Leaderboard

Susan here-- I typically find that these people create a self imposed barrier to Play. The term 'bed hopper's or 'bed notcher's means they will not 'meet and mate' with people. I would guess that these people have never had a 'one night stand' and have only had sex within the context of an emotional bond. Therefore, for Swinging, they want to emulate the only sex play that they know, one that has some form of an emotional bond first. Sometimes that barrier will come down, other times it will just create drama. When I had only monogamous relationships, I was pleased to find that after having casual sex with a friend that nothing bad happened. I kept having sex and nothing bad has ever happened be it 'meet and mate' or 'friends with benefits'. I tend to have really good radar, prequalify people with grownup questions and an smart about my sexual bahavior. The toughest thing for some people, often women, is to say is that they just had great sex with someone they barely knew. I know the first time I let that happen for me it was a wonderful experience.

Just curious about something. There have been several posts recently about things that come up during sex that were never discussed before sexual contact: kissing, bisexuality, anal, etc. I wondered how many times most people meet before having sex and how much time is spent previous to that in discussing sexual fantasies, likes/dislikes and the rules of the first sexual encounter. The poll is only the first part of this question. I'd just like to know how many couples and singles engage in some sort of sexual activity on the first meeting. In the thread, I'd appreciate any comments regarding pre-swing preparation with regards to communication between all parties involved. So what is it? Do you get right down to business and hope everything works out or is there a rigorous screening/boundary-setting process. My inquiring mind wants to know. T.H.

In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex. Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate. For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really. So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.

In the club I usually frequent the less "perfect" single girls seem to have a lot more fun then the "perfect" ones, mostly because the "perfect" ones often seem to search equally "perfect" couples or males, while the less perfect ones have no problems to deal with couples or guys that are also not "perfect"

I agree completely. A picture and a profile tells me nothing really, other than if there's an attraction on a physical level. For some of us, we need a bit more than just the physical reaction. I do feel for JofRIT being at their home. We've never had a first meeting at our home. It's always at public venue. If it's a good meeting, then we've just moved along to the second meeting for the fun at our home. Perhaps in the future you can insist on this - it might actually make couples more comfortable that you are providing an out for them should there be that missing component. Then again, maybe it's rare that couples have that first meeting at their home. It's rare for us... we never hold a first meeting with anyone, couple/single, in our home. Hell, I'm married and sometimes can't get laid on a Saturday night (I REALLY hate midterm season being married to a university instructor), so I'd have to agree that vanilla or not, it's just hit or miss. No guarantees at all in any given domain. I hate global generalizations against ANY group (thus, I usually say something when the whole "single men suck" theme pops up monthly). But I really dislike the superiority exhibited at times by some couples as it relates to single men. This whole concept of "doing him a favor" is just B.S. IMO. I don't want a single or married guy doing me a "favor" when it comes to sex, and I respect other humans enough to not insult them by doing them a "favor". IMO, it's almost demeaning to me to be putting out as a favor instead as a mutually enjoyable experience. The "favor" mentality is just arrogant, IMO, as if I/we are somehow better and we are just generously donating our time and sexuality to help 'em out? I don't think so. Again, my opinion. Frankly, Thrax, I'd like to think that the majority that are actually part of the lifestyle don't view the sexual give and take found in this environment as a "favor". And I'd hope to be able to weed out those who do view it as granting a "favor" in either direction.

When we first started swinging we would read ads that said "friends first" and we would say to each other "friends first?, hell no, we just want to have sex with them!" But the further we have gotten into this we have found that, for us, there has to be some level of "friendship" (as shallow as it may be) for the bedroom time to be really exciting. We have done it both ways: met someone at the club and a little bit later went upstairs and played, were disappointed that the time was not great. As a matter of fact it sucked compared to the times when we have spent a little time getting to know each other. I don't mean we talk about work, kids, family and what kind of cars we drive. We might talk about those things, but we don't have too. Mostly we talk about how we got involved with the lifestyle, what kind of things we are into, what makes us especially turned on, experiences we've had, etc. There is definitely a difference between vanilla friends that are part of your everyday life and swinger friends that know about the part of your life that none of your vanilla friends know about. Even though swinger friends rarely know more about me than the swinging stuff I feel like they know me better because they know my secret! Does that make sense? We are starting to think we would like to find a few couples that we could be both kinds of friends with. I think if you find couples that are mature and happy in their marriage you wouldn't have the "drama" that I hear some of you talk about. -M

Having done a bit of pondering myself on the subject of friends first, I have to wonder about semantics. Just as there are many different types of love and hate, there are many types of friends. In mine and Bear's case, we have to enjoy their company, at least long enough to get to the naked part. It helps if there is some wit and intelligence. It's also great to have stuff to talk about in between the naked part. Plus, we liked them to be people we want to spend time with again. For me, it is about on par with people who I go to lunch with at work. Have switch jobs twice in the last year, I can tell you just how fleeting those friendships tend to be. While we do have friendships now from swinging, where we have gone on weekend outings, that has never really been the goal. So, when the term "friends first is used" what sort of friends are we talking about? The kind to split a pizza with, or the kind to name god parents to kids? -- Bunny

We've engaged in encounters on the first meeting. Within minutes of meeting each other. Some we never got their names. And some just bite you.