Boundaries broken in 3some.. advice plz

[Curiousbee 0]

I (32F) and my boyfriend (38M) had discussing having a 3some on and off due to me bringing up my fantasies about him and another woman. Though we never got down into the nitty gritty and discussed boundaries, desires, and what we were looking for and what doing this would look like in our day to day life as we wanted to keep the two separate as much as possible since we have young children.
 

Well we finally got down to it and talked about it all and discussed boundaries and agreed on certain things to stay within my comfort zone and respecting my boundaries as he said he didn’t have any. We discussed certain topics that were more important numerous times and I made sure too because I know that he has some trouble with memory and forgetting things constantly. So I wanted to be sure that we were able to be on the same page and both be able to enjoy our first experiences since this is the first time we were doing anything like this and knowing that he has never had a 3some himself. Since we talked about it so many times and while we adjusted and add or took away concerns as we got more in depth about this I understand if you forget something that we didn’t discuss several times and it was always a firm stance each time he wouldn’t need to put much thought into it when it did occur. 
 

well we found a person that we connected with and set up a meeting and a first play date. Though the second play date was a spur of the moment decision on my part to ask him if he would be interested in having a play date that night. Which between me asking him and talking to her since we were already texting an hour had passed by and she had arrived. Though he said he wanted a chance to talk to me before he went out and by the time he arrived back home there was no time. She had parked and let us know she was there two minutes after he walked in the door. He didn’t pull me aside or make a big deal about the conversation so I didn’t worry too much about it. 
 

well the only difference in this play date he planned on going all the way this time since the circumstances didn’t align that he could the first night she had come over. However we talked about boundaries when that would happen specifically for the first time it happened we had talked about certain safety measures to avoid hurt feelings and possible oh shit this isn’t the fantasy I was thinking it would be moment for either of us. We talked about it several times so again I wasn’t worried anything would go array. 
 

Unfortunately there were two things that we discussed at length multiple times and different ways to handle if one of the happened; yet both those boundaries were crossed by him. I stayed in the moment and thought we could talk about it later. Well we didn’t discuss it that night and some time went by the next day before we were able to talk. 

 

So, directly after she left that night he went into the kitchen to finish the baking that he was doing and just did his own this and didn’t spend time with me for at least an hour after she left possibly a little longer and by the time he had come to spend time with me I felt completely rejected by him for not even talking to me after. So we ended up talking about that. 
 

However, when we finally discussed it he explained to me that he forgot and he was in the moment and just did a thing basically. Then he told me that he was upset at me for planning this to happen so spontaneously because he needs time to plan out what he is going to do in his head and if he had that time then this wouldn’t have happened. Which made me feel like he was gaslighting me and blaming me for being in the moment and not thinking hey let me not cross a boundary that we set and agreed on. That isn’t my fault I didn’t push him to take any action. I don’t understand why there is a need to plan out what is going to happen in his head in advance to make sure that you respect the boundaries that we set either though. So I’m just at a loss here because I’m hurt and I feel deprioritized and when I try to talk to him about it still I receive him justifying what happened and being told I need to understand so I don’t feel this way. I don’t know how to work through this or if this is normal? I’ve never experienced this with anyone else I’ve had a 3some with. 
 

 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

6 hours ago, Curiousbee said:

when we finally discussed it he explained to me that he forgot and he was in the moment and just did a thing basically. Then he told me that he was upset at me for planning this to happen so spontaneously because he needs time to plan out what he is going to do in his head and if he had that time then this wouldn’t have happened. Which made me feel like he was gaslighting me and blaming me for being in the moment and not thinking hey let me not cross a boundary that we set and agreed on. That isn’t my fault I didn’t push him to take any action. I don’t understand why there is a need to plan out what is going to happen in his head in advance to make sure that you respect the boundaries that we set

When should a man be upset with his girl for setting up a spontaneous 3sum? The answer is never.  When should a man take a 3sum with his girl for granted and have a blasé attitude toward it? Again, the answer is never.

 

If I'm honest your boyfriend sounds thoughtless, self-absorbed and immature.  And that's coming from a person who usually pushes the forgive and forget approach to Lifestyle angst here.  He fails to appreciate the incredibly rare and special situation he has with you.

 

Maybe tell him if he can't appreciate what he with you, and follow a basic set of predefined rules, you will find a man who can.

 

And trust me, starting over in the LS with a new, willing partner will be a lot easier for you than it will be for him.

[oldswinger64 111]

1 hour ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

When should a man be upset with his girl for setting up a spontaneous 3sum? The answer is never.  When should a man take a 3sum with his girl for granted and have a blasé attitude toward it? Again, the answer is never.

I STRONGLY disagree.  Men have a right to their boundaries also. In the original post, writer states that partner did not have boundaries.  He just expressed it.  Personally, I also am less spontaneous.  I want to make sure my responsibilities are taken care of, and we have a chance to have interaction with each other before any activities.  That is me.  Both of you need to learn from what has happened, and then make decisions on future activities from there.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Uhhh, communication...if he didn't want to have a spontaneous play date, then he should have said something when it was suggested. Then things kind of get confusing...he went out and then got back two minutes before she arrived...? Then after she left, he went back to FINISH his baking? Ok, I'm guessing that he needed something for what he was baking so he went and got it, came home, and finished...all understandable, except what would he have done about his baking if you were all going to play? It's all beside the point: If he would have just said that he was busy and could they get together to play at some other time there wouldn't have been a problem.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

33 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

If he would have just said that he was busy and could they get together to play at some other time there wouldn't have been a problem.

I'm not sure what kind of guy would take a raincheck on a FMF to do some baking. Pretty sure the baking can be done tomorrow. What is it they say about how many times opportunity comes a knockin? 🤔

[lcmim 1,082]

You describe him as forgetful and seemingly unable to shift gears quickly as things change.

 I am curious. Are these personality flaws or symptoms of some sort of neurological/psychological  problem.

 

I sometimes forget when a topic is of no interest to me, even when others find it important.. (This is a flaw)

I am increasingly forgetful of things that I wish to recall due to my brain aging and not being as agile as it once was. (Which is not a personality flaw just an imperfection)

I am also getting more crochety about things being sprung on me. (This is probably a bit of both)

 

 Various PTSD type of things can elicit the things you describe, as can some portions of the autism spectrum.

I once had something hit me in a LS situation . It made NO sense to me or my wife. A few nights later, while drifting off to sleep..EUREKA... .

Something from very early sexual awareness which was minor ,and long filed away.

It was something that was not minor then and beyond my ability to deal with at the time.

Suddenly in the midst of an otherwise pleasant LS evening a portion of my mind was suddenly 13-14 years old emotionally distraught.

Once I understood it was good for a laugh.

 

Figuring out why his reaction was as it was would be a first place to go.

The LS is potentially a complex path. We ALL have histories that may at one point or another blindside us for good or ill. 

 

[lcmim 1,082]

Hunter, it depends what point the baking is at.

If your yeast sponge is perking away you are committed as you are while the bread is rising.

[discreetplay 235]

What boundaries were crossed? I had a hard time following the post. 

 

14 hours ago, Curiousbee said:

when we finally discussed it he explained to me that he forgot and he was in the moment and just did a thing basically

He "did a thing basically"? 

[bbarnsworth 2,638]

I'm frankly astonished that he would pretty much ignore you for an hour after she left. That's mind boggling to me. But, I don't know much about the situation or circumstance.

 

What is clear to me is that communication HAS to improve.  Further, if he can't respect your boundaries, then there shouldn't be any risking of those boundaries; i.e. stop swinging until he's capable of remembering. Maybe that's never. I don't know.

[Curiousbee 0]

Well he also picked her leg up while was was playing with her so he could get between her legs and kept moving in trying to fuck her until I finally just backed away and sat there left to just watch him do it since she was on her back and he was leaning over her and her head was touching my headboard so there was no way for me to be involved… then I was just like um okay? .. and he didn’t even look back he only turned his head to look at me when I got out of bed and went to my nightstand to get a toy so I wasn’t just sitting there and then he turned his head back to her and kept going until I sat back down on the bed then told me he just couldn’t do it the condom was too tight and hurting him. Told me to just play with her and let her play with me and left the room… so I followed him out and tried talking to him and told him to not just give up try again and do it the right way.. well we did expect I ended up just laying there watching cus it didn’t take her long to stop playing with me and the only thing he has ever said as far as playing with me while he is with someone is I can kiss him and I had no desire to try and make out with him with her had her bent over so I just tried to go with it and waited my turn basically but he kept going after she literally said I’m cumming and then he kept going until after she cam a second time then finally decided he was ready to be with me expect it disnt last long at all and I never got to finish. I never felt more unwanted by him. Until he just went back to baking and then cleaning the kitchen and after pacing in and out of the room saying he wanted to go to bed so she would get the hint and leave. Then he tried saying he was gonna walk her out so I was like we both can and he just let her out the door at that point and I knew he was trying to go outside and kiss her cus he told her when they were texting that they could kiss as long as I didn’t see cus I don’t want him to kiss someone else since kissing means more to me than sex. And I already let him kiss her the first time that she came over cus she kept trying to kiss him and I was just over it already. 

[Curiousbee 0]

5 hours ago, discreetplay said:

What boundaries were crossed? I had a hard time following the post. 

 

He "did a thing basically"? 

Well we agreed that the first time he was with someone else he would start with me and finish with me cus I was super nervous about how it would feel to watch him with someone else since we have never done that. And that didn’t happen. We also agreed that I wouldn’t just be left on the sideline to just watch and not only did that happen he basically pushed me out so he could fuck her in a position and in a spot that there was no way to be involved. Then he basically told me that there was no way to try again and change this horrible situation and try and fix it and do it right so it could just be an oops I messed up but that’s not the only memory and we just never do this again because he just can’t be involved unless he could fuck her without the condom cus he went and bought them for himself yet couldn’t get ones that weren’t too tight as if he doesn’t know what condoms work for him.. and tried to say that they didn’t have the ones he wanted so he just got these so I was pushed into letting him not use a condom even tho that was a hard limit for so many reasons. We also talked about after care being a thing and that never happened. You can also add him trying to tell me he didn’t fuck her the first round at all he was never inside of her even though I watched him thursting back and forth and it was so clear that he was inside of her between him groaning and her moaning and him sitting back up to reposition and try and get back inside of her after I got back on the bed and he turned to me and said he just can’t do it the condom hurt. But we also agreed that missionary with someone else isn’t something that was going to happen one because that literally leaves me on the sidelines and two because there is just no reason for this to turn into this intimate and love making thing.. it’s just supposed to be something that is fun and no attachments. 

[Curiousbee 0]

13 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

When should a man be upset with his girl for setting up a spontaneous 3sum? The answer is never.  When should a man take a 3sum with his girl for granted and have a blasé attitude toward it? Again, the answer is never.

 

If I'm honest your boyfriend sounds thoughtless, self-absorbed and immature.  And that's coming from a person who usually pushes the forgive and forget approach to Lifestyle angst here.  He fails to appreciate the incredibly rare and special situation he has with you.

 

Maybe tell him if he can't appreciate what he with you, and follow a basic set of predefined rules, you will find a man who can.

 

And trust me, starting over in the LS with a new, willing partner will be a lot easier for you than it will be for him.

Thank you, hgh it’s frustrating enough that he is all I have no boundaries. Im agreeing to have your boundaries and then sexts people saying he is going to do things that we agreed aren’t going to happen. He just tells me that he isn’t trying to do anything he doesn’t do with me. Which just makes me feel like there is nothing sacred about our sex life to him. Even tho he has said many times he wouldn’t finish in someone else because he doesn’t want to chance getting anyone pregnant he will turn around and tell people he is going to and wants to. And hints at wanting to do so to me and tries to tell me him agreeing to my boundaries is what makes these things sacred even tho there are boundaries that I have that he would have if I was with another guy if we hook up with a couple even tho we never talked about doing so until he told me that he matched a couple and he was swiping right on them. Also told me he doesn’t want to have a 3some with another guy now but who knows if there will be a time that he wants to but he isn’t okay with me even being with a single guy right now and anytime I’m with a guy he would want me to use a condom and he isn’t okay with them doing things with me that I don’t want him doing with others. Especially since one of the things is something I have only done with him and only tried it to begin with because I know it’s something that he enjoys doing and I wanted him to be happy… and he isn’t okay with someone else doing it even tho he wants to tell me he doesn’t remember me telling him that I never done it and he isn’t okay with me doing with someone now but at some point he will… hgh I just feel so betrayed right now and hurt and like I’m not a priority to him 

[Curiousbee 0]

12 hours ago, oldswinger64 said:

I STRONGLY disagree.  Men have a right to their boundaries also. In the original post, writer states that partner did not have boundaries.  He just expressed it.  Personally, I also am less spontaneous.  I want to make sure my responsibilities are taken care of, and we have a chance to have interaction with each other before any activities.  That is me.  Both of you need to learn from what has happened, and then make decisions on future activities from there.

We had been together earlier in the night and I asked him if she could come over before I invited her over and he said yes. He only said that he now wants to not have a spontaneous night after I told him I was upset that he crossed the boundaries that we set and things went so south.. but I did agree that we wouldn’t do it like that again and respected his wishes about it. 

Edited March 1 by Curiousbee

[Numex 2,416]

I'm not sure all that is going on here, but it makes me glad that Daniela and I have no boundaries in our play with others, except the commitment to our closed group of married couples that we only play within our group. A closed group was the trade for all of us in order to go bareback all the time. Boundaries create tension and potential conflict.

[luv2was 117]

On 2/28/2024 at 11:49 PM, Curiousbee said:

I (32F) and my boyfriend (38M) had discussing having a 3some ....
 

Well we finally got down to it and talked about it all and discussed boundaries and agreed on certain things to stay within my comfort zone and respecting my boundaries as he said he didn’t have any....

....

So, directly after she left that night he went into the kitchen to finish the baking that he was doing and just did his own this and didn’t spend time with me for at least an hour after she left possibly a little longer and by the time he had come to spend time with me I felt completely rejected by him for not even talking to me after. So we ended up talking about that. 
 

However, when we finally discussed it he explained to me that he forgot and he was in the moment and just did a thing basically. Then he told me that he was upset at me for planning this to happen so spontaneously because he needs time to plan out what he is going to do in his head and if he had that time then this wouldn’t have happened. Which made me feel like he was gaslighting me....
 

 

As always... good communication is essential.  In general it sounds like y'all are on the right path (being intentional in the process), there are just a few rough patches to smooth out.  This is common.

 

Bummer that you feel the "gaslight" effect.  That is very real, and can be very damaging.  I hope that y'all can work this out.  If you cannot get resolution on your own, there are many resources available now to get counseling from folks that specialize in CNM/ENM issues.

 

Speaking as someone who suffers a list of neurodivergent quirks...  It may be that your partner has some gaps there... which would explain quite a few things.

 

I find it unlikely that someone just starting out on this path would have "no boundaries"... that was a "red flag" for me.

 

Your experience is not too unusual.  Starting out, figuring out how to navigate this complex path, can be difficult.  Keep talking and learning.  Y'all are very fortunate and way ahead of the curve simply by both having an interest in a CNM relationship style, but very few folks grew up with a foundation in this... so you have to work at it.  There are many resources on CNM these days, including podcasts, this BBS, etc.  Keep expanding your knowledge & experience and I am confident that you will be able to sort this out (one way or another).

 

Good communication is a "Learned Skill" (it rarely comes naturally).

 

Wishing you the best!

[Jane1902 476]

I am wondering if this is the fantasy becoming the reality is just too much. I’m reading lots of boundaries and wonder if you had such a preconceived idea of what would happen and it didn’t go to your plan. How much discussion did you have with the other woman about what everyone wants and rules? Could you have talked to him while he was baking?

[Billygoat 443]

I’m kind of lost on the whole post.  No real details to address.

 

Communications, direct and to the point, honest and Frank discussion limits, hard NO and expectations are always a must.  It isn’t easy but necessary.  Most importantly between those in a relationship. And it should be with all involved in a sexual adventure.

 

Scripted sex play is not very adventurous however everyone involved should have an idea and share their expectations, desires as well as limitations and boundaries.  The act should be an adventurous, enjoyable experience for all.  It should be inclusive of all based on previous discussions. Communication.  There is no one specific way.

 

I might get some blow back on this but women are more adept, more capable of having multiple partners at the same time, both male and female.  And are far better at engaging with two or more simultaneously than men are.  For men it is a learned skill that also includes self control and using more than their penis to provide sexual stimulation.  Women tend to be more spontaneous where men tend to be more singular in their sexual activity in a shared sexual activity.