my wife with another man

[Numex 2,459]

Two thoughts that have been on my mind.

 

We had dinner with a vanilla married couple we know, and they are unaware that we are in the lifestyle. My wife Daniela and Samantha have been friend for some time. One thing that they share is that earlier in their lives, they were adulteresses with married men. Daniela with a number, Samantha with two, but with one of whom she had a baby at the age of twenty-four. She had a second child at the age of 36 with her now husband. We husbands both remarked that there is a type of woman that does this, a culture of being the other woman. The way they view these men, treat the wives respectfully, the way they see themselves.

 

Any comments? My only rule when we decided that monogamy was not for Daniela was/is no married men unless the wife knows and agrees, which Daniela now likes better, having the wife involved.

[njbm 2,901]

We steer clear of this arrangement. But if a lifestyler plays with a married lifestyler with their spouse ‘s consent, I see no ethical problem.

 

It seems to me that most females mistresses wind up with the short end of the stick, no pun intended. 

[AdamGunn2 418]

Numex, the phenomenon of the mistress has a long history. Before modern times, the rationale for the woman was one of two things: The more common was that being a mistress could reap financial benefits (kept woman.) The other was that there was a shortage of men, so in order to get sex, the single woman had to sleep with a married man. This was particularly evident during war time - see the myriad of stories and movies about women during World War II, for example.

 

But now, things have changed. Women have rights and privileges they didn't have before the sixties, and effective birth control is available.

 

I think that if a woman decides to become a mistress (as opposed to a third in a triad or a prostitute,) she might find the man very alluring, possibly powerful. For an example of this see The Sopranos. Or she has made a decision that marriage is not for her, at least at the moment, and she dislikes sleeping around. In that case, a married man would be very safe - he probably won't want to divorce his wife.

 

All of this presupposes that the wife of the married man is either unaware of his philandering,  or she chooses to ignore it for some reason, such as not being willing to destroy the family, or she can't divorce without economic penalties. 

 

I would suppose that the number of women willing to be mistresses in the current age in Western countries is quite low, just one or two percent of all women. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Cheating is not and never has been swinging. Swinging is something that you do WITH your partner, cheating is something that you do without your partner's knowledge and without caring about their feelings.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

We met a couple on Gunnison Beach and had two play dates as couples. At the end of the 2nd play date we were asked if my wife plays alone (yes), and afterward she continued seeing them as a unicorn for several months.

 

Additionally, she dates single men 1 on 1 and has even gone on weekends- and week-long vacations - alone with them.  With my full support and blessing.

 

So to @AdamGunn2 point, women are no longer mistresses bc of financial arrangements. Today they have the freedom and independence to do as they please. In the Lifestyle the demand for ladies FAR surpasses the demand for men, so Lifestyle wives (like mine) are being mistresses/unicorns simply because they enjoy it and they are very much desired.

[AdamGunn2 418]

51 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Cheating is not and never has been swinging. Swinging is something that you do WITH your partner, cheating is something that you do without your partner's knowledge and without caring about their feelings.

Gold, I don't disagree with you, but in saying "without caring about their feelings", you may be a bit harsh.  I believe there are many instances where a woman or man is placed in a situation of great temptation and they succumb, even while knowing they could be hurting their relationship, their spouse.  Yes, some people cheat on a regular basis without caring, but many do care - the temptation is simply too much.

[ConfusedHubby 129]

3 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

We met a couple on Gunnison Beach and had two play dates as couples. At the end of the 2nd play date we were asked if my wife plays alone (yes), and afterward she continued seeing them as a unicorn for several months.

I'm just curious--do inquiries like this bother you?  We don't need to be in the same room, but don't do the separate play thing...  if we did though I don't think I could help myself from taking that question as a personal rejection...  "can you stay home?  We just want her."

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

21 minutes ago, ConfusedHubby said:

I'm just curious--do inquiries like this bother you?  We don't need to be in the same room, but don't do the separate play thing...  if we did though I don't think I could help myself from taking that question as a personal rejection...  "can you stay home?  We just want her."

I know that's how it sounds, but we had mentioned to them that my wife sometimes plays and dates alone, so I took it less as an insult to me and more like they were a couple who (finally) saw a chance at having 3ways with a sexy, experienced lady.  I'm 100% comfortable with her playing without me, and honestly it really turns me on so as long as my wife is on board then so am I.

 

But i think my point to my earlier ramble is this:
Lifestyle wives with supportive husbands are happy with the "mistress" role because they simply enjoy dating. They enjoy being desired, being taken to nice places, being doted upon.   Like any date, they are in charge of whether or not there will be sex but if there is good chemistry with their date they enjoy the sex too.  In a Lifestyle situation like ours, our wives can enjoy being the 'mistress' for all the right reasons.

[Numex 2,459]

On 11/27/2023 at 7:20 AM, njbm said:

most females mistresses wind up with the short end of the stick

Daniela knew exactly what she was doing and liked the arrangement because of its limitations.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 7:54 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

the rationale for the woman was one of two things: The more common was that being a mistress could reap financial benefits (kept woman.) The other was that there was a shortage of men, so in order to get sex, the single woman had to sleep with a married man.

For Daniela, it was not a matter of money. She earned as much or more than the men with whom she had relationships and would often pay for their undertakings and bought gifts for their wives for the husband to give them. Nor did she have a lack of available potential romantic or sexual partners. Daniela just found satisfaction in putting herself in the middle of a couple’s marriage and sexual relationship.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 7:54 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

if a woman decides to become a mistress (as opposed to a third in a triad

Basically, that’s what my wife does now in our closed group of swinging married couples and likes it more – not only having a relationship with a married man, but having the wife know and participate. Daniela is bi and has always had girl-girl relationships going in parallel.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 7:54 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

she has made a decision that marriage is not for her, at least at the moment, and she dislikes sleeping around. In that case, a married man would be very safe - he probably won't want to divorce his wife.

Very true. Daniela said that married men were safe in every way – violence (most are pussy whipped), STDs, know the limits of the relationship, sex and possible romance and love, but never marriage.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 7:54 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

All of this presupposes that the wife of the married man is either unaware of his philandering,  or she chooses to ignore it for some reason

Daniela always wanted to and demanded to meet the wives with the husband’s help, but in a surreptitious way without them knowing what was going on, like “accidentally” running into the wife in her coffeeshop on a Saturday morning. Conversations would ensue and they would get to know each other. Daniela would learn intimacies of the marriage from the other side. Somehow, Daniela found that fulfilling. Only once did a wife figure it out. Daniela and the husband arranged to be at a professional meeting where the husband brought his wife along and introduced her. Eventually his wife concluded that they had something going on by “the way you look at her.” She told Daniela that she knew and let the relationship continue. I did for more than another year, and she and the wife are still friends, in contact, even sent us a wedding gift.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 7:54 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

I would suppose that the number of women willing to be mistresses in the current age in Western countries is quite low, just one or two percent of all women.

I don’t know, but it seems to me that the married man/single woman relationship is common enough to be a cliché. 

 

On 11/27/2023 at 9:31 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Cheating is not and never has been swinging. Swinging is something that you do WITH your partner, cheating is something that you do without your partner's knowledge and without caring about their feelings.

I totally agree and that is why when I told my wife that she could play however she wanted and I would be monogamous with her but no married men.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 10:00 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

At the end of the 2nd play date we were asked if my wife plays alone (yes), and afterward she continued seeing them as a unicorn for several months.

That is the arrangement that Daniela likes the most, playing alone with another couple, the third in a marriage, to be a friend, a confidant, a romantic partner, a sex object.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 10:00 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

she dates single men 1 on 1 and has even gone on weekends- and week-long vacations - alone with them.  With my full support and blessing.

We both have gone off alone with others from our group on long weekends and vacations. It is one of the best parts of our overall arrangent with these couples.

 

On 11/27/2023 at 1:35 PM, ConfusedHubby said:

do inquiries like this bother you?  We don't need to be in the same room, but don't do the separate play thing...  if we did though I don't think I could help myself from taking that question as a personal rejection...  "can you stay home?  We just want her."

We started with me suggesting that Daniela play alone with not married men. Hotwifing as they call it here. She started with single exes (separately) who she had had sex with and enjoyed before because it was comfortable for all of us. Daniela because she knew them and felt safe. Me because she had fucked them before and it was no big deal to me for them to do it again. The guys because Daniela is attractive and a good lay. We met socially so we all had a common understanding of what it was about, then they could make their plans.

 

 

The point of this post was that there seems to be a culture, mentality, a role that women like my wife and Samantha put themselves in knowingly to be that “woman on the side.”

[Numex 2,459]

On 11/26/2023 at 3:17 PM, Numex said:

Two thoughts that have been on my mind.

Somehow the rest of this post, my second thought, never got posted, although I saw it there when I originally wrote this thing.

 

Anyway, something that Daniela did early in our relationship sticks in my mind and keeps popping into my head. We have always been very open about our past romantic and sexual relationships. We both like telling and hearing stories about those encounters that we both had, the good ones. It is foreplay for us. It was perhaps our third date and our relationship was quickly becoming serious, but we hadn’t yet had sex. After dinner and a play, we went back to Daniela’s place. There was the chance, the opportunity that it would go further, but despite my desires, I didn’t pursue it. My concern was that I didn’t want Daniela to think that all my attention to her was simply to get into her pants.

We kissed and parted that evening, but Daniela told me later that she was expecting and hoping for sex. I had left her unsatisfied, so she called up and went to see a male friend of hers that she had never had sex with, went to his place and fucked him all night. When Daniela told me about that during one of our storytimes, shortly before we got married, it bothered me a little, but turns me on a lot. Bothers me that it should have been me fucking my future wife instead of some undeserving guy, but turns me on because she needed it so bad because of me and gave him vigorous sex on my behalf.  I love having a wife that loves sex, is full of life, and goes after it.

Any thoughts?
 

[couplers 4,717]

On 11/27/2023 at 10:26 AM, AdamGunn2 said:

there are many instances where a woman or man is placed in a situation of great temptation and they succumb, even while knowing they could be hurting their relationship, their spouse.  Yes, some people cheat on a regular basis without caring, but many do care - the temptation is simply too much.

That was the somewhat dangerous game that I played with a married man.  I let him touch me, but never went beyond that.  My poly family knew, but I wouldn't move ahead without his wife's consent.

 

Fortunately, I did finally get the opportunity to discuss it with her and she was eager to do it.  So we've played with them several times now.

[couplers 4,717]

10 hours ago, Numex said:

My concern was that I didn’t want Daniela to think that all my attention to her was simply to get into her pants.

We kissed and parted that evening, but Daniela told me later that she was expecting and hoping for sex. I had left her unsatisfied, so she called up and went to see a male friend of hers that she had never had sex with, went to his place and fucked him all night.

An interesting story, but as a (often horny) woman, I see nothing wrong with that.

 

"Reclaiming sex" between spouses is spoken of here, making the reconnection after playing with others.  There should also be the concept of "transitional sex" where people who don't have romantic partners, only casual sex, fall in love and establish an emotional connection, all the while still getting their casual sex satisfaction.  Sorting out the love and sex future dynamics between them.

[AdamGunn2 418]

1 hour ago, couplers said:

There should also be the concept of "transitional sex" where people who don't have romantic partners, only casual sex, fall in love and establish an emotional connection, all the while still getting their casual sex satisfaction.  Sorting out the love and sex future dynamics between them.

Isn't that called 'dating'?   LOL

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

It sounds like both of you are fine with what she does/did...and so that is swinging. The problem is with the other men. I doubt if the wives are aware of their husbands extra curricular activities and, while there are exceptions to the rule, most wives will consider this cheating, at least for their husbands participation. This then leads to a very explosive possibility and can cause more than a few very large problems down the road. Most wives will blame the other woman and take their anger out on them. Then there is the possibility of being dragged into court during the divorce proceedings, etc.

 

Risk vs. reward: seems like a lot of risk for not much reward...especially when there are so many men that are willing to volunteer on swinger websites (of course, that doesn't mean that they are single either).

[couplers 4,717]

22 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

Isn't that called 'dating'?

Yes, for many young people dating and sex are less formal.  My suggestion, however, is for couples who are becoming emotionally involved, falling in love, and potentially marrying is not to become monogamous, only to struggle with a later transition into the lifestyle, but rather to

 

23 hours ago, couplers said:

establish an emotional connection, all the while still getting their casual sex satisfaction. 

Don't let pairing up, love and marriage, make you think that you must become monogamous.  You're not, the love of your life is not, so establish your relationship on lifestyle grounds from the beginning rather than going against nature, being unhappy, and struggling with the transition back to an open sexual relationship, whatever that may be.  Deal with it up front.

[couplers 4,717]

17 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Risk vs. reward: seems like a lot of risk for not much reward...especially when there are so many men that are willing to volunteer

Agreed.  The question is why do young, single women do this (more than one would expect) when, as you say, there are unattached men out there?  As posters have pointed out, it is almost always a dead end for the other woman.  Is it the thrill of the risk, or some deeper psychological reason?

 

The OP was right to insist that his wife give up this type of play activity.  A question is what made her decide to switch sexual stategies and get married, albeit while getting into ethical non-monogamy? 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2023 by couplers

[Numex 2,459]

On 11/28/2023 at 6:54 PM, Numex said:

My concern was that I didn’t want Daniela to think that all my attention to her was simply to get into her pants.

We kissed and parted that evening, but Daniela told me later that she was expecting and hoping for sex. I had left her unsatisfied, so she called up and went to see a male friend of hers that she had never had sex with, went to his place and fucked him all night. When Daniela told me about that during one of our storytimes, shortly before we got married, it bothered me a little,

In retrospect, this made Daniela more attractive to me. 

 

On 11/30/2023 at 5:12 AM, couplers said:

A question is what made her decide to switch sexual strategies and get married, albeit while getting into ethical non-monogamy? 

Two reasons: She loved me unlike the other men with whom she had relationships, even romantic ones. She wanted children, or at least a child and saw how I treated my children with my ex-wife, and how I treated my ex-wife in that regard. And a bonus reason, after we married I was fine with her playing again.