Leaderboard

Just like I don't weigh myself, or wear a watch, I don't keep up with the number of partners I've had. I try not to be ruled by numbers. Pepper

On one hand, labels are very useful communication tools. Lawyers and scientist use a very exact language, used car salesmen use a very "relaxed" language - each derrive a benefit from that choice. Normal folks (swingers included) fall somewhere inbetween the extreemes. We need a reasonable precision in our language for efficient communication but we don't want too many terms. Each subculture establishes its own jargon of significant terms and tunes the meaning of those terms to its needs, acting as a collective. Jargon development, is a bottom-up process (get your mind out of the gutter ) New words are invented or definitions adjusted in conversations as the need arrises and get accepted by the group if the change is percieved as positive. Jargon confusion is related to the speed those language adjustments are propogated through the group and become accepted. Documents used by the group (including online forum posts) loose value by the language adjustments unless revised. This forum highlights the state of jargon confusion in the swinger's domain and serves to reduce it. The many threads about what certain terms means to us individually (like this one) propogate the consensus of the group and generally reduce confusion. The fundamental power of the internet is the globalization of our thoughts. I see a trend toward higher precision in "swingerese" and suspect that's also true among other sexual subculture groups. Our activity variations and levels of comfort outnumber the terms in common use. On the other hand, swinging is all about intercourse [is that a cool wordplay or what?]. I think most of us are unlikely to commit to an encounter based on anatomical compatability and a few buzzwords. There's a bit of a hierarchy in the decision process about you and me getting together for some play time. I guess the first hurdle is mutual physical attraction. Rules and boundaries are important to know, but I think the most significant thing is "what are we in the mood for tonight", what are our preferences. As we flirt and communicate, I might suggest an activity that I think sounds like fun or you might suggest something I would be interested in doing with you. We'll describe our preferences as they relate to the activity as we touch and get to know each other better. We both know, either one of us can terminate the encounter with a single word or redirect the activity as we mutually prefer. The exact meaning of a few buzzwords is trivial when we concentrate on each other's smiles....

And maybe you need to be kicked in the head. You don't need to fuck a bunch of strangers. How is that going to help you? Will it make you feel better to "hurt" your wife the way she hurt you? What if she doesn't care? Now who's the one hurting himself? Sorry to be so blunt; I know you're hurting. We have made many startling discoveries since we started swinging, and one of the biggest shockers was that all the fears and hurts and pains we experience are of our own making. I don't know if it's "insecurity" per se. It's more about what you choose to believe. If you interpret your wife screwing the bejesus out of some other guy as a horrible thing, then guess what? It is. You are free to interpret your reality however you want. I don't think I can explain it but it's sort of a matter of taking your head out of the emotion and looking at things objectively. If emotion had nothing to do with it, would it look any different to you? Now that said, I'm not exactly applauding your wife's callousness. Excessive drinking is never a good idea in a situation like that, even when your rules aren't so stringent. Because as EvilMJ said, it's like your Get Out of Jail Free card. I read a post once about a swinger couple who went to a "vanilla" party where the "cups were overflowing", and there was a whole lotta fuckin' goin' on. Oh, but they weren't swingers. No no, they "weren't themselves" that night, and it was the alcohol that made them do such bad, bad things. Let's never speak of it again...until the next party. Bottom line: you had a set of rules, and your wife violated them. Period. Whether she thinks it's a big deal or not is irrelevant! What matters is she HURT you! YOU think it's a big deal, and that should be a good enough reason for her to NOT DO IT! No more swinging for you! (saith the Sex Nazi). If she can't follow rules, she can't be trusted. You can't swing with someone you don't trust. She's got her work cut out for her rebuilding that lost trust. For now, stand your ground and the next time she tells you it wasn't a big deal, you tell her that it IS a big deal to YOU, and she needs to respect that.