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I think you have every reason feel hurt. Swinging is a big trust issue between two committed adults and when one breaks a rule, that trust has been violated. Even though your husband was in the heat of the moment, it was still something he shouldn't have done. When Dave and I started out, we also had this rule. Oh hell, we had a lot of rules. I chose the rules and Dave said, "OK". He was totally willing to go along with whatever I said. If I'd said, no rules for anything, I would have gotten the same reply. I had all these rules, like no kissing (yes, I really did) and no anal and condoms always -- blah, blah, blah... I wanted these "intimate" things kept just for us! Well, after talking to him, and after we'd played with a couple, all those rules went out the window (except the condom rule -- They will always be required!) We have our marriage that is intimate just between us. Our lovemaking is intimate just between us. We have SO many things that are intimate just between us that it almost seemed silly to put these restrictions on him. It was me that was having the problem with it, not him. Well, long story short -- I don't do anal with anyone except him for my own reasons. He can do anal with whomever consents to let him do anal. He's a great kisser. Other women should know how lucky they are to get to kiss him! Plus, it gives him pleasure and that's what it's all about for me. I love seeing him happy and to us -- really, it's just sex. I'm not saying this is what you should do by any means. I just wanted to make sure you knew that there are many things between a couple that they do intimately with love that you may do with a partner that isn't love. Does that make sense? There are so many things we share, like feelings and emotions, that I don't share with anyone else but him and vice-versa. Other women and I may share his body and his talents, but only I have his soul.

Is there a difference between sex and swinging? If a single woman and a single man are in a non-exclusive sexual relationship, are they swinging? Two women? Two men? If so, everyone on Earth who has ever had sex is a swinger... What makes it swinging? Seems like the key element is being in a committed relationship and giving one another permission to have sex with others. If you don't need permission, it's not swinging. By this way of thinking, two singles having sex is not swinging. This is not semantics. A single can have sex with whomever they wish. A person in a committed relationship needs permission - without permission they are cheaters. Granting permission is what makes it swinging. A single who plays with a committed couple (or half of the couple) could be called a swinger, because s/he needs permission from both halves of the couple. By the same logic, a single who has sex with a cheater is themself a cheater. If we are to say s/he isn't the cheater, but only helping the cheater cheat, then a single isn't a swinger, but is only helping the swingers swing. (lol!)

You feel bad because one of your un-disclosed "rules" was "broken" by your husband. I have to agree with GoodTimes above and others as well. I think in the beginning we "Over Rule" ourselves and that kind of obligation is disasterous if left unattended and in the heat of sex and passion it can be a challenge to manipulate. Besides, most of the beginners swinging "rules" are based on protecting the fear of jealousy between partners. For instance, not allowing or wanting your hubby to have anal intercourse with another female. What kind of a rule is that? Especially when it's based on a "catch all rule". You should allow him to proceed unabated, and you yourself should also. You'll find out that you'll both appreciate and respect each other more in the long run by maintaining a "less rules more fun" policy.

Don't forget all the "swingers" whose primary activity is girl-on-girl with no real swapping. (This is not us: we are definitely full swap.) As far as whether singles are swingers or other such questions, I have my own internal, somewhat squishy definitions for them. But honestly, I am too tired to split semantic hairs with others. Live and let live. Just tell me what you do, and don't do, and we'll go from there. As far as why the people who go to watch or be seen aren't posting here, I think it's because they don't want to be smacked down... they know they will be accused of not being "real" swingers, but they like to think of themselves that way. If there is one thing people are touchy about, it's their self-identification.

Rules based on personal preference are natural (i.e. no ass to mouth) but rules designed to control your significant other are something different. (i.e. you can put your tongue in her left ear, but not her right ear.) Seems the more rules a couple has about what each other is not allowed to do, the less fun it is to play with them, and the more likely drama could rear it's ugly head. It's not fun to see a couple angry or hurt with each other in the middle of a play party. Consider your motives when making rules, and consider the impact on your spouse. What are you trying to achieve as a couple by swinging? Do your rules actually help you get there? The "we said that we wouldn't try anything that wasn't discussed before" rule seems controlling, meant to address underlying jealousy and fear, and a set-up for hurt feelings. When we started out in the lifestyle we decided to give each other permission to do anything that turns you on, and nothing that doesn't. Seeing each other turned on is what it's all about for us. Only you two can say what is right for your relationship, but I hope this helps you think it through.

I don't think what you are feeling is silly, in fact, based on our experience, it is pretty normal for new people. That being said, I have to say that what we found was, first of all, it is almost impossible to discuss every eventuality that might happen when playing with someone before hand. So, what we did, was realized that having a rule that required us to discuss anything we might do ahead of time was unworkable, and we got rid of that rule. One of the things we figured out right away is that we had several rules that, on reflection, served no useful purpose, but got in the way of the fun. The interesting thing is, when we got rid of these types of rules, the problems and bad feelings that came from breaking them earlier went away. It seems that getting rid of those rules liberated us to better implement what is now our number one rule, which is to have fun. I don't know, and can't say whether this would work for you, but it worked very well for us.

Obviously, you're not hearing from all the guys whose cocks he has sucked that liked it. You probably won't hear from them either, once the word gets out that you have a "phobia" about bi-males. I'm not bi-, but I don't feel my masculinity would be threatened by another male touching me or asking if I was interested in going further. I'm a big boy, I know how to say "no" to things that don't interest me. Another guy touching my dick or even putting it in his mouth won't turn me queer (yes, it's happened. I just thanked him and pushed his head away) Amazingly, I'm still straight! No after-effects of "bi-male approach" whatsoever! If this "bi-male" thing is really that big of a deal to you, go ahead and uninvite them. They probably have better things to do anyway, like hang out with secure adults who don't go into a a shit-fit any time somebody politely "asks" if they want to do something they're not interested in. I'm curious.......how do you feel about a woman who says she's straight, but in the heat of the moment (or with some particular person) asks if she can touch or lick another woman? Would you ban her as well? The same with the "high-pressure" guy. If a woman or couple doesn't know how to say "no" to people and situations they're not interested in they're going to get chewed-up in this lifestyle anyway. It might as well happen at your party as anywhere else. I wouldn't make any changes to this guest list, but I might be more careful about inviting people in the future. But remember...you might find yourself getting removed from other people's guest lists too. "What goes around, comes around"