying to relive a past lifestyle instead of creating a new one.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

Mutual sexual exploration to expand our experiences and have really unusual and fun memories and fantasy fulfillment.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

It was a mutual fantasy. She had planned on keeping it in the fantasy land but after considerable discussion decided to make fantasy a reality.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

Apprehensive, but wanting more information.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

We both enjoyed our first MMF but had problems when other females came into the pic. Other females are still on a very limited basis.

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

I let her control it basically. She goes slower than I do so I would be pushy if I pressured for more activity. I don't mind the infrequency of our playtime though. Its still fun even if you do it once or twice a year.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

I have learned a lot about my s/o. Discussing sharing such intimacy forced us to really discuss issues such as trust and honesty. I have never trusted anyone as much as I do Tam. She says she feels the same about me. I honestly feel that swinging has been an asset to our communication skills and opened doors that would have never been seen without it. We also learned a lot about each others limits, pleasures, fantasies, as well as love making preferences. John.

[md_hot_cpl 15]

1. Who initiated the conversation? He did

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

To explore our fantasies

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Yes!!!! totally honest, after discussing this over and over it is what WE want to do!!!

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? Very interested... wow!! now I can live out my dreams

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) MMF

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? We had the best sex afterwards...

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? I have all control, I make all contacts, I decide on when and where and whom.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? NO!!! I want more.

 

Sam (the wife)

[incommunicado 228]

1. Who initiated the conversation? Me, the husband.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

I was the old fashioned one, she was the "bohemian". I had been hurt by cheating ex lovers, she pledged her devotion and painlessly gave up her sexually open lifestyle to commit to me. I could think of no greater gift to repay her than to give up my jealousy/insecurity by sharing her with another man.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Yes, the motivation was/is truthful. I also thought it was uncool and, typically male, to suggest a threesome, but only have it be MFF.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? She was totally appreciative of the sentiment and totally into being pleasured by two men. Also, she said the person (male/female) was irrelevant to her, so long as we were sharing together.

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) Soft swing with a little FF crossover.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? Her: Totally turned on and horny. Me: The same, plus totally senory overload (I was the prude).

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? Well, we are still new to it, having just had a foursome where my wife had sex with the other man. We sort of shared in the planning and then worked together as a team during the activities.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? Her: No. She's always been open. Me: Totally changed my perspective on the weight that sex should have as a controlling factor in a relationship.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

quote:

---

Originally posted by incommunicado:

1. Who initiated the conversation?

Me, the husband.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

I was the old fashioned one, she was the "bohemian". I had been hurt by cheating ex lovers, she pledged her devotion and painlessly gave up her sexually open lifestyle to commit to me. I could think of no greater gift to repay her than to give up my jealousy/insecurity by sharing her with another man.

---

Your story sounds much like ours. I was the very sexually active one prior to our marriage. I had cheated on most guys I'd ever been with (including him when we were together several years previous). When we got back together and decided to get married I told him about everything.

 

In deciding to get married I decided to give all of that up and to be with no one but him for the rest of our lives.

 

He asked about my previous sexual encounters and the things I had done and I told him. Hearing these things turned him on. He had had one swinging experience with another couple while we weren't together and had a subscription to a swinger mag so that was probably where it initially came up but it was never really discussed seriously until another couple found us online and brought up the subject. Even then it wasn't something we were ready to really try. But the discussions really opened at that point and things just went from there. Our first experience was a soft-swing (same room sex) with that same couple he had played with as a single. That was followed by an encounter with me and one of our single male friends before we finally had our first couple swap.

 

For the questions that didn't answer. He handles pretty much all of the arrangements, when it comes to meeting others. But as I've said in other places we also both swing on our own. When it comes to personal ads and stuff I get frustrated easily with people so he handles that.

 

And I never had any misgivings and still don't

[babydragon 16]

1. Who initiated the conversation? Me the WIFE LOL wow what a change.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing? I have a very vivid imagination and until now my partner catered for all of them, until we both had silly little flings, I found that I was turned on by the thought of him with another woman and I had always been bi-curious so everything went from there.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Nope at first he was shocked at my idea but after explaining it all he has come round to the idea and I kinda think he's secretly looking forward to it lol.

 

Sorry but I cant answer any more cause we will be meeting our first couple this weekend.

 

I know your wondering why I have posted this reply when we haven't "done it yet" but I felt it was time to show that it is not always the man who starts a couple down this fun road.

[sportync 20]

Actually, the first time we shared our bed with someone else was when my wife suprised me one night by asking a female friend to join us. Mes. Sporty knew of my fantasy to try 2 women at the same time, and was comfortable enough in our love to give it a try. Quite a few years later, we got together with our first couple...first for same-room soft-swing, then for same-room full- swap. My reasons are pretty simple...I've had two heart-attacks, and realize that if there's something I want to do before I die, then I'd better get off my ass and stop just thinking about it! I understand that love-making and screwing aren't necessarily the same thing, and that God created many, many beautiful women, my sweet wife being among the most beautiful I have ever known. Watching her enjoy the pleasure another man is giving her is to see her at her sexiest. Being able to share that sexuality with others is a real turn-on, as is enjoying the delights of other sexy ladies. For some unknown reason, my most vivid fantasies revolve around a group setting, and have for many, many years. Luckily, I have been blessed with a soul-mate that understands this aspect of my psyche, and does what she can to help turn my fantasies into real-life experiences. Sportync

[BradAndJanet 70]

I thought I'd bump this back up again, as we have had a lot of new members since October, and besides, we never answered them

 

Quote

Originally posted by skeghed

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

 

1) I (Brad) was the one who first brought up the idea of swinging. I don't think J had any idea that it really existed before she saw this board.

 

2) Because she had, for many years, expressed interest in having two men in her bed. There was one friend in particular, in fact that we did try to entice. But, to her dismay and mine, it did not happen.

 

3) Yes, I believe that we have been honest with each other and J agrees. I think that this is a particularly important point to consider. If you can't be honest with each other about why you're doing this, you are bound to have troubles.

 

4) She thought it was an interesting proposition. She is usually up for new things and says, "I'll try anything once, and the good things twice!" What a gal! I love her dearly.

 

7) We go at the pace of the slowest person. We both have control that way.

 

? We'll take it slower and make sure we know what we're getting into, who we're getting into it with, why we're getting into it and how to get out of it. We're both still interested in going forward and we will when we get a few things taken care of. Overall I wouldn't say our attitudes have changed much at all; we'll just be a little smarter next time.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by skeghed

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

Thanks Brad from bringing this topic back up. I missed it somehow on the first go round and it asks some very good questions.

 

Our answers are:

 

1.) We are at a toss up on this one as I think he began planting the seed several years before we really started looking at making it a reality. I think I may have initiated the original conversation, but not the one who planted the idea.

 

2.) To explore the female bi-sexuality side.

 

3.) The reasons were totally honest and a desire on both of our parts.

 

4.) There was no reaction of shock as we had fantasized about it for several years prior. It was more of a discussion on how to go about making it a reality.

 

5.) Unable to find a single female (our original starting point) we met with a couple which had a bi-female and experienced many combinations FF, MFMF, MFM. Our first couple were experienced swingers and took the lead.

 

6.) The ride home was rather silent. The next few weeks were spent talking about it, insuring that neither of us felt jealousy or guilt. We probably over talked it some, but it was necessary for us to both feel comfortable. Our first experience was an overall success.

 

7.) Our policy is one that if one of us says "no" we do it with no questions asked. (If it is in the heat of the moment). We never discuss anything publicly and have signals that say to each other that we either do or do not have a desire to continue persuing a relationship with another couple/person. When we are alone, we will discuss in detail our reasons for how we feel.

 

8.) We have certainly made our fair share of mistakes. Fortunately we have learned by them and not hurt by them. I can't stress enough how important it is to read and ask questions throughout the board. Especially if you are new. One of our misgivings would be that we didn't take everything as slowly as is suggested when you are new, regardless of the maturity of your relationship with your significant other. Hindsight is 20/20. We have made/broken and changed more rules and adjusted our boundries so many times that we have lost count. I suppose it is all part of the learning process.

 

Lori

[Brit_Pair 62]

Quote

Originally posted by skeghed

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

1. Yep, conforming to the findings, it was a male-introduced subject, but after a revelatory confession from her.

 

2. To provide an opportunity for her to explore her bi-curiousity.

 

3. Honest, honest, honest. It was something we both wanted to see happen.

 

4. It was a very slow-burning issue, from the initial formation of the fantasy to the decision to make it a reality. Hence, there was no real surprise or any other sudden emotion.

 

5. We started out with a similarly inexperienced couple who also wanted an opportunity for the female partner to explore her bi-curiousity. The first couple of meetings were FF with the men watching, and then joining in with their own partners. Later, the women began playing with each other and their own partners in a simultaneous four-way MFFM melée.

 

6. Surprised at our daring. Exhilarated by what we had seen and done.

 

7. We talk in detail about the things we want and don't want to happen during a meeting in the lead-up to it. We always stay with the slowest common denominator. Afterwards, we discuss what happened, what we particularly enjoyed, what we didn't, and where we might go next.

 

8. We are becoming more relaxed about increased involvement with the other opposite sex partners. This may lead to harder varieties of swinging, but who knows. For all the planning, we like to leave room for a little spontaneity.

[Handyman69 15]

Well...here are our answers

 

1) Hubby....but when I flatly said no..he dropped it and about a 1 1/2 yrs later..I was the one that brought it up again.

 

2) Get out of the routine sex. To bring excitement back into the bedroom.

 

3) Probably a little from both. Guess we both wanted to explore new things.

 

4) As stated..I was totally against but I was also the one to reinitiate things.

 

5) Actually..we jumped right in to full swap. Not saying it was the best thing to do but we had discussed things from top to bottom and so went for the gusto.

 

6) Both of us enjoyed the experience but Hubby had some problems with performance. Did it sway us..no just knew that he needed to be less nervous in the future.

 

7)We too always talk..before and after. We also go with the slowest player. Have learned that everyone needs to be comfortable or problems arise. Keeping control is key.

 

? Have learned and are still learning. But continue to enjoy the variety and excitement that we have found. Yes..mistakes have been made but isn't that being human?

[Candy&Cane 16]

Just a question out of curiousity, but also because our reasons are slightly different. He's curious about sex with other women, and I really hang on to the 'theory'; I believe it's the fairest and most open kind of relationship; we love eachother so why those oldfashioned rules to tie eachother down? As for the sexual part, I don't really care. At this moment I'm perfectly happy to have sex with only my BF. This differnce has a lot to do with our difference in experiences. My BF 'had none' before he met me, and I... wel, I'd seen a lot, so to speak, so I'm not that curious . I'm wandering if this difference can turn out to be a problem.

 

What were your primary reasons for getting into the 'Swinger Lifestyle'? And are these reasons the same as your partners reasons?

 

Thanx

[akamgaxoxo 25]

We chose to get into the lifestyle to fulfill a fantasy. I would not have ventured into this lifestyle at all with out the full blessing and interest from my hubby. I wanted him to enjoy seeing me with another M as much as I wanted to have that sexual experience with another M. I think it is safe for me to say that we both had the same fantasy and overall just want to be pleased and sexually satisfied when the nite is though!

[duwannaball 16]

I'm really interested to read the responses to this question being in the same type of situation. Because of the difference in our # of partners, he is more curious and I am perfectly satisfied with just him. I have told him he could go play solo since I had no desire in being with another man. It's reassuring to see someone else with the same questions.

[EvilMJ 65]

My hubby and I have only had one swing experiance (since we were married). However we both have some interesting pasts as far as sexual experiences, and both seem to be very open concerning sex. The reason we decided to look into the lifestyle was for a little bit of variety. We love each other very much and have a wonderful marriage, but I wanted to do something to keep the spark lit for us, and strangely enough it did help.

 

I am definately not his first, and he is definately not mine, we just like to have fun, and it gives us both a chance to live out some of our fantasies.

 

And it was something we both agreed to after a lot of talk, and we were both comfortable with (which I think is necessary!!)

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

3 simple letters sum it up for us: FUN

[jim-n-nicole 15]

Fun, to create some great stories we can whisper to each other as we make love, and to ensure we don't end up in a rest home thinking "you know, I should've done wilder things when I was younger!".

 

We haven't analyzed it a whole lot. We just agree that when it stops being fun for either of us, we will eliminate it from our life. But for now, we really enjoy it.

 

Jim.

 

you only live once. and if you do it right, once is enough!!!

[mrsbandsatl 15]

I agree - it's FUN. When we first started out we analyzed it quite a bit and then realized we were doing the analyzing too much!

 

If it stops being fun, or he becomes the only old man I want to see naked - or I become the only old lady he wants to see naked, then it will be time to stop!

[DavidandJess 15]

We're interested in swinging because it's something neither one of us have done..... it's been a fantasy of his to see me with another woman and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the thought of him being with another female, too! I'm quite a bit more experienced than he is as well, and this is something we can share that is a totally new experience for both of us.... just the talking about it and reading about it, then talking about what we've read is enough to get us excited....

[duwannaball 16]

One of the reasons we are interested in swinging is because of my desire to gain more experience with other women and sow my oats. The other reason is it looks like a whole lot of fun and Mrs. Duwannaball is a little bi-curious.

 

She did say I could go solo because she is not sure she would enjoy watching me with another women. I explained to her we should try it together first, and if it doesn't work than maybe solo, but I'm afraid it might create resentment. So we are planing to go to either go to a club for her birthday in Oct. or go to the Reno meet-up.

 

Brings up an interesting question, do you think it's possible to sow my oats with my wife, or will I have to go solo? Any advice will be appreciated.

[good times 991]

duwannaball said:

So we are planing to go to either go to a club for her birthday in Oct. or go to the Reno meet-up. Butch

 

Hi.

You can do both if you would like, the Reno meet up is on Saturday night. If you get into town on Friday we will be going to the couples party at the Riviera Lounge Friday night and would be happy to introduce you around.

[WesternSwing 504]

We got into it mostly for Mrs. WS to explore her sexuality. Although she had lovers before me, she was raised in a very religious household so the sex was pretty vanilla. I on the other hand was raised in a very open household and sex has never been vanilla. With me she started shedding some of those conservative feelings about sex and how it's done. In the year before we got into the lifestyle we had discussed fantasies of adding another person or couple to our sex life, but that was all it really was. Then one night at a rather wild and half-naked party she kissed a girl and here we are today! She kind of found where she "fit", and it wasn't the uber-conservative, guilt-ridden life she grew-up in. So things rather naturally progressed into it. Swinging found us more than we pursued swinging.

[Candy&Cane 16]

Thank you all! It's pretty clear now it's all about the fun and living out a fantasy.. (but if it's for the fantasy, why the lifestyle?)

 

But now it's a bit hard to really explain my thoughts in a different language.. So if I seem a bit harsh, I'm sorry...

 

I don't really understand how 'fun' can be the primary reason.. It's a risky big step to go swinging, and nearly all of you found that the fun was more important than the risks involved (that's what I read in it)? Isn't it primarily to keep growing, as individuals, and also the growth of the relationship. (I really need dutch words here, sorry ). Whats the deeper reason?-it can't be 'just fun'?

 

So many couples want to have fun, and share fantasies, but what was the reason to really go for it? For instance, take a couple I know; He had a great longing for being dominated.. his wife could do it to so far, but only soft. She felt she was holding him back; she couldn't fulfill his longings, so they decided to swing. I have the same feeling (although different); I dont want to hold him back, think it's not fair that I've had so many experiences with different people, and he 'only' had me..(well, ONLY is a lot already.. ). I have very submissive feelings, so swinging can also be an answer for me..

Still, it's risky, but I'm hanging on, as I believe in our (very important) communicative skills, and love for each other. I'm going for it, because I believe our relationship will grow only stronger, and the both of us even happier (yes, on the long run because of the fun too;))..

 

the female part -again-; Jess

-proofreading by the male part;)

[good times 991]

Whats the deeper reason?-it can't be 'just fun'?

 

Sure it can, let me give you an unrelated example. I love to fly aerobatics, but flying an airplane upside down within inches of the ground is dangerous, in fact, I've lost several good friends that made an error and hit the ground resulting in their death. But flying aerobatics is the most fun you can have with your clothes on, in my opinion, so I do it anyway.

 

Back to the topic of this post, sex is the most fun we can have with our clothes off, sex with my wife is a lot of fun, so adding sex with others and fulfilling some fantasies is even more fun to us. I, for one, don't have any deeper reasons.

[tazzie_n_truck 17]

For us we would have to say the reasons we got into swinging was for a couple reasons.

 

1. Some friends of ours who are swingers got us interested in it.

2. Our sex life was hitting a dull patch where it seemed to get routine and sex wasn't as exciting as it had been and we needed something to spice things up.

3. It was our chance to act out on some fantasies of ours.

4. Most importantly we wanted to have FUN!!!

[519Couple 15]

I'm not sure "fun" is the right word, for us at least.

 

Sex is a wonderful, sensuous, life-affirming experience, and the sex we have together is terrific. But there are something like 5 billion other people in the world with different personalities, body types, ideas, etc. Why chose to limit your potential sexual experiences to being with just one other person when there are so many other people our there who might turn you on in new and deliciously exciting ways? Wasn't there a line from a movie that goes something like "why stick to just vanilla when there is chocolate, strawberry, fudge ripple, and so many other different flavours to choose from"?

 

That's the appeal for us.

[cpl4playmass 31]

For us it was the expansion of our sexual selves, and FUN!! We knew we had to work through the emotional part of doing this first though.

 

Since Jealousy and insecurity are two top ten issues for couples, we knew they could come up. We actually got through it quite well. After having a dozen or so encounters now and a year to absorb it all, we are closer, more loving, and more sexual!!

[Candy&Cane 16]

Thank you so much for all your replies .. We find it very interesting, and useful in some way!

[duwannaball 16]

good times said:

 

You can do both if you would like, the Reno meet up is on Saturday night. If you get into town on Friday we will be going to the couples party at the Riviera Lounge Friday night and would be happy to introduce you around.

 

Thanks for the invitation, we'd love that! We've been debating going or not. I think this puts us more in the going category. We'll get more details later. You and Mrs. would be one reason I could think of to start swinging.

[PAyoungCPL 17]

Our reasons where

1 Lifes to short, why not have some fun.

2. live out fantisies that we thought would never be more than a fantisy.

3. We belive there is a big differance between making love and sex.

4. It only seemed natural, we loved each other but still had the desire to experance new partners.

5. I think we where both born nypos.

[robnbarb 40]

When I first suggested the idea, my wife thought it might have been that she wasn't prtty enough. I explained that it was about fantasy and that if she did not want to, I would be ok. I did tell her I was disappointed, but my life didn't depend on it, which is true, I would not want to lose her over something this trivial. Anyway I am not sure what happened next but we kept talking, and then she said let's at least screane some potentails. While not a yes, definatly not a no so here we are (and why I am the only one typing at this point).

 

But the reason is to fullfill fantasy. Sorry to take the long way around to answer that.

[intuition897 2,179]

This is an inactive thread, but I thought I'd throw our opinion out there, too.

 

My own personal opinion (Mr. can speak for himself) is that if you feel a need to do this because there is something - anything! - lacking in your relationship, you should be working on that instead of thinking of swinging.

 

Why do we do it?

Because we can. Because as someone said before, I don't want to be on my deathbed regretting anything I've done in my life. Because this is the most honest way we can live our lives: freely admitting the things that most other couples hide from one another in shame (that we are in fact attracted to people other than one another). What do we love most about it? I love feeling like I've set a kid loose in a candy store and sharing that kind joy with him. I love the idea that sex is being put in its place, and not being used in our relationship like a bargaining chip or a threat of some sort ("If I don't lose weight he'll become more attracted to someone else and he'll have sex with her and forget all about me", "I'll show him. I'll make a point of NOT enjoying myself", "She'd better toe the line or I'll threaten to have sex with another woman", etc.). Sex can no longer dictate the success or destruction of our marriage. We've taken away it's power to do that, not by devaluing sex, but by devaluing relationship-exclusive sex. You can't lose what you don't have. And no one can steal away what is being freely given. It's like a thief breaking into your house and finding someone there helping him load his bag with the silverware and jewels. Then he's given a kiss on the cheek and told to "have a great evening, and drive carefully!"

 

What it comes down to is that there are no 'moving parts' in our relationship, no bells and whistles, no extra high-maintenance components to wear out or break. We've trimmed it down to it's purest most fundamental form, where we give each other the opportunity to choose, once again, who he or she wants to spend his or her life with. Nothing holds us one to the other aside from personal choice, and when you know that when your partner has been given absolute freedom to choose - and he chooses you - you have something very rare and wonderful. And you never want to let go of it.

 

And yeah, it's a hell of a lot of fun.

[tease6977 15]

Hello, new here and wanting to talk to hubby about it, just not sure how to go about getting him to understand why/how it would help our relationship.

 

So what are your reasons for wanting to swing?

 

Now hubby and I have talked about it some, but just not sure how to make it sound like I want to do this together for the both of us, and not just for me.

 

All comments are welcome, thanks!

[bear_and_babe 68]

Welcome to the board.

 

There are many reasons a couple has for getting into the lifestyle. Bear and I got interested in the lifestyle because our good friends were swingers. We did not know anything about it and wanted to understand the lifestyle so in the process of doing research we starting thinking about what it might do for us. Bear and I have been married for over 20 years, and both of us had only 1 partner before we got married. So we both felt that we sort of missed out on some sexual experiences. We started swinging so that we could experience some different things within our marriage, and not end up looking for things outside of our marriage.

[pairbond 19]

Tease, there are MANY reasons why people swing. Among them are just plain curiousity, a desire to not miss out on experiences, the desire to live out some sexual fantasies, the desire for variety in sizes, shapes, & colors of sexual partners, the desire to experience how OTHER PEOPLE have sex, and the desire to experience things that two people just can't do without adding others to the mix, such as threesomes, double penetrations, having sex with more than one person in the same evening, and even gangbangs.

 

Swinging most definitely improves the communication between a couple, and increases their honesty and openness with each other about their sexual interests and experiences. As a result, swinging becomes an exciting, SHARED experience, whether you are together in the same room where you can see each other having sex with someone else or just tell each other about your experiences afterward. It jumpstarts your libidos to higher levels than ever before, so that you and your spouse are having more frequent sex at home together. You try out new "tricks" together that you learned from having sex with a different partner.

 

And the friendships you develop are wonderful. It's so neat to have friends whom you can greet (in the privacy of your or their home) with a tongue kiss and feel them up! It just feels so LIBERATING!!!

 

Swinging isn't for everyone. Couples should always move into it only at the pace of the slower of the two of you so that you can BOTH become comfortable with it.

 

Finally, one of the biggest fears of a hesitant spouse is that you will discover that you like sex MORE with someone else than with your spouse. That just doesn't ever happen, in our experience. Spouses just know each other so well, and know exactly what to do and in what sequence to turn each other on the most. Once in a while sex with others can be AS GOOD as at home, but never better. However, the open flirting, kissing, feeling, and sex with a new partner DOES increase excitement levels, and that carries over into your own sex life at home.

 

Don't push your hubby. Just keep talking and be sure to reassure him that it's about EXCITEMENT and VARIETY, not about LOVE for anyone else or about disappointment with him in any way.

[latinloverfromM 15]

reasons for swinging

 

I am writing this from Mexico and my english is not very good, but I will try to explain some of my ideas:

 

A lot of people in the world (and I think the most are married people) is trying to find answers to questions, but unfortunately for them have not answers, and I think the main problem for people is:cultural backup, what mean that?, for example I have an university degree, and I like biology sciences, History, sciences, politics, etc.

 

in Biology you learn that human beings have been the same for 100,000 years or more, that we are primitive- mind yet, we are modern only because we have high technology dressing and cell-phones, but our behavior is the same as long time ago, we are trying to have the old system of all the woman for all the man, that maybe sound not so good for some people, because the Religion, God and all that stuff are the basics in their vision of life, but sciences is not Gospel or Bible, and anything in science is subject of testing. When you try to explain some issue that need school training, is more easy to find some "true" or relative true, with people trained in the subject.

 

the invention of married couples is new for Mankind, (two thousand years) and the main reason for that "invention" is economical, but I will not explain this because is very sensitive (and more in U.S.A) but I only can say that is not natural for humans, we have lost our main old right, liberty in sexual relationships.

 

I have a lot of ideas about why I like swinging, but I think I am very good explaining them in Spanish. thanks, your friend juan A.

[janaandjames 24]

1. Who initiated the conversation?

 

The male did, he had been interested for a long time. We both had an affair on the other at about the same time, and he took this an an opportunity to explore swinging. So our reasons to start were not good, but it worked out.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?]

Exploring our sexuality, being more honest with each other .. sort of "legal" cheating

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

 

They were. But strangely maybe ? neither of us were particularly jealous about each other.

 

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

 

Was still dealing with the affair thing, .. the reaction was surprise .. "No" was first response, but curious.

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

 

Threesome MfM

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

 

We both felt good, better than we thought we would. SHe felt she had discovered a whole new world, ..

 

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

 

Pretty much take turns .. but Male usually sets things up, wife likes for him to set up threesomes.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

 

oh yea, She has gone from someone who did sex when she had to, out of duty or whateve, to a woman who loves sex and cant get enouth

His have not changed so much, but he is happy to have a much more sexuallycharged marriage.

[willyoats 324]

1. Who initiated the conversation?

Husband

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

He did not want to go to his grave having had sex with only one partner. Opportunities for discreet affair were non-existent. She had had one affair previously which he was OK with. His aggressiveness was marginal and he wanted her to have opportunity for some more animal-like encounters, which she wanted.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

Completely honest and open.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

“Let’s do it!”

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

With private encounter wit owners a great swing club.

Second encounter was in a different swing club where 5 guys gave her a great massage in the hot tub.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

Absolutely marvelous. We continued for many years and almost always had a great time.

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

Don’t know what you are asking, as “control” has never come up.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

Our sex life became almost perfect after he loosed up wish other women and could then satisfy the wife.

 

After menopause, she was no longer interested in anybody but me. I still interact, in soft swing way, with female friends and sometimes also with new acquaintances.

[LFM2 1,482]

1. Who initiated the conversation?

He did... Right during the middle of some of the best sex we've ever had. Probably because he was thinking of swinging at the time. (sorry, honey!)

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

He told me that he's always fantasized about seeing me with another man. He's always had fantasies of seeing me with another woman.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

Yes, I believe he was sincere about it when he told me.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

When he first told me during sex, I admit I was stunned. It pretty much blew any chance of an orgasm that was going to happen. I admit that when he went off to work Monday morning, I googled just about everything I could find on swinging (which led me to here!) and I researched the hell outta everything I could read.

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

With another couple. It was like a small orgy if you will. All four of us were very much involved with everything that happened. We had also decided that we weren't much of a soft swing couple. We wanted to trade partners.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

I know we were both pretty happy. Satisfied. We had an amazing night of fun.

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

We share it equally. We only answer emails when we're together and we decide together whom we'd like to meet for dinner and maybe more.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

Our "rules" list has changed about a million times. Our attitudes have stayed pretty optimistic and we're definitely Lookin' For More!

[rpu3 630]

1. Who initiated the conversation?

I did (female half)

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

Told him that I thought it was a interesting concept, because I was 'married not buried' and that I couldn't believe that we were meant to go through life only having sex with each other, as good as it was.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

Yes. But in time, it also became a turn-on as much as anything.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

I think he was quite surprised. Took a bit for him to think that one out!

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

With another couple.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

I had a good time. My husband did not. We did not choose to repeat, and the wife of the other couple went a bit over the top about the decision. We chose not to swing for a few months to think it out why we were doing this.

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

We share it equally. No one is forced or talked into anything. If one believes that a person/couple seems good, and the other one does not, we do have veto rights, as long as we talk about it.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

Attitudes and the misgivings are usually evolving... the good thing is that our attitude towards the misgivings is pretty matter-of-fact and we evaluate, accept, incorporate and move on.

[Tia Vampire 167]

I love sex, but my man seem to have a energizer battery inside him. So to make him happy and take some of the pressure off of me, I told him i'm willing to let him have another play mate.He says he don't want to seem unsensitive, so i was allowed one too. I'm good with just him but if i can have my cake and eat it too, who's complaining.lol

[BiBootie 18]

1. Who initiated the conversation? I went to my first party with a guy I met at a meet-n-greet for a Yahoo group. It wasn't a swingers group but somehow the topic of parties came up and we discovered we were both members of a few of THOSE yahoo groups as well. LOL We exchanged numbers and decided to go to our first party together.

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing? None given, but I'm a people person and I'm very sexual. I thought a party would be an ideal situation for me.

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) I guess we were both equally excited about going, as we had no attachment at all to each other.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? N/A

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) Full tilt everything!

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? I don't recall that he got much action that night. I think he was intimidated by some of the other men. I had a GREAT time and made plans with new friends to attend my next party as soon as possible.

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? N/A

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? N/A I can't say I've had a change of attitude or any misgivings. Though I did have a few experiences that I didn't much care for. Nothing serious though.

 

At my first party, the number of guys who wanted a turn was a bit overwhelming. LOL My subsequent events were better though. I guess I was no longer fresh meat. LOL

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

 

Time (6 years) and a new husband and my answers have changed....

 

I initiated the conversation. I really had no choice whether we chose to swing or not he had to at least be ok with the lifestyle and the fact that I run this site.

 

My reasons at that point were not so much that I wanted to swing, although I was open to it should he be. Why would I want it? Because I simply could not guarantee them that I would never want to be with someone else. I'm bi and I knew at the very least that desire would come out again at some point, but beyond that, I've just never been good at monogamy.

 

Yes. those reasons were honest.

 

His initial reaction was surprise but luckily he was very open-minded and took it all in. He knew that I was not pushing him to do anything. He came here and took the time to see what it was all about.

 

When he was ready we checked out a local social so that he could meet other swingers and see what they were like. After that we visited an on-premise club which we both loved more than any vanilla club we'd visited and decided that even if we never got involved with others we would be back to the club (and have gone many time since). Our first activities were having sex with each other inthe public areas at the club. It was hot knowing that people were watching. From there we progressed to some girl/girl play and then finally to a soft swap with another couple.

 

After the girl/girl, I don't think either of us were too thrilled, she wasn't very good and I was drunk and the room was overly crowded so I didn't get much out of it. The room being crowded kept Pet from getting much out of it or being able to join in at all. After the soft swap we were both happy, and while there were little things that would keep us from playing with THAT couple again, we both had a great time and enjoyed seeing each other being pleased and pleasing. We talked a lot and made some decisions about what we do and don't want and expect out of swinging.

 

I don't think that either of us really "control" the lifestyle. We just take things as they come and try to make sure that we are both always okwith whatever is going on. Since I am the one with past experience I take extra care to make sure that he is ok with everything we do and that I'm not pushing us into something either of us is not ready for.

[UKsexycouple 15]

1. wife

2. loves porn and wanted to try a threesome

3. wife is a nymph and is insatiable and watched porn since very young - she wanted it as much as i!

4. She found out she is bi and I found out how much I love seeing her take multiple guys on

5. FMF one night MFM the next two nights (2 different guys on holiday)

6. wanted a couple as quickly as possible

7. She is my wife NOT my slave (well she has a fantasy...) but she can fuck who she likes. She is having a (shy) young couple tonight who are thinking of including me later. I will get my fun tommorrow when she tells me what happened and we shag like bunnies....and she gets me girls as she loves watching me with them before joining in.

8. both of us wish we had started earlier!

 

I think women love sex more than men BUT religion and society say "bad girl/stay with one guy/have babies to make new religious indoctrinated followers"

 

Get rid of that and non-swingers would be considered "odd"

[cubnamy1995 124]

We like to have sex with lots of different people.

[sweet_tna 680]

1. Who initiated the conversation? I did, upon learning close friends of ours were swingers, and Mr. Sweet told them, "That's great for you, but Mrs. Sweet would never go for it."

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing? I needed a reason?!?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) It was something we both wanted, but Mr. Sweet assumed (incorrectly) that I'd never consider it.

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? Shocked, but thrilled

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) MFM as part of a foursome. The other Mrs. joined in after a bit, and we went full.

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? When can we do this again?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? Interesting way to phrase the question . . . "control of the lifestyle" . . . For the most part, I make the decisions, but never without Mr. Sweet being on board.

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? I'm way more self confident than I used to be (as is Mr. Sweet), and I/we tend to be more selective about those with whom we spend our time.

[cubnamy1995 124]

 

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

 

Whoops. I didn't know there were questions.

 

1) Hubby

2) To better explore her bi-sexuality in a way he could participate

3) Yes

4) Curiosity

5) MFM

6) Him: Wow this is cool Her: Still curious

7) She calls the shots, I have veto power

8) What once seemed like a very big deal has now become just a really cool and fun recreational activity where we get to have a "dirty little secret" that nobody knows about.

[pervgeeks 119]

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation?

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

 

1. I did (the wife).

 

2. I (the wife) had a very vanilla first marriage and feelings toward women I couldn't explore. I had MFF experiences as a single woman after he and I divorced. I came into my current relationship very open about my bisexuality. We were completely monogamous for almost three years, married, and then began to explore the lifestyle together.

 

3. They were very honest.

 

4. He was turned on.

 

5. We were soft at first. We were mainly into the idea of of a MFF threesome at first in theory, but as someone who had been in the situation of being a single woman, I not only knew not only how difficult it was to find, but how vulnerable it felt to be a single woman and I was very cautious. We had a lot of discussions and decided it would be better to be with couples as we wanted someone with their own emotional base at home. Our first experience together was soft swap with a couple.

 

6. I wasn't sure how I'd react to the idea of him with another woman, but it turns out I was turned on- a lot. Not long after, we did fullswap. We have only fullswapped with one couple so far, but that will likely change in a few days.

 

7. After our first session, both turned on and wanting more, but a little confused. We both enjoyed the female a lot, but the male's personality quirks dampered it too much. They (especially him) also got a little clingy. Our second experience was much better.

 

8. I (again,, the wife) handle 99.99% of our online correspondence, but at parties, he's quite outgoing and charming. Before we approach a couple, we confer with the other. We have learned to never take one for the team.

 

9. We did not think we'd fullswap, but we're such horndogs and when we're turned on, we don't want to limit ourselves- so we decided not to. I thought he would be more jealous of other men. However, we've learned not to play with couples with pushy guys and the more "chill" the other man is, the more we are comfortable and the more I will do with him. If the man is respectful to me, he's fine with it (he's always been fine with me and the ladies lol). We stay on the same page. We like fullswap, but we don't like it if people expect it from us. We are both very secure in the fact we can both separate sex and love and know it's each other that we love.

[des1re06 200]

So - anyway - the questions.....

 

1. Who initiated the conversation? I (wife) did

 

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing? "Honey, how do you feel about another woman joining us in bed?"

 

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Yes, totally. I'm very bi, and have been since pre-puberty. This is not something new to me.

 

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? "Wow, I've died and gone to heaven!"

 

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) Couple, but only FF to begin with, then she asked if she could have hubby. I said, "sure!" I gave her hubby a BJ.

 

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? Let's do this again!

 

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? He's pickier, so I have to wait for him to find the right match. He needs to feel attraction more than me. For me, it's f*cking.

 

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? Definately! We're constantly evolving into better swingers. Too many uncertainties in the beginning led to too many rules.

Mrs. D