Experienced swingers hosting newbies

[njbm 2,868]

We usually host or play with other experienced swingers, but in a few days we find ourselves hosting newbies. Very nice, very attractive couple. We don’t want to scare them or turn them off. Any ice breaking ideas or advice for us? We have a hot tub for before or after. We can take it easy on the sex part. They may surprise us and be ready for anything. Ideas?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Assume they are curious and they know you are LS experienced…

Make it clear that you are focused on their experience. Ask about dietary preferences and restrictions in advance. Tell them your dress code for arrival.

If they were coming to our place, on arrival we would give them a house tour including the room we reserve for guests with robes out on the bed, lights on on the  room and tell them the space is theirs to use.

 

We would be serving a light adult beverage and a light meal. We would have a light dessert prepped on the fridge BUT, after dinner, we would ask if they would like to join us in the hot tub for a soak. We would bring plastic glasses and some beverage with us to cool down. 
 

During the house tour, we mention that we ask guests to shower before getting into the hot tub (remember those robes?) and that no one bothers with swimsuits in the hot tub. 
 

Once in the hot  tub, we do turn on the bubbles to give some privacy under water. 

[njbm 2,868]

The old hot tub seduction! I think we are more comfortable on land ( the boudoir). 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

We would favor the hot tub seduction since, after all, you do have a hot tub.

 

Also, people generally enjoy board games/dice games and we have been to several houseparties where games were used as very fun and effective ice breakers.

[njbm 2,868]

Warming up to the hot tub idea. Naked, close proximity….

[cplnluv1 871]

We met tens of scared, cautious, curious couples over the years, almost all reached out to us to start them on a new journey. All of the couples contained a woman who for many different reason wanted to know what being with another woman is. My first meeting was filling my husband’s curiosity of wanting to see me with another woman, a thing I did before meeting him. Our first was not typical, I was not a newbie, my husband was. 
I found the scenario changed each time we met a newbie, all came in with the intent of the wife/gf curious of touching a woman. Most needed help taking the edge off, wine, liquor or a pharmaceutical, I never let an inebriated woman go further. 
Touching and kissing of very willing partner, or slowing down a hesitant partner. Some wanted to touch others wanted to be touched, we read the signals. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First and foremost: Find out what their limits and expectations are and let them know that is what the limits for everyone will be for the night. My guess is that they will be comfortable with same room sex (or same hot tub sex) but if they are comfortable with more, then so be it. What IS important is whatever their limits are, DO NOT EXCEED them (even if, in the heat of the...tub, they are willing to go further). They both need to be on the same page going into this and all too often, one will want to go further and the other will 'just go along' or not say anything and that can cause problems later between the two of them. There is always the next time to go further. Just take things easy and help them enjoy the ride, but remember to always go at the speed the slowest member is comfortable with. Have fun and help them as they make their way into this adventure.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

1 hour ago, cplnluv1 said:

... each time we met a newbie, all came in with the intent of the wife/gf curious of touching a woman. ..

Yes. We think partly that's bc most (but not all) newbie ladies are more comfortable playing with strange women than strange men - even if they have never been with a woman before.

[njbm 2,868]

I think the woman of the couple is often more picky. It’s been the downfall of some of our recent couplings and it gives our male, who is confident in his appearance, personality and sexual abilities, a complex. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

2 minutes ago, njbm said:

I think the woman of the couple is often more picky. It’s been the downfall of some of our recent couplings and it gives our male, who is confident in his appearance, personality and sexual abilities, a complex. 

Repeat the mantra, "women run the LS".  They make all of the decisions and have absolute veto power. 

[ToeDippers 83]

1 hour ago, Fundamental Law said:

Repeat the mantra, "women run the LS".  They make all of the decisions and have absolute veto power. 

Do newbie women start the action normally with the man or woman? Our first try with a couple had a hard stop by my wife, her veto power. My frustration. 
Our first sexual encounter was with the less than mythical unicorn, a guy’s dream. The girls kissed and breasts were fondled, the true hesitancy was touching below the waist by my wife. Fortunately for us no hesitation by our new friend eased further play. 

 

4 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Yes. We think partly that's bc most (but not all) newbie ladies are more comfortable playing with strange women than strange men - even if they have never been with a woman before.

Don’t think that was true here. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

3 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

They both need to be on the same page going into this and all too often, one will want to go further and the other will 'just go along' or not say anything and that can cause problems later between the two of them. There is always the next time to go further. Just take things easy and help them enjoy the ride, but remember to always go at the speed the slowest member is comfortable with. Have fun and help them as they make their way into this adventure.

Well said. 

 

A first visit to an LS couple's home for newbies is always an event that calls (their) questions: are we LS people? If so, where are we on this journey? If so, where do we want to be on this journey?

 

Some notes: 

 

1. There is never a second chance to make a first impression. In a very real sense, we are the other couple's first contact with 'real LS folks' (whatever that means). Grace, sensitivity, comfort--these things matter. Perhaps above all else, choice and respect for choices -- the autonomy of the LS-- is continued throughout the visit.  Regardless of what play or chemistry or connections evolve, the visitors should have an enjoyable visit. We do not presuppose a match; rather we want visitors to leave thinking that somewhere there is a match for them. 

 

2. Newbies can have difficulty in managing uncertainty and  in framing questions. They might find it awkward and they might simply not know what to ask. One of the most useful approaches that we learned...and we use...is to tell FIBs. No, not fibs, FIBs. That is, to encourage articulation of fantasies; intentions; and boundaries. Being able to speak about FIBs is not just about clarification, it is about reassurance. We'll add that it is not just the visitors--it is the hosts as well. For the evening, our fantasy might be that the visitors go home with a sense that LS people and the LS might be more authentic than the visitors imagine; our intention is to communicate and model the respect and passion that is foundational to the LS; and our boundary is to not to make the visitors question their decision to put a toe (or 20)  in the LS waters.  

 

3. Everyone was a newbie once. There was/is an overwhelming sense of vulnerability in the internal questions of "am I like those people?", "do we want to be like those people?", "what will it mean for our relationship to dip our toes in this or that alternative social norms?", "what if we don't like it?", and "what if we do like it?" There is a sense of vulnerability in the external questions, "What if our hosts do not like us?"  Awareness of vulnerability is key to many first experiences in anything, LS or otherwise. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

Repeat the mantra, "women run the LS".  They make all of the decisions and have absolute veto power. 

Problem with this is not all women getting into (or at least checking out) the L/S KNOW this. All too often it is the men at the wheel driving the direction things are going and the women are 'just going along' with their man. If more women AND MEN understood that the women are really the driving force, and that they were in control of what does and doesn't happen, then there would be not so many bumps and bruises (and in some cases, fatalities) along the way.

 

Being that you are the experienced couple taking the lead, it is also up to you to ask the right questions so that you understand what the new couples limits and expectations are...and then not to allow anything to exceed or violate them. Also, it's best to let them know what to expect IN ADVANCE so that they are comfortable when they arrive. One example that we have is whenever we are meeting a new couple for the first time (usually for dinner or drinks in a public setting), we let them know that it is JUST going to be to meet in person and get to know each other. Good food, some sexy conversation, getting to know everyone and see if there is any 'sparks'...but the fear or pressure of not knowing if everyone is ready to or interested in playing is off the table. This way, both couples get the chance to talk afterwards and decide if they are interested in getting together again instead of one person wanting to rush forward (see: taking one for the team). The reduced pressure and expectations make the evening much more comfortable and enjoyable for everyone involved instead of having to remain 'on guard' not knowing if they are going to be expected to do more than they are ready to do.

 

It's up to you, as the experienced couple, to try and make this as good of an experience as possible...even if it is to later suggest that swinging might not be the correct path for them (we've had to do this a time or two as well).

[njbm 2,868]

We agree 100% with the vanilla first meeting concept. Although it is sometimes greeted with derision. One potential person we thought of meeting with called me a pussy for suggesting this. I said thank you for vetting yourself. 
 

With tomorrow’s couple, we had a nice vanilla dinner. My wife asked the other woman if she wants to go to dinner again or visit us to play and she chose play. It has occurred to me (and her husband has suggested) she is a minx. 

[njbm 2,868]

Our festivities begin at 4pm with wine, cheese, snacks. Then, weather permitting, hot tub. Then play. Should be over in the 7-8 pm period. What should we do about dinner? Ideas?

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

3 minutes ago, njbm said:

Our festivities begin at 4pm with wine, cheese, snacks. Then, weather permitting, hot tub. Then play. Should be over in the 7-8 pm period. What should we do about dinner? Ideas?

We always go super light and veggie. 

We used to go to a swing club that kicked off their Sat night parties with a big meal.  We went once, then decided from then on we would skip that part.

It's better for people to be a little hungry when playtime starts.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

The purpose of the visit is to have the newbie couple explore some of their comfort level with the LS and play.

 

The food and drink should support that, not interfere with it. 

 

We are 100% with hunterdonNJcpl on the gustatory preliminaries: keep it simple and light. Their stomachs--and maybe yours--will have some butterflies.  Our approach: 

 

1. Finger food, light and tasty. Pita and hummous, veggies and a simple blue cheese dip, chips and a mild salsa. Nothing that is going to be heavy, digestive challenge, etc. 

 

2. However you do the wine, make sure there is plenty of water. Call us old, even gauche, but white wine 'spritzers' (https://www.thespruceeats.com/white-wine-spritzer-759850) or some sort of champagne cocktail that keeps the alcohol content low is a way to keep the beverage 'adult' while keeping folks hydrated. Sangria is another option. 

We serve these is plastic stemmed glasses so they can easily come out to the hot tub. 

 

3. A sweet finish, such as a small scoop of a lemon/mint sorbet, can be refreshing as a transition from the gustatory preliminaries to the hot tub. 

[njbm 2,868]

Good advice from FL and Hunterdon. My lifestyle guru advised me: take vitamin V, light food, don’t drink alcohol, play, go out to dinner. You don’t want a heavy meal sloshing around. 

[couplers 4,615]

On 1/9/2024 at 11:58 AM, Fundamental Law said:

Repeat the mantra, "women run the LS".  They make all of the decisions

Thinking back on my lifestyle (primarily poly) journey as one data point, The Mantra is primarily true.  From having two monogamous men (who it's hard to believe put up with the situation of sharing me), to accepting a marriage proposal, to bringing in other women (of my choice), to deciding when to have children and with which man, it was all controlled by us women.  Even each of our forays into regular swinging were initiated by us women. 

 

Men are (very) interested in sex, but not the details, so women can control things.

 

On 1/9/2024 at 11:58 AM, Fundamental Law said:

and [women] have absolute veto power. 

Perhaps, but I tried never to use it.  Especially when it was just me with David and Red, I never turned them down for anything.  First, I was flattered with the situation, and second if they were sacrificing for me as I saw it, I would accommodate them.  Even in those moments when I wasn't in the mood, I quickly got into it.  Sometimes men have good ideas, I must admit. 

Edited January 11 by couplers

[oldswinger64 111]

They are exploring, and while they may profess eagerness to engage in sexual activity, the newness of the situation is often scary.  I agree that the woman is the lead, whether they know that or not, but be very aware of what all the individuals are feeling.  Go slow and make it clear that if nothing sexual happens the first time, that is okay.  We did not engage in sexual activity with our fisrt couple, but they we caring and full of information, which lead us further.  Also, as I remember, they could have served burnt tennis shoes to eat, and that would not have made a difference.  Our brains were focused on other things.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

As you go forward, but sure to always ask 'is it okay if I {fill in the blank}' and try to get an acknowledgement from both of them.

[njbm 2,868]

This afternoon is the event. No is no and we’ll take it slow with clear and full consent. But we have played with newbies who are total tigers. We’ll see!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Good luck! Remember to have fun!

[njbm 2,868]

We had a very nice session with our new friends. They hung in there! We were gentle, slow and did not try anything crazy. Don’t want to kiss and tell too much, but this is a wild hobby to get into.  

[BillyandDebbie 301]

We are grateful that our first was with experienced friends. Knowing them didn’t take away the fear yet we were able to be ourselves as we allowed Debbie to be the one that had to be the one to say Go. 
 

12 hours ago, njbm said:

Don’t want to kiss and tell too much,

Who made the first move? 

[njbm 2,868]

I have to leave the details to our fertile imaginations out of respect for our partners, but we all seemed to have fun and parted as friends.

[njbm 2,868]

Well, we were supposed to have round 2 with our newbie friends tomorrow night, but they texted us that they are unsure if swinging is for them. We are going out to dinner with them anyway. We like them as friends, but benefits are often better. 
 

Back to the dating pool. We are meeting a couple on Sunday with whom we often misfired with on SLS ( meetings cancelled, missed, etc.)  They seem nice. 

[lustylearning 705]

Hope you have fun Sunday!

[njbm 2,868]

Hope to score. A lot of misfires in our recent comeback. It seemed easier when we were younger.  But when I think about it, we always had a lot of 1, 2 or 3 and out. Although recently, we are often not getting to one. 

Edited February 1 by njbm

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

6 hours ago, njbm said:

A lot of misfires in our recent comeback. It seemed easier when we were younger...

That 4-way chemistry does seem harder to attain past a certain age.

 

I mentioned in another post how these days we have more 3sums than 4sums. I think that's partly bc 3-way chemistry is a lot easier than 4-way chemistry. Plus, as we mature we tend to take on change - new things and new people - more cautiously. And I know you recently moved from NJ to FL, so you are starting from scratch.

 

Do you think you would be happy and have more success if you shopped around for a single rather than a couple?

 

 

Edited February 1 by hunterdonNJcpl

[oldswinger64 111]

For us, as we ages, we sought fewer new couples and had a few couples who we saw on a regularly scheduled basis.  It was more relaxed, which fit where we were at the time.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Oldswinger and hunterdon are touching on our reality. As we age, our relationships with LS couples have also changed. No one wants to feel pressured, everyone wants to feel their own level of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure. It’s no longer about “hooking up” but rather about being present/with. It’s not about soft swing or hard swing, but rather about enjoying the time with others on whatever level. It’s a different sort of chemistry, less of an ignition or explosion and much more of a slow burn. 

[njbm 2,868]

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

That 4-way chemistry does seem harder to attain past a certain age.

 

I mentioned in another post how these days we have more 3sums than 4sums. I think that's partly bc 3-way chemistry is a lot easier than 4-way chemistry. Plus, as we mature we tend to take on change - new things and new people - more cautiously. And I know you recently moved from NJ to FL, so you are starting from scratch.

 

Do you think you would be happy and have more success if you shopped around for a single rather than a couple?

 

 

I think that is an interesting suggestion. I will run it by my wife. When we think about, we can get three out of four on board, but four is difficult. Usually the other couple’s wife is the veto if we can analyze it.