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You will get lots of these responses which say either she says yes, or, no way she is going to agree to have sex with another man. We are prisoners of our upbringing that tells us that sexual intercourse has to be between husband and wife only. Women are more susceptible, and, they do take this message to heart and do not want to deviate from it, because they think i.t is either not normal or outright sinful. Men are more open and willing to have sexual relations with another woman without a sense of guilt. Your wife is no exception. There is nothing in this world that is not negotiable. Particularly, all things including sexual life, is fully negotiable between husband and wife that have a loving and trusting relationship. Lifestyle is a journey together within a married couple's life pursuits and that includes having or enjoying sex with other partners. The way we handled it was to talk about the lifestyle and what it offers. We went to swinger or swinger friendly resorts. Wife was horrified and thought that she will be stripped nude and fucked by other men regardless of her wishes. The reality was very different as she soon found out. I asssured her that we would stay together, have sex with each other ,and, watch other couples having sex, swapping mates for sexual play and intercourse. It was like watching a porn movie in real life. This alone helped remove many misconceptiona she had about the lifestyle. We are not hardcore swingers, but do enjoy many aspects of the swinging lifestyle. Just remember lifestyle is an attitude, as someone has said. It is not about just fucking all the time every comer.

I am actually starting to feel a lot better about the whole thing. I do think I was probably not open enough to her needs. I knew what they were when we got married. She told me she wouldnt be with someonewho wasnt in the lifestyle and she needed to still be with people when I deployed. This is my first deployment since we have been married, and we agreed to her being able to be with couples a limited amount of time before she ever told me about the rest of it. So now that she has permission I dont think she will need to go outside of the boundaries. As for what happened before the deployment, well I forgive her. Some weekends when I was home we would not always have sex and according to her we went 6 weeks without it once although I find that difficult to believe and she hasnt always been good with numbers lol. And I accept responsibility for us not always playing when we went out as I would normally being the one that said I was not comfortable. Like I said now that she does have permission I dont think she will seek anything outside the relationship and if she thinks she needs to she says she will discuss it with me. I originally thought 3 times was a good number but I am leaning more towards 5 now since that is roughly how many months I have left here. And although she agreed to 3 also, she will like 5 more I think. I also promised to be more open to the couples we meet instead of nit-picking everything so we will be able to play more once I am home and this should eliminate her need to stray when I am stateside but only home on the weekends again. I want to thank everyone for their comments and different points of view, I really really needed someone to talk this out with before I discussed it all with my wife. We talked and neither one of us got upset so that has to be why I am feeling so good about everything. She assured me that she does love me and knows I love her, and she would never leave me. Now when I get back I look forward to having some real fun and actually enjoying what this lifestyle is really all about. N

To quote one of my favorite lines from George Orwell, "In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." We all know it takes fortitude to be a revolutionary, but maybe a little revolution in our marital relationships is what we need (the operative word there is “little”). Another insightful philosopher once remarked that eventually “all revolutions evaporate leaving nothing but a bureaucracy.” After 23 years of marriage, 4 kids in 3 years, a couple of businesses to manage, elderly parents to care for, college tuitions and that stuff (i.e.,“life”) my marriage had become pretty much of a bureaucracy. It’s not that I didn’t love my spouse as I definitely did and do. It’s just that on a daily basis, after a hard day at the office, kids screaming, etc. we both began giving “short cut” responses and making a bunch of assumptions rather than fully engaging. Over the course of time, we'd both built up some expectations that were not being fulfilled. Without even realizing it, we’d slipped into a pattern of innocent, but “universal deceit” in our married life. I suspect that happens in every long term relationship, but less so where couples share intimately with others that helps maintain awareness (swingers maybe?). In all those years, I’ve never cheated on my wife. AND, I found that with the realization of getting older and having some friends drop dead, I wanted more out of life which I wasn’t getting at home. For a tune-up, we consulted a marriage counselor. After 10 expensive hours, she made some insightful observations as to how we talk at each other, and gave us some good pointers. Perhaps the best one is to leave the judgment out of whatever we have to say. For us, we are going to hear whatever others have to say to us. Whatever judgment we make about what's said, is our personal choice. You say you hold back out of fear of hurting your wife. That’s certainly noble and understandable. Taking care of the other person is part of what love is all about. But at the same time, the communication with your wife is also pregnant with your judgment(s) that has you “withholding”. The unspoken judgment is your assessment about what your wife can take, what she’s willing to take, what will be hurtful to her, etc. I’ll bet your wife is a remarkably strong woman who is tougher than she’s being given credit for, and she can well think for herself. I realized how strong my wife was when it occurred to me that she’s put up with me for all these years. A “tip” from the marriage counselor (for me and my wife, anyway) was to state things in terms of how you feel, not how you think the other person may feel. If you can get your wife to go along and do the same thing, it opens up some wonderful opportunities for good communications. If you can say something to the effect that “I feel . . .” How can she get that upset for you expressing your feelings if you’ve made it known that you love her and the relationship is secure. If you come from a position of revealing your feelings, she’ll probably appreciate the openness. Wouldn’t you appreciate (and respect the vulnerability) if she were that open with you? - - - I’m saying this NOT as a preachy “Dear Abby”, but just something that worked well for me and my wife. – And, I haven’t gotten her to agree to a damn thing yet! - - - But, I’ve also had more fun living my life in accord with a quote form Hellen Keller, as a historical figure I’ve admired. Ms. Keller once observed that “life is either a daring adventure, or nothing”. For me, I consciously choose every day to live that adventure with my wife, as opposed to separating or blindly bumbling along in a bureaucracy. I can not imagine how simple life would be if every day we told the truth, the whole truth (no witholds) and nothing but the truth on every ocasion. Good luck!