Was my advice good?

[Numex 2,409]

A co-worker friend, non-swinger as far as I know, confided in me that he thought that his wife may be having an affair. Small things like leaving a little early and arriving home slightly late, possible text messages, smells, etc. His question was unexpected, so I didn’t have time to think it through at all. At first, I tried to investigate his suspicions of whether she was seeing someone else by asking questions like is she ignoring the kid, ignoring you, does she seem happy, fight with you, how’s your love life, do you do things together??

 

He said that actually, things are great in that regard. So I told him, then what’s the problem. If she is treating you well and especially your child, is not ignoring the home duties and is giving you all the sex you want, then what’s to complain about? Why should it matter if she is having a little fun on the side?

 

He was puzzled with what I said, but had the look of “I never thought of it that way before” on his face. I told him that if things are good between you two, why potentially stir up problems with her. I’ve only met her a couple of times, and she is attractive, seems really pleasant towards him, and he says that she is a hard worker who contributes to the household. I told him that he has a much better wife than most men, so just focus on your relationship, all the positives, and even if she is having an affair, ignore it. Actually, I said when she apologizes for being a little late, tell her "no problem" and give her a kiss, show some affection.

 

I don’t condone cheating and don’t know why my thinking morphed from “is she cheating?” to “are there any negative effects from whatever she is doing?”, but that’s how my thought process ran.

 

Was I wrong to say what I did?
 

Edited March 24 by Numex

[PeterJ 940]

8 minutes ago, Numex said:

A co-worker friend, non-swinger as far as I know, confided in me that he thought that his wife may be having an affair. Small things like leaving a little early and arriving home slightly late, possible text messages, smells, etc. His question was unexpected, so I didn’t have time to think it through at all. At first, I tried to investigate his suspicions of whether she was seeing someone else by asking questions like is she ignoring the kid, ignoring you, does she seem happy, fight with you, how’s your love life, do you do things together??

 

He said that actually, things are great in that regard. So I told him, then what’s the problem. If she is treating you well and especially your child, is not ignoring the home duties and is giving you all the sex you want, then what’s to complain about? Why should it matter if she is having a little fun on the side?

 

He was puzzled with what I said, but had the look of “I never thought of it that way before” on his face. I told him that if things are good between you two, why potentially stir up problems with her. I’ve only met her a couple of times, and she is attractive, seems really pleasant towards him, and he says that she is a hard worker who contributes to the household. I told him that he has a much better wife than most men, so just focus on your relationship, all the positives, and even if she is having an affair, ignore it. Actually, I said when she apologizes for being a little late, tell her "no problem" and give her a kiss, show some affection.

 

I don’t condone cheating and don’t know why my thinking morphed from “is she cheating?” to “are there any negative effects from whatever she is doing?”, but that’s how my thought process ran.

 

Was I wrong to say what I did?
 

Not from my perspective, Numex. He asked for your thoughts on the matter and you shared them candidly and honestly. And I reckon he’s going to ask others their opinions. Some of them may suggest he hire a private detective and have them surveil her. Instead, I hope he takes your advice to heart in proceeding.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Society strongly views cheating as a marriage breaker. If discovered, it's quite often the end of the marriage. Yet, ~50% of marriages in America have one or the other (or both!) partners cheating. No small wonder then that so many marriages end in divorce. So, if cheating is a possibility we get VERY worked up about it, looking for clues in the shadows, piecing together bits of disparate 'evidence', and concluding..."Yep, there's cheating going on, I'm just sure of it!" even though there's no smoking gun, per se.

 

There's an old saying; in any sufficiently large scenario/organization, if you believe there's a conspiracy going on, dig hard enough and you will find evidence of it...even if it never existed. For this guy, there could be pieces of evidence that point to cheating going on, yet nothing actually going on. There's no way to be 100% certain without a smoking gun. The problem is the insecurity and jealousy will feed itself and generate problems alllll on its own even without there being cheating going on. If he confronts his wife without a smoking gun, she will be hurt...most especially if she isn't cheating. If he digs hard looking for evidence, she may start to suspect he suspects her of cheating, and if she isn't it too will cause damage to the relationship. There's no easy way through this, short of hiring ($$$) a very discreet private investigator to do the spying for you.

 

Personally, I would not and could not accept a cheating partner. Trust is very, very important to me not from the stand point of my wife having sex with other men (obviously, since we're on this forum) but for the underpinnings of the relationship. It's a key component. I couldn't be in a marriage that didn't have that. I know from experience; I tried staying in a relationship where I cheated and my then long term girlfriend cheated (both roughly about the same time). We tried for ~2 years to make it work. Ultimately, it didn't...in large part because of the cheating, even though it never happened again. It's not the sex, it's the trust.

 

Not all people are the same. Some people are fine not having trust as a pivotal underpinning of a relationship. If this guy is among those, that not knowing for certain about her cheating might be ideal...if he can let go of society's desperate need to act and act NOW to end the marriage because of infidelity.

 

I'm reminded of someone who posted something here many years ago. He came home to his wife fucking a random guy in their bedroom. When he came in, he could hear them going at it. They had not detected his arrival at home. He had a choice; confront his wife and end things or join them. He chose the latter, and they stayed together. For some people that works. For me, it wouldn't, but for some it does.

 

Thus, Numex, no I don't think your advice was bad advice. It offers another perspective, and one that probably up ended his thought process. For all we know he's now turned on by the thought of his wife cheating

 

[couplers 4,615]

10 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

someone who posted something here many years ago. He came home to his wife fucking a random guy in their bedroom. When he came in, he could hear them going at it. They had not detected his arrival at home. He had a choice; confront his wife and end things or join them. He chose the latter, and they stayed together.

In my recollection of that story, they were already in the lifestyle and it wasn't a random guy.  Still a good point, just not a huge step.

 

10 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

It offers another perspective, and one that probably up ended his thought process. For all we know he's now turned on by the thought of his wife cheating

Yep.

[oldswinger64 111]

I have also found that many times it is the person who suspects the other that is having issues.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

@Numex I tend to feel the same, and have actually given similar (albeit ignored) advice.

 

My thinking tends to be that extramarital affairs are actually an opportunity to make a change to the relationship rather than throw it out entirely. Mind you my thinking is shaped by 25 happy years in an ENM marriage, but I feel like if your wife is having affairs then maybe it's time to think about open marriage or the other ENM options.

 

Granted this thinking horrifies some ppl 😄

[lcmim 1,081]

You handled it well. There are to many unknowns in place to stir the pot.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There are exactly two people who have some chance of knowing what goes on inside a marriage.

 

When one of them confides in someone outside the marriage that they are worried about something inside the marriage, the line from "Cool Hand Luke" comes to mind: "What we have heah is...failure...to communicate!" 

 

We are sometimes asked about "the" basis for a successful marriage by younger colleagues just embarking on a marital journey. There is of course no "the" basis. But we always remark that durable relationships have somehow engineered a safe space where difficult topics can be broached without fear. That doesn't mean without awkwardness, embarrassment, or even real pain for one or both. It does mean that the relationship is safe while the "whatever" is being explored or negotiated or resolved. 

 

In conversations with couples--often LS couples because candor is so foundational to the lifestyle--we often hear that these are 'kitchen table conversations' with some sort of implicit or explicit 'safe zone' that allows an opportunity to reflect and later respond instead of simply reacting. We do not mean that such an arrangement is unique to LS couples, but rather that their success as a couple in the LS is often enabled by such an arrangement. 

 

As hunterdonNJ suggests, what works for one couple works for that couple, and that's all that matters. 

 

As lcmim suggests, too many unknowns to reach conclusions -- especially hearing only one partner's take on a situation. 

 

 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Instead of suggesting he 'confront her' (which almost always ends up being a bad thing), you made him think of things from a different viewpoint. The suggestion about showing her a bit more affection is never a bad thing as well. I'm sure that he found your advise unusual compared to what he expected or has been hearing from others he has asked (and I'm sure he has asked others), the advice you gave will not lead to things taking a bad turn. Any advice that keeps thing from going to a bad place is usually (IOHO) good advice...

[lovefest04 698]

Almost everything that happens TO us is an opportunity for growth.

 

If she is in fact cheating and yet the relationship, in his words, is good, then exploring her need to roam and how he can either better satisfy her or expand their definition of marriage are up for discussion. It is certainly possible that she is ready to hit the road and just hasn't said anything and is now acting out in a way that will potentially blow up the relationship.

 

I know that an expanded definition of marriage isn't for everyone and that's okay.

 

I think as a species we tend to want to collect and control things. We want our homes, cars, wife/husband as possessions. When we learn to focus on living, experiences and sharing, our possessions, the world can look a lot different and be a more connected place. I think that's all good.

 

Focus on life, relationships, love, connection, and giving and our lives can become truly amazing.

[couplers 4,615]

22 hours ago, oldswinger64 said:

I have also found that many times it is the person who suspects the other that is having issues.

Allow me to offer another contrarian opinion: he is hoping, wanting his wife to be playing, somehow knows that you and your wife are in the lifestyle, and wants advice on how to open up the conversation with her. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

5 hours ago, couplers said:

Allow me to offer another contrarian opinion: he is hoping, wanting his wife to be playing, somehow knows that you and your wife are in the lifestyle, and wants advice on how to open up the conversation with her. 

That may or may not be the situation. 

We will reiterate: