Maybe open to swinging

[northeast 0]

Hi All,

We are in our early 40s, have been together since high school, and we’ve only actually been with each other. Our marriage has been great and we have a great life but our sex life wasn't amazing for most of it. She recently said she thinks it's mostly due to her upbringing, good-girl syndrome, and having young kids at home. 

 

But now that our kids are getting older now the reality of an empty nest in the next couple of years has set in. Our sex and our communication have been getting so much better recently, and I brought up the possible opening of our marriage again ( I had in the past but we never talked about it further) because I told her how human beings are not really naturally monogamous and told her about soft/hard swinging, and so on. She said that everything I said really made sense. I mentioned how there are events such as cruise ship takeovers and that I am interested in going to one. She was expectedly a little apprehensive about it, asking me, ‘What if this experience makes you wanna leave me?’ and, ‘Well what if you meet someone and then want to then be with them instead?’ Questions like that. So I had to tell her that would never happen, and that she is the one I … ‘love’. Which is different. I also mentioned that there are no expectations. Meaning I’d also like just to be there for that sexual energy and freedom in the air, and we don’t necessarily have to jump right in and do anything at all. Throughout all these conversations with her the past few weeks she never said, ‘Hell No, No way I’ll do that!’. The other day I brought it up again and she said, ‘I can’t just rip the bandaid off and stuff. I need some kind of baby steps or something. I can’t just get to that level at the drop of a hat. ‘

Also, I am mostly talking about swinging more so than just an open relationship where you go off on your own and all. Obviously, it would have to start very slow.

I found it interesting she never said, ‘No Way!’ Thought that may have been ‘telling’. lol 

Sounds like under the surface she may actually be ... into this,  but I have no idea.

 

What do you all think about this? How should I follow up? etc

[TeamCalgary 168]

Hello northeast.

 

Stop talking and start listening.

 

You have presented your case; let her weigh the evidence.

 

Do not pressure her; in this hobby, the wagon moves as fast as the slowest horse (which is your wife at this point). 

 

There exist lots of options for the two of you to gently navigate these waters; perhaps visit a lifestyle club and make a pact between the two of you

beforehand that you are there strictly to observe, nothing more. This is a good first step. 

 

Keep talking, but more importantly, keep listening. 

[PeterJ 940]

 

41 minutes ago, northeast said:

Hi All,

We are in our early 40s, have been together since high school, and we’ve only actually been with each other. Our marriage has been great and we have a great life but our sex life wasn't amazing for most of it. She recently said she thinks it's mostly due to her upbringing, good-girl syndrome, and having young kids at home…
…Also, I am mostly talking about swinging more so than just an open relationship where you go off on your own and all. Obviously, it would have to start very slow.

 

What do you all think about this? How should I follow up? etc

Northeast, you have come to a good place. Members of this board will support you and your wife and share their experiences in swinging and other aspects of ethical non-monogamy. It will be up to the two of you to sort out what you find is useful.

 

My recommendation for a good next step (after joining this board) is for the two of you to read and discuss the classic volume on ethical non-monogamy, "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love". (https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664?nodl=1&dplnkId=ed37f918-0442-4b13-be61-1057456ced95) 

Some of the content you may find resonates with you, other aspects not so much. But hopefully you will both agree with a central theme — that openness, honesty and consideration for your partner(s) are of critical importance. Reading this book will help the two of you as individuals and as partners in your marriage locate yourselves and your interests within the broader context of the lifestyle. And you will see where as individuals your interests and attitudes are coincident and where they diverge. 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Northeast, you mentioned "under the surface..." and "...but I have no idea".

 

It is GREAT that you are talking. Patiently try to open the communication further, go deeper, with trust and without judgment. Try to evoke from her how she feels, what she thinks, what her concerns are (beyond what she's already voiced), what her fantasies might entail. It is important to get the communication going really, really well.

 

I agree with what others have said; take it slow. And yes, going to a lifestyle event, a "meet and greet" would be a great way to dip your toes into the pool. People have these ideas of what swingers are like, and they're usually wrong Swingers are average people, no different than the cross spectrum of society you see at a grocery store of an evening. It can also be fun to go to a grocery store, or some other busy store, and talk amongst yourselves about who seems attractive, who doesn't. Your wife will likely feel more comfortable over time with the whole idea if she's able to express to you who seems attractive, and you are fully receptive to it, even encouraging. So, that's another way to kinda dip your toes into the pool, in terms of thought.

 

Another way to fantasize about it is to use a dildo on her while she is giving you head, and have her imagine the dildo is another man.

 

So, a few different ways to dip your toes into the pool, without ripping the bandaid off

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We keep having to say the same thing...sorry to those who have heard it before. Love, trust, communication...you can never have too much of any of the three. Make sure that you have optimized these first, then think about the next step, and there are many small steps. Go to a strip club or (even better) go to a swingers club with NO intent of swinging, just to watch the other people there. Kind of like 'live porn'. Maybe create a profile together and see about finding another couple that you could have same room sex with (not sex with them, just you and your partner and them and their partner having sex). This way you can both see how you are feeling without crossing that 'line' as you take small steps.

 

One thing, I would let her know that it is swinging that you want to do...together. An open marriage is more where both partners can date others with their partners permission (unless that is what you are looking to be able to do). Just remember, there are lots of small steps you can take without 'going all the way' with someone else. All of the suggestions above are great suggestions, especially you listening. Give her some time to think about what you have suggested and let her know that when she is ready to come and continue the conversation. At the same time, let her know that if she isn't interested, that's okay. She should be and needs to know that she is more important than this and if she wants to stop at any point, you will support her decision. Good luck and keep us up to date with how things are going.