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:rolleyes:He certainly deserves credit(points) for being honest. I believe what he might be saying here, Are their genuine couples that he had known previously, that he is making contact with? Or is it just the general replies from someone he finds interesting that he seems to be (hooked on)? Yes, it does happen. A few single males we know personally that were (into) the lifestyle broke things off with us, because they found the girl of their dreams,possibly true Love.We said our good buys and asked only 2 things. 1.Never introduce us without being honest about who we are. 2. Never expect us to hide anything as friends, from your possible new relationship if we should ever meet. Honestly, from them being in the lifestyle, we feel that the authentic pro relationship/marriage that they understand, caused them to leave the lifestyle. We saw them disappear from the websites. Occasionally we see one log on again but its rarely. We can understand that, it would be hard not to. Then by all means have this discussion at the table with him. IT is fun,if handled with an understanding and good communication. I can only think of one thing, Fear. Fear of losing someone that is as special as you are. I cant say how things ended for him before. But I'm thinking usually the female half of the couple gets more attention in the relationship. Is she still in the lifestyle, with a circle of friends from their relationship? Welcome to the swingers board Yip, We are all willing to help with any questions we could relate to from experience.

Vol, Thanks for the response.. my thoughts about a gf for my hubby are sort of strange because he doesn't have one. At the moment doesn't even have the prospect for one because he's fairly introverted.. so I guess it's theoretical at this point. And you're absolutely right. But I think that it's the what if's are always worse than the what actually is. I think if it came around we communicate to the point that I'd be able to handle it.. it's just the "ahh!!" what if... he desires her more blah blah.. does that make sense? This thing is so hard sometimes heh. But if we all get on the same page I think it will be totally worth it... Thanks again ~Blade~

I think your confusion is understandable and your concerns valid. I have not been in your situation and can not tell you what to do but I will try and share some of my thoughts on your questions and then add some other thoughts on the topic that you may or may not have considered. #1. Yes, there are a lot of people that dip their toes into the lifestyle and then get out. There are a lot of people that were on sites and going to parties as singles and then met a "vanilla" (ie nonswinger) and left the lifestyle for good, so yes it does happen a lot. There are even people that do it seriously for years and then get out and there are A LOT of people that go in spurts as time and interest allows over a period of years. #2. That really depends on each person and the nature of their relationship and what they want out of the relationship. Personally I don't see this as a "once you get a taste of it you will always have a taste for it" type of thing. We had a completely monogamous and faithfull marriage for 10 years before we got into the lifestyle and I see no reason we couldn't go back to that. Think of it this way a lot of people are promiscuous before marriage but are monogamous after marriage. That being said there are also a lot of people out there that are not capable of monogamy and will always be either out looking for some extra tail or will drop their pants whenever given an opportunity. If someone is a cheater they are a cheater whether they call themselves a swinger or not. But please keep in mind cheating and swinging are two different worlds although swingers can be cheaters and cheaters can cloak themselves as swingers. In the end we always make a conscious choice of who we have sex with and what we do with our genitals. Any line about addictions is a bunch of crap. #3. That's an interesting question and I was not expecting that and maybe niether was he. He may just be assuming that you are a normal traditional woman and that you would be offended by the idea of swinging. He may have been initially sincere in getting off of the swinger sites and sincere in the idea of having a traditional relationship with you and just didn't think you would go for it. Now for my concerns that you have not addressed yet. First off this story contains lies and deceptions and coming up with stories with cover his tracks. IMHO anyone who tells a tale of getting on a swinging site because it is "addictive" is full of crap. It's fun and exciting yes but any tales of "addiction" is just trying to pull one over on you. Trying to score a piece off of a swinger site while supposedly in a traditional relationship is bad behaviour and not an addiction. He was not coming clean with you, he was giving you a song and dance and since he already has a history of codependance he was using addiction as an excuse figuring you would be sympathetic to that and buy off on it without too much fuss. Now when he said he was not fullfilled as a single guy in the lifestyle he was probably telling the truth. Single guys in the lifestyle have a very hard time actually scoring but from the sounds of it that didn't stop him from continuing to try. Also Since it is so hard for a single guy to hook up on a swinger site he may have been telling you the truth that he hasn't screwed anyone from there, but if the "intent" was there does it really matter that he hasn't been successfull? Let me put it this way, if I try to cheat on my wife and I go to a singles bar and hit on every woman I see and they all reject me and I don't hook up, does that mean that I am any less of an adulterer? Or am I just an adulterer that nobody wants? Now I will say this, but read this carefully, he may have had some friends on the site that he wanted to keep in touch with and it is a lot of fun to flirt and dirty talk and participate in other forums like this and he may have been wanting to keep in touch with friends. HOWEVER, (this is the part you need to read carefully) he should have just came out and said that when you had your first discussions about him being on swinger sites and he should have just been upfront and open about it. Don't make some grand gesture of taking yourself off of a site to impress your new girlfriend and then sneak back on when she has forgotten about it. I think you have reason to be upset and I think you have reason for concern. Obviously I don't think being on swinger sites is a bad thing and it is a lifetyle choice that works for my wife and I but I do believe lies and deceptions and false cover stories are always a bad thing and always a cause for concern. There are red flags here and I think you need to have your eyes open wide and see what is really taking place and not just take his or anyone elses word for it.

What's normal? Your relationship(s) is different than mine or anyone elses. You have to do what works for you. Yes, I've heard of people in poly relationships that do not live together. To be frank, in my experience, I've heard of more who don't than do. It is our goal eventually. Right now we live two hours apart. Regarding the jealousy, that's something I faced with this and it came as a complete shock to me. I've never really been a jealous person. Not regarding swinging or not the whole 26 years we've been together except when Gator feel in love with his girlfriend. It just totally rocked my little world. However, I love Gator so much I can't begin to describe it. I wanted, even then, for him to have all he could in life. So, we set out on a journey along a road we came to very unexpectedly. This meant I had to get a handle on that jealousy. Because poly just fell into our laps, we've made mistakes...hard ones by all four of us but Gator and I had to deal with ours first. I so wish I had known a poly relationship was what we were heading toward...I'd have done research much sooner and may have avoided some of my mistakes. Gator and I handle things differently. He just mainly tries to work it out in his head. I research everything. And reading other people's stories have really helped. My biggest advice to you, other than the obvious one to communicate, is take it slow. Don't either of you push the other into accepting something they are not ready for. It is difficult to take steps back (we know from personal experience). Just as in swinging, go at the pace of the slowest one (and it won't always be the same person). Getting there slow and steady with a foundation is better than jumping into the deep end. One more thing, I understood you to say that part of the jealousy will be because his girlfriend will be closer to him than your boyfriend and, therefore, it follows he'll get to see her more. Try to imagine the reverse situation and see how you feel with that. We don't choose who we love. It was your luck to find someone further than you'd like from you. Ask yourself should your choice limit him in his choice. At first you might want to sit and talk with him about the frequency he sees her. Ask him to make it less frequent until you get used to it. But, you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone little by little if this is going to work. When you do that, he'll be able to see her more frequently and you'll be fine with it. Poly relationships are not easy...they can be hard. But we are finding the good aspects of it making the difficulty worth the effort. Vol

Vol thanks for the update to your situation and reviving this thread... This is my first time really posting about this so bear with me My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have been best friends for the last 11 years. We dated for about a year and 1/2 in high school as well.. he is my first love and the only person I really allowed myself to love because even when we weren't "together" I felt it would have been betraying my feelings for him to love another in the same way... we've always had great open communication and respect for each other and so about a year ago he mentioned to me the idea of getting into poly type relationships. Neither of us had done anything like it before... Well about 6 months ago after talking and figuring things out I started dating my boyfriend. He lives out near Chicago and we live in Connecticut as of now, and we spent a wonderful weekend together in October, but finances being what they are haven't been able to get together in person again since.. however we talk online or on the phone pretty much every day.. My husband also has an opportunity if he wishes to establish a relationship of his own, however I must admit that I get jealous to think of him having another woman especially if she is close seeing as my boyfriend is so far away... part of that stems from the fact that I have a high libido and he's happy with once a week.. and that sort of makes me feel that if he found another woman then I'd get it even less...if that makes sense. We are hoping within the next year at most to be moving to FL permanently and with that my boyfriend also moving down to the area that we'll be going. I don't ever see him living with us and our 3 kids.. I just don't see that being really feasible. And I honestly think at that point if my hubby were to find a gf that I wouldn't have an issue with it.. See we had a bit different ideas I think when we were talking about this. When he said poly and I started researching it I wound up equating it with how you love your kids if you have more than 1 (we have 3) I love all my children equally but not the "same" because they're different individuals. They each have their own personalities and quirks and it's not possible to love them the "same"... just as I love my husband and my boyfriend on 2 different spectrum's. My boyfriend is the second man I've ever really loved because hubby said that it was "okay" to do and therefore I didn't feel like I was betraying him by delving into it.. Hubby thought of it more like really good friends with benefits.. and maybe a bit of feelings but not full on love.. He's had a bit of jealousy if he sees me say "I love you" or am talking to my boyfriend a lot.. and when I see that I take 5 and find out what's going on and do my best to reassure him and resolve any situation.. Okay so a couple questions from you guys.. #1 Is it normal to not plan to ever live together with the other S/O's? Does that work as well or what have you than living together? #2 I know there's a lot of stuff in the post, do you guys have any suggestions or advice on how to handle the jealousy or just advice in general.. things to look out for or what not. I found a lot of info on poly online, but my husband doesn't really want to read anything on it.. let's rephrase.. he doesn't really read this board or anything related to all this.. he knows I do and if something comes across as pertinent I pass it along, but he'd rather just live life and go as we go.. I tend to take the advice to heart and implement it as necessary so he doesn't really have to lol he just generally follows my lead.. Sorry so long,and seemingly scattered.. there's a lot I want to say and ask but can't quite gather my thoughts at the moment for all of it. If it doesn't belong here in this thread feel free to move it to it's own or whatever ~Blade~

For someone who claims to not care, you certainly have expressed a long of anger in this thread. We think most of our colleagues in this forum would agree that you are solely responsible for sending this thread into that direction. The source of any statement in this forum shouldn't matter. If you feel that a rationale is flawed, simply so say and state why. Even if you feel that a statement is inflammatory, a calm, well-reasoned response is much more effective than a personal attack. You are drawing conclusions about Greg without knowing anything about his history. Greg's swinging experience dates back to college when he and a girlfriend dabbled in the lifestyle. He also delved into swinging with another girlfriend who was responsible for his move from Austin to Denver, and with his first wife to whom he was married from 1991-1998. Each of these women were black. Sheryl was the first white woman to ever serve as Greg's swing partner, and the two of us played freely with couples of all colors for the first four years we were together, so the desire for interracial sex is not a motive for his participation in the lifestyle. You're the only person in this thread who was incited, so if our intent is to incite people, we aren't doing a very good job. Besides, we didn't earn a positive post rating over the course of six years and 500+ posts by inciting people. Anyone who wants to research our points of view can look up our posting history, so quoting us out of context here doesn't accomplish much. To clarify, quotes 1 and 4 speak specifically to Sheryl's experiences with white men and should not be taken as a general statements for all white men. Quotes 2 and 3 are factual statements of what we have experienced and seen in the lifestyle, so they aren't even subjective! We still maintain we did not take any swipes at white guys, and the fact that no other white men in this forum has reacted in your manner proves that to our satisfaction. For reasons we do not understand, you alone choose to take offense and tried to attack our character. We have tried our best to clarify our statements to you, but we don't think you've taken much time to digest our responses. Once you made up your mind that we were bad people, that was all you needed to go on. It's regretful you didn't extend the same courtesy to us.

Yep. La-La land. Now that we know that you're "part of that race", which, according to Sheryl, "has consistently underperformed in bed" I'm curious as to which you are - one of the ones who "cums after only 4 or 5 strokes", or one who "can't have an erection at all?" Just asking, that's all

Dude, it was offensive. If he came into our establishment and started spewing that racist shit, I would personally see him to the door mainly for his own protection. If "she" doesn't want to be with white men, fine, I could give a phlying phuck but WHY go into all her reasons for not doing it except to give him an excuse to spew his racist bullshit? That's what starts fights. (and keeps food on my table, thank you). We all have our preferences. If you don't want to be with somebody, just say "no thanks" and leave it be. Don't say "no thanks, because your wife is old, fat, and ugly and mine is young and pretty" or "no thanks, because we're trying to avoid STD's therefor we don't f*** n*****s or people who f**k* n*****s" Saying that somebody else said it then repeating it here doesn't make it right, either, otherwise skinheads could start repeating a bunch of stuff Hitler said about negros (none of which I believe, of course) and you couldn't call them racists because they were just repeating what Hitler said, not what they believe. (Yea, right ) Maybe that crap plays in your club vegaslee, but I can tell you it absolutly, positivley doesn't play in ours. If it did, we'd find another club. So do I, and I just did.