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That same reality exists even for those of us without children. Just because I'm childfree by choice doesn't mean I can just drop everything and go out, either. The fact is that some of us just like having plans and schedules for whatever reason. I have to have a schedule or plans in place in advance in order to make sure my obligations at work, home, family and friends are met. I'm committed to meeting the expectations and obligations I take on and I can't do that without a good schedule and without proper advance planning. While I could occasionally just do something spur of the moment, it's not in my nature and not my preference. I know there are a lot of others like me, child free or with children.

IMHO, nothing kills a friendship quicker than knowing what they look like when they're fucking. My reasoning for saying this is simple: Most, if not all friendships are based on a certain level of balance. I'm smarter, but he can run the 40 in 4 seconds/she's the better cook, but I'm better at keeping to a budget/He's a math whiz, but I can finish a 1,000 page novel in a day, that sort of thing. And as long as those barriers are maintained, they can usually agree (or agree to disagree) on almost anything. But, to paraphrase a rap lyric from the good old days, shit gets different when there's feelings involved. And sex, apart from the most basic "one night stand with the chick/stud I met at the club" variety, always involves lots of feelings. Sure, you may know that your buddy's big enough to wear a wristwatch without worrying about tan lines, or you may have heard your BFF referred to as "Multi-Orgasmic Mary", but (for the most part) you won't get into too many details about what your friend's bedroom repertoire may entail. Personally speaking, barring my swinger friends (of course), I know almost nothing about my friends' sex lives (except to know when someone's hit a dry spell or vice versa). And there's a reason. Bottom line, sex is one of those things that can become very touchy very quickly. When you've made a lifetime of good memories (fishing trips, college graduation, first workplace promotions, etc.) with a guy, it's disconcerting to discover that your previously balanced relationship tilts in his direction (due to his massive schlong/ability to hold his breath and not get bored or distracted/leet massage technique/etc.) If you don't actually know about his skills, it's easy to build yourself up as a competent, if not supremely talented lover. But, when you're staring at him as he pistons in and out of your girlfriend and her legs wrap themselves around his waist, that's where the self-doubt begins to creep in. Or, vice versa for the perceived "stud", as he learns that his high-school level of fucking only impresses women who are on the marriage prowl and therefore willing to accept a few flaws if the final prize is something to be admired (hopefully with thoughts that they can change that part of the relationship when rings get involved). It's easy to make a marriage-minded woman coo and squeal, especially if she thinks that she's making herself seem more marriage-worthy in the eyes of her lover. But, for a settled woman who's just looking for some sideline thrills, a pedestrian performance will be noted and commented upon. Let's not forget the good old "growers versus showers". You're 5 inches soft, six inches hard. Your buddy's 3 inches soft, 7 inches hard. It's hard to go back to communal showering with that knowledge in your head. (In the interest of disclosure, I'm a grower and the physical verification of one very common stereotype when I'm fully aroused.) And it's more of the same for the ladies. Women have a tendency to be neurotic enough about their bodies. Imagine learning that "Multi-Orgasmic Mary" is for real, and better endowed than you thought, and a squirter! Now, imagine the sight of your husband bringing her to a boil in the time that it takes you to get wet, watching as he presses himself between her breasts with the greatest of ease, then she deep-throats like a porn star. Or, as I've lurked on this site for a long time and have taken note of quite a few "I didn't really enjoy sex until I turned 40/started swinging/learned to make him do it at my pace..." posts, watching as your husband turns a "frigid" woman into his personal wonderland. The ego boost of knowing that your husband is just that damned good can easily turn into uneasiness if she seems to be coming over to the house too often. Same issues, slightly different context. So, my advice? Find a single male swinger (We exist, and we aren't all flakes. And if you seem to be meeting a bunch of "single male" flakes, remember that swinging is a taboo/hot/masturbation-worthy subject. That "nice guy" may be a frustrated married man having sport with "the deviants". After all, if they're willing to break their vows, they shouldn't have a problem with letting him tug a few out over a cyber-connection, amirite!?) Make friends with him, let the wife vet him, then set up a meet at a time when a person without any obvious family entanglements would be available or could make himself available. If he's legitimate and interested, he'll show up at a dive bar in a bad part of town, or a hotdog stand halfway across the city, or even at a porno store at 1AM that's known to be frequented by gay men. (And yes, I've met swingers with those stringent standards. We still chat.) A married male, or a reputation-burdened game player won't take the bait. Someone like me, however, will gladly show up just for the looks of amazement on the faces of other people as he greets a MILFy looking woman with a kiss and a "subtle" butt tap.

We're still quite new and inexperienced at all of this, but this is a subject where we at least have a small amount of input. As far as being hit on by swingers, it's possible that we were at one time or another but previous to our getting involved in the lifestyle ourselves we would've been totally oblivious to it. Mrs. Q has been hit on in bars numerous times over the years by both men and women, but we always just assumed that they were singles looking for a piece of ass which in most cases was probably a safe assumption. Most of the males gave up straight away when she politely pointed out that she was married. A few more persistent ones had to have things explained to them by Mr. Q in a language they could more easily understand. Mrs. Q has only recently admitted to herself and to me that she is somewhat bi-curious, so prior to our involvement in the lifestyle, girls that hit on her were simply met with a "you have GOT to be kidding right?" sort of look. She's a bit friendlier now. When it comes to hitting on vanillas, far be it from us to do such a thing, however we have had a vanilla couple hit on us, does that count as strange and unusual? We had a party at our house awhile back, supposed to be a vanilla party, however let's just say that some things happened at said party that blurred the lines of vanilla. Yeah, it was a pretty good party. Anyway, a couple was there that were long time friends of ours, and probably the most sexually open couple we know outside of the lifestyle. Although we didn't tell them that we were interested in swinging at all, there were some friends of ours there that we'd met through our lifestyle involvement, and there was a little bit of "interrelationship" kissing and petting going on in various different combinations between them and us. Pretty innocent stuff, but our vanilla friends were all too happy to join in when they realized what was going on. It was immediately afterwards that the female half of the vanilla couple began confessing to Mrs. Q that she was EXTREMELY interested in swinging, and not only that, was EXTREMELY interested in both of us. Mrs. Q and the male half of said vanilla couple have been friends for years, and there has always been an innocent attraction there, although neither has ever acted on it. To keep this long story from getting any longer than it already is, let's just say they couldn't wait to invite us over to their house for a little playtime. Being our first actual swinging experience, as well as theirs, we did a lot of things wrong, but basically it was still a good time. Mrs. Q and I however, have had the advantage of being interested in the lifestyle for over a year now, and even though we haven't played with anyone yet we had at least played out numerous scenarios in our heads and know our own and each others' limits. This couple had obviously not thought things through quite so thoroughly, and that made for things getting a little pear shaped at the end. Turns out that the male half was totally OK with the girls playing together, which they did and it was great. He was also totally OK with having all sorts of fun with Mrs. Q, which was also great. However, when he took a break from being all over my wife long enough to catch a glimpse of what his girl and I were doing, the fun ended rather abruptly. To his credit, he didn't make a big scene or anything, he was level headed and mature about it except for not thinking things out ahead of time, he simply stated that he was no longer comfortable, we all sat and talked and giggled about the gravity of what had just happened, and we're all still friends although 3 of us are a bit disappointed that we don't have a regular 4some. We are all in agreement however that his wishes are to be respected, and there have been no issues of jealousy or anyone fooling around behind anyone's back. The point of all of this rambling? Hitting on vanillas is probably not a good idea, even if they appear to be quite lifestyle friendly. These people approached US, and still had issues later. At the very least have a good heart to heart talk with them first to make sure that EVERYONE is on the same page, and assume nothing. It's a stupid newbie mistake that we made, and will not make again, to just assume that everyone is cool with all possible scenarios, especially when talking about a couple that obviously hasn't the open and honest communication between each other that we have.