Leaderboard

We are in our late 50s and married for many years. Hubby suggested swinging 5 years ago, I said, “OK, let’s give it a try.” It has been a fun, hot, sexy, educational, and life changing experience. We really lived the lifestyle. We did lifestyle activities most weekends for those 5 years. Early this year, our swinging lifestyle came to a crashing halt when I found the painful herpes sores on my labia. Hubby has been great as I knew he would. His words to me were…….That is it. We are done swinging. Don’t worry about it. We will be fine. He made a special point to thank me for giving him the chance to live out his fantasies. Did we do everything we could to avoid an STD? No, we did not. We made choices that gave us what we wanted from swinging. We knew there were risks, but like most people, we hoped the odds would be in our favor. Life goes on. I have had no more outbreaks. Fingers are crossed that my immune system keeps the virus dormant. I must be honest and say that we really miss swinging. We still think like swingers. Swingers do see the world differently, and we still like the view. Now we go out to dinner every Saturday night, because that was our main swinging night. It is much too depressing to stay home on a Saturday night for us. I have been reading this board for all of the 5 years we were swinging but under a different name. I thought I would not want to read here anymore, but I find I can’t stay away. Once a swinger, always a swinger is true. I can’t think any other way even now. I hope all of you successfully avoid STDs in the lifestyle.

This thread makes an excellent point: What IS communication, really--especially when related to swinging? Mr. Sweet and I both hold a Bachelor's in Communication Arts, but I can tell you first hand that doesn't do us a damn bit of good when it comes to our relationship. THAT we've had to learn ourselves, through trial and error. One thing we've learned is that he and I both communicate very differently. I'm VERY candid and will say exactly on my mind at the time. That would seem like a good thing, no? Not so, as I'm not always tactful and my thoughts don't always follow a logical progression (I get sidetracked and go off on tangents). Mr. Sweet on the other hand, plays things close to the vest, and prefers not to say anything until he's given a matter lots of thought and come to a conclusion about how he feels/what he wants to do. But communication goes beyond just knowing HOW your partner prefers to discuss things. It takes a willingness to LISTEN and try to UNDERSTAND how your partner feels (even when you disagree). It means not just hearing the words they say, but hearing the feelings behind it. And I believe it's an ongoing process. Mr. Sweet and I do what we call "temp checks" constantly. It's our way of making sure we're on the same page. We do this before and after dates or parties, or whenever one of us has (or appears to have) an issue with something. But these "temp checks" seem to have spilled over into the rest of our lives, too--which is a wonderful thing. So when I recommend that a new couple "communicate", I mean for them to tell each other what they want/how they feel and LISTEN to what the other says. I'm also wanting them to keep doing this . . . indefinitely, whether they remain in the lifestyle or not. =)

Lets look at a different tact regarding communication development. Regardless whether there is intent to swing or not or whether the "trigger to swing" is pulled or not, the communication needs to develop anyway. Will this help you convince your S.O. to swing... who knows... but hopefully your communication will develop along the way and you have a safe encouraging environment for them to make the decision in. How can the communication develop? It's hard to say exactly HOW to develop it sometimes, but if we give it the right environment, perhaps it can occur. For those with limited communication currently, here's something to help develop it in steps/phases over a period of days/weeks/months or even years. Yes... you can start with the end in mind (Home Plate), but if you miss a plate running around the bases don't expect to score. Depending on where your communication-level is to begin with, you might be able to combine or skip to various steps depending on how they apply to you. This is the basics of what worked for us... your mileage will obviously vary... Watching Soft Erotic porn together and both getting aroused... gently talking about how it makes you feel and easing into it Discuss taking pics of each other in safe/comfortable positions, being sensitive to show each others bodies to advantage. Most people don't like seeing nudes of themselves initially until they are comfortable in their skin. Heck, I don't care to see mine even now, but enjoy seeing my partner(s) in them! Register an adult profile with no pics or limited info... or sans face pics... or only in albums requiring specific permissions. Explore your voyeur or exhibitionist side together. Talk about what you like to see in others or show of yourself. Pic sharing/swapping... more of a evolutionary or continuation of the step from the previous item. Webcamming... has your communication gotten to a point where you talk about letting distant strangers see you or you want to watch others. Meeting like minded adults for dinner, at parties, or clubs... perhaps discussion only. Talk together about how this excited you... what you were thinking. Consider some hot tub time with other naked bodies... its easier not to be embarrassed by your body and grow comfortable in the presence of others when it's submerged! Sex with your partner only.... perhaps dimly lit to remove some inhibitions. Slowly getting into watching and being watched. Talk extensively about how this made you feel... good and bad... where you think it might take you, etc. Soft Swap or maybe a precursor would be touching with your hands on the other couple as they enjoy each other, and vice versa. Could be a couple of different steps here. Again... another opportunity to discuss what has happened, and what you're feeling or want to do. Full Swap. Full discussion on what you felt watching your partner with someone else.... maybe touching... holding hands while they are pleasured... kissing... whispering in your partners ear..... embracing and enjoying the shared experience together. ...and beyond... at this point, I would hope that you have a sense of your boundaries and feelings/desires that can be discussed... communication should be pretty far along at this point. If you've jumped right to this point, either you have really good communication and emotional maturity already, have gotten very lucky and it worked out, or worse, you're a ticking time bomb whose relationship could very well take a turn for the worse. Of course... I'm not suggesting that this is "THE Road Map" to increased communication or even swinging, or that it was even ours intentionally. Looking back, this is just where the pebbles dropped. What I can say is that along the road there were EXTENSIVE amounts of communication about both the positive and the negative.... especially the negative (e.g. jealousy, insecurity, feelings of worth)... if you try to bulldoze past this, it will only fester and dealing with the infection may not be pleasant. For us, we prefer to reconnect fairly soon after each experience.... maybe first by talking... but also by losing ourselves in each other by making love.... this is a shared experience for us... even when there has been "separate" play, we talk about the details... get excited about it... and incorporate it into our shared experience. The only way we can accomplish this is to communicate. In Real Estate, it's location, location, location. In Swinging, it's communication, communication, communication. For us, we would have felt comfortable jumping straight to the last step very early in the process, but I've got to say, the journey has been pretty damned good. Even now... we usually set artificial boundaries with new partners/couples so that we can have full discussions about it along the way. Seems to help avoid bumps in the road too. Has it always worked out for us. No... and usually it's because we broke "mini-milestone" rules we had agreed upon earlier, or misread what the other was trying to convey in the heat of the action... but having good communication in place has "helped recover the ball" after a fumble. Someone mentioned that you can't possibly foresee every potential that could come up. Ya got that right!! But it can help mitigate them, and anticipate "better" what your partner may be thinking 'cause you've been actively communicating with them along the way. While this certainly isn't an explanation on HOW to communicate, hopefully it's a plan on how to set comfortable incremental milestones that enable/"force" communication to occur in bite-sized chunks that are manageable, and hopefully, non-destructive to your relationship. Best of luck... I've got to say... the journey is an incredible one... and the communication IS key for us! ...didn't mean for this response to be so involved.... guess I/we like communicating now...

The problem with communication is that we never really know when we've had "enough". There's no way that a typical long-term vanilla couple can dream up all the discussions they need to prepare themselves for swinging. There are just way too many unknowns. The best they can realistically hope for is to get close - but even that is difficult to determine. The attention to communication skills and general openness is probably best considered as "practice for after the first encounter". The "convincing my spouse" part is a dead end street. We can't convince someone to adopt an adventurous spirit. I believe our best effort is to present swinging as an opportunity our spouse will likely see as an exciting experiment (with plenty of safe escape paths). Swinging was so radically different than anything we'd ever done before that we didn't have a point of reference to base our predictions on. Even though we had talked our asses off, we had no realistic way of determining if we had said everything that needed saying. All that talk made a great foundation for us to communicate our feelings after the first encounter - and I think that contributed significantly to our success.

cqwest~ I think before your wife will make advances towards ejaculating more often, she's going to have to get comfortable with her urine. May sound odd, but I think it is true. If the two of you do any research about urine (through medical online sites) you'll find that it's very clean really. Whatever her discomfort is with the possibly of urinating while being stimulated or having an orgasm, she's going to have to address the urine issue first and get over that barrier. Some thoughts on this subject in general: I ejaculate, and I can control it. Some environments I don't feel ready to "go that far" depending on my playmate, etc. I usually ejaculate most often when masturbating. I believe that the ejaculant is not pee, however, I know I urinate sometimes too, and I'm not bothered by that at all. I always empty my bladder before working my way up to an orgasm. I know that if I have been drinking lots of water all day that my urine (if I find I pee, too) will be virtually odorless and clear. I find that while building up to a climax my PC muscles are always very tight, and when I feel I'm nearing ejaculating all I need to do is relax them and it happens. I can tell when the moment is right and I just let go. It is an exhilarating feeling and a woman can continue to orgasm a long while if she continues to be stimulated at that moment of release. The Hitachi Magic wand is strong enough to vibrate me right down to my g-spot (I never use the insertable attachment). It is the only toy I use. I also love a man's fingers inside me and that is the other method that produces ejaculation for me, fingers right on the g-spot. I couldn't live without a mattress liner that had a waterproof backing (and lots of quilted cush on top) this way I never worry about ruining my mattress. Still, I always have at least one big bath towel underneath me. With anything sexual, it's a matter of first being comfortable with trying it, and then trying it some more until you get the hang of it and it becomes natural for you. I hope you and your wife can explore this some more. Good luck!

I keep face pics in a private gallery, which is opened only if both we agree we wish to open it to the OP. As to the wheelchair pics, I personally think it might be most fair to post a pic, or move your disclosure closer to the top. Perhaps not a popular or PC opinion, but many people have limited time, and they want what they want, shallow or not, and they may want to know these things upfront and they may not read all the profile to see your disclosure. It's no different than people wanting others to post true and accurate pictures of their current body type/shape or to disclose herpes upfront, etc. I've noticed that some people become resentful if they feel their time has been wasted by misrepresentations or omissions of things they consider important. But, like all else on this Board, it's only an opinion. You have to do what's right for you, but somepeople ARE shallow, especially in rec. sex domain. Shallow of others? Perhaps. There are others, however, whom it won't make a difference, and those who appreciate the straight-up honesty as much as your looks, etc.

Frankly, I've wondered the same thing even as I've typed out the word...wondering if sometimes we don't respond in almost a rote fashion. And I've wondered, too, how one would go about swinging the idea of swinging on a spouse. As a single person, with those that I've met, I've asked that question each and every time and without fail, the answer has always been that the idea came to them as part of their sexual fantasy play. To me, communication is as much really listening and hearing as it is speaking the words...a rather textbook type of definition. But it goes beyond that in terms of when the communication takes place...the actual situation, if you will. It entails involving the person you are speaking to in the communication process with a back and forth flow of thoughts and ideas and opinions. It involves body language. None of these things can be discounted. It involves knowing when the time is right to approach and/or offer ideas. It is being able to explain your feelings on the subject (here, speaking of swinging) without excluding or negating your partners feelings. Sometimes, after sharing thoughts, it involves going back to reassess ones own mental journey...where are you, really, in this scheme? What do you really want out of it and are you sharing those honest thoughts with your partner? To effectively communicate, you must at all times be agreeable to allowing your partner to come to where you are...knowing that you didn't just suddenly awaken one morning with the idea of swinging. It was a process. And I guess that is a portion of what communication really is. A process. A series of steps with no defined end points. A willingness to listen, to accept, to evaluate, to share...attempts to understand where the other person is in their thought processes related to the subject. And most importantly, in the end, allowing that other person...the one that has not had the benefit of thinking of this for days/weeks/months/years to come to terms with the idea and to come to where you might be.

In your opinion is there such a thing as a woman acting too slutty in the lifestyle? In my swing circle being called a slut is a good thing, it is use as a term of endearment but being called too slutty is not. BTW- we define a slut as a woman who likes to play and is very open minded. I was at the club one night and a woman told me that I had better be careful, that I was being too slutty just because I was dancing topless. I know, the horror, a woman dancing topless in a swing club! She then went on to tell me that men don’t want to play with a woman if she is too slutty. Now this was from a woman who had 4 guys lined up giving them blowjobs in an open room, putting on a show. Not that I think that was too slutty. I think her thinking is a little skewed. I know a woman that will screw anything with a dick, she doesn’t care who or what it is attached to. I am not sure if that is being too slutty or just not being very careful. So guys, if you think that there is a line where a woman has crossed over from being a slut to being too slutty, what is that line?