Made the mistake of saying no boundaries

[Newcoulpeontheblock 2]

Small background I was in a monogamous relationship for 12 years with my ex fiancé and was cheated on twice. The reason why I wanted mention this as my background was because my ex didn’t use condoms with any of the people she cheated on me with, then ended up getting chlamydia. 

Fast forward through the mental breakdown.

 

My new partner and I have been together for a year now, (MF) to me it’s a completely different relationship. She is poly and is open about her sexuality which has made me open up and want to experience new lifestyles. We have been interested in going to a swingers club called secrets but in our previous conversations full swap was something she wasn’t interested in, we agreed that we’re looking for another female to mingle and have some fun with.

 

Our first time visiting secrets was on my birthday, and we loved it. We were a little nervous, but we had a lot of fun just watching and exploring the amenities the resort has to offer. After a few drinks we went to the playroom to have some of the best sex we have ever had but didn’t play with anyone. Which we weren’t upset about, we were too busy all over each other. The next day we decided we had so much fun that we were going to go again since they were going to be having a larger event that night. 
 

On this night, we meet a couple in the hot tub and start mingling right away, but there was no flirting really at any part of the conversations throughout the night more of just getting know and some laughing. They were a sweet couple in their late 20’s, one of them identified as a trans woman and the other was female. They were also new to the lifestyle so we felt a little bit more comfortable with them. They were actually the only couple we talked to and was with all night but again no flirting was happening throughout the night. After some time in the hot tub and some light dancing at the night club we visit the playroom. My partner and I was under the impression that we were going to be spectating and maybe fool around with each other next to them. 
 

We find a spot where all of us could fit and lay down next to each other. Before we started to play with our own partners, the other couple asked us if we had any boundaries. My partner and I never fully set boundaries before even going to secrets which I know was a mistake. So in the moment when we were asked we both kind of hesitated and said no boundaries. I know that was our next mistake. As we all started to play with our partners some minor touching is occurring between both couples. After some time My partner and their partner started to make out, then as my partner is going down on her. They started to please their partner again by sucking her breast so I joined in to do the same. After some time of 3 pleasing 1 (which was pretty hot) we did a full swap and started to play with each other’s partner. Everything was happening so fast but it seemed like everyone was on board with it. 
 

We started going down on each other’s partner then before it escalating any further my partner whispered in my ear “are we going through with this?” And I said “I’m good with it if you are” so we continued. We only had one condom at the time so they ended up using it.  I had to leave the room to get a condom. When I come back my partner and them are still going at it, so now their partner and I start to have sex but that ended quickly due to minor difficulties on both of us. It seemed like we all had fun though, nothing got awkward afterwards. 
 

After the playroom we invited the other couple to get some food at a restaurant then after that we said our goodbyes. While my partner and I were driving home we started talking about what just happened. Making sure we’re okay and that we were treated right. I think we were both a little in awe that just happened and a little confused on how things escalated that quickly. Throughout the conversation were smiling, laughing, and we both agreed that we enjoyed the experience.

 

This is where the night gets ruined. After me asking my partner how did they treat you there was some hesitation which had me worry a bit. She said good but it wasn’t really satisfying. So I asked her if she had an orgasm and she said no but they finished on me. I was confused at this point, I thought they were wearing a condom. She said while they were having sex they didn’t notice they lost the condom inside of her so they had to stop to get it out. They continued to have sex after that and they finished on her. After hearing this I was no longer okay. I felt disrespected by both my partner and them. I was under the assumption that protection is a must especially when playing with another couple. After me realizing they both had more than enough time to make a decision to either go grab another condom or to end things there. I started to feel that hurt again from my previous relationship.
 

I’m honestly confused I had no problem with them having sex with my partner but once I found out that they continued without a condom I was upset. I felt disrespected by them making their own decision knowing that they haven’t cum yet, to continue without a condom with someone else’s partner without asking or knowing how we felt about that. I felt disrespected by my partner making the decision to continue also knowing that they haven’t cum yet. She also said since they were having sex already with the condom lost inside of her that I didn’t matter if they continued. Which I was not happy with that answer. 

I am in the wrong for feeling this way? Respect plays a big role in my life and when I feel disrespected I don’t usually give 3 strikes. In my opinion I give to much respect to others to be disrespected so if I am, I will usually just stop talking to them completely. I told my partner that I don’t want to play with that couple again so we ended our conversation that night hurt and very confused. I know what’s done is done, it’s our fault for saying no boundaries and not setting our own boundaries. I don’t see this being the end to our exploration, we can only learn from our mistakes but I would like to know more on how people navigate these situations. When it comes to condoms wouldn’t it be common etiquette to always be wearing one Unless told otherwise? I am wrong to say that we shouldn’t see this couple again?  

This is a subject that I don’t have anyone I can talk to about so I appreciate your feedback! 
 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Hey Newcoupleontheblock! Welcome! You're in the right place!

 

So there's a bit to untangle here.

 

First, I agree that if you start out with a condom and it slips off, that out of consideration you should be getting another condom on before continuing. I certainly would do that. In the very least, if I thought of continuing without a condom, I would ask the lady in question how she wanted to proceed. On the other hand, the other couple was told "no boundaries". This could have been interpreted as no condoms being ok. Still, if you start with condoms, you end with condoms unless otherwise told.

 

Second, yeah it was likely a mistake to shift gears into overdrive in the middle of things when you expected it to be a no-swap night. Usually (not always, but usually) it's a bad idea to do that. Feelings can get hurt, misunderstandings happen, and undermining of trust can start being a problem even when it's not intentional. Next time, I recommend you set out the boundaries for the evening before getting to a club or meeting a couple. Don't change the boundaries for the evening. If you're in the lifestyle long enough, the boundaries usually evaporate so down the road it's not an issue. Right now it is (and that's ok) so don't flex them without being removed from the situation. That's my advice.

 

Third, I would caution you about reacting to this situation based on things that have happened in your past. I know we are products of our experiences. But, it isn't fair to your partner to judge what she's done based on how another woman from your past acted. There's no possible way she can stay clear of all potential problems based on what was inflicted on you in the past. Love her, explain to her, and tell her you don't judge her on that and know that you're going to react emotionally but that you're working to make that the past, and not the now.

 

Whether or not this couple is in the past is hard to judge. Only you (and your partner) can judge that. But, if you had a good time with them, that's a treasure to have. It'd be interesting to hear their perspective (though of course we can't know).

 

It's great that you otherwise had a great time! It's just that boundaries got smashed and expectations not met. Don't treat this as a massive boulder that smashed into your car. It's a bump in the road. Take some time to digest, talk with your partner, build love and move on.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

11 hours ago, Newcoulpeontheblock said:

Before we started to play with our own partners, the other couple asked us if we had any boundaries. My partner and I never fully set boundaries before even going to secrets which I know was a mistake. So in the moment when we were asked we both kind of hesitated and said no boundaries.

 

Common beginner's mistake right there. One one hand, you're new to the LS so you haven't had the experience yet to outline your likes and dislikes while pregaming. On the other hand, if the other couple knew you were both newbies they should have proceeded cautiously - despite lacking a list of boundaries. 

 

Live and learn. It's always a good idea to pregame a little before diving in. The pregame should include boundaries (as I'm sure your next one will) but it should also include the things you like, as well as any mutually agreed upon fantasies you would like to fulfill.

[Newcoulpeontheblock 2]

Thank you for your advice, pretty sure I was shaking my head in agreeance while reading all of it. I know I still need to work on some things from my past. I’ve been able to opened myself a lot this past year with the help of my partner. Which I’m very grateful for, so I want to apologize to her and explain my reaction. We’re just working a lot this week, our hours are completely opposite I work all night she work's all day. I want to find the right time to do it in person. 
 

Boundaries will definitely be made for next time and I like the advice on agreeing upon mutual fantasies that sounds like it could be fun and kind of kinky.