Confused with partner/time to say goodbye?

[teddyadirondacks 2]

We are couple. both like to have fun with others of both sexes and heres the problem. I live in NJ and come to partners homes 80-90% of the time and bascially live with her but not officially. We allow each other once in a while interludes alone with others when I am not here. Well...she had asked me about hooking up  (June 2022) with some guy she met prior to our swiniging and I had no issue . Now I find out recently she has been hooking up with him since she first asked quite a few times with phone calls to me in NJ saying "Im goign to be early honey" etc. then they had their hookups. Still although I was a bit taken aback for sure but may have been okay but now I find out the man moved 1 1 /2 blcoks from her and this guys passes by the home every day and the amount of messages between both is quite distrubing. I want out and want out now but she insists its only sex and "what is the big deal if he lives near by"?!? I think it is total lack of respect for us as a couple and want out NOW. She wants to go to therapy...booked a session...the thing is to me is once a person crosses the line (and that line is quite forgiven line) like she has its over. Am I crazy? I know its swinging but isnt there soem kind of decency peopel should show? I know...what the answer is in my head just wanted to throw this out on here and hear other opinions. I'm 99% I am Probably out of here later today in fact. We havent touched each other for almost two weeks now. 

[AdamGunn2 396]

10 minutes ago, teddyadirondacks said:

I want out and want out now but she insists its only sex and "what is the big deal if he lives near by"?!? I think it is total lack of respect for us as a couple and want out NOW. She wants to go to therapy...booked a session...the thing is to me is once a person crosses the line (and that line is quite forgiven line) like she has its over. Am I crazy? I know its swinging 

First of all, it's not 'swinging.' According to you (since we haven't had your partner's point of view,) she's not being honest with you, and she's hooking up without your knowledge and approval. That is wrong, and in almost all cases, it leads to the kind of hard feelings you are having. I'm very sorry for you for that.

 

Now, where do you go from here?

 

1) You say you want out. You've make it clear in your message that you feel she's cheating. Okay, so what's to stop you from taking her out to a coffee shop and telling her you're out? It's going to be hard - I assume you are very fond of this woman, if not in love - but assuming you'll eventually break up with her no matter what, it'll be hard then, too. Doing it this way just brings on the sadness earlier and saves you a lot of pain.

 

2) If you feel that there's any chance that the relationship could be saved, go to with her to therapy under the following condition: Until you are finished with the therapy, neither of you will have relations with anyone else. If she doesn't accept that condition, it means she's not invested enough to have therapy work. If she breaks the condition during the therapy, it means she has a problem that couples therapy isn't going to fix. But . . . if both of you keep your word, and you're able to work it out through therapy, then perhaps you'll have a loving companion for the rest of your life.

 

As I said before, this really isn't a swinger's question, it's a relationship question. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[teddyadirondacks 2]

Ok thanks and sorry about crossing over from one to the other. I agree with your view but she thinks this is what swingers do sometimes. 
 

yeah it’s time. 23 years of swinging sometimes comes to an end. 

 

good  luck to all you honest decent horny as F swingers. 
 

 

[ConfusedHubby 118]

I hated reading this as I can easily visualize something like this happening which is a reason I've resisted playing separately.  If you give a mouse a cookie / you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

 

Good luck whichever way you go and I agree with the second piece of Adam's advice above.  That can be a litmus test to see if the relationship is worth saving.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

The difference between swinging and cheating is that swinging is done WITH your partner with their full knowledge (and usually participation). Cheating is done WITHOUT their partners knowledge...which is exactly what this sounds like. If it is 'just sex', then why is she even hesitating about you wanting her to stop seeing him? At least, for now, swinging (cheating or whatever she wants to call it) is on hold and she needs to STOP SEEING HIM (PERIOD).

 

As for staying or leaving, that is up to you. If you choose to stay, her life needs to become an open book (especially her phone) and counseling is not a bad idea. But it sounds like there is more to this story than just this making you want to leave. Either way, its your decision. Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,387]

8 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

If you choose to stay, her life needs to become an open book (especially her phone)...

 

Nit so sure about this. Swinging is a lifestyle that can accommodate many different arrangements - except paranoia and jealousy.

[njbm 2,869]

43 minutes ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Nit so sure about this. Swinging is a lifestyle that can accommodate many different arrangements - except paranoia and jealousy.

Agree. I trust my wife. I don’t read her mail, texts or emails. I will say in swinging, the males text the males and the females text the females. We have had a couple of guys who became obsessed with my wife and thought she was their girlfriend. Not our jam. 

[Davdia 119]

17 hours ago, teddyadirondacks said:

but now I find out the man moved 1 1 /2 blcoks from her and this guys passes by the home every day and the amount of messages between both is quite distrubing.

Moving takes time and planning, this has been in the works since the beginning. She must have known that is what he was doing.

if he’s already moved in 1 1/2 blocks away without you knowing in advance, it’s time for you to move on.  Sorry buddy 

[njbm 2,869]

3 hours ago, Davdia said:

Moving takes time and planning, this has been in the works since the beginning. She must have known that is what he was doing.

if he’s already moved in 1 1/2 blocks away without you knowing in advance, it’s time for you to move on.  Sorry buddy 

This is not a swinging issue. She has a new boyfriend. Talk to her, but I think this is not good news for you. Take appropriate steps in your best interest. She did. 

[teddyadirondacks 2]

All good folks and thank you all for replying. I was just curious if others  experienced this nonsense and I never bought  into the concept “it’s swinging and no room for jealousy” when others  especially married ones cheat on their spouses (lowest of low swinger if u ask me) … it’s quite hurtful to the other side and don’t do. Lol. Sorry. Listen to me. 
 

 

I’m moving on. She can do as she pleases. Time to really enjoy my retirement. Hitting the road for a long  road trip visiting various friends. leave Sunday.  
 

Good news is I don’t have to get a nasty divorce with kids involved  or sell a home. Lol. Been there done  that. 

 

Good luck to all  you horny as f people!!! And thank you again .

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Hunter and njbm:

 

When a couple is swinging, life doesn't need to be an open book...but usually it just is because of the trust and communication. I've never ever felt the need to question my partner or verify what she is doing because of that trust. However, what has been happening in this case, she has been cheating, which is a betrayal of trust and if someone wants to try to continue, things need to become transparent on her side to verify that she still isn't in contact with the other guy and that nothing bad is happening so that trust can start to be rebuilt. Trust, but verify is the first step to repairing a relationship.

 

In this case it doesn't sound like the relationship is able to be or going to be repaired. It sounds like Teddy is good with this and is looking forward to his next adventures and experiences.

 

Teddy: enjoy your retirement and whatever you do next. We wish you the best and know that you deserved better. Good luck and good times as you move forward!