Marriedandcurious

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

My husband for years keeps bringing up swinging.

I was raised Mormon and the purity culture has really messed me up sexually in the sense that I am just now learning to embrace my sexuality in my 40's.

He's done the lifestyle before. I honestly find it very enticing but I have so many reservations. We play a lot in bed. We have an amazing sex life. He fantasizes a lot about watching me with another man while also him joining in at some point. I have been with two men before so it's not a completely new idea for me.

I do not have the same desire, as in seeing him with someone else. I do believe at some point I could get there but I am not there currently. (Over here recognizing my holdbacks...purity culture, monogamy, jealousy, being cheated on in the past)

My one request was let's go to a club together...have zero expectations, still have rules in place, but let me see if it's even an environment I could be comfortable in before I get gung ho about us looking for potential playmates. His fantasy would be easy for me to fulfill...as I've said... I've done it before but as soon as I give him the go ahead to get us registered for an upcoming event, he's pressuring me to try a soft swing...telling me that this should be our goal.

I am no where near ready to dive in head first.

 

I am trying to learn all I can about why people do this lifestyle and how it does not destroy relationships. I want to go in fully prepared but also know that it may not be for me (because purity culture has messed me up.)

 

But I feel the only way to truly know is to go to a club and talk to people and get a feel for the vibe.

When I said this he wanted to shut down the entire idea because he says I'm not ready. He may be right OR he could be very wrong. I honestly think I can not truly decide for myself until I get my feet wet making the initial step...an appearance at a club.

I keep telling him to want zero expectations at this point as it could go both ways for me.

I know he's wanting to make sure I'm ready but I feel like I can not be ready UNLESS I go first. Is this an unreasonable request? Or is he right? I've read in a lot of places the person that's requesting the lifestyle should allow their partners their fantasies UNTIL they are comfortable and want to see their lovers doing the same.

I do not want to say I'm feeling pressured because I know it's not intentional on his part. He's just very excited that I am willing to be open-minded...but it was suppose to be adding another male to start off. Now it's "we should soft swing."

I'm frustrated because I truly feel excitement at the thought of trying new things but I do not want to not take these first steps that I feel will help me learn one way or the other that this lifestyle could work for both of us.i just wanna get a taste of what these clubs are like first.

[PeterJ 940]

6 hours ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

…My one request was let's go to a club together...have zero expectations, still have rules in place, but let me see if it's even an environment I could be comfortable in before I get gung ho about us looking for potential playmates...But I feel the only way to truly know is to go to a club and talk to people and get a feel for the vibe.

When I said this he wanted to shut down the entire idea because he says I'm not ready.

 

Is this an unreasonable request? I do not want to say I'm feeling pressured because I know it's not intentional on his part.

CMW, from my perspective your request to make a "just looking around" visit to a club as your first stop on your (prospective) journey is not just reasonable, it’s wise. And it would be very wise for your husband, who is perhaps currently overwhelmed by a desire to "put the pedal to metal", to throttle back and let your joint exploration proceed at a pace and in a fashion that you find comfortable.

 

Oh, and because your the pressure you feel from your husband isn’t intentional on his part, you are still feeling pressure. Perhaps you could gently but with clarity suggest to him that if he can be patient for a while he’ll be more likely to ultimately experience the outcome he desires.

[couplers 4,614]

7 hours ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

 

I was raised Mormon and the purity culture has really messed me up sexually

I was raised by stict Catholic parents, and although there wasn't a name for it, it was what you call "purity culture," sex with a man, and only a man, only once you are married.  My advice is to work your way out of that mentality starting immediately.  There is an entire wonderful world awaiting you. 

 

Fortunately, you have a husband who wants you to do so.  Tell him, however, that it needs to be at your pace and in your way: clubs? house parties? a couple from a lifestyle website? something else? 

 

You write about jealousy.  That was my bête noire.  I had no problem with me having sex with other men (so much for my purity), but it bothered me tremendously that my guys would.  You say, however, that your husband wants to see you with other men, which proves how each of us sees this differently.  Perhaps you start your play and become comfortable before he gets with another woman. 

 

Try to explain to your husband and have him understand how you need to approach your adventure.  Good luck on your journey. 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2023 by couplers

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First rule: you should only move at the pace the slowest member is comfortable with. This was (and is) one of our original rules (and should be one of everyone's rules). That he is trying to pressure you says HE is not ready yet. One of the big things about swinging is that you care more about your partner's enjoyment than your wants.

 

Second rule: if one of you says no, then both of you are saying no, with no explanation necessary. This includes everything including not wanting to do this any longer. If Ms. Gold or I wanted to stop, all we need to say is that we wanted to stop and we would. Just knowing that what we did was more than either of us ever expected is incredible enough.

 

As for jealousy: If you have an abundance of love, trust and communication, jealousy doesn't seem to be able to rear its ugly head. Add that into the two above rules and there is usually no pressure, no stress, no worry...just a really unbelievable experience.

 

No matter what happens, you both need to realize that you hold all of the cards and pressuring you will only lead to a quicker 'no, you don't want to do this'. Keep the communication open and let us know how things progress.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Thank you all for your responses. I am looking forward to more. I keep telling him I need him to slow down. I think you are right though. I feel pressured probably because of his approach with me. Our mindsets are in different places. I am working hard to heal the purity culture damage. It will not happen over night. I do know that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Invite him here and keep the communication between you two flowing.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

We are continuously talking daily about it. I'm really nervous, really excited, but really nervous. I have moments where I think I'll be fine and moments where I'm worried. It's all new to me...I think that's the scary part. I also have no idea how I will react seeing my husband with someone else. I wanna be fully prepared because I know I am very turned on by it all but find myself reminding myself regularly this is for fun and that it will be fun! 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Baby steps...maybe next consider going to a club with the understanding that NOTHING will happen (except maybe between the two of you). This way you can see how you will feel but not end up jumping into the deep end of the pool.

[Courteous1970 172]

On 12/1/2023 at 11:51 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Invite him here and keep the communication between you two flowing.

I agree.  Have him come into the forum and talk to us.  My wife and I are similar to you in that I have had adventurous sex and learned I have a high capacity for it while she grew up Catholic.  The thought of non-monogamy to her was totally taboo.  We talked about playing with others for a long time and the thought of it excited me so much.  I kept asking her, “let’s stop talking and just do it.”  She hen it happened organically with a girlfriend.  And then we played with a guy friend, whom we still play with.  
I look back on our 10+ years and realize I put too much pressure on her early on.  It put a lot of strain on us over the years.  We are in a great place now.  But go into this with eyes wide open, BOTH of you.  Have him talk through it with us.

[Courteous1970 172]

Question for you CMW, what is the IDEAL scenario for you?  A 3rd guy and all of you together?  A solo with a guy while he watches?  You with a solo guy while your husband is in another room?  Why the idea of a club or party vs finding a solo or couple in an environment you have total control over like a hotel room?  Think through what would make you feel most comfortable, bounce it off us if you aren’t sure.  We will all have ideas on what we think is the most comfortable way to ease into the lifestyle.

[BiloxiBiMaleMMF 63]

I see that CCM was "last on" 26 Jan butt that he last reply was around 7 Dec.

 

Sure hope she's still THINKING ABOUT all this especially given all the great advice I see written above bi what appears to be "active swinging couples."

 

Ironically, it was my wife who got ME into "coed nudity."  We were stationed in Japan, me at sea, her ashore and as a "service wife" she met other wives, DoD teachers and even missionaries that took her to Japanese "hot springs" where coed nudity was no big deal.  Bi the time I was able to go, she had been several times....and we LOVED it!

 

While we were dating, I referred her to Ruth 1:16 which my sister had shown me as THE CRITERIA for a wife.  You should read it completely butt the gist is "your people shall be my people" and she claimed she believed it.  We have a wedding picture of our newly "ringed" hands bi that verse.  Chris Rock has an exaggerated vernacular version along the same lines.

 

I won't go into WHY (I think) she changed her mind butt suffice it to say she did.  We went from fucking like rabbits to rarely fucking at all....R movies to NO movies rated R.  After TWO DECADES (~1988- ~ 2008)...I just gave up.  We stopped fucking about the same time and I started shaving all over as a continuing nudist.  Thanks to a couple of nudist camps in Florida and a trip to Burning Man....she understands "smooth nude."

 

A former friend, colleague, (blah blah blah) once angrily yelled at me that I "really believed all those motto's etched in stone and cast in bronze."  I did and still do.  So the "till death do us part" still means something to me tho her "promise" (re R1:16) fell bi the wayside a long LONG time ago.  SEX (and LOTS OF SEX) is historically VERY PREVALENT in virtually all walks of life.  As Jimmy Buffet's eloquent lyrics state, "there's a THIN LINE between Saturday night and Sunday Morning!"  Likewise is (IMHO) the distinction between "covet" and SHARING.  Many a Biblical figure had more than one wife OR (even more frequently) had a child bi another woman (or another man).

 

The original plan was for us to all run around naked and garden.

 

It's why I have such a profound ADMIRATION for the COUPLES who SHARE such PLEASURES TOGETHER. 

 

Hard to know WHAT CCM is thinking between 7 Dec and 26 Jan butt I sure hope she CUMS back to share a JOYFUL experience with her hubby in whatever form it takes place (full swap MfmF or MMFF, or MFM or MMF or FFM) and AGREES that she "took her time" and that "IT WAS WONDERFUL."

 

 

She's lucky that so many OF YOU pitched in to help her.

[Aphroditee 323]

On 11/29/2023 at 11:44 PM, curiousmarriedwoman said:

I am trying to learn all I can about why people do this lifestyle and how it does not destroy relationships....

 

But I feel the only way to truly know is to go to a club and talk to people and get a feel for the vibe...I feel like I can not be ready UNLESS I go first. Is this an unreasonable request? Or is he right? 

You are absolutely fine to make this request.  If this is what you feel you need you should follow your gut.  He needs to understand that and be supportive, otherwise, he is risking his marriage.   And to be honest the club scene can be overwhelming, so asking to check it out with no expectations is smart.  

 

As for the research you are looking for on how swinging does not destroy relationships.  There are several research studies done on swinging and what they have found is it often does damage relationships.  But if you start from a place of openess and honesty you can enjoy the sexual freedom without damaging your relationship.  Do not expect swinging to improve your relationship or to make you closer cause all the studies agreed that no marriage is strengthened by swinging.  The best case scenario is you and you husband remain at the same level you are at currently.  Bet it requires maturity, mutual respect for boundaries and honest communication.   In my opinion if he's already pressuring you to go past the one boundary you've already set it does node bode well for the future.  Hopefully he sees this and backs down.  

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Aphroditee; would you mind showing us what studies you are referring to?

[Numex 2,409]

My advice is to your husband. What worked for me and my wife was telling her that she could be non-monogamous on her terms, that I wasn't looking to be with another woman or even get anything out of it other than her being happy. I gave her total control over the way we went on this adventure. I confirmed this several times when we weren't engaged in sex.

 

So my advice is if your husband wants for you two to get into the lifestyle, to let you take the lead and do whatever it is that you want. He shouldn't criticize what you do (even things you do that you don't do with him), who you do it with, when (before your husband, after your husband), where (a hotel, in your bed at home), how often, or whether you want to be alone or with you husband watching or participating. It will make you comfortable in the lifestyle and give him the most exciting and satisfying journey of his life.

 

After a short time, my wife enjoyed it so much and enjoyed the lifestyle that she wanted me to play as well.