First time / male for wife to text flirt with etc

[AusAsh 2]

Hello all,

 

my wife and I are just getting into the idea of all this. I fantasize a lot about her being flirty and dirty over text with someone good looking and nice. We aren’t sure the best way to go about starting this. We have both established our “rules” with each other and are on the same page. If anyone has any pointers, or suggestions I’m all ears. 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Welcome AusAsh! You're in the right place!

 

There's lots of potential advice. More importantly, it's what works for you and your wife. Some general pieces of advice;

 

One very common piece of advice is for the two of you to move at the pace of the one wanting to move the slowest. The other needs to be patient. Rushing it will kill it, and will likely cause problems if you keep at it. It sounds though like the two of you have figured a lot of things out and are ..as you say.. on the same page. Sounds good!

 

Find a swinger dating site that works for you in your area.  A common one is swinglifestyle.com. Another is sdc.com. Do some searches, see which ones return the most "possible" matches in your area (or the area you want to play) and sign up for that site. Set up your profile, make it clear what you're after. Your profile is your best advertisement; make it good. My wife and I routinely ignored profiles that had one or two lines in them. If you can't be bothered to write a good profile, you probably can't be bothered to be any good in bed. Since you're wanting an MFM, getting pictures of your wife into your profile will help a lot. Face shots aren't necessary. But, her dressed in some sexy lingerie, in provocative poses would do well to help boost responses to your profile.

 

Important; PAY for your account on the site. You don't have to pay for a long period, but pay. Many swingers won't take someone seriously without a paid account. If you don't like it, you can let it expire. Similarly; don't pay attention to single males that don't have a paid account. It's not worth the effort. Either they're serious about the lifestyle, or they're just tourists. You don't want a tourist. You want someone who understands the lifestyle, and has made at least some kind of commitment to being in it. A tourist usually is just looking for a quick, easy fuck.

 

You're looking for a single male (or a married male playing with permission). Of course, I presume you're not looking to find a cheater. Anyway... there are a large number of single males out there in this lifestyle who just aren't all that good. You have to spend some time weeding out the bad ones to find a few good ones. It can be done. My wife and I have done a lot of MFMs over the years, and have found some pretty good men. Two of them became long term boyfriends. So, how to find them? One easy filter mechanism is to add a line somewhere in your (well crafted) profile that says something like "When you send us a message say the word blue somewhere in your message". Or, something similarly innocuous. Why is this important? If the person who sends you a message doesn't include what you ask, you know they didn't read your profile. Delete their message, block them from sending you messages, and move on. There are single guys who just throw out messages to every single couple out there looking for single men, hoping that if they throw enough spaghetti at the wall something will stick. You really don't want a guy like that.

 

Always meet a potential partner at a neutral location, like a decent restaurant or upscale bar. Pay attention to how he behaves towards you and towards your wife. Is he respectful to both of you? Does he ignore you and pay attention only to her? Or worse, vice versa? A single male has to understand his role in the threesome, and being disrespectful to either the husband or the wife is a deal breaker for us. Did he show up dressed like he was going on a first date or is he dressed like a schlub? Why is he in the lifestyle? Does the reason make sense? Check for warning signs that he's cheating. Sometimes you can even spot a missing ring on the ring finger. If he says his wife is happy for him to play, and you get interested in him, then insist on talking with his wife.

 

The first meet doesn't have to be a play date. Get to know the guy a bit, see what he's like. Take the opportunity after the meet-and-greet to talk with your wife and see how she feels about him, whether she'd like to proceed. There's no race here. Find the right guy. Make sure he's one you both agree on.

 

I could write more and more here, but this gives you some starting points. It might take some effort to find a good guy, but it's worth it. If you're anything like myself or many other married men in the lifestyle, getting to watch your wife having sex with someone she's really enjoying is an enthralling, highly charged, and wonderful experience! Hot hot hot!

 

Something else to consider; do you play repeats? My wife and I talked about this a lot before we got into swinging. What if you and your wife find a guy she really enjoys having sex with? Do she keep having sex with him or do you move on to the next guy because you're concerned about emotions developing? As a new swinger, it may seem scary to consider the idea that your wife and her lover might develop feelings for each other. I get it, and it's a rational fear. A flip side to it though is; if your wife is having fantastic sex with this guy, do you really want to put him in the past? A big reason to be in the lifestyle is to find other great sex partners. Why get rid of the guy?

 

The big takeaway from repeating with a guy; caution is warranted over feelings developing. You and your wife need to keep talking, both in the bedroom and out of it, over how things are going for both of you in this, how is it affecting your relationship, is she beginning to feel emotions for him? It's totally natural for feelings to begin to develop after having sex with someone a number of times. How does this feel? Is it ok, or is a step back needed? How you proceed? Keep talking. Keep talking. KEEP TALKING!

 

Keep asking us questions! We're a helpful bunch!

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

10 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Find a swinger dating site that works for you in your area

 

Important; PAY for your account on the site. You don't have to pay for a long period, but pay.

 

One easy filter mechanism is to add a line somewhere in your (well crafted) profile that says something like "When you send us a message say the word blue somewhere in your message". Or, something similarly innocuous. Why is this important? If the person who sends you a message doesn't include what you ask, you know they didn't read your profile. Delete their message, block them from sending you messages, and move on. There are single guys who just throw out messages to every single couple out there looking for single men, hoping that if they throw enough spaghetti at the wall something will stick. You really don't want a guy like that.

Very good advice.  Since you're looking to develop an online/text/message situation first then a swinger site seems like the place to start.

 

Lots of couples become jaded by the glut of shit single men online and block single males entirely. But if you employ some filter techniques as described by @bbarnsworth and use common sense and street smarts you will be able to separate the good from the bad.

 

We've been in the LS 25 years and have had (and continue to have) many great experiences with single males. It takes work, but when you finally find compatible singles it's well worth the effort.

Edited February 11 by hunterdonNJcpl

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'll add on; if your profile says you're wanting single males, you're going to get BOMBARDED with messages. This is to be expected. Don't be overwhelmed by it. Expect a lot of single males to send hopeful contact messages that are little more than "Hey you're hot. Wanna fuck?"  Down filter messages quickly, beyond just the included word I mentioned. Did they write more an a sentence or two? Did they appear to read and respond to your profile's contents? Did they bother to spell things correctly? That's not to be a grammar/spelling nazi. It's ...did they take the care to get it right? If the best they can do is badly formed sentences and misspelled words, they're probably not all that smart. Half of people are dumber than average It might seem a bit harsh, but when you are getting overwhelmed quickly dispense with messages on such criteria to filter out the not-worth-your-times, and get to the guys who might be worth it.

 

Hunterdon said it, and I said it before. It really is worth it! When you find a good guy (and they really are out there!) you and your wife both will be very happy with it all. It's a wonderful, wonderful experience to share your wife in an MFM.

[AusAsh 2]

Wow this is all really good advise and I really appreciate the feedback. My wife and I were talking last night and she was saying that she wishes there was a “professional” we could talk to or something before jumping into all this, or have another couple that is already in this lifestyle that we could both talk to and have some questions answered. So this is great thank you.

 

one of the biggest concerns that she has is the, “how is this going to affect our relationship” type concern. And then obviously my biggest concern in the back of my head as the husband is “is my wife going to catch feelings for someone else”.

 

at the end of the day, we both want this to be a super positive and HOT HOT HOT experience. Filtering through both of our concerns and being on the same page is important to us. 
 

Thank you @bbarnsworth and @hunterdonNJcpl

Edited February 11 by AusAsh

[PeterJ 940]

@AusAsh, in addition to the excellent advice you have already received here, I recommend you and your wife also read "The Ethical Slut". It is available in print and also iBook and Kindle formats. It isn’t a "how to" book as much as a "how to think about" volume. I believe you will find it helpful in dealing positively with the possible relationship issues you’ve noted.

 

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://a.co/d/hPOP5LA 

[AusAsh 2]

Could someone help me explain in better words something for my wife.

 

My wife wants to “understand why a man would want to share his wife? After the act or whatever does the guy ever feel less for the woman because he just saw her with another partner.”
 

Husbands, can you help me explain? 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

 

On 2/11/2024 at 3:14 PM, AusAsh said:

Wow this is all really good advise and I really appreciate the feedback. My wife and I were talking last night and she was saying that she wishes there was a “professional” we could talk to or something before jumping into all this, or have another couple that is already in this lifestyle that we could both talk to and have some questions answered. So this is great thank you.

 

When my wife and I first considered the lifestyle 16 years ago now, we found this forum. This forum became our "professionals". Ok nobody's being paid to post here But there's a lot of people here well experienced in the lifestyle. There's lots of different approaches to it, but we all share some commonalities as well, and have lots of accumulated knowledge to share. That's why I said we're a helpful bunch We are! I've often said there's no way my wife and I would have gotten into the lifestyle without this forum. If we were local to you, we'd be happy to meet up with you. Not to play, but just to talk it all out. But, I doubt we are Does the "Aus" part mean Australia? I've been to Australia, but it's not where we live 😕

 

 

21 hours ago, AusAsh said:

Could someone help me explain in better words something for my wife.

 

My wife wants to “understand why a man would want to share his wife? After the act or whatever does the guy ever feel less for the woman because he just saw her with another partner.”
 

Husbands, can you help me explain? 

 

Absolutely. Here's the abridged form; you can't explain why, and no you won't feel less for your wife (rather the opposite)!  

 

Now for the longer form...I'm typing all of this (a) because when I get going I type a lot and (b) it's a bit hard to explain in such a way that might help you without getting wordy. At least, for me it is. I hope your wife reads this with you.

 

This was something that puzzled me greatly when we got into the lifestyle. I did not anticipate how much I would enjoy my wife having sex with another man. I mean, from a sexy, kinky stand point I thought "Hey this should be fun!" Sure. But, I really didn't anticipate how I would respond. The first few times we played were first with a couple in a soft swap, and then a couple of single males. We had a good time each time, but it wasn't like it was a mind blowing experience. My wife and I had talked about this beforehand; what if it was all just so-so? We decided beforehand that just like dating, sometimes there's going to be duds and semi-duds. You move on, find someone better. We didn't think it would be fair to evaluate the lifestyle just on one or two encounters. So long as it wasn't hurting our relationship, we'd keep at it for a bit...no set amount of play dates, but we'd keep at it to give the lifestyle a fair opportunity to evaluate it. Then came the third MFM.

 

The third MFM was with a guy who was actively serving in the military. My wife loves men in uniform, but it's more about character and willingness to serve than the uniform itself. I served in the military too. Physically he was very different than me. A bit taller, but huskier build, and quite hirsute. I could go into more details about that entire date, but really the main point here is that my wife thoroughly enjoyed having sex with him. She responded to him in a way that she hadn't responded to the first couple of MFMs. The sounds she was making were absolutely delightful, the way she was moving for him and with him were intensely erotic, and the sex was just toe curling for her. She just couldn't get enough sex with him. Even now, more than 15 years on, it still turns me on thinking about how she enjoyed that night. She loved every moment of it, and was totally into him. When the evening finally ended, and we got into the car she turned to me with a huge grin on her face and said "Ok, NOW I'm a swinger!". She was hooked!

 

Thing was, so was I! She had so much fun that it was enthralling for me to see her have such a great time having sex with him. I loved it, absolutely loved it! I could have watched them for hours. Coming away from that, it set my brain to trying to figure out WHY I loved it so much. I mean, we're raised being told how bad cheating is, and you must be monogamous, never cheating on someone, and for guys we're often told how even just looking at any other woman with your girlfriend or wife catching you is a doghouse death sentence, and for a woman to want sex so much makes her a dirty, filthy whore. If she does cheat, you're supposed to get angry, feel betrayed, think she's tainted, want to break up with her and find a faithful woman! How DARE she! The social programming is hard core. Except of course...this isn't cheating. Already the social programming is turned on its head.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I loved it so much, why seeing her so enthralled having her arms and legs wrapped around another man was so enthralling to me. I couldn't explain it. To this day, I STILL can't explain it. There's a lot of things that contribute, I'm sure. It's an act of enormous love for your partner to share her with another man. Wanting her to be so happy, so fulfilled...it's fulfilling to you too. There's psychology behind that; doing an act of kindness for someone makes you feel better too. With the woman you love, helping her fulfill her sexual desires in this way is intensely freeing, intensely loving. So, there's a bit of "I helped her to achieve this, and wow is it awesome!" There's an aspect of it that is intense, raw sexual delight channeled through her, that you get to watch. It's like the best porn movie ever, with your wife as the star. Wrap that up with how much you love her and she loves you and...wow! There's an aspect of a mutually shared experience, something that society doesn't condone. You're being highly naughty, yet it feels so awesome. There's an aspect of her being such a sexual creature, knowing how much she enjoys it. If she didn't enjoy it, it would just be...meh. The more she enjoys it the more I love it!

 

There's many things that fold into it. I tried to sort this all out and come up with 'the answer', except there isn't one. I finally accepted that it was something I'd never fully explain to myself. I immensely enjoy my wife having sex with other men when she is really enjoying the experience. I just don't try to explain it anymore. I just accept it.

 

Not once...not a single time or moment...did I ever feel anything negative towards my wife for wanting to do this and enjoying it. My love for her has only intensified. Many couples on this forum on getting into the lifestyle have reported how having sex with others lit their own sex lives absolutely on fire, even if their own sex lives were fantastic before. Nobody should get into swinging to 'fix' anything (it'll make things worse, not better). But for couples with a good basis for getting into swinging, it usually sets things on fire.

 

The feeling here of taking such delight in a spouse having sex with someone else has a word; "compersion". Here's an article that goes into some depth about it:  https://psychcentral.com/relationships/compersion#tips  Quick definition of compersion; the opposite of jealousy.

 

It's important to note that while love, trust, communication, and a deep relationship are critically important factors in any couple wanting to get into the lifestyle, having feelings of compersion for your partner enjoying others is NOT a requirement. Some couples always play separate rooms, wanting the freedom to play for their partner but not really deriving any benefit from them doing so. Some couples (like my wife and I) there's one partner that really enjoys the other having sex with others, but the other partner isn't particularly responsive to their partner playing. My wife is happy for me when I get to play, but it doesn't "do" anything for her. It doesn't undermine us as swingers. So, if your wife doesn't have the same reaction to the idea of you having sex with other women as you likely will (from the sounds of it) of her doing so with another man, it doesn't mean something is 'wrong' and the two of you aren't ready. 

 

Something else; there's an old saying around here; swinging is a magnifying glass. It magnifies what it finds. If it finds love, it magnifies it. If it finds trust, it magnifies it. If it finds a solid relationship, it magnifies it. It seems counter intuitive that these things should be magnified by having sex with others. But, it's generally true. The reverse also is true. If it finds trust issues, it will make those worse. If there's deeply buried animosity undermining the love, it will magnify that. This isn't to worry you; just to help you be realists. If your relationship is on good, solid ground there's nothing really to fear so long as your communication stays wide open, and non-judgmental.