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I know I often come off as obnoxious and crude in many posts but I do wish to have an open and frank discussion about something I think is a real issue for countless people in the lifestyle and I assure you all that I will be nothing but sensitive, compassionate and approach this with great humility. This past weekend we had an encounter with a very nice couple and for about the umpteenth time in row the other male was unable to perform. My wife and I got to looking back and crunching the numbers and the vast majority of the times we have been with another couple or couples the other male could not perform at all or had great difficulty at one time or another. I won't pretend that this has never been an issue with me either. I have always eventually been able to get into action and get the job done for both parties but there have been times I did not perform to my expectations or to my satisfaction. I do not have ED. In fifteen years of marriage I have not failed once at home with my wife but I have had difficulty a few times in swinging situations. Many of the other men that have failed have also claimed that they have never had any trouble with there own partner at home and I believe them. I have no reason to believe our experiences are unique. I believe that ED within the swinging environment may be epidemic but people don't talk about it much. I'd like to change that and I'd like to talk about it openly and frankly and see if there are some things that can be done to correct it. This is having a serious impact on our enjoyment of the lifestyle. In a couple years of swinging we could probably count on one hand the number of times that someone did NOT have some kind of performance problem. Many of these are healthy and vigorous guys that claim to have never had any problems outside of the lifestyle and I believe most of their sincerity. My wife is getting frustrated to the point that it is having a very detrimental effect on her enjoyment of the lifestyle and she cannot help but taking it personally thinking that she is not attractive or desirable. It has been a real downer on me as well since often times the other couple makes such a big deal over it and blows the mood for everyone. I think there have got to be some common variables that can contribute to this and I also think there has to be some solutions since these are healthy guys with no prior histories of ED. Please share you thoughts and insights and experiences as well as please offer freely any possible solutions, tricks or techniques that can offer some help. If someone has a failure to perform it does not just effect that guy and his partner, It can turn a whole evening into a bust for everyone as some guys just turn into assholes and cause scenes and discomfort for everyone when it happens. Any advice, feedback and solutions will be greatly appreciated. Please offer any observations you have made and offer any tricks or techniques that have worked for you. Thank you.

Now I am surprised. Knowing your distaste for a simple Journal, which may be somewhat incriminating if it fell into the wrong hands, having photos and or video would remove all deniability. If a journal can and "Will" be read or discovered eventually, so will photos. Dont you think?

Okay, it's starting to sound like swinging is a performance event. If that's so, then I don't want it. People are human and not infallable. Everyone has a bad day (or night - whatever the case may be). Mrs. Precocious

There are medications out there for ED. Viagra and Cialis both work for most men. ED itself is not as simple as not getting an erection. There are other things involved. Men expect other men to be able to perform. Women expect men to be able to perform. And a man expects himself to be able to perform. Period. That's not fair. I'm sorry but sometimes I don't get as wet as I should. I don't blame the man. With women it's all what's going on in the mind. I hate condoms, but know they have to be used. Mr.P has started to use them with me on occasion just so I can get comfortable with the feel of them. I think it would be insensitive and rude to ask about ED. Period. With some forms of ED, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The man doesn't know if it will work in a particular situation. They're not robots. These are human beings, and a man who has trouble getting and/or maintaining an erection in a swinging situation has got to feel somewhat less than a man. Why make matters worse? And as I said above with women and things depending upon what's going on in their mind... in the age group we're talking about, for the men there is a lot of mental and psychological things that affect their erections. My self confidence is strong enough to know that it's not me. I don't swing to build my confidence. I know better than to take it personally. I guess I'm a grown-up. I would not take it personally if a man could not get or maintain an erection. I would be sensitive to HIS ego because my God women, saying the wrong thing could make things even worse for the man. There are expectations in society that men are always ready. Well..... ummmm, maybe at 25. The 45 - 55+ age group is not a generation where condom use was prevalent. Condoms were not typically used when that generation was younger and more sexually active. In 20 years, I'd bet going soft when putting on a condom will not really be an issue for the men because they grew up with it more or less being the norm. We may only soft swing, but my introduction to swinging was not soft. It was during a period where Mr.P and I were separated. One man did have issues with his erection when it came time to put on the condom. A little help and a cock ring helped. For us it's not all about the fuck. I do know for some it is. But because for us that's not what it's all about, there is less performance anxiety, less expectations for "perfection". The people we play with are our friends. We have a small circle of people we play with. These people can come have dinner with us in our house and know that if play happens, cool, but if not, we've enjoyed each others company and we'll get together again. If something happens and babysitting did not work out as wanted, hell, bring the kids for supper. We have Nintendo and computer games and high speed internet in an area where being able to get high-speed sometimes isn't possible. We have horses and dogs and cats. Most of the children don't want to go home when its time. Most of them get bummed out when it DOES work out for their parents to come here without them. But again, it's not all about sex. Not for us. It's about people. It's about life and friendship and feeling good about ourselves on ALL levels, not just a sexual level. Mr.P. has to have a high level of comfort and trust to full-swing. We're building that with our new friends. He's getting more comfortable with the people we are with. Maybe some day we will just be able to meet a couple and fuck, but right now we don't want to.

I don't think answers to your question are going to help you. I'd focus more on getting to know your individual partner's likes and dislikes. Also, it would be beneficial to ease your own concerns about being good enough. That seems like a better avenue to fulfilling your partner's needs than meeting an arbitrary time length of intercourse.

I'm sorry but it is ABSOLUTELY your responsibility to make sure you don't get pregnant if you do not wish to become so! I am a woman, I am a human, I am responsible for my body, and no one else. I control what and WHOM goes into my body, and it's my job to keep MY body healthy and safe (not yours, not Speed's, not our swing partners). It may be "unfair" that a man can ejaculate in a woman, impregnating her, then leave forever while she is "stuck" carrying and birthing the child, but you are aware of this fact of life. It is what it is. If we women don't want to be pregnant, it is our individual responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen. Yeah, it sucks, right along with PMS and periods and yearly exams, but there it is. I can ask if a man has had a vasectomy (and trust his answer), I can demand he wear a condom, I can tell him not to cum in me, I can get on birth control myself, I can NOT have sex with him.... hell, at least I have options! (BTW some options are better than others, I know...) I would never ask a man "what are you waiting for?" or ask a man to go have surgery because I don't want a child. By extension, if a man ever asks me "if you don't want kids why don't you just get fixed?" or "why are you on the pill?" I will respond by saying "because that's what's right for me and my body." Personally, for me, I feel like being on the pill and insisting on condoms is just fine. Is there still a 0.00001% chance I could get pregnant, YES. But I am very comfortable with that level of risk, for me. No one wants to be told what to do (or not do), especially when it comes to our bodies!