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I married my high school sweet heart soon to be 33 years ago. Never bored, in fact, I still lust after her like I did in high school. We started in the lifestyle when we turned 40, we're both 51. The lifestyle only verifies that I married the best women in the world for me.

There have always been plenty of threads started in the forum of the ad site we belong to that invite single males to post (or contact them privately) if interested in being part of a gang bang they are organizing. I don't recall ever seeing donations being requested up front. Maybe this is mentioned through private messaging once a guy shows interest, and I wouldn't find this unreasonable because I think even with private (non gang-bang) parties it wouldn't be out of place, considering the costs involved. But with this invitation you received I see a number of red-flags that would keep me from being interested: a) They have scheduled four gang bangs in less than 48 hours, seems more like a business venture, and I don't like the sound of that. I think two women wanting gang-banged four times in that period sounds suspicious. b) They mention that the $100 donation covers..."and the 50 hours we put into organizing the party." I see no need to mention the time they spend to organize. This line sounds more like a marketing line to convince you to "donate." You didn't mention if you have ever communicated with these people previously, but I got the feeling their e-mail to you was a bulk mail sent to lots of guys. If you are looking for a gang-bang opportunity, here's what I'd suggest would be the safest approach: Become acquainted with the members on the ad sites you belong to and only inquire about parties organized by people who you have already had some communication with. Or reply to ads by people who have established themselves on the site and have a good reputation. They have usually been there long enough to have given members a feel for themselves; this is often seen in forum posts, their attendance at local functions, and the way their profile is written. Find out beforehand what the women look like. If they won't provide clear and complete enough pictures of themselves for you, don't reply. Some people don't mind having pictures available, others keep them very private. Since it is important for you to be physically attracted to the women you're going to have sex with, I think it's a must for you to see pictures early on before considering involvement in a gang-bang party. Whether party hosts request a donation of $20 or $100, I think you should consider more than just the dollar amount of the donation. If you get a sense that a woman may be a "professional" you probably aren't the only guy who may be cautious to approach. The women may not be hookers in the traditional sense, but they still may be "in business." LM

Most swinging couples DO NOT have perfect bodies. I've yet to visit a club or spend an hour looking through ads without seeing that it's pretty evenly split. The important thing is going to be self-esteem. If you go into it with the attitude that no one will like you because you are overweight, that will come through in your attitude whether it's online in your ad or in person at a club and you'll likely end up alone. You obviously (or at least hopefully) find each other attractive so remember that. If you find each other attractive then other people have reason to find you attractive too.

I think the key, Van, is to ask the question of people you probably won't meet again. We've had some times when the question didn't lead to play, but we haven't had any where the folks got angry that we asked. Most, even if they weren't up for it, felt complimented. Like anything else, practice makes perfect. Practice by asking folks (You can start with each other.) "how they feel" about any vanilla subject, health care, opera, country music, rodeo... there's a whole world out there. It really amounts to developing communication skills, which is just as important in swinging as in marriage, in my opinion. Again, never ask a question that can be answered with "yes" or "no." Mr. Alura

Hey. I fully understand your soncerns. One thing you'll find is that there are a whole range of ages, shapes, and sizes in the lifestyle (just go to any lifestyle club for proof). When we got into the lifestyle in January of this year, I was a bit overweight (225 lbs, 38 inch waist...now about 195lbs with a 34 inch waist...the lifestyle gave me extra reasons to work on getting in shape, since I always want to make sure the lady I am playing with is having at least as good a time as my wife, since many of our partners have been younger than us) and my wife (who is 5'1") was close to 250 lbs (that since has come down to about 225). When we got into this, my wife had a lot of concerns "Who would want ME?" Once we started meeting people, we found that we NEVER had problems finding lots of sexy, sexy people to play with. Sexy is all about attitude and how you handle yourself. It does not have a weight, size, or age limit. It's all about little things like confidence, personality, grooming, the ability to engage others, and a good sense of humor. Sometimes, it's just the expression on your face or the way you carry yourself. Using that criteria, I can confidently say that when the wife and I go to our favorite club, we feel like two of the sexiest people in there... and it must show, because we are never wanting for attention. Keep the right attitude, be honest about who you are and what you want out of this, and everything else will take care of itself. Lots of luck and happy hunting!

From my point of view, it's not an ego or performance thing. I'd like to know ahead of time what makes you feel good, so that I can focus in that area. Making you feel good is just as important as the big O. So, no, I don't focus on the O, but overall enjoyment. Mr. D

I've never heard of a larger than average package being a problem. It's usually the other way around. . . .? But I'm still fairly new to this, so what do I know? I have played with a "gifted" guy, and I have to say I was nervous about it at first. BUT what he did with it was waaaaay more impressive. I personally wouldn't be asking potential playmates about size either way. I think I agree with Shelly here that you shouldn't give exact measurements and just say he's well endowed. If it's really gonna' bother the other guy that much, then they're not the right couple for you. You don't need that kind of (potential) drama.

Any chance you have the links to these sites?...........thanks!

It definitely was not what we expected. One the one hand, we were very excited to try it. On the other hand, we were each very afraid of how we might feel and how it might change our relationship. I guess we were predisposed to believe that there would be significant feelings of jealousy and remorse. But, we were sufficiently excited at the prospect of playing that we took the risk. Now, we jumped in with both feet. Our first experience was a full swap experience (other than a friendly skinny dipping exercise one evening with a couple of friends). Afterwards, I think we were both surprised at how much of a non-issue were the feelings of jealousy and remorse. There was a little jealousy. But, if you are both really in to the experience, the pleasure at seeing your partner having fun (however it is delivered) really overcomes any feelings of exclusive ownership (the usually source for jealousy). We have found that we much prefer it when all of the participants in a foursome are actively playing in one group (as opposed to breaking off into two separate twosomes). We have now played both ways. We find that we do not have as good a time and that little feelings of jealousy can arise when the activity is segmented as opposed to all together. So, that is now our strong preference. One side benefit that we did not foresee is how much better we communicate in the aftermath of our adventures. It is very freeing to realize that your relationship does not depend upon sexual exclusivity and that it is OK for you and your partner to have thoughts about others and to actually share those thoughts and those experiences.

Although I am of the mind set that "If you're not happy, get out"...I do understand what you are talking about. Even though we will not knowingly help someone cheat, it is something that Ted and I can turn a blind eye to, even though we really don't agree with it...we "try" not to judge although unsuccessfully at times. We have a vanilla couple we have been friends with for close to 20 years. Having spent a lot of time with them I saw how much he loved his family, he was a good husband and father...what most would consider just a down right good man. About 7 years ago I found out he had been cheating on his wife. It upset me tremendously...here was a man I never would have thought in a million years would have done anything like that. Ted and I talked about it a LOT...I just couldn't understand it. With him and Ted being close, he was privy to a lot of their relationship that I was not (well, until Ted told me). Strangely I came to understand why he had cheated and although I still didn't agree with his reasons, I did understand them. I also realized that he hadn't changed, he had been cheating on her a number of years during our friendship. What had changed was my perception of him. What I had to realize was that I was looking at him the same way someone would look at Ted and I if they found out we were swingers...we would not have changed...just their perception of us would have. Teresa

hi Say, If my partner or me said "I am bored with our sex life" and didn't bring it to the table a positive solution, such as how can We together make OUR sex life Fun again, I think it would be the end of our relationship (plus how could you not know if someone like your partner was bored? it would reveal itself somehow) Ya both gotta keep it stimulating & fun eh? We have a fantastic sex life together cause we make it that way for each other and we are always expressing & finding new ways so the level is "WOW, that was 'hot sex"... & "WOW-we have the Best, that was mind blowing!" "We sure are Lucky!" I would have to have sex like that with my partner or we wouldn't be partners. We would be platonic friends. We have been there for one another throught the thick & the thin 4 over 8 yrs and have had sex about 2525 times together. We laughed when we figured out that number (maybe alittle odd to figure that # out, but hey it was fun to do) Each of us having many encounters including group sex etc. with others prior to meeting each other, we swing now for to share a naughty sexy adventure together. If someone was to say that they were bored having sex with their Partner, I would see that as a red flag.....How could you be a happy couple if your bored with each other sexually? I do not understand -if I was no longer excited about having sex with my partner, why I would even want to swing with them, I would feel that we would be trying to replace something 'missing' in Our relationship. It would be more like 'Im bored & I am going to go have sex with someone new, until I get bored with that, and so on. I hope that wasn't too boring to read KinkyKat

Hi Julie. Just as background, there have been very few studies that deal with swingers and swinging. Mainly, discussions are restricted to the media which, as you know, hasn't always been kind to the topic. I was asked recently to be on the Dr. Phil Show as a "swinger expert" and to convince swinger couples to appear. I absolutely refused since the impetus of the show would have been to show swingers as deviant individuals. Moreover, I have very little respect for Dr. Phil as a psychologist, I find he's rather a "moralist". However, there was a study done in 2000 which did consider the positive aspects of swinging. Here's the link for those that would like to have a look. http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm My study proposes go explore areas which haven't been researched as of yet. I propose to evaluate the Marital and Sexual (within the marital/relationship context) of swingers. Further. I'm looking at determining the demographics of present-day swingers as well their attitudes towards swinging (and sexual behaviours therein). This is a serious, academic research study. The results will be available to the Swingers Board once the study is completed and ready for publication (and not before for ethical reasons). I intent to continue exploring the swinging lifestyle. I plan further studies to look at specific areas of interest such as singles and swinging, the social aspects of swinging, bisexual versus heterosexual behaviours, fantasies, swinging dynamics within the couple, the rules of swinging for different couples,etc. I encourage anyone that may have questions to get in contact with me. I'll be glad to answer your queries and provide information. Cheers! DrZiggy

Yep. If you value your relationship, that is. Also, and I mean this in a friendly way, go back and read what you wrote. I understand the quid-pro-quo you're looking for, but your analogy is superficial. The two situations are not really alike and carry with them whole different sets of risks and rewards. You can't let yourself become bitter. Not everyone swings. Is it really more important than her?

I have the same thing with my wife and the info i got here was really good, so good that i no longer ask her if she´s interested in another man, we go and do what we feel happy with and even up to date she hasn't bonked another man and she says she is happy that way so i have to accept that and yet we still have lots of fun with other couples. You may find you will have to accept that just does not want to, i have, although i still live in hope... whatever you do don´t bug her about it or she will get fed up and you may end up not swinging at all then all hope is lost and as the others have said she really needs to do this because she wants to and not because you want too, she may well end up blaming you if she has a bad time and if she isn't ready then she most likely will have a bad time.. Steve

I can tell you what you DON'T do...that is you don't go ahead with this until you've talked about your fears and concerns with him and he assures you that it is for fun ONLY and that your relationship will not suffer. As for him doing something to/with her that he has not done to you, this may happen and then it behooves you to ask for it and see if it is something that you'd like too. What if he likes her pussy better than yours - believe me we guys like all pussies equally. Just different that's all. As far as flirting is concerned, that is bound to happen with people that are intimate with each other. Join in with the flirting so that she and he know you're always part of their playing. Lastly, if she seems to wants more and more of him, you just tell them both that it ain't gonna happen. The bottom line and thread to all my advice is TALK, TALK, TALK. And don't hold anything you feel back from either of them. Enjoy your fun and remember that is what it is - fun.

Hi Harold, I'm probably on the same page as your wife, my husband brought up swinging for he most part, we went from the idea of bringing just one women in the picture and me saying no, absultly not,( and then him dropping the subject ) and then like probably a 6 months to a 1 year not talking about it at all, we get on the computer together sometimes and we came across this swingers board, I laughed alot and it seemed like just joking around and then when I started reading some of the thread, it became something that we talked about and made are sex like much better, and then it was talking like we could really do this, if he with another women and i'm with another man in the same room its all mutual, he has also said that he would like to see with MFM, so we have had alot of fantasy about it and alof of fun talks and better sex lives, he doesn't push and he knows i'm nervous about actually swinging lives, we have talked to a few people on the SLS site and we havn't actually made any meeting yet, sence he doesn't push I know that when we get to that moment I will be nervous but I see it being fun in the end and its like everybody else talk alot about and don't push, joke, fantasy and have fun, and if she wants to do it she will. Plus be ok with it if she doesn't, I know if this stays a fantasy my husband will be ok with it, and if it becomes something we decide we want to follow threw with, that will be good too, and if we only do it once he will be ok with that. So just be patience and reading the thread to together will be good as well.

I think we need to remember the thread topic here. prior to the flame wars, the question was "is there a place for a BBW in swinging". There sure is someone for everyone in life. It's gets rather personal when insults are made to the uninterested side. That's what hurts. Chicup - You can't offer the idea of getting into shape to anyone in this day and age of "no personal responsibility". Its never ones fault for anything anymore. 2invt - You mention that you don't care either way if your up or down 5lbs, that's great for you. But I know many, many folks who have lost 10lbs and gained ten fold the confidence, and that confidence was the fuel to help them lose more weight. What ever works for you though, just don't insult me if I'm looking for something else. Shelly - Not all barbies are held captive by guys or treated poorly. My wife is also very fit, model fitness wear and competes in figure comps. She is a very strong person, who has accomplished more than many and has a very successful career. You can only be controlled if you let it. Your comments generalized fit women and insult them.