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I think this is it in a nutshell. You're both going to have to be brutally honest with each other and yourselves. You know your girlfriend more than anyone on this board. Do you believe this circumstance a fluke/aberration, or indicative of future behavior? You said you've felt or voiced negative feelings about other friends of hers as well. Does she have any friends that you like? She should have come to you first with any frustration she might be feeling regarding not being able to have a MFM. I think you have a legitimate beef (going on your side of the story alone) that your trust has been severely diminished by the breaking of the rules to which you two agreed. Even though the friend was an enabler, I think your major issue is with your girlfriend, and hers with you. Does she agree to abide faithfully by the rules you two make now? Do you believe her? If she has, it seems to me that your saying you would believe her more if she dumped this friend to prove it to you. I'm not sure that's fair to your girlfriend.

Two thoughts: 1. I don't think it is surprising that you are having this trouble. Even though you two are each in the lifestyle, it sounds as though you are not in it together. You are not functioning as a couple, you are functioning as two singles who are both in the lifestyle. Until you learn to think and act as a couple, you're gonna have these kinds of problems. 2. Her friend who helped your gf cheat is your problem, not hers. You have to make the decision about it rather than pushing the decision off on your gf. She may choose to give up this friend or she may not, but that is not your choice, it is hers. You have to make the decision about what you will tolerate in your relationship and what you will not. If you will not tolerate the "friend" being in your gf's life, than perhaps this is not really the relationship you think it is.