I am going to my first party in less than a month...

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

First...what do I wear? I really want to look hot as I know it will help us find a couple.

Second...I am super friendly, I can be funny at times, I'm very social and can be very flirty, but I'm worried because it's my first time. What are things I need to know? What do people talk about at these events besides sex? I do not want to make a fool of myself. I would like to make a good impression in the community and I want to be prepared. Any advice is welcome please. Help a girl out over here. Thank you in advance. It's like being a virgin all over again and it terrifies me.

[NC_Seniors 519]

After introductions, the conversation will likely include where you live, how long you’ve been married, what kind of work you do, if you have children, … it’s *not* all sex.

Then the first or second question you’ll (almost certainly) be asked is how long you’ve been in the LifeStyle.

The second or first question you’ll be asked is if this your first foray to a club or LifeStyle event.

The third question will likely be if you’re soft or full swap.

The (possible) fourth question will then come … “Would you like to join us in a playroom?”

Just be open and honest with your answers. Veteran swingers were ALL newbies at one point … they know what you’re experiencing and (most) won’t pressure you. If someone does, just walk away. And here’s the most important thing! If you *do* decide to join them, tell them your boundaries before the door closes behind you. If you’re prepared to only have same bed sex, say so. If you’re prepared for full intercourse, say so. Or anywhere in between, say so. Then stick to your boundaries and don’t be pushed beyond them.

We’re sure that people on here with years more experience than we have no doubt can tell you far more.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Thank you for all of this. I feel I can use as much help as I can get.

 

I realize people are all there for the same thing...but how do you know if there is a good connection between all of you? 

 

I have zero expectations for my first visit...in fact I honestly just want to get a feel for the environment and the vibe. I can very easily go with the flow once I'm comfortable. 

 

Unlike my husband I do need some sort of attraction to have sex with anyone. Is this normal for most people? I've done plenty of friends with benefits and never got attached so I am not worried about that part but truly I am very nervous. 

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

Simply be open to having the experience. Allow yourself to make up your mind quickly or not at all. I was at a house party where the hostess said," We all know that Yes means   Yes and No means No. Yet please say Yes as often as you can."

 

I've been with men at a house party that were more than a pleasant surprise in the sex department. Be open to the experience.

 

 

Edited December 5, 2023 by KatrinaandDriverX

[William2001 53]

I think it is quite alright to be a little nervous for your first time going out. No matter how it goes, just remember to enjoy yourself. It might be a big first step but would imagine that you have taken a lot of first steps in your life, this is just another one... Relax, have a drink (Not too Many..!) Be honest and open to the whole experience.

 

One more comment. We all want to be liked and even loved. You sound like you deserve to be both liked and loved... 🥰

[TnA83 314]

What to wear... I would say be sexy, but on your first event, don't break out the slutwear unless you really own it, are used to wearing that sort of thing.  I think the vibe you would put out as a newbie would look foolish.  Get a few parties/clubs under your belt before showing up in lingerie.  You're kind of at a disadvantage having never been to a party before, much less what the general attire is for that group.

 

The parties and clubs that I've been to have been just like vanilla parties where people open up by making small talk about kids, dogs, jobs and what we do for fun.  If you're fun, flirty and outgoing, you will do fine.

 

Maybe bring the slutwear in your bag and change into it when you get there and see what the others are wearing.

Edited December 5, 2023 by TnA83
thought added

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

I'm definitely thinking pleather shiny pants, rhinestone boots, a satin type top with something lacy over it. I am not someone that wears lingerie so that is something I will have to work towards. This comment is very helpful. Thank you!

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Quote

Unlike my husband I do need some sort of attraction to have sex with anyone. Is this normal for most people?

Yes, for us it is. We are looking for friends that we can get naked with, but the friendship comes first (but that's just us). We have a pre-arranged code phrase that lets the other know that we are not interested. If either of us says it, we politely say it was nice to meet whoever we are talking to and hope to maybe see them later (or some other polite way to say bye) and move on...

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

My husband is being so back and forth and when I think I'm ready he is trying to push me further so I think we are stopping this all now. It's very frustrating for me. Thank you all for your advice and kindness here.

[TnA83 314]

23 hours ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

I'm definitely thinking pleather shiny pants, rhinestone boots, a satin type top with something lacy over it. I am not someone that wears lingerie so that is something I will have to work towards. This comment is very helpful. Thank you!

You'll knock 'em dead!

[njbm 2,901]

Here is my advice. When we first went to house parties, I wanted to swap with other couples only. Two reasons: I wanted to keep an eye on my wife, and at the beginning I was quite overweight and I was riding my very attractive wife’s coat tails. On my own, I was winding up with the coffee cake in the living room, while the whole party wanted to do my wife. 
 

After we got more experience and I lost 50 pounds, I realized that at house parties we did not have to achieve the elusive four way match. We each could find someone with whom to play. Easier!

 

Also, it may not be a bad idea to have ONE drink after you get there to take the edge off. Definitely not a place to get drunk, but one drink can help with nerves. Have fun, be open and receptive, but no means no and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Do not do anything until you are on the exact same page...not a close page or even a page that has a bunch of the same words on it. THE SAME PAGE. He should NOT be pressuring you to do anything and he needs to know that pressure is just going to make everything END. I'm sure he is excited that you are even considering doing this, but he should be overwhelmingly grateful that you are considering doing this...and it should be noted that you are considering doing this TOGETHER. You should both be as one mind with this. Until he understands that, you shouldn't be moving forward.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Yep. I keep telling him I need to go at my pace and he is being ridiculous so I'm pretty sure I'm done with it all until he can slow tf down. He tells me I need to do more research and he's done this before so if we go to the party we are suppose to have sex with other people sooooo it's not happening. Even though I clearly stated if we both felt comfortable that night we could renegotiate terms. Apparently he forgot the most important rule. No means no. He tells me we can not just go and observe because people expect it because it's why they are there. So yeah as excited as I was to take this adventure he had ruined every step I have taken to prepare myself for what I thought was going to get a really fun experience. I'm so frustrated right now because I have told him for years I would never even consider this until I went to a party to see if it's something I could really do. 

Thank you for validating my feelings.

[njbm 2,901]

41 minutes ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

Yep. I keep telling him I need to go at my pace and he is being ridiculous so I'm pretty sure I'm done with it all until he can slow tf down. He tells me I need to do more research and he's done this before so if we go to the party we are suppose to have sex with other people sooooo it's not happening. Even though I clearly stated if we both felt comfortable that night we could renegotiate terms. Apparently he forgot the most important rule. No means no. He tells me we can not just go and observe because people expect it because it's why they are there. So yeah as excited as I was to take this adventure he had ruined every step I have taken to prepare myself for what I thought was going to get a really fun experience. I'm so frustrated right now because I have told him for years I would never even consider this until I went to a party to see if it's something I could really do. 

Thank you for validating my feelings.

Tell you husband to chill out, but I recommend that you do go to the party and see what’s happening. You certainly don’t have to play. But if he is that excited about it, it would be nice if you checked it out. You may like it more than him. Team play applies to both of you. 

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

I have told him a million times if I do not take this first step I will go no farther at all ever. It's what I need to see if my comfort level will jive which I'm almost positive it will but he refuses to do this my way until I'm comfortable so it has to be a no or I will regret all of this. He's already showing signs of jealousy...accusing me of secret texting behind his back. Honestly it's bullsh!t because HE wants this. He keeps pushing it. I never asked for any of my fantasies to be fulfilled involving other people. I am very happy with our sex life....in fact we have an amazing sex life. Did I think this could be a fun new adventure..? Absolutely yes but he has ruined it for me by pushing any and all boundaries I try to set EVEN IF I say that they are negotiable...telling me I need to get a clue about this lifestyle. I'm learning everything I can and what he is doing is NOTHING like how people live in this lifestyle so it's not going to go further until he settles down 

Edited December 6, 2023 by curiousmarriedwoman

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

On a side note I REALLY WANT TO GO! I was super excited to actually be doing this but it's been stomped out of me at this point. 

[NC_Seniors 519]

We went to a club or house party and had sex only with each other at least half a dozen times before ever hooking up, and even that one was a pre-arranged meeting with a couple that had reached out to us on SLS. We talked on the phone with them weeks ahead, then met them in our hotel room that afternoon for an hour of drinks and conversation, then spent 2-3 hours with them at the club that night before finally going to a playroom and having our first swap.
 
At the house party venue we were attending around that time, we met a couple who said they *never* played with others there. They just enjoyed the sexy atmosphere of conversation and dancing; of her and the other females dressing so sexy; of some of the women showing off their breasts; of the porn playing on the TVs scattered around the house; and of getting to watch live sex when people would leave the playroom door open.

 

If your husband is saying that *everybody* who goes to a lifestyle event is having sex with others, he’s at least ignorant … or he’s simply telling you that trying to get his way. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING SLOWLY!!!

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

I told him he needed to go to some of these forums himself to see that he was wrong.

 

So I have to ask as you seem very advanced in this lifestyle...how do you not get jealous or feel inadequate? This is the part I am struggling with. I want to do this for the right reasons and as of now I feel my husband is wanting it for all the wrong reasons so I straight told him if he wants to have sex with other women then do it but I will move on with my life because it absolutely does not feel like a together thing right now. This way he can have the life he wants and I can move in to where I am feeling more valued and respected. He says if he wanted just sex he could go find it. That's not what he wants. And duh...sex is easy to find. But then why does he need to be so pushy? The whole idea is now gone in my mind because he wants to be pushy. I am a pretty woman. I've had 5 kids so I'm a bit insecure about my stomach but I think in the right atmosphere and setting surrounded with like minded people that could all just dissipate as things get heated but the jealousy...how do you get over that part? I also some people do not feel jealousy but I am not one of those people.

[lcmim 1,086]

Comparing yourself to others is of no value.

Think of jealousy as 'Fear of loss". If you have this fear do not play.

 

I think what you are feeling is the norm. ( First date jitters. First day in a college dorm. The intimidating tall slide at a water park, the first time.) You will survive.

 

 A smile given often and genuinely is your most important asset. It makes you approachable.

 

NJBM said: "You may like it more than him. "

This also is a common experience.

 The common wisdom is that the husbands bring most into the LS. They stay because of the wife. 

 

 

There is a certain amount of empowerment that goes along with having PROOF that, you, body "imperfections" and all , attract  more than a sufficient amount of male attention.

The men are the ones that often have to learn that they , at times , are the ones left at loose ends, or have to adjust to having their wife screaming from the attention of another guy.

 

How would your husband handle THAT??

You may need to do a bit of support therapy . 

 

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Well we had potential playmates. Both people very attractive. He went from wanting to full swing to all the sudden only soft swinging...to then blaming me for stepping back when I realized he was uncomfortable. I was so comfortable with them in fact that I gave him full permission to flirt with her as we were all in a group chat together. He made me end it all. Okay. I did. He then bullies me saying I'm not ready. We got into a huge fight...says he does not want to be friends with people...but I do. It is where I get my safety sharing him. I have to like the woman. (Personality wise) I discovered this through getting to know them a bit. As I'm growing in this experience he is totally losing his mind and projecting all his issues onto me saying it's my fault. He talks to me about honesty and how I'm not being honest about what I want...but he did not have the balls to tell me until later that he would not swing with that man if you paid him. I honestly thinks he thinks the other man was too good looking and it intimidated him but his wife was equally as attractive. (This is just my assumption...not fact.)

Last night when I got home from work he accused me of still texting this couple which he saw I ended it in our group chat for the time being and if I was, that was cheating and it would end our marriage if he found out. 

I would never betray our marriage which is why in the beginning I struggled with this entire concept of swinging so there are so many issues he obviously has that he can not even admit to him self and all he does is project it on to me and blames me for all of it. 

I'm so angry over this entire situation because it could have turned out to be very fun and exciting but now I no longer care to be involved as I do not feel his intentions are in the right place anymore. Yet I'm the one screwing it all up. 

He's supposedly got all this experience and here I am trying to learn everything I can. He apparently wants it to be just sex and no connections. Well some of us have to feel some kind of attraction/connection to even have sex with another person. It does not mean I will have feelings. I did friends with benefits many times before and never got attached so I'm fully capable but he keeps insisting he knows everything about this lifestyle so for now it's safe to say this adventure has come to a complete halt.

 

Edited December 6, 2023 by curiousmarriedwoman

[lcmim 1,086]

He sounds deeply conflicted. That needs to be straightened out first.

 

He may just have shot himself in the foot on this.  

 

We both like getting feelings going. It has not ever cost either of us anything.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Deeply conflicted or extremely controlling. He wants me to do this his way or no way so it will be no way. I am not willing to do anything outside of my comfort zone and I'm fine with it at this point 

He is the one that likes to talk about me being DP'd knowing I've done it before and he always asks if I'd do it again cause he wants it for he. He wants to see me get pleasured by another man but low and behold...we have to swing cause then it's not fair to him. I never asked for any of this. When I finally agreed to it he then demanded we full on swing knowing I was not ready to bring another woman in. I knew I would get there eventually but everything has been twisted and turned to be my fault. I never asked to swing at all or to go outside of our marriage to fulfill our fantasies. He did and he's using it against me because I am not exactly where he is sexually and I am not ready to just start banging to bang. It's such bullshit!t in my opinion. 

 

[lovefest04 701]

1 hour ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

Well we had potential playmates. Both people very attractive. He went from wanting to full swing to all the sudden only soft swinging...to then blaming me for stepping back when I realized he was uncomfortable. I was so comfortable with them in fact that I gave him full permission to flirt with her as we were all in a group chat together. He made me end it all. Okay. I did. He then bullies me saying I'm not ready. We got into a huge fight...says he does not want to be friends with people...but I do. It is where I get my safety sharing him. I have to like the woman. (Personality wise) I discovered this through getting to know them a bit. As I'm growing in this experience he is totally losing his mind and projecting all his issues onto me saying it's my fault. He talks to me about honesty and how I'm not being honest about what I want...but he did not have the balls to tell me until later that he would not swing with that man if you paid him. I honestly thinks he thinks the other man was too good looking and it intimidated him but his wife was equally as attractive. (This is just my assumption...not fact.)

Last night when I got home from work he accused me of still texting this couple which he saw I ended it in our group chat for the time being and if I was, that was cheating and it would end our marriage if he found out. 

I would never betray our marriage which is why in the beginning I struggled with this entire concept of swinging so there are so many issues he obviously has that he can not even admit to him self and all he does is project it on to me and blames me for all of it. 

I'm so angry over this entire situation because it could have turned out to be very fun and exciting but now I no longer care to be involved as I do not feel his intentions are in the right place anymore. Yet I'm the one screwing it all up. 

He's supposedly got all this experience and here I am trying to learn everything I can. He apparently wants it to be just sex and no connections. Well some of us have to feel some kind of attraction/connection to even have sex with another person. It does not mean I will have feelings. I did friends with benefits many times before and never got attached so I'm fully capable but he keeps insisting he knows everything about this lifestyle so for now it's safe to say this adventure has come to a complete halt.

 

Holy Shit!. This has escalated so fast and so far. You are right to stop. If what you say is accurate your husband needs to get help. Maybe he's looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage. Sure feels like he's trying to blow it up. His tone as you write it scares me.

 

That said, you asked about jealously and feelings of inadequacy. We all feel inadequate, it seems to be the human condition. some are just better at hiding it. In terms of jealously; you won't know until you experience it. Don't confuse fear or nervousness for jealously. Our deal was that we were in this swinging thing as a couple. Us is and remains the most important thing. We accepted that we might feel jealous etc but agreed that no matter what we were a team. We approached our concerns without ego, no blame, no accusing but rather "where did we go wrong as a couple?". People says its hard to forget something, or that they can't get over it. I say you can. You just have to decide what's most important. If you can do that, you can explore adventures with a sense of calm knowing the foundation is secure. You are both supported by each other and the worst case is that you stop, swinging in this case, and continue on with your life...together.

[NC_Seniors 519]

3 hours ago, curiousmarriedwoman said:

So I have to ask as you seem very advanced in this lifestyle...how do you not get jealous or feel inadequate?

Male half here. I assume the question is to … everyone? 😉

 

I’ve never been jealous because I knew that when the sex was over and done with, my wife was leaving the premises with *me*. (She knows the same of me.) If we hadn’t been 100% certain of that, we’d never have started. I’ve seen my wife do the same things with other men that she does with me, and she’s seen me do the same with other women …  but we both know where the other’s heart is.

 
As for feeling inadequate … hmmm. I haven’t really been able to pay much attention to her when she’s with another man because I’ve been with another woman at the same time. But on a couple of occasions, when I could steal a minute or two to just watch and listen, I saw her make facial expressions and heard her make sounds that were almost unfamiliar to me. Did I feel inadequate? Not a bit! I was absolutely thrilled for her that whatever the other man was doing was THAT good! Can I explain to you *why* I didn’t feel inadequate? NOPE! And I doubt that anyone else on this board who’s been at it any length of time can explain it either … but it’s a real thing.

[njbm 2,901]

It’s called compersion. I am happy that my wife is happy. I’m not jealous. 

It sounds like the OP is stuck in a battle of wills. Not the right atmosphere for the lifestyle. 

[NC_Seniors 519]

8 minutes ago, njbm said:

Not the right atmosphere for the lifestyle. 

cmw — njbm has been at this way longer than we have … heed their words!

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

My husband is definitely not trying to leave our marriage. He has always been this way. Quick to overreact...then after he calms down he comes to his senses and apologizes...to which he has. He is also on new heart medications that have absolutely affected his ability to control his mood so he rages a bit now. He is normally very calm most of the time. But it has shown me he in no way is in the right mindset. 

I'm really trying to understand compersion. I was raised in the Mormon church as mentioned in prior posts and I'm struggling with how people share the most private moments with so many others. Does it sound fun and enticing...yes! But hard for me to process because of my upbringing. You do not stray outside your marriage. It's a mindset I'm struggling with for sure but am intrigued by the concept and find it amazing that people can make it work. Especially polyamorous relationships. I'm trying to learn about everything. You guys are all so great with your responses. I am so grateful you have taken the time to respond to all my inquiries.

[lcmim 1,086]

We have been at this for a while. 

We have never strayed outside our marriage.

 

 

[njbm 2,901]

Most people are not wired to participate in non-monogamous activities. It goes against societal norms. I wish the OP success and happiness. 

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

Yes I am definitely not wired this way but I'm trying to understand it. 

 

The other thing I'm trying to understand is how does having sex with other people bring the two if you closer together? This one is hard but I've heard it a lot. My husband keeps saying it will make us so much stronger. I do not understand that since now there is nothing private between you and longer. Please help me understand because I thinks it's amazing if it's true.

 

 

[lcmim 1,086]

From our perspective each of us does own the other, because we consciously gave that when we married.

 

In the LS we have given the freedom to explore to each other.

It exemplifies trust in each other and confidence in our bond.

That freedom has a side effect in that ,once the whole gonadal fidelity issue is dealt with, the things that really define us as a couple become clear. 

The entire "becoming one flesh"concept takes on another meaning not tied to who sticks what where. There is a Me and a Thee that is subsumed in the Us. That concept pretty much explains the whole fact of compersion from our viewpoint.

 

It is often said here that the LS is a magnifying glass, not a tool for fixing things. Whatever is there  good or bad is magnified, the good gets better, the bad gets worse. We subscribe to that theory.

 

Thinking that the LS will "fix" anything is a dangerous mistake.

 

 

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

We are definitely not doing this to fix our marriage. That would be incredibly stupid and dangerous. Our marriage bond is solid. We also have an amazing and fulfilling sex life.

When he overreacts...it's expected. He calms down and he apologizes. I've accepted this is who he is.

We wanted to do this because the idea turns us both on. I'm just trying to learn and understand so I can be ready to fully participate and not get caught up in my feels. I wanna let go and just be in the moment.

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

HE is not ready and you need to stand your ground. He needs to come here and read what has been said by all of us...you know, successful swingers, people with more experience and more knowledge on the subject. If he doesn't want to do that...if he doesn't want to try and understand your side, then he will never be ready. Doesn't matter if he overreacts...in fact, he shouldn't be overreacting. He should be thanking whatever higher power me may (or may not) believe in knowing that you are just considering this adventure.

 

Jealousy: Once upon a time I was an extremely jealous person. I KNEW there was something wrong with anyone who wanted to be with me and all of my faults and shortcomings. It would only be a matter of time before they found out that I was seriously flawed and then they would leave (BTW, this was something that was only true in my head). When Ms. Gold and I got started in this, I was frightened that she would find someone 'better' and want to go with them, but we kept the lines of communication open and set up limits that we both respected and honored. As we took each baby step, I found that we could trust each other more and more...which lead to me loving her more and more, which allowed us to talk more and more openly. The enemy of jealousy is trust. If you KNOW that they are coming home with you, and that nobody is going to take them from you, jealousy has no place to take hold. I have never once been jealous since we started this journey...it's truly amazing, especially to someone who was so jealous in the past.

 

Which leads us to compersion. "The word “compersion” refers to a form of joy in the joy of others. In the world of consensually non-monogamous relationships, it more specifically relates to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people." (I looked up the definition of compersion and this is the first one that came up)

 

When you are able to trust someone totally and completely that you can allow them to fulfill their fantasies and they allow you to fulfill yours...it's just amazing. It's the ultimate joy, knowing you are allowing your partner to experience things that neither of you believed possible in a relationship. While it is sometimes called the opposite of jealousy, that really isn't true (ask Couplers) since it is possible to feel both at the same time, but (at least in my case) I have never felt jealous since me and Ms. Gold started...just more love knowing that we are so strong, so solid that we can do this without fear, together.

 

Love, trust communication...it takes all three and all three in abundance, but it is amazing when it all comes together.

[curiousmarriedwoman 36]

I told him today he was not ready because I'm in these forums reading and preparing and he's being ridiculous expecting too much. It does not matter how sexual he feels I am as it's my body and my soul that will be doing this side by side with him. If he can not agree to my terms I will be done forever because I can not trust him to do right by me. He agreed to take it at my terms and did tell me he respected me so much for being open to even considering this lifestyle. Wish us luck. We are still negotiating terms but if he stays true to his word I think we are both in for a treat.

 

And thank you so much for this last response. It was very informative and definitely felt the love you share with your spouse through your words. This absolutely has helped me in understanding why people do this.

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

Oh Sweeties, this is so not for you.  At least not right now.

 

This is supposed to be fun. The people you meet are supposed to be fun; the sex you have is supposed to be fun. No ones having any fun, here.

 

We adopted our friend's philosophy for the first time he had sex with another couple.  No matter what happened: No crime; no foul. Maybe we went forward. Maybe neveragain. Yet no one would be blamed for doing too much or too little or for violating some written or unknown rule.

 

It worked out.

 

We also went to a Club. We got lined up up with a couple who were great . Also, let me be clear, the guy knew how to fuck, A fulfilling range from intimate to physically thrilling and back again. My husband could tell from looking at me, tossed hair and all, that I actually had the best sex of my life. I had. That was a bit of a surprise but I took it as a positive and so did he. He 'upped' his game, actually. Now, his sex partners thank me :).

 

We were both so revved up we had sex with two more couples that night. I just loved the idea of giving myself over to a man I had just met, yet wanted me so very badly. They were all appreciative and engaged, not a single bad moment. It was the best of possible experiences. Sex with three different men literally doubled my total number of sex partners in my life, in one night.  

 

 

Katrina

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

9 hours ago, KatrinaandDriverX said:

We adopted our friend's philosophy for the first time he had sex with another couple.  No matter what happened: No crime; no foul. Maybe we went forward. Maybe neveragain. Yet no one would be blamed for doing too much or too little or for violating some written or unknown rule.

 

It worked out.

Yes! This.

[EUSwing 1]

Agree with @KatrinaandDriverX, @curiousmarriedwoman your husband is not ready for this. I see too many red flags, even if he agrees to take it on your terms, he is not ready.