Ethical Non-Monogamy

[Billygoat 445]

Lifestyle and relationships are changing…evolving.  Although there are many who will live a monogamous life with a partner, one spouse for life, the monogamous living experiment is and has been a failure.  At best it is a “monogamous by choice in all my relationships” mantra.  The current percentage of infidelity in relationships, divorce rates and the number of “sexual experiences/partners” from 14-30 year old singles just does not meet the expected definition of monogamy.  
 

Im not complaining I applaud it.  I reside in the camp of consenting adults should be able to mutually define their relationship for their benefit.  If that is just two, three, four or more as long as they are all happy……..
 

over the past thirty years we have seen this grow in a positive way.  I hope over the next few years this will be recognized within require legal acceptance.  Until then a good lawyer can draw up documents/agreements that protect all equally in the arrangement.   Financial, shared assets, children, health and welfare, emergency contacts etc.  

 

But I do see all this coming.

 

https://www.romper.com/life/nonmonogamous-moms-polyamory-open-relationships-motherhood

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

Great article, and one that very much applies to our own situation.  More often than not we have seen couples where the wife is the primary driver in their non-monogamous adventures, even though stereotypes firmly dictate otherwise.  Honestly, I can't imagine it working very well when the opposite is true.

 

We have seen, on this board and in life, newbie couples whose husbands are surprised and dismayed when their wife's sexual appetite surpasses their own.  I always advise "Get used to it."

Edited January 26 by hunterdonNJcpl

[TeamCalgary 169]

Men bring the wives into the lifestyle, and the women keep the couple in it.

 

We have noticed, after being in this pursuit for a few years now, that there are many husbands 

in the LS who are uncomfortable when their wife enjoys themselves. The double standard lives, even here unfortunately.  

 

Great article, thank you Billygoat. 

[lcmim 1,086]

RANT warning:

 

It really amazes me that mature adults, especially LS mature adults seem to see  sexual freedom as somehow  opposed to monogamy.

 Monogamy literally means to be married to one. Mono(one) + Gameo ( I marry). The concept that this group , especially , sees marriage in gonadal terms  gives me a headache.

 That fact that the partnership of marriage is far more than just genital contact gets lost.

When I read posts here , as individuals, most of the poster have a handle on the reality.

As soon as the discussion turns to general terms there seems to be a reversion to how things were perceived in high school.

 

As individuals many of us see ourselves and express that we see ourselves as faithfully and passionately married to our partners. This partnership for us includes giving each other the gift of sexual variety.

 

Am I truly missing something? 

 

There is only one adult for whom I would willingly give my life, the one who I have entrusted my life to , when there was a medical situation in which I would  not be able to make my own decisions. That is the partner with whom my fate is married.

Those I have had sex with have all been good people. Some of them have been more intimately involved on  a deeper level. One of whom I loved in a way not possible without my wife's approval.

 

 With all of that , my reality is still very much monogamous.

 

Perhaps my problem stems from my belief that there is a substantial difference  between  a sexual freedom lifestyle and its subset which is swinging, in that swinging involves couples. The couple dynamic is unique in the game.

 

Of course there is overlap. One of our favorite playmates is a single male. In my mind though,we are swinging , he is just one very lucky single guy that my wife likes, who happens to play very well in an MFM scenario.

 

The way things are sometime discussed marriage is some how less, or limiting.

I do not believe that to be the case.

 

[couplers 4,717]

12 hours ago, lcmim said:

RANT warning

Not a rant at all, an excellent post.

 

But two comments from my perspective: 

The bond for us in our poly family is not marriage to one person, but our children.  Each the product of the love between two of us in our family, and treated equally as our own by all.

 

We are all (three women, two men) committed to each other and sexually/romantically involved, except for the guys to one another.  Although the initial involvement of us women was with either Red or David, our shared involvement with them, particularly motherhood, has reinforced the love, devotion, and Lesbian desires among us women. 

 

We in our family have, on occasion, each played sexually outside the family.  But as you said,

12 hours ago, lcmim said:

This partnership for us includes giving each other the gift of sexual variety.

 

I believe that we have created our own poly marriage through an army of accountants, lawyers, and insurance people. 

 

 

 

Edited January 28 by couplers

[Numex 2,459]

Poly people ruin many of the swinger/lifestyle concepts and definitions.

[Numex 2,459]

On 1/26/2024 at 1:41 PM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

We have seen, on this board and in life, newbie couples whose husbands are surprised and dismayed when their wife's sexual appetite surpasses their own.

 

On 1/26/2024 at 6:11 PM, TeamCalgary said:

We have noticed, after being in this pursuit for a few years now, that there are many husbands 

in the LS who are uncomfortable when their wife enjoys themselves.

I believe it's not discomfort with the fact their wife is enjoying herself, but that she can do so repeatedly.  A man has one or two shots in him for a number of hours, but a woman is limited only by her desires.  Especially if a man wants reclaiming sex with his wife after watching her fuck and enjoy other men, but can't.

[AdamGunn2 418]

I practice ENM, and support those who have taken this on as an experiment, hobby and/or lifestyle.

 

But . . . in our own day to day existence, dealing with what we deal with, there is a tendency to believe that because it's right for me (us,) it is and should be right for nearly everyone else. Because we hang out with people who believe somewhat as we do, we begin to take on a jaded view of what 'most people' do.

 

Monogamy is and always has been the lifestyle of choice for the vast majority of people in nearly every society, both present and past. Let's remember that the majority of your neighbors practice monogamy and they are, as much as possible, relatively happy people.

[lovefest04 701]

I find it very exciting that people can and do practice the act of coupling in so many varied ways.

 

ICMIM makes a very good distinction and I find it refreshing and useful. Couplers practice a way of creating a family that many would frown upon, but it seems to work for them. I applaud them.

 

Life is an adventure and a buffet. We should all celebrate those that choose to embrace the new, different, weird, or unconventional. They help to show us all there are possibilities.

 

 

[Billygoat 445]

Pair bonding goes back to the very beginnings of humans and there is science based DNA (skeletal remains and articles found) that show these early humans (unlike Neanderthal) understood and made some sort of control of who pair bonds with who.  So pair bonding goes back to our very beginning.

 

There also is evidence that sons as well as daughters (it is speculated that more so daughters) would be sent to other family units, tribes, clans limiting the possibility of inbreeding.  It has been found that at best there might be 2nd cousins at best.

 

There is evidence showing through out early human history and forward a variety of sharing sexually, celebrations, gatherings and multiple husband or wives.  Much of this stood the test of time and practice from the beginning up to the 1900s and found in practice by tribes newly discovered in the mid-late 1900s https://www.news.com.au/technology/environment/natural-wonders/inside-the-mysterious-world-of-the-amazons-last-uncontacted-tribes-where-thousands-still-live-in-total-isolation-unaware-of-modern-life/news-story/8dfac22c939cd982003c86b36554b9b2  The early version of ENM. However, pair bonding was the large majority of early human relationships.

 

There is not a decline in pair bonding that shows it dying out only a change in how and when as well as how long a pair bond would be.  There is an increase and return of different bonding and family relationships.

[lcmim 1,086]

Couplers, Where your family falls in the structure that I outlined earlier would fall into the monogamous realm. The "playing around the edges " thread would fall into swinging. I think of polyamorous  permanent relationships the equivalent of committed monogamy. 

 

Polyamory I think has a similar definition problem to that of  committed ENM couplies. There are many who  call themselves "polyamorous" when I would just say "sleeping around".  Where the similarity comes in is that what can be clearly definitive terms, ENM and Polyamory, get blurred with just normal promiscuous  free sex living.

[couplers 4,717]

20 hours ago, lcmim said:

I think of polyamorous  permanent relationships the equivalent of committed monogamy.

Agreed.  We are highly committed to one another in every way. 

 

20 hours ago, lcmim said:

The "playing around the edges " thread would fall into swinging.

Agreed, because 

On 1/27/2024 at 5:03 PM, lcmim said:

 

As individuals many of us see ourselves and express that we see ourselves as faithfully and passionately married to our partners. This partnership for us includes giving each other the gift of sexual variety.

For us as well it is a sense of exploring, of mutual adventure.