Leaderboard

It is very easy for many us to say that we would never find another relationship that would be a threat to the one we share with our spouse. Sometimes that is true, and sometimes when I have heard it said, I think it is just the "right" thing to say. I know you are very concerned about your husband and have no doubt that you are sincere. It is also easy to say that our spouse wouldn't lose any of our love, affection, energy or time if we became involved with another person. However, practicalities are bitches. If you are out with your SO on Saturday night, or shopping with him on Sunday, then your husband is probably seeing less of you or at least seeing less of you without sharing your attention. For you, I think it is important to take a really deep breath and ask yourself very seriously whether there is no possibility that your husband might start to feel like he is getting less of you, or worse, if he might start to wonder whether there is the faintest possibility of you slipping away. I say this as an experienced poly person -- one quad, and one close relationship with a married playmate, in which my husband played with the other wife but was not close with her. I haven't had the situation you're describing, where there is another (sort of) single guy. I am sure that would not work for Mr. Fuse, though it could and does work for others. My thought is that if you can really, really say that your husband has nothing to worry about either in the day-to-day or the long term, then hopefully he will develop that confidence that you want him to have. But if what he sees is his wife getting very excited and falling in love, and doesn't have that absolute confidence, then I would not be surprised if his feelings are iffy at best. Another thing is that when there is a single involved, and one spouse is "left out" for want of a better term, that spouse needs to have a sincere desire to see you reap all the emotional rewards that this other relationship can bring. Some people call that "compersion". If he is just okay with it, then when the stress of normal life intrudes, or if the two of you have a run-of-the-mill fight, he may feel worse at that time about your other relationship. Mr. Fuse and I were involved in a quad, so there was a sort of equity involved in that. Both of us paid a lot of attention to the opposite sex members of the other couple, and the lady and I were in love too. So Mr. Fuse wasn't the only one gaining a close connection; I did too. In your case, unless your husband and the other guy are close and/or bisexual, your husband may not see this situation as a winning one for him. Also, we had no doubts about whether an unattached person would start to want too much. I would love to see your husband post to this board and express his feelings in his own words. You have written about how he feels, which is good, but I am curious to know what he has said.

You won't be putting anyone in the middle of anything they don't want to get in the middle of. We know a lot of couples, and frankly, some of them don't really like each other. That's not our problem. Now, we don't intentionally put them into situations where there might be a catfight or something similar, but we do invite them all to our house for a party. They usually all come. They're civil to each other, they have fun together - they don't play together, but that's their business. Again - you're worrying about others when it isn't warranted. Let them get to be friends with those other people - then when they tell your friends that they're swinging the wrong way, they'll see for themselves. So if you turn up in the same place, let them feel awkward. Don't sweat it. I'm sure you work with people you really don't care for. If you run into one of them at a party, do you leave in disgust? Hide in a closet? Search out the nearest Denny's and have breakfast? I doubt it. This is no different. If you bump into them at a club or party, be civil to them, and then go have a good time. Again - don't sweat it. You can be friendly, just be wary of letting people get too close too fast. I know I come off like a cold hearted bastard when I say we don't associate with our lifestyle friends outside of lifestyle situations, but it's situations like the one you find yourself in now that made us think that way. I got tired of being Father Confessor, and Lin got tired of being thought of as a good lay, but other than that, "Hush girl - grown-ups are talkin'..." Well, bullshit. You two got into the lifestyle for a reason - I'm willing to bet that reason had nothing to do with drama, head games, political bullshit, or worrying about who is going to show up where. Ok, you met a few duds - everyone posting on this board has done it too. It's time to get back on track and remember why you two got into swinging in the first place, and forget about the duds you've met. That's behind you - live and learn, you know? If this latest couple tries to make trouble for you, put it right back on them. Certify the profile of the friends you're worried about them getting too close to. Let them know what this couple tried to do to you - as a fair warning, not spreading drama. Go to parties, go to clubs, and, most of all, have fun. You two don't owe anybody anything, so don't feel like you're obligated to anyone. If you bump into them someplace, big fat hairy deal - let them deal with you, rather than you getting all timid and dealing with them. What I mean is, have a good time - no matter who's there or whether or not they're watching.

We agree it is being overthought - but then again there is no such thing as too much information. While we have never been so drunk that we didn't know what happened - we in our 15 plus years of swinging have had the absolute pleasure of introducing some of our vanilla friends to swinging. Our method is that we are fairly open to close friends - and they know that we swing - but we never ask them first. Usually - they, after a drink or two, will initiate the Q&A session. We always keep it as a Q&A and you might be surprised how many call one night and say that they would like to give it a try. We really push the "establish your own limits" part - and expand those as you grow....

As a bisexual woman, I think I'd be a big, fat, stinkin' hypocrite if I ever gave a boyfriend/male fwb/partner/whatever crap for playing with a guy. But then again, I had an ex who was really into anal play on him and it didn't bother me. The thought that he was (or could be) bi was way more of a turn-on than a turn-off. Unfortunately, he was really uncomfortable talking about it unless we were having/getting ready to have sex.