Singles: Do you ever feel used?

[mrs good times 73]

We have never played with a single but recently witnessed this situation and it has made me curious how you feel as a single.

 

Three couples at a table and a single is asked to join in on the conversation. Two of the females at the table take an interest in the guy. There appeared to me to begin a competition as to which female was going to win this young man. Eventually the guy goes to the play room with one of the couples and the other two couples stay at the table and visit. When the single and the couple return to the table after play the single then offers his services to the other interested female. She turns him down and she and her husband then leave the table to play with the couple they were visiting with. The couple he played with also leaves the table to go home leaving the single guy sitting alone at the table.

 

From my vantage point the guy looked rather dumbfounded that everyone left him sitting there alone after all of the attention during the previous hour and I actually felt sorry for him.

 

Perhaps as a female I am reading more emotion into this than a guy would but this is another reason why we don't play with singles. It comes across to me as so cold and crude.

 

So, my question is do you feel used after the encounter?

 

If so, why do you subject yourself to it?

[EternallySingle 32]

We have never played with a single but recently witnessed this situation and it has made me curious how you feel as a single.

 

Three couples at a table and a single is asked to join in on the conversation. Two of the females at the table take an interest in the guy. There appeared to me to begin a competition as to which female was going to win this young man. Eventually the guy goes to the play room with one of the couples and the other two couples stay at the table and visit. When the single and the couple return to the table after play the single then offers his services to the other interested female. She turns him down and she and her husband then leave the table to play with the couple they were visiting with. The couple he played with also leaves the table to go home leaving the single guy sitting alone at the table.

 

From my vantage point the guy looked rather dumbfounded that everyone left him sitting there alone after all of the attention during the previous hour and I actually felt sorry for him.

 

Perhaps as a female I am reading more emotion into this than a guy would but this is another reason why we don't play with singles. It comes across to me as so cold and crude.

 

So, my question is do you feel used after the encounter?

 

If so, why do you subject yourself to it?

 

It used to leave me feeling used. Mainly because the couples thought all I wanted was to get laid and once that happened they could go and talk to their friends and make plans for barbeques and boating trips and other things that only couples and single women could appreciate. Obviously I was hard up for sex if I was willing to spend $80.00 to get into a club where I couldn't initiate a conversation with a woman under any circumstance if I didn't walk in with her. So thats how I was treated when I tried to go to a club as a single man. Woman gets horny, husband has already "finished" twice, woman finds single guy at bar and hopes he can get her off. If not, she either finds another single guy or waits for husband to get it up again. When she's satisfied, she and husband go home. And of course, noone's feelings were hurt. All the worthy single guys got laid and they didn't have to share their feelings or listen to some woman's problem. Everybody wins (yeah, right :rollseyes )

 

Great situation if you are 22. Not so great after 32. Pushing 40 (like me)... will take a lot to believe it would be worth my time to attend clubs. Even writing to couples and some single women is like that. Actually, with some single women its worse. Like me, they don't have anyone giving them emotional support, so a single man, who's obviously on a swing site because he can't find a girlfriend or is probably married and cheating on his wife, is completely off limits, even if she's dating five or six guys a week and swinging until she meets that one she wants to have a LTR with.

 

It is disheartening...at first. Then you grow up, realize you are responsible for how you are treated, raise your standards, and stop putting up with people who want you to show up, screw the missus, say thank you, and leave. Not that you don't do those things, but a single man who is not willing to require couples become friends (not busom buddies but at least close enough that the husband will invite him golfing when one of the regulars cancel as someone he and his wife met at a party) will be very lonely very fast. Not only because couples will see him as a piece of meat, but word will eventually spread to the general population that he is sleeping with other mens wives and meeting a single woman will become next to impossible. Also happened to me.

 

So, in my typically long winded way, yes, sometimes single guys feel used. Why do we put up with it? On those occasions when nothing else works and we just have to get some, it is really easy to spot those inconsiderate couples that just want a strange penis for the night, say you're available, and get what you want. And they get what they want. And sometimes, rarely, everyone does win from the one night stand. But, like its been said over and over again, you can't make someone be your friend. You can only do what you can not to make them your enemy.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I am going to post this two ways...

 

Once upon a time I was a single guy that has been around "swingers" since I was a teenager.

 

We had group sex, single sex and any other sex you can think of. I never felt used once. No one including myself was looking for anything more that night then some sex. The couples, the single women and single men. I could only feel used if I wanted to feel that way but since I was there for the same reason that they where, to play and go away I would never let myself feel used.

 

Now, I am the male part of a couple. Laura and I go to the clubs and parties to have sex. Period. If we make friends with people later, cool, if not, no biggie since that is not what we went there for in the first place. She does not feel used, I don't feel used and we are so upfront and striaght with the guys, women and others that we play with that none of them goes away feeling used. After all, they are also there for what we are. If they are there looking to make life long buddies chances are we don't hook up with them in the first place.

 

We have lots of friends that are swingers but we don't always swing with our friends.

 

That is something that has changed over the years. Many people now want to become "friends" and find out about your kids, your dog, where you live and so on and so on. Once this happens emotions (feeling used) can become involved in something that started out years ago as sex for fun. Party for the sake of a party.

 

We like keeping it simple and keeping all the heavy emotions out of it. If you become our friend at some time, great, if not, niether of us is any less of a person for it.

[EternallySingle 32]

Maybe feeling used was too strong of a phrase. Taken for granted, maybe closer the the truth. A single man at a swing club is DEFINITELY there to have sex. He is also less likely to be approached by anyone and more likely to say yes if approached. Therefore, noone is going to try too hard to find out anything past whether he is straight, bi, or gay. Once thats out of the way, clothes off, do the deed, clothes on, and couple (or single woman) goes back to her friends and guy sits there wondering if thats it.

 

Therein lies the question of feeling used. A single guy is most likely involved in swinging so he can have an active sex life with people into the group sex lifestyle as well, but everyone wants to socialize with people they share interests with. Group sex is an interest, just like fishing or bowling or knitting. Thing is, single men are often on the outside looking in on the social aspects of swinging because, well, most married men don't want to be friends with the guy doing his wife, unless that guy also has a wife the married man can do. I was guilty of that thought when I was part of a couple, and I'm not proud of it. Its one of the reasons I stopped swinging after my girlfriend left. The other was I suddenly went from being someone who knew about computers AND like performing oral sex on women to a single man that had been to the club a few times. Being thought of in a nice way will get many couples to proposition me for sex, but they are more likely to become friends with another couple or single female than a single man, since the single man "...is only looking to get laid anyway."

[good times 991]

I think you are right about the "taken for granted" thing ES, thats kind of the way it seems to us. We don't go to the club very often when single guys are allowed but when we have it has been obvious to us that most couples will play with the single guy and then imediately move on and leave the guy to his own, while the couples we see seem to be visiting and interacting afterward. And I know what you are saying about how the male of a couple feels about the single guy as this is one of the main reason we don't do singles. We will often become friends with couples we play with but I would have no desire to be buddies with a single guy who wants to screw my wife. I'm not sure why this is and really never thought about it much until you mentioned it here. I think mainly it is the fear that because the single guy doesn't have a partner of his own he seems more likely in my mind to become fixated on my wife.

[mrs good times 73]

I guess the difference to me is that the couple have each other after its over to share the experience with. Seeing the single guy, all alone, after the fact just really bothered me.

[EternallySingle 32]

And I know what you are saying about how the male of a couple feels about the single guy as this is one of the main reason we don't do singles. We will often become friends with couples we play with but I would have no desire to be buddies with a single guy who wants to screw my wife. I'm not sure why this is and really never thought about it much until you mentioned it here. I think mainly it is the fear that because the single guy doesn't have a partner of his own he seems more likely in my mind to become fixated on my wife.

 

This is a thought I used to have as well. Its funny because at no time would I think of moving in on another mans wife. I even told a very attractive woman that still calls me two or three times a week to hang out that I couldn't see myself dating her because she lived with my THIRD cousin for three years and dated a friend of mine from work for two years before that. And I felt uncomfortable with single male friends my ex-girlfriend had from before she met me. Its a big hangup, but the feelings are real. That is probably the greatest hindrance to single men in the lifestyle aside from the sheer volume of men that join ad sites and try to get into swing clubs (and act like jerks when they do). Statistically speaking, there are fewer jerks at clubs than nice guys, but the jerks go out of their way to get noticed more. Add to that instinctive male protectiveness for friends, family, and mates...

 

Makes me wonder sometimes if I really want to get back into the lifestyle.

[good times 991]

It is true that the single males seem to get judged by the actions of a few. At the club we attend most, they have couples only on Friday nights and select males and couples on Saturday night. It seems like every Saturday their are a few bad apples in the single male crowd which leads to more than a few complaints. The couples attendance has picked up in the last few years and so their are a lot more couples attending the saturday night party that are not really interested in single males. I was talking to the owner of the club a couple weeks ago and now he is considering making Saturday night couples only too. It is sad because for the most part the single males that attend the club are pretty well behaved, but the few bad apples can sure make it too much hassle for the hosts and club owners to want to deal with the single males any more, and when that happens not only do the decent single males lose but so do the couples that are their looking for single males.

[EternallySingle 32]

Its like my drill sargent used to say. "One 'Oh Shit' completely erases 100 'attaboys'".

[Guest salemgurl]

Hey, I'm married and usually the SINGLE, BLACK WOMAN at swingers parties!

 

I hate it. Not only that, but I'm always and I'm overstating this but i'm ALWAYS the only NON bi curious woman there. I'm totally bisexual and not skittish about a woman tasting or playing with me....so because the black women are fearful of going to these types of events and the white women are fearful of eating black pussy and I can't other ethnicities if the person has fair skin and straight hair (unless they are asian---which I've NEVER seen at a party)....It leaves me with BLUE BALLS!!!

 

So, where are all the bisexual women?

Where are all the bisexual women who can PLAY without their mate being there.

 

I'm tired of being asked to a party only to have the men pull me to the side and say "Will you show my wife how to......", "Will you get my wife into....", Will you lick my wife's pussy", etc.

 

How rude!

I don't go to parties alone ANYMORE, I find an online dude and go with him (because lots of single want to party)....but the hubby has to sleep in to get up early to go to work the next day.....darn!

[xxoticangel 99]

As a couple that enjoys MFM we are guilty of "using" single men we have met at clubs/parties. Its not that I wouldn't like to see if a friendship develops it just that in that atmosphere it is primarily about sex and we'll worry about the rest later. In an ideal world I would have a good friend that gets along well with my wife and they are also sexually attracted to each other. Someone that we could do vanilla stuff with that also enjoyed the occasional roll in the hay. We had one once and it was a lot of fun until he got married. I thought nothing about he and my wife being alone because I knew he respected me enough not to try anything unless I was there. I have a good friend now that would be perfect except that neither he or my wife is attracted to the other.

[sensuality 2]

Salemgurl...you need to move to California ...we see all kinds of different ethnicities, including asian women at clubs and etc.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I see this situation a bit different and at the same time don't see it any different than if the single guy were another couple.

 

Say there are 4 COUPLES sitting at a table all talking together and it appears that two of the couples are both interested in getting with one of the others (where does that leave couple #4?). So Couple A wins and they go off with Couple C and play. Things go ok, but maybe not great and now they are all done and they return to the table. Couple A would just as soon move on and away from the couple they just played with but out of politeness they return to the table. Now Couple C is back at the table and it's all "Hey, how bout you guys? You still interested?" "Well, um no actually we've been sitting here chatting with Couple #4 while you were gone and I think we are all gonna go hook up now, see ya". So we are left with two couples, the same two that had gone off and played together but now Couple A is just ITCHING for an excuse to leave the table rather than be stranded with Couple C, so off they go, leaving Couple C to fend for themselves.

 

Same situation, just different players and from a slightly different perspective.

 

I think we can all feel used on occasion, or feel like we are using others, and in the end... aren't we?

[lustylearning 705]

I see this situation a bit different and at the same time don't see it any different than if the single guy were another couple.

 

Say there are 4 COUPLES sitting at a table all talking together and it appears that two of the couples are both interested in getting with one of the others (where does that leave couple #4?). So Couple A wins and they go off with Couple C and play. Things go ok, but maybe not great and now they are all done and they return to the table. Couple A would just as soon move on and away from the couple they just played with but out of politeness they return to the table. Now Couple C is back at the table and it's all "Hey, how bout you guys? You still interested?" "Well, um no actually we've been sitting here chatting with Couple #4 while you were gone and I think we are all gonna go hook up now, see ya". So we are left with two couples, the same two that had gone off and played together but now Couple A is just ITCHING for an excuse to leave the table rather than be stranded with Couple C, so off they go, leaving Couple C to fend for themselves.

 

Same situation, just different players and from a slightly different perspective.

 

I think we can all feel used on occasion, or feel like we are using others, and in the end... aren't we?

 

Excellent point

[iapr 24]

Couples do some wierd stuff like write to single and say their spouse's birthday is coming up this weekend and they want them to be waiting for them in bed naked. At least a single fem has the common sense to say "helloooo, I have never met you or talked to you" where as the single male will promise the world but when the time comes he realizes what he set himself up for and is a no show and now incurs the wrath of a couple spurned by an evil SM.

 

Some couples do have something of a view of singles as an augmentation in the bedroom like a vibrator or dildo or something like that. They see the single as there to help fulfill their fantasy and in return the single gets to have sex with someone elses spouse without getting their ass kicked. We can all argue the moral ramifications of that but in the end noone can be used without giving permission. If a single wants to go to bed with someone elses spouse and not get their ass handed to them they are going to have to do it on the couples terms to one degree or another.

 

If they don't agree with those terms all they have to do is keep their pants on and their legs together or keep thier dick inside their pants. If a single wants to call the shots and have a "relationship" on their own terms then they can do like the rest of the worlds population and get their own partner.

[VegasLee 1,486]

We look at singles just like anyone else, they are there to have fun and enjoy life as we are.

 

As a male, even though I am married I bring nothing more to the table then any other male in this world.

 

Laura is not my slave, she does not do as I tell her. (not like I am dumb enough to try to tell her). She plays with who she wants and I play with who I want. If that ends up being another couple ok, most of the time not. Neither one is taking "one for the team" and it is very hard to find four people that are attracted to each other.

 

To many feel they have a right because they "brought their wife" to the party. I don't bring her, she happens to come with me. She is not a gift to the party from me. I have no more rights then any other male there. The right to have a good time if I act like a human and make the most of the time.

 

Being married has never got me any extra points at any swing party that I have been to in thirty years. It not ever got me laid either. Me being me, such as that is works for me.

 

People should not use, abuse or treat a single person any different then they would treat anyone else. Male or female. Just seems that many feel they have that right because they "Brought something to the table."

[Thron&Thor 117]

The whole point of the single guy is so different than the single woman. The single woman tends to have more of that "afterglow" to share with the woman of the couple after playing with both...the sisterhood feeling...while the single guy is sort of like the extra "rooster" that does not have a place to fit in and must move on to the next couple with little or not connection to the couple he just played with...that's why they are single guys otherwise, they would be with a woman...they just can't connect with the woman's feelings and the man of the couple does not need another "rooster" to hang around.

[absingleman 178]

The whole point of the single guy is so different than the single woman. The single woman tends to have more of that "afterglow" to share with the woman of the couple after playing with both...the sisterhood feeling...while the single guy is sort of like the extra "rooster" that does not have a place to fit in and must move on to the next couple with little or not connection to the couple he just played with...that's why they are single guys otherwise, they would be with a woman...they just can't connect with the woman's feelings and the man of the couple does not need another "rooster" to hang around.

 

I'm not going to make the obvious arguments about why some single men are single. The rooster comment is one that says "I have a territory to protect and I don't want anyone moving in on that territory." No single man that has had more than two swinging encounters would ever dream of, let alone try, to move in on someone else's wife. Many would not even think about doing anything more than asking a single woman he has just got together with at a club if she would like to meet him somewhere less sexually charged for a date because he has learned that she would have already asked him if that is what she wanted.

 

I'm not picking on you, just pointing out that some generalizations about single men are not based on men who swing regularly (or used to swing regularly) but on the trolls that have popped up more often since 1995 and the proliferation of sexually oriented web sites that supposedly promote swinging but are really amateur film sites with actors and models looking to make money in between mainstream guest spots on CSI or Law and Order.

 

LOL Don't take this so seriously. When you do, you stop having fun and start getting suspicious. In 22 years I've seen it all.

 

By the way, I'm not married because 8 years ago I was dating a woman who was just as ambitious as I was and we moved to different parts of the country to see who would have the better career. For me the internet bubble burst and I haven't found anyone I connect with. She got married a year later to a guy that convinced her to stop swinging. Not all of us, in fact very few of us, don't know how to connect with women emotionally. We are just a little more mature about what that connection means and if its real or just hormones.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The whole point of the single guy is so different than the single woman. The single woman tends to have more of that "afterglow" to share with the woman of the couple after playing with both...the sisterhood feeling...while the single guy is sort of like the extra "rooster" that does not have a place to fit in and must move on to the next couple with little or not connection to the couple he just played with...that's why they are single guys otherwise, they would be with a woman...they just can't connect with the woman's feelings and the man of the couple does not need another "rooster" to hang around.

 

You are kinda generalizing on women there as much as you are single men. I've never been the girl that "clicks" well with other girls. The times I've played alone (or even in a threesome) with other women I haven't felt any more of an "emotional" connection than I do with the men (probably less). I can talk to guys easier, I "get" guys. I don't tend to get where other women are coming from. In either case once the play is over I'm not going to want to stay there and "cuddle" or "bond". Afterglow is something I share with Pet and that's it.

 

To me singles (male or female) bring the same thing as couples - Something Extra, that we wouldn't have had without them.

[yuvaraja 17]

I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and almost of my MFM experiences have been where the husband is watching and touching himself. It's bittersweet because of the ego trip mixed with the sight of penis and turning on another man, so I feel a bit used there.

 

As for being used by the women, it's what draws me to the experience. I see it as more of an ego trip to be used for pleasure.

 

Also, I'm a textbook switch. I have friends that were turned off by experiences with couples because they're more dominant. 3+ people requires a lot of power switching.

[Malachista 170]

Yes, I did feel used before, and I am sure that it has happend that a guy felt used by me.

 

On the other hand there are times when I wonder if the guy was allright that I wanted to spend the whole evening with him. If he was just to polite to tell me to get lost so he could flirt and play with another woman.

But every now and then a guy drives me home, and tells me that he was happy that I spent the whole evening with him and didn’t leave after he got me off.

 

I guess I just have to learn to trust my gut feeling in this as well.

If he does not try to get distance between us after fucking, I can “use” him for talking, more flirting, cuddeling and more sex without needing to feel guilty once the evening is over

[NumbskullsX2 24]

Three couples at a table and a single is asked to join in on the conversation. Two of the females at the table take an interest in the guy. There appeared to me to begin a competition as to which female was going to win this young man. Eventually the guy goes to the play room with one of the couples and the other two couples stay at the table and visit. When the single and the couple return to the table after play the single then offers his services to the other interested female. She turns him down and she and her husband then leave the table to play with the couple they were visiting with. The couple he played with also leaves the table to go home leaving the single guy sitting alone at the table.

 

From my vantage point the guy looked rather dumbfounded that everyone left him sitting there alone after all of the attention during the previous hour and I actually felt sorry for him.

What's to feel sorry for? He left with what he came with, which is basically nothing. The other couple probably didn't want to play with him because they felt they were his second choice, and I don't blame them. They were right, by his actions, he made it obvious they WERE his second choice.

 

I have no sympathy for single men who feel "used" by couples. After all, the only reason the single male is there is to "use" the couples in the first place.

[Malachista 170]

What's to feel sorry for? He left with what he came with, which is basically nothing. The other couple probably didn't want to play with him because they felt they were his second choice, and I don't blame them. They were right, by his actions, he made it obvious they WERE his second choice..

 

Would it have been diffrent if he would have made it clear that he would play with both couples before going with the first?

Or is is just "forbbiden" that a single guy (or girl?) can play with more then one coupe at a night?

[NumbskullsX2 24]

Would it have been diffrent if he would have made it clear that he would play with both couples before going with the first?

Or is is just "forbbiden" that a single guy (or girl?) can play with more then one coupe at a night?

If he was sitting at the table flirting with both couples, he was making it clear he'd play with both. The problem is, nobody likes to feel they're somebody's "second choice" when it comes to things like this, especially if there are other people available (which in this case, there were). It's an awkward situation. He was lucky to have 2 couples to choose from, I trust that he chose the one he most wanted to be with first.

 

If you invited a guy to play, and he said "Not now, I want to be with this other girl first" would you give him a rain check for later?

[Malachista 170]

If you invited a guy to play, and he said "Not now, I want to be with this other girl first" would you give him a rain check for later?

 

Most likely yes.

The only problem I would have would be if he chased that other girl for the whole evening and would only come over to me again 20 minutes before he wants to go home because he can't get her and is just getting desperate

[absingleman 178]

Most likely yes.

The only problem I would have would be if he chased that other girl for the whole evening and would only come over to me again 20 minutes before he wants to go home because he can't get her and is just getting desperate

 

Exactly. This is swinging, not dating. If its an on premises club or party, what are the chances that the couple is going to play with one couple, then another later that night? A single woman?

 

Here is the long and short of it. The guy got a chance for a threesome at a club. Even if it was his only one for the night, most unaccompanied men at a swing club would see that as a good night and probably just chilled, talked to others, and went home happy. How this particular guy felt can't be known unless the OP went and talked to him. To think he was disappointed because he only got to be with one couple is a little unrealistic. Maybe he was, but probably not. Not many guys are too disappointed if they flirt with three or four women IN ANY SITUATION and only get a chance to have sex with one and is turned down later by the others. We are taught to expect that. He might have been disappointed that nobody was there to hang out with after he had sex, but that wouldn't have lasted long. In my experience, there are two types of single men at swing clubs and parties: The one that has sex two or three times that night (usually an hour or two apart), and the one that doesn't have sex at all that night. Somebody saw him with the first couple, and if they didn't say he did something seriously wrong (not likely since they came back with him to the original group where they met him) someone else might have asked him to join them. If not that night, then the next time he went there.

[absingleman 178]

Most likely yes.

The only problem I would have would be if he chased that other girl for the whole evening and would only come over to me again 20 minutes before he wants to go home because he can't get her and is just getting desperate

 

Exactly. This is swinging, not dating. How could either of the other couples take what happened as him seeing one of them as HIS second choice? He talked to all three couples, and went off with one. The other couple decided they didn't want him to join them. Those are the breaks. I would say that he was more disappointed to be left alone after having a nice conversation with six people more than only having sex with one couple.

[sar308 15]

Used? Naa, but I would say, for me personally it did leave me with a hollow feeling which is why I decided in the long run as a single guy swinging is not for me. (But I like interacting with like minded people which is why I am here

 

Now ideally I would find a woman who feels the way I do about sex etc. But you have to be realisitic, its tough to find the right person to begin with and add this into the mix....