Small World!

[872016 29]

We've been playing with a couple for a few years now. Go on vacations with them, etc., and he has become a regular golf buddy of mine. I see him more often playing golf than playing with his wife! 

 

They started playing with another couple about 6 months ago. Last time we met he says "I gotta tell you something just so you're aware." He and I are both execs at our respective companies. So it turns out that his play partner of the past 6 months is on my team at work, about 3 reporting levels down from me. My golf buddy and his play partner were talking a couple of weeks ago and they discovered that they both knew me! He said that he told my co-worker that we are strictly vanilla golf buddies. But suddenly my co-worker is much friendlier to me, so I suspect that she suspects something.

 

Even though my coworker is quite attractive, there is no way in hell I will ever mention anything about LS to her as long as we are employed at same company. That's a line I don't cross. 

 

And out of curiosity I looked up this coworker on social media. Turns out she is also friends with and converses with another LS couple that we have played with a couple of times. If she connects those dots, she will know for sure.

 

I would rather not be outed at my company - any words of wisdom for me from you folks? Not that I think she would purposely say anything. There is always potential for accidents.

[PeterJ 960]

I understand your concern. Hard to know if your golf buddy has been completely candid with you. Perhaps he has, and said nothing about you. But like you she’s done some social media cruising. I once checked out Facebook connections of a couple I was playing with and found a woman who lived 1,000 miles away I’d played with who was a Facebook friend of both of them. From their respective profiles I could see they’d gone to high school together. I never let on to the couple or the woman. But who knows if they didn’t cruise my profile for mutual friends. 
 

You appear to be on the best course possible. But this incident illustrates that even if you are quite discrete, you could find yourself exposed — and not in the good way. 😉

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

By some estimates, 2% of couples play. The demographics are not uniform, and therefore the percentage among the people you encounter could well be higher. The nature of the LS community is that works to connect, via boards such as this, SLS, Kasadie, and dating sites. (Relative) strangers come together at parties, resorts, takeovers, and cruises. We mention all of this to suggest that in the LS, the idea that everyone is connected by not more than "six degrees of separation" is by that intention probably closer to a maximum of three, and commonly two and one. 

 

The likelihood that you and some couple (1,2,3,...N) in your LS circle have a common acquaintance in the LS is very high. The likelihood that you have a common acquaintance in vanilla life is also quite high. You might go to the same dry cleaner, or discover that your kids have been through the same school, or whatever. 

 

Part of the code of the LS is that you don't "out" others except possibly as an introduction to other in the LS, for example sponsoring another couple new to a house party. But never to vanillas. You cannot know what your friends have said, but it doesn't really matter. You are, for purposes of your company, vanilla golf buddies. Your families like each other and sometimes travel together. Nothing surprising or unusual. 

 

It does raise a question that should be discussed between you and your spouse, though. How, precisely, do you...or will you...handle what appear to be curiosity-driven authentic requests for information? You don't have to tell all of the truth...ever. The question is whether you will tell lies, and if so, what.  This need for a strategy surfaced for us the first time we returned from a beach holiday with no tan lines. We had decided in advance that if asked, we would be truthful in response--that we had vacationed at a clothing-optional resort.  Now you may say that nude recreation is accepted/mainstream and swinging is not. Our point is that planned answers avoid a lot of awkwardness. 

 

We'll close with an observation. LS couples are often the happiest people we know, and often the happiest people in mixed settings. If you are like other LS couples of our ken, you _will_  be asked, what's your secret to staying so happy?  Your scripted response to that question is useful not only as a direct answer, but can be quite useful as be basis for redirecting  questions that you might find awkward. 

 

Don't fret. Rather, use the situation as an opportunity to reflect and to do a little scenario planning. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,423]

41 minutes ago, Fundamental Law said:

Part of the code of the LS is that you don't "out" others except possibly as an introduction to other in the LS, for example sponsoring another couple new to a house party. But never to vanillas.

Exactly.  There is nothing to fear among fellow swingers.  Twice in 25 years we have encountered 'vanilla' contacts in the Lifestyle. The most awkward being my wife's coworker (and his wife) and it's been fine.

My wife and I call it "honor among thieves".

[lcmim 1,086]

On a practical note leave no evidence in writing. Every text and email between you is strictly processional. If anything comes up a surpassed look followed by curiosity.

"Where the hell did you hear that."

 

Then laugh ( not nervously)

[let's do it again 416]

My concern would be your employment, and is there anything about your LS that could get you terminated for code of conduct and I will tell you why. Back in 2006 my ex wife was a travel nurse working on a contract at a state hospital in a midwest state. She was not a unionized nurse but frequented a union nurse website and several LS websites with nude pictures of herself. One day she was sent home from work pending termination. Her travel company notified her that an employee notified the hospital of the nude pictures and her contract was void because she broke the code of conduct in their work manual. The travel company stated that the hospital was known to monitor employees social media and my ex wife had no recourse.  From then on my ex wife would not participate in any nude group photos of any kind.  My take was that it was more about the union websites, but they couldn't terminate her for that so they used her nude pictures on the LS websites.  So, be very careful. 

[njbm 2,901]

1 hour ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Exactly.  There is nothing to fear among fellow swingers.  Twice in 25 years we have encountered 'vanilla' contacts in the Lifestyle. The most awkward being my wife's coworker (and his wife) and it's been fine.

My wife and I call it "honor among thieves".

We call it “mutually assured destruction.” If they out us, they out themselves. 

[njbm 2,901]

We are not on Facebook. We have no nude pictures of us on the internet. We try. 

[William2001 53]

This sort of thing can be difficult to advise upon... Firstly any person (Or couple) are entitled to their own privacy.

Yet in order to mix within the 'lifestyle' you do lose a certain mount of anonymity.

 

So my own way of dealing with my own privacy issues are not to have recognisable 'face' pictures... ( I am older and retired so I have no problem with my face pictures nowadays)  I can only suggest one main thing. It is your life and unless you are doing something 'illegal'. Be proud and self confident. 

 

I also pity these cruel people who 'out' other. They are miserable cruel and envious fuckers..!

[oldswinger64 113]

WE also ran into a coworker many years ago at an event.  It was a bit odd at first, but neither of us mentioned it at work, and it was not an issue.  For us, we also made sure not to have pictures that would out us.  Without pictures, it is just rumors, and easily denied.  Times also have changed.  More people are accepting that what people do in theri private life is their own business.  If you are not the head of an anti gay group, I think you are okay.

[William2001 53]

I just have remembered how I used to post photos on websites and in magazines etc...

 

We wore face masks, like those you see for the Venice Carnival (The one in Italy, not the one in California..!)

 

They were large enough to cover most of your face and part of your hairline...

[enhancer 1,586]

If she is also in the lifestyle she is not going to out you without outing herself!  Missus E has an uncle and aunt we know are in the lifestyle and are pretty sure they know we are.  Nothing is said to each other or anyone else and we feel pretty safe nothing will. 

[WesternSwing 504]

I don’t know what social media site you saw your mutual connections on, but at least on Facebook you can make your friends private. That won’t stop someone from finding you on their friends list, though. 
 

But as others have said, the chance of someone thinking that about you is pretty slim. I see that many of my Lifestyle friends are also mutual friends on FB with some of my vanilla friends, sometimes even my family members, and in the 15 years I’ve been on FB I’ve never had anyone ask me how I knew a Lifestyle friend.

[William2001 53]

This is an example of the 'Venice Carnival' mask we used for some photos...