1st experience/Questions/Uncertainties

[Starting late 121]

Hello, we're a married couple in our 50s, and recently had our first experience with another couple. It was nothing we sought out, per se, but were having fun one night in a hotel, got a little risky, and a couple spotted us and introduced themselves. Everyone had a very fun night, and since then my wife and I have talked about the possibility of doing it again.

 

I suppose this is a pretty common issue, but I (the man) am more fired up about it than she is, and it's confusing to me. During the night of our experience, there were obvious signs she was enjoying herself, and in conversations since then she has said, on several occasions, that she loved it, and has said she wants to try again - but then she turns around and says maybe not, a few days later. The problem is that while we have an amazing relationship, are best friends, and talk about most everything - sex is one of those things where there is so much left unsaid. For example, the way we got into anal was being at a sex shop, her spotting an anal toy and raising her eyebrows. I asked if she'd like it, and she said "if you would."  So whenever anything gets real dirty, or "beyond the norm" (whatever that is) she doesn't really speak her mind.

 

I think this is too important of a decision not to have all of our cards on the table. I certainly would never force anything on her, or do anything she's not comfortable with, so no is absolutely no. Period. But she goes back and forth on it, leaving the door open. I know she enjoyed herself that night, but maybe is afraid to admit how much (??)  (For reference, she had several squirting orgasms - something she rarely does - and was very eager to try things she's never expressed interest in prior to that night)

 

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice? The obvious is to talk to her, which we've been doing - but it's also in her nature to shut down when things get too dirty. Don't think there's any changing that at this point. Or maybe I should just be happy with that experience, and enjoy the memory and move on?

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm not seeing any glaring red flags here telling you it should be a thing for memories only. It sounds like you have the kind of relationship that can work well with swinging. It is a concern that she won't readily discuss sexual topics, but I don't know that it's a show stopper. Things don't have to be verbalized in that respect with the one exception that both of you must be on the same page about rules/behavior boundaries.

 

There's an old saying around here, which I think you're following by default; move at the pace of the slowest. This is a very, very new mode to be in; ethical non-monogamy. It may take time for your wife to work through things logically and emotionally. I'd recommend focusing on discussing how this new adventure works with your relationship, how it makes both of you feel, what it might look like moving forward, and less about specific sexual aspects.

 

Welcome to the forum :) We're a helpful bunch, and will gladly answer any questions you might have as best we can. For my wife and I, there's no way we would have gotten into swinging without this forum, now going on 15 years ago.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

No, this is not an uncommon thing to have happen. Every couple should have rules and limits that are mutually agreed upon before continuing (and that should NEVER be violated although they will probably adapt and change as time goes on). As bbarnsworth pointed out, and it is one of our few remaining rules, is that we move at the pace set by the slowest member...no pressure and nothing but understanding. Another rule we have is that if either of us wants to pause or stop, we both will stop with no explanation necessary. Our relationship will always be more important than something we are doing (together) for fun. Your wife needs to know that you will 100% always support her with whatever SHE decides to do. She needs to be able to trust you completely, and that you will not judge her on that trust. This includes sexual fantasies as well. As it says in our signature below, "If you don’t have to lie about sex, you don’t have to lie about anything. - John Williamson"...this is SO VERY true but still one of the hardest obstacles to overcome - knowing, trusting, letting every guard down with your partner and having them stand by you, without judgement or repercussions, no matter what. 

 

Yes, you two need to talk...but start out with whatever she would like to do is fine with you. If she says that she wants to keep this a one time thing, then let her know that you support her choice and leave it at that. She very well may come back later and change her mind once she sees that you are letting her have the lead in this. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[couplers 4,614]

Two thoughts: 

● Your wife enjoys  sex play tremendously in the moment, but doesn't have the exciting recall that you do to pursue future sessions.  (I  can somewhat understand, and have instances of zero sexual arousal and interest, but can be easily turned on and go to 100.)  You two together need to create experiences that pleasantly live in her mind.  My leading, probably controversial, suggestion: 

● Let her find someone (male, female, couple) who she would look forward to getting together with for sex and be more comfortable with.  The common wisdom is that men are willing to have sex without much thought beyond physical appeal, while women are more holistic and want sex with someone they find appealing on a personal level.

 

Best of luck and please keep us updated on your progress. 

[Starting late 121]

1 hour ago, couplers said:

 

● Let her find someone (male, female, couple) who she would look forward to getting together with for sex and be more comfortable with.  The common wisdom is that men are willing to have sex without much thought beyond physical appeal, while women are more holistic and want sex with someone they find appealing on a personal level.

 

 

Not sure what you mean. Are you saying have her take the lead in finding someone? Or have her have her own experience with someone else? I think you are right on about her not having the sexual recall. Whether it's not having it, or not wanting to have it - she grew up in a very conservative family, so there is a fair amount of shame related to things that aren't  in the mainstream. So my armchair/youtube psycho analyst says that she represses a lot of things that turn her on. Which is why taking the lead in finding someone would be difficult. It's a great suggestion though, and I think would go a long way in letting her decide if this is right for her.

 

As far as her having her own experience with someone else, certainly a fantasy of mine, but I don't see her jumping right into that. Which is why I assume you mean the former.

[Starting late 121]

22 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

If she says that she wants to keep this a one time thing, then let her know that you support her choice and leave it at that. She very well may come back later and change her mind once she sees that you are letting her have the lead in this. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Absolutely. I'm the passenger in a wonderful ride. Our relationship is amazing. She's an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, fun woman and incredible partner, and I wouldn't want to harm it in any way.

 

May I ask how the conversation started within your relationship? How do you start the conversation that sex with others turns you on, but you are still madly in love with your partner?

[Starting late 121]

On 11/16/2023 at 3:22 PM, bbarnsworth said:

Welcome to the forum :) We're a helpful bunch, and will gladly answer any questions you might have as best we can. For my wife and I, there's no way we would have gotten into swinging without this forum, now going on 15 years ago.

Thank you so much. It's a whole new world for sure. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. We'll see what the future holds!

 

When getting into the lifestyle, would you say that it opened up your relationship - as in able to talk about things more? As I said, we talk about sex, but only up to a point. It would be nice to be able to tell her all of my fantasies (not that I want to act on all of them!)

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

3 hours ago, Starting late said:

May I ask how the conversation started within your relationship? How do you start the conversation that sex with others turns you on, but you are still madly in love with your partner?

I don't view "sex with others turns you on" and "madly in love" as mutually exclusive. Obviously you don't either, or you wouldn't be here I just saw the "but" and thought "hmm, no, I'm even more madly in love with her because I enjoy her having sex with others"...not a "but"

 

The conversation started with my wife and I after some years into our marriage when she commented one evening that she could imagine having two men massaging her at once (she looooves massage). That was sort of the snowflake that started the snowball that started the avalanche. Before I met her, I'd briefly been part of a poly triad. When my (now) wife discussed our past relationships and found out about this, she said there was nooooo way she would ever want to do anything like that. So, years later when she decided she really enjoyed having sex with other men, I was overjoyed and shocked. I'd learned too how much I enjoyed watching her have sex with other men. I've never been able to explain it, but I love it.

 

 

 

3 hours ago, Starting late said:

When getting into the lifestyle, would you say that it opened up your relationship - as in able to talk about things more? As I said, we talk about sex, but only up to a point. It would be nice to be able to tell her all of my fantasies (not that I want to act on all of them!)

My wife has always been able to talk about things sexual. Her mother was always an open book, and my wife says she knows far more about her mother's (ample) sex life than any daughter ever. So, it's always been easy for her.

 

My wife and I already had an amazing, very open communication relationship prior to swinging. Swinging amplified that, but didn't increase it because we'd already had such open communication. For us, it was an exploration of things we'd never imagined. For my wife especially she found that having sex with two men in an MFM was something she really, really loves...something she never imagined. 

 

I don't have any easy tips for how to get your wife to be able to communicate her sexual desires. It's a new mode for your wife, and trying to become comfortable with that may take time and lots of patience. Small questions like "does that feel good?" and "how does this feel?" may be the baby steps that slowly lead to deeper questions. Trust is important. Always be a receptive listener. Don't use sarcasm. Acknowledge. Support. Encourage.

 

 

[couplers 4,614]

21 hours ago, Starting late said:

Are you saying have her take the lead in finding someone? Or have her have her own experience with someone else?

Yes on both.  Many people here go to clubs or parties to meet people who they do not know to engage in sex.  They prefer the variety and anonymity of doing so.

 

Others prefer selecting their potential partners on websites or the like, then meeting them with no sexual expectations the first time to see if everything clicks.  Your wife, at least at this point, seems to be in the latter category.  She would be more comfortable and develop sexual excitement over a guy if she knows him first.

 

A third approach, which she may like, would be for her to identify a guy she knows who is not necessarily in the lifestyle, but she finds attractive already (that guy at the gym maybe) and see if he's interested.  She flirts, he responds positively, you all get together for you to approve, and they do it.  She may indeed be more receptive if you aren't, at least at first, around watching. 

 

If you are comfortable with it, giving her explicit approval to have a partner on the side when it feels right for her may make it easier for her.  I was raised in a strict religious home, but have concluded that all people are non-monogamous in our own ways.  Finding that path brings tremendous joy.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2023 by couplers

[Starting late 121]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

Yes on both.  Many people here go to clubs or parties to meet people who they do not know to engage in sex.  They prefer the variety and anonymity of doing so.

 

Others prefer selecting their potential partners on websites or the like, then meeting them with no sexual expectations the first time to see if everything clicks.  Your wife, at least at this point, seems to be in the latter category.  She would be more comfortable and develop sexual excitement over a guy if she knows him first.

 

A third approach, which she may like, would be for her to identify a guy she knows who is not necessarily in the lifestyle, but she finds attractive already (that guy at the gym maybe) and see if he's interested.  She flirts, he responds positively, you all get together for you to approve, and they do it.  She may indeed be more receptive if you aren't, at least at first, around watching. 

 

If you are comfortable with it, giving her explicit approval to have a partner on the side when it feels right for her may make it easier for her.  I was raised in a strict religious home, but have concluded that all people are non-monogamous in our own ways.  Finding that path brings tremendous joy.

 

 

 

 

Wow, the thought is both exhilarating and scary as hell! It's something I've fantasized about but never thought about in real life. You're right in that she may be more receptive if I'm not there. No matter how much we trust each other, there is still that hurdle to get over, especially for her, about me being with someone else.

[ExploringOptions 185]

A couple approached us and we refused. The big positive is it made us talk about possibilities of future play. Talk talk talk, then talk more. 
We always talk about that first meeting where we refused, the fantasy of what it might have been got and still gets us talking more. Be on the same thoughts before going forward. 

[Numex 2,409]

11 hours ago, Starting late said:

Wow, the thought is both exhilarating and scary as hell! It's something I've fantasized about but never thought about in real life. You're right in that she may be more receptive if I'm not there. No matter how much we trust each other, there is still that hurdle to get over, especially for her, about me being with someone else.

This post by another member has stuck in my mind.

  

On 5/23/2017 at 7:37 AM, Shore2Please said:

I can understand why she might want separate rooms. I too prefer this. Our first happened to be in separate rooms. My new partner that we had just met on our cruise was a dream and the time we spent was fabulous. I knew my husband was with the wife but I didn't much think about it. I was nervous at first but didn't have the extra burden of us doing something my husband or his wife would be upset seeing. The next day we did have sex in the same room and the same man who made sensual love to me the night before now used me as a sex thing. And though I didn't think anything about seeing my husband the night before it became a bigger reality now. After a number of experiences I still feel that men act completely different when we are alone.

 

[cplnluv1 871]

1 hour ago, Numex said:

This post by another member has stuck in my mind.

  

 

Most posts by that member are thoughtful including the one quoted. We don’t play alone often, when we have the play does feel different when I’m alone with a man or a woman. I’m not inhibited in front of my husband though it’s strange to say I’m less inhibited if he isn’t present. Possibly when alone the other person is less inhibited leading to something different for me. 

[Starting late 121]

A small update for all who have been so kind to respond:

 

We talked for a long time last night. We talked about how fun this is, how scared we are, and how it's bringing our relationship to the next level when we thought we were already there. It was comforting to know that she feels pretty close to how I do about all this, with a maybe a few more reservations. Her eyes lit up when I talked about her having an experience on her own, and mine did too when she mentioned that experience may be with a woman. We are still taking things slowly, but also went on Adult Friend Finder, and looked at galleries on this site, just to see who is out there. The sex we had, laptop still open and rattling around the bed, was absolutely amazing, and she reacted in a way similar to the night she was with the other couple. Hopefully that is here to stay!  I think actually a planned meeting with someone is still far off, but we both are enjoying where we are, and where this is bringing us.

 

Question - How do you meet people? We talked alot about whether we want to find a "familiar stranger" or go on the internet or bumble and take our chances. Plusses and minuses to each I suppose. And what about Swingers Clubs? We're bi coastal, in NJ and CA. I know of a club near us in CA, but do we have to go into NYC to find something in NJ? Are they clean? Weird? Full of guys? Can you go there and just watch? Or is it just one big orgy.

 

Anyway, thank you everyone for the advice!

[AdamGunn2 393]

39 minutes ago, Starting late said:

Question - How do you meet people? We talked alot about whether we want to find a "familiar stranger" or go on the internet or bumble and take our chances. Plusses and minuses to each I suppose. And what about Swingers Clubs? We're bi coastal, in NJ and CA. I know of a club near us in CA, but do we have to go into NYC to find something in NJ? Are they clean? Weird? Full of guys? Can you go there and just watch? Or is it just one big orgy.

The typical thing is to put up a profile on one of the big three swinger sites: Swinglifestyle (SLS),  SDC or Kasidie.  I think all of them allow you to put up a profile for free, but it's very limited. Use it to find out if there's an acceptable number of profiles in your area. (Search for paid members, free members won't get you anything.) Then, when you've decided on one, pay for your profile. It's not that expensive - about $15 a month, less if you go for an extended plan. 

 

Now comes the work.  Think hard about what you want on your profile, think of it as trying to make a first impression.  You should have at least a couple of photographs on the site, they don't have to be revealing or nudes, feel free to blur your faces, or cut your heads off altogether. Then wait for invitations, and reach out to whomever makes you warm.

 

You can find a complete listing of swingers clubs on SLS at https://www.swinglifestyle.com/swingers/clubs/  Are they weird, can you watch, etc?  Take a look at the posts in swingers clubs forum on this site. (Simple answer, every club is different, you can always do what you want, unless you try to pressure somebody else. I've never been to one which is just one big orgy, although I bet there's some out there.)

 

Have fun!

Edited November 20, 2023 by AdamGunn2

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Good morning. 

 

Some years ago, we penned an essay and posted it here. It's still reasonably fresh and might be worth a read. 

 

As AdamGunn has mentioned, posting a profile is the next step. We like SLS (see fundamentallaw there). What matters most is not the site, but how you construct and message within your profile. There is never a second chance to make a first impression. Spend some time chatting with each other about how you choose to present yourselves to the LS world. 

 

 

[Numex 2,409]

15 hours ago, cplnluv1 said:

We don’t play alone often, when we have the play does feel different when I’m alone

Daniela and I have discussed our feelings about alone play a lot.  We have no problem with it, we both actually find it a turn-on, having our spouse come back home and the reclaiming, and are grateful to the other for allowing it.

 

As part of that discussion, we agree that it's not that we're away from our spouse, but that it's that two of us are alone.  There's no group dynamic involved, just two people exploring, having sex in whatever way suits them.

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

If you want to catch fish, you first find where the fish are.

[couplers 4,614]

On 11/20/2023 at 7:51 AM, Starting late said:

It was comforting to know that she feels pretty close to how I do about all this

It is common wisdom here to say, "Only move as fast as the slowest partner in your swinging journey."  That assumes that the couple is moving in sync, which is not necessary.

 

So may I add a corollary: if you are comfortable with something, but your partner is not, let her move ahead.

 

What put my husband and I on the right path in the lifestyle was him allowing me to have a boyfriend for two years while he stayed monogamous.  Then, suddenly, I was ready, eager, to share him. 

 

On 11/20/2023 at 7:51 AM, Starting late said:

Her eyes lit up when I talked about her having an experience on her own, and mine did too when she mentioned that experience may be with a woman.

The lifestyle opened up my Lesbian side which I didn't know that I had.  It would have been a tragedy for me to have missed that part of my life. 

 

 

Edited November 22, 2023 by couplers

[Starting late 121]

11 hours ago, couplers said:

It is common wisdom here to say, "Only move as fast as the slowest partner in your swinging journey."  That assumes that the couple is moving in sync, which is not necessary.

 

So may I add a corollary: if you are comfortable with something, but your partner is not, let her move ahead.

 

What put my husband and I on the right path in the lifestyle was him allowing me to have a boyfriend for two years while he stayed monogamous.  Then, suddenly, I was ready, eager, to share him. 

 

The lifestyle opened up my Lesbian side which I didn't know that I had.  It would have been a tragedy for me to have missed that part of my life. 

 

 

That all makes perfect sense, and fortunately we both seem to be on the same page, so far. That being said, in our first and only experience, it was a shock to the two of us that she enjoyed her time with the female half of the other couple so much. As in alot! I'm a guy, so of course I'm interested in that :)  but she has never expressed any interest, and in the past has totally shut down any suggestion about it. Not homophobic in the least, but it's something she has said she has no interest in. But then all of a sudden, here come the water works. 

 

I think for the most part we're interested in either a couple, or a man for her, but her interest in another woman has been a pleasant surprise. I guess it's all part of the fun journey of this lifestyle that is also alot of self discovery, but I also think that I'm the type of person that analyzes everything waaaay too much, and in that respect it was definitely confusing to me that it was such a turn around. From practically 100% no, to holy shit!

[couplers 4,614]

10 hours ago, Starting late said:

it's something she has said she has no interest in. But then all of a sudden, here come the water works. 

It is amazing what you can discover in the lifestyle with understanding and generosity.  

[Starting late 121]

Hello and Happy New Year!

 

I have an update:

 

Right before the holidays, my wife (Suzy) and I got the nerve and decided to go to Twist, our (somewhat) local sex club. We're both still buzzing from it, although I still can't believe we got the nerve to do it. Because it feels like such an accomplishment that I can't tell my friends about, I kinda feel like writing about it. For those who don't care to read the details, skip to the end for a heartfelt thank you for your support and suggestions.

 

So...the night started with dinner in San Francisco at Bar Crenn. Very much of a splurge, but HIGHLY recommended if you're a foodie and come visit SF. We both dressed to the nines, Suzy in a tight red dress, stockings and heels. Nothing too revealing except for a stylish cut that exposed her midriff. She has a well proportioned body and was getting plenty of head turns, which was a great start to the night!

 

After dinner we still had time before things got rolling, but anticipation got the best of us, and we showed up to Twist a little after 10:30. Barely anyone there, but we kept busy by dancing- with ourselves and with the few couples that were sprinkled about. Within an hour or so the place was filling up and we had a great time sexy dancing for a bit longer until we worked up the nerve to enter the play area. Even though we were early, we didn't get much of a tour or have the rules explained to us, but we figured out to get a locker and get undressed. I wore a towel, and Suzy stayed in the lingerie she had under her dress - black panties/stockings and garter and a sexy matching bra.

 

Within minutes of walking out, we were propositioned by a nice couple. We were still very nervous and we politely declined, explaining we were still getting our footing. Soon after another proposition, but we still weren't ready. The club was pretty full at this point, and the crowd was truly a mix of all types of people. We're in our mid 50s, but we try to stay in shape and tbh we could probably pass for 40s, Suzy even younger. I'd have to say that my one knock on the evening was that while we eventually found people we were attracted to, it was difficult at first to see the forest through the trees. Alot of people who either did not take care of their bodies, or grooming was not high on their list. This is not a judgement against anyone or any body type, it's simply that we did not find people that were attractive to us at first. So we began to feel a bit overwhelmed (we had also microdosed mushrooms earlier in the night) 

 

We wondered around watching a few couples, but things were not going the way we imagined. We took a seat on an oversized couch - me first, and Suzy sitting in front of me, somewhat in my lap so that I could rub her shoulders, which I did for a good ten minutes or so. I swear I was seconds away from saying "Let's go home" when a couple walked by and stopped in front of us. For reasons we both can't explain, right at that moment Suzy smiled and spread her legs, reaching down to slide her panties to the side. The man glanced at his wife, and before I knew it he was on his knees, peeling off Suzy's panties and going down on her, while she cuddled up on the. couch, caressing Suzy's breasts and whispering some hot sexy talk. And then she looked at me and asked "Can my husband fuck your wife?"

 

Holy SH** was that amazing! He fucked her while she was still on the couch, me behind. Every thrust sandwiching Suzy and pushing her back onto me. I can't even describe the joy I felt at that moment. The freedom. What a rush. We spent some time with that couple, exploring different combinations, and moved on to a few more. The sensual look in Suzy's eyes, the passion. I could see her self confidence growing with every touch and every orgasm. I have to say that for a 55yo guy, I did pretty well. We played for a solid couple hours and I stayed in the game the entire time - including 3 big orgasms and 1 teeny-tiny one letting me know the night was winding down for me. 

 

We went back home in the wee hours, the short drive feeling like it took hours because we were so anxious to get into bed and fuck our brains out. Which we did until it was light out, slept half the day and then fucked again (which is a whole other story!)

 

Since that night there has been a bounce in our relationship. A buzz. A smile. We are having so much fun and I love just being able to look at her and smile wickedly. and have her do the same. Like a secret between us that no one knows, and gives us a thrill to just think about. Our sex life is off the hook. Practically every night.

 

That being said, and even though she went out and bought a cute pineapple dress and ordered an anklet from Etsy (are those really a thing? Or is that urban legend) swinging is not something we are going to do on a regular basis. It was an amazing experience and no regrets whatsoever. I think what is more our speed is to meet a nice couple or two who are in the lifestyle, get to know them and become friends, and trust them enough to share our bedroom from time to time. We're also interested in "going bareback" so picking up random strangers is not practical. We still have some questions about clubs and the lifestyle, but perhaps for another post.

 

Anyway, we both would like to thank all of you who have offered support and advice. You absolutely changed our lives. If you are in San Francisco (actually we live in Oakland), or near the NJ shore, please drop us a line and say hi.

 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Congrats and welcome to the club (membership cards will come in the mail). Also, thanks for reporting back (so many don't so we never know if anything happened and if it was a good or a bad experience). Didn't realize that you were so close, either (Sacramento foothills here). Glad that the board could be of some help. If there is anything else you need, the board is here for you both.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Starting late; THANKS for the update! I'm soooo thrilled to hear it went so well for you and your wife! Fantastic times!

 

Yes, it definitely uncorks the sex drive and gets us screwing like bunnies This is a very common, and very wonderful outcome!

 

My wife and I too wanted to have closer friendships rather than single time hookups. We haven't been to a swing club in over ten years. It's gone well for us. I can go well for you too!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

19 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

 I can go well for you too!

Wish I could edit that post. Should say "It can go..." 😕