Turned on by bad experiences

[ThickHips 3]

For quite a few years I have fantasized about swinging, or cucking my boyfriend. We've been together for just over 8 years now, and as the years have passed, our sex life has slowly ebbed away. We roleplay threesomes, and having people watch us, but have never come close to turning it into a reality, not to mention, it is the other guy I would be turned on by and wanting. 

 

Having found this forum, the thing I keep getting so aroused by are the stories where it doesn't go to plan, a guy manipulates others, or freezes out the other boyfriend, where the woman is talked into something and it all gets out of hand. I find that loss of control so sexy, and I was wondering if anyone had any of those types of experiences to share? 

 

As someone who would love to swing, but isn't anytime soon, it's enough to help me stay entertained while our sex life becomes even less lol

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

In normal couples-swap swinging things generally play out according to an agreed upon plan with personal boundaries being nudged very gently this way or that way.

 

Cuckoldry, however, is a more advanced (not for newbies) fetish and it sounds like that may be your kink.

 

In cuckoldry it's exciting when an Alpha Bull 'owns' a couple. Basically a couple relinquishes control to the Bull which often involves 'freezing out' the cuckold (possibly even making him wear a chastity device) and taking liberties with the wife that would not sit well in regular couples-swap swinging.

 

Advanced cuckoldry may involve dominance and humiliation directed at the cuckold, sometimes directed at cuckold and wife.  With experience the roleplay can get quite intense, but those who gravitate toward this fetish enjoy the rather extreme intensity that cuckoldry can bring.

 

Cuckoldry is a fetish that seems to be growing in popularity but it's not the kind of kink you want to jump straight into. The bag of mixed emotions that comes with it can be too much for those who have never shared their partner before.

 

We are swingers first and foremost, but cuckoldry is our kink and we have enjoyed many nights of decadent pleasure at the hands of of a few talented Bulls.

[couplers 4,717]

Your situation is the opposite of the usual "how do I get my wife to swing" question, but my advice is the same as I would give such a husband - let your partner go first.  Nothing says that the lifestyle must be symmetric.

 

Tell your boyfriend that you love him and would like for him to have a sexual adventure or two, it would make you happy.  Admittedly it's harder for a man to just put himself out there and find a casual sex partner, but when I decided I wanted my husband to play (after two years of him letting me have a boyfriend) I had success setting him up with my female friends and acquaintances.  As a married man offered up by his wife, my friends considered him safe, not immoral, and he is attractive.  If you are bi, offering that participation will attract some women as well. 

 

The long game here is to show your boyfriend the pleasures of the lifestyle and that he'll want you to play too.  That wasn't my husband’s goal with me, he was happy sharing me, but I wanted to see him with other women.

 

The other approach is to just tell him of your fantasy and what you want to do.  After turning it over in his mind for a while he may go for it.  He may be a willing cuckold.  Be sensitive to his desires, however; does he want to hear the details or not, meet your sideman or not, be humiliated or praised, have you come home sloppy or clean?

[PeterJ 960]

13 hours ago, ThickHips said:

For quite a few years I have fantasized about swinging, or cucking my boyfriend. We've been together for just over 8 years now, and as the years have passed, our sex life has slowly ebbed away. We roleplay threesomes, and having people watch us, but have never come close to turning it into a reality, not to mention, it is the other guy I would be turned on by and wanting. 

Thickhips, as hunterdonNJcouple notes, cuck play is a kind of "advanced" form of ENG (ethical non-monogamy). Based on your post I see no indication that cuckoldry is a fantasy you’ve shared with your boyfriend. I also note that in your post you indicate you believe you are a long way from turning any of your shared fantasies into reality. But either way, perhaps you should judiciously share with your boyfriend that you find cuckoldry fantasy engaging. His reaction will suggest whether this scenario is one that you both will wish to incorporate into your shared fantasy life. (If cuckoldry doesn’t appeal to him, you can still enjoy it privately.)

 

My own entry into my current broader ENG life was through hotwifing, as the other male playing with M/F couples. I never found being a bull attractive, but within the hotwife community cuckoldry is quite prominent. You may wish to check out ourhotwives.org.

 

If the two of you wish to eventually incorporate any of your shared fantasy life into your real lives, this forum is a good place to find answers to your questions and general support.

[PJ&Lin 188]

2 hours ago, PeterJ said:

ENG (ethical non-monogamy)

ENM Ethical Non-Monogamy  is a new expression to us too. 

[Numex 2,459]

My opinion is that more men are into hotwifing where the husband is an equal partner in putting his wife out there, than cuckolding, which implies the element of humiliation. So when you are discussing your fantasy with your boyfriend, propose it as a joint undertaking in selecting the other guy for you to play with, what you do with him at first [maybe just showing/playing with your tits, giving him a blowjob], whether it's a threesome. Make it fun for him, explore along the way, and if all goes right he'll let you move on to alone play without advanced notice to him. For you that would be treating him as a cuckold, while for him you're just hotwifing. Lifestyle is a cooperative adventure.

[ThickHips 3]

Thank you for your replies, some really helpful ones and insightful. I guess initially breaching the topic is a challenge for me, we roleplay and fantasise about fucking in front of someone, and even being joined, but when we're not having sex we don't have those discussions, and it becomes a bit of a dichotomy where the division between "sex talk" and "real talk," makes me worry about his reaction/feelings if I say I want him to purely watch: although reading some of the replies about boundaries being pushed etc, very erotic. 

[couplers 4,717]

12 hours ago, ThickHips said:

it becomes a bit of a dichotomy where the division between "sex talk" and "real talk," makes me worry about his reaction/feelings

Understood.  At some point start a "real talk" conversation about a small, comfortable "sex talk" topic that had come up, one that you think your boyfriend would move along.  Something along the lines of "Hey, we talked about a threesome with Mike and Mary.  I really like her tits and would want to watch you play with them."  Something very non-threatening for him, and see what he says.  Baby steps.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

I always say "nothing ventured nothing gained". Have the talk. Express your desires. Everyone here on this forum had to express their crazy Lifestyle desires to their spouse at some point or none of us would be here.

[couplers 4,717]

5 minutes ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Everyone here on this forum had to express their crazy Lifestyle desires to their spouse at some point

Yes, but start by putting it in a way that gives something to your spouse first, and doesn't make them feel inadequate.  You want see your spouse enjoying someone else, not that you want to have sex with another person.  If the first happens, the second follows.

[lcmim 1,086]

33 minutes ago, couplers said:

Yes, but start by putting it in a way that gives something to your spouse first, and doesn't make them feel inadequate.  You want see your spouse enjoying someone else, not that you want to have sex with another person.  If the first happens, the second follows.

  Only do this if it is something that you actually want not as a means to an end.

[Billygoat 445]

sorry for the long read.

 

I have a little different take…..or two cents of advice.  It is the same we’ve shared with couples and singles for the past two plus decades.

 

first, admittedly open, honest…..revealing discussion between two people in a relationship….long or short term is at best challenging, fearful and with many stumbling blocks and pitfalls.  Even the best of relationships has a great amount of difficulty “baring their soul” conversation with their SO/lover/best friend/soulmate.  Especially when feelings, desires, wants, needs are involved.  Ten times that when it involves intimacy….sex…..and the fear of hurting that special person.  
 

We have found a gradual step by step elevation of conversation….direct….not sugar coated….not camouflaged with half hearted “fishing” statements/questions and certainly never by demands or statements of “or else”, “got to have” or “I deserve”.  After all you are a couple, a team….the two of you against the world.  This should be an open conversation, not limited by time, casual about the both of you.  An extra, something exciting/pleasurable for you both….with equal interest and a casual easy simple first step.  Do not cloud it with Multiple “firsts” or directly jumping in with both feet into the deep end.

 

The Open Couple/Lifestyle/Ethical Non Monogamy is very broad.  It covers experiences….shared experiences….that could fill the Grand Canyon.  It does not define you it is just another branch of your life you share together.  My best image is think of it as a great tree.  A mighty Oak, Maple or Beech Tree.  A strong thick trunk with many deep roots, this is your relationship base.  From this to many branch’s stretching in every direction with many more branches that finger out from that.  Each with smaller branches that finger out even further, always growing.  All tipped with clusters of leave for each life experience with new buds renewing those experiences.  You grow and share together, as one, with many experiences in all aspects of your life together.

 

Alternate lifestyle is all inclusive. There are so many possibilities.  From art, music, travel, food etc etc.  Then there is also more intimate discoveries, personal, open and shared.  From adult social activities (clothed/non sexual, think dirty dancing/self expression), nudism, social mingling, lifestyle/ENM social but only the two of you (enjoying the social energy but only as a couple, just you two), same room play/sex between you two but in a room with other couples (voyeur) watching/being watched, playful touching with others,  couples soft swap/soft swing (oral/manual only), from here the possibilities are endless only limited by your imagination and mutual agreement only limitations are the limits you both agree together.  You move forward as a couple, open conversation both agreeable before participation.

 

Like. New born you learn to move (communicate with each other), crawl, walk, run and race.  You both decide next steps/experiences together equally.

 

I would advise the communication/comfort level for you both, small steps, small experiences shared together.  Then openly talk after for any advancement further.  Try going to a house party/club/event as a couple for the social experience, talk openly with others. Only play is between the two of you to start….baby steps.

 

In short do not involve yourselves in activities that if uncomfortable you can’t walk away from intact with your relationship between you both.

 

There are plenty of us to offer advice etc on this site, do only what the two of you are comfortable with as yourself, as a couple and your relationship.

 

 

 

Edited March 27 by Billygoat

[couplers 4,717]

20 hours ago, Billygoat said:

Even the best of relationships has a great amount of difficulty “baring their soul” conversation with their SO/lover/best friend/soulmate.

For David and me, it was pretty simple.  He said, didn't ask, "You're still sleeping with Red." I thought this was our breakup.  Then he said, "I want you to know that I'm ok with it."  Not long after, David said we should marry.  We did and Red came along for the ride.

 

Our relationships weren't planned in advance, but worked out.  That's why I believe it's better to go into a relationship as ENM, not trying to pry open a monogamous one.

 

 

Edited March 28 by couplers

[Anon321 524]

On 3/26/2024 at 7:37 PM, ThickHips said:

Thank you for your replies, some really helpful ones and insightful. I guess initially breaching the topic is a challenge for me, we roleplay and fantasise about fucking in front of someone, and even being joined, but when we're not having sex we don't have those discussions, and it becomes a bit of a dichotomy where the division between "sex talk" and "real talk," makes me worry about his reaction/feelings if I say I want him to purely watch: although reading some of the replies about boundaries being pushed etc, very erotic. 

My GF is not too different from you in that she loves the loss of control and having boundaries pushed, and yes, even sometimes "lines" crossed.  It's consensual non-consent, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that if that is what you're into.  If you want to be dominated and taken control of by another man then that is fine and you can express that to your SO.  However, that doesn't mean you should expect him to give up control or be humiliated as part of the process.  It's possible that he might like that but he might not, and trying to surprise him with it would not be a good idea.

 

Is it giving up control and being dominated and humiliated yourself that is a turn on or does your fantasy require your SO to be dominated, controlled, and humiliated?  The former is easier to have a discussion about.  That's not to say he would be open to the latter but it adds another level to the conversation.

Edited March 28 by Anon321

[ThickHips 3]

19 hours ago, Anon321 said:

My GF is not too different from you in that she loves the loss of control and having boundaries pushed, and yes, even sometimes "lines" crossed.  It's consensual non-consent, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that if that is what you're into.  If you want to be dominated and taken control of by another man then that is fine and you can express that to your SO.  However, that doesn't mean you should expect him to give up control or be humiliated as part of the process.  It's possible that he might like that but he might not, and trying to surprise him with it would not be a good idea.

 

Is it giving up control and being dominated and humiliated yourself that is a turn on or does your fantasy require your SO to be dominated, controlled, and humiliated?  The former is easier to have a discussion about.  That's not to say he would be open to the latter but it adds another level to the conversation.

I would say that is is lines being pushed, but not his humiliation, but he is merely an observer or passenger, the lines being crossed, for me, is very much about a different man pushing those boundaries inappropriately, I guess. But, it's not about humiliation for him. 

[couplers 4,717]

On 3/27/2024 at 6:52 AM, lcmim said:

  Only do this if it is something that you actually want not as a means to an end.

Why not?  David let me have my boyfriend for two years before I wanted him to play as well.  I don't care what his initial motivation was, it all unfolded as I wanted. 

[lcmim 1,086]

Setting up something to be manipulative may sometimes work in business.

 The potential for disaster is too high, as well as dishonest.

In this context.

 

From what you have said David was NOT manipulating you. It has always sounded like David is a truly grounded person, for whom this was a genuine and acceptable option, and not someone playing you with the long game.

 

 

I was just warning not to do this unless this was the case for the OP.

 

[Anon321 524]

On 3/29/2024 at 6:46 AM, ThickHips said:

I would say that is is lines being pushed, but not his humiliation, but he is merely an observer or passenger, the lines being crossed, for me, is very much about a different man pushing those boundaries inappropriately, I guess. But, it's not about humiliation for him. 

I understand what you're saying and this type of play brushes up against the consensual non-consent type of play that my GF engages in a lot.  There are different ways to explore it both with and without your boyfriend.  You can share that fantasy with him and see what he thinks.  I understand that you have this fantasy but sometimes it is best to try to build up to it first.  Maybe having an actual threesome would be a more appropriate first move rather than simply having your boyfriend play an observer of you having your boundaries pushed with another man.  I'm not saying he wouldn't be ok with it but I think it's a difficult scenario to pull off for a first time.

[Anon321 524]

On 3/24/2024 at 4:49 PM, Numex said:

My opinion is that more men are into hotwifing where the husband is an equal partner in putting his wife out there, than cuckolding, which implies the element of humiliation. So when you are discussing your fantasy with your boyfriend, propose it as a joint undertaking in selecting the other guy for you to play with, what you do with him at first [maybe just showing/playing with your tits, giving him a blowjob], whether it's a threesome. Make it fun for him, explore along the way, and if all goes right he'll let you move on to alone play without advanced notice to him. For you that would be treating him as a cuckold, while for him you're just hotwifing. Lifestyle is a cooperative adventure.

I agree with all of this.  Our main activity is hotwifing (well I guess hot GFing since we aren't married lol), and I think of it very differently than cuckolding, even though on occasion there can sometimes be elements of it.  I wish there was a hotwifing section on here.

[couplers 4,717]

14 hours ago, Anon321 said:

Our main activity is hotwifing (well I guess hot GFing since we aren't married

You found a good woman and should marry her.  Your wedding night will be hotter than most.

[Anon321 524]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

You found a good woman and should marry her.  Your wedding night will be hotter than most.

I know I know.  Neither of us were really tied to the idea of marriage.  We both agreed that if we decided to have kids then we would definitely get married.

[couplers 4,717]

20 hours ago, Anon321 said:

if we decided to have kids

If you guys are into sex, that's what it's for.  🙂

[Anon321 524]

7 hours ago, couplers said:

If you guys are into sex, that's what it's for.  🙂

It's also for pleasure, fun, exercise, etc. 😀

[couplers 4,717]

17 hours ago, Anon321 said:

It's also for pleasure, fun, exercise, etc. 😀

Being raised Catholic, I just had to repeat my indoctrination.  For us, girls and boys separate of course, Sex Ed was called "Family Health" with eggs, sperm, uteruses, and babies.  Not so much pussies, dicks, pleasure, and orgasms.

[oldswinger64 113]

In a Catholic 8th grade, we saw a film strip (who remembers those?) called "Take the High Road".   All procreation focused.  It told us what everything was and what it did but did not say where anything was.  I spent the next few years looking for things.