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Ok. We're going to be blunt here - If you want to keep your relationship, get rid of the ultimatum mindset. She is not the only one who can fix this, as it takes at least two to have a working relationship. That being said, something is definitely wrong with this picture. Your rules obviously allow you to do anything with someone else other than actual intercourse.. ok.. got it. So grinding is ok? What happens if you're naked and grinding and something slips into just the right position? Does just one accidental stroke count as breaking the rules? Look at yourselves and ask each other why you do this... What does it bring to the table that keeps you going back for more? Unless you're already unhappy, it should bring excitement and enjoyment watching your SO enjoy the PHYSICAL pleasure of being with another. Right now it sounds to us like you're wanting your cake and trying to eat it too. She didn't go off and have an affair with someone, she went off and got carried away by a physical moment of pleasure. It's entirely possible that the shoes could be reversed on this one and you having crossed that line. Think about that. Consider if you had just a little bit more to drink and a hot lady was in your lap grinding and wiggled just right. That can happen just as easily. Would you be disgusted with yourself, keep it to yourself, or would you face the music willingly and admit it, especially if your SO didn't see? You have entered into a world where physical acts happen between people, and it is entirely possible to get carried away. Walk a couple of miles in her shoes before you make an ultimatum about her making this up to you. And for that matter, it is YOUR responsiblity to help her make up for it - by establishing reasonable guidelines to do so, and to be open to her doing so. We are all human (I haven't met an alien yet) and we ALL make mistakes. Allowing yourself to realize just that one point will take you a long way towards rebuilding your relationship and your trust. But trust is a 2 way street, just as respect is. You have to give it to get it.

Three things here get Dave's attention, two of which have been addressed already. Of course the rules - they are your rules and we don't see any negotiating out of those, especially if they were stated as they are typed. This of course leads to the discussion of what defines sex - oral, vaginal, anal, digital, etc. So many types, so many things to discuss on that note alone that most have different ideas before things get started. Second is the way things played out. We've met and tried to play with couples before where the gentleman couldn't get it up. We question if the couple you were with knew your rules before you went to play, as that is a mistake me made on our first on-premis club play many years ago. Not being up-front about the limits. As for when you came back, we'd seriously reccomend giving that some thought as well. You told her you would be just going to the bathroom - it is probably very unreasonable to think that everything is going to just stop right there and wait for your return. A little position changing will probably happen. Again we go back to what is her definition of sex.... Third, in this lifestyle you have to trust each other, and that is just as important as the communication piece. The "I drank too much" excuse is a first off bat to avoid a fight when something happens, yet the communication is there to get past that and into what really happened. The problem itself is expectations in our opinion. You go into a room to play some, and the guy gives you some awesome advice, that fits in well with what you're looking for. Yet you haven't taken the time to really get to know them, to know their rules, and to build a modicum of trust in them and how they are together. Kudo's on jumping in - a lot of couples never make to to an on-premis club in their lives, but sometimes we have to take things slow to begin with, and try couple-couple play and the get to know you before you really go for it. Especially when just starting out. That in itself lets you find out the areas that you and your wife need to communicate more on without a big drama scene in the midst of a big party. A little drama when starting out with one couple is way different from the reputation you can earn when you try a big party. Keep communicating, but you should try to have realistic expectations about rules. Your rules are your own rules, and what you both agree to, but when making them, you should be thinking of things like - how do you get a condom on a guy if you're trying to get him hard to begin with, or how do you flirt with someone if you can't go on the dancefloor with them? Some rules are literally impossible to really and truly maintain. Good luck, and keep communicating.

Clearly, you two weren't on the same page with your own rules. You each interpreted the rules to meet your own needs. You can't fault her if the communication was not what it should have been and she went a little faster than you thought she should and she can't fault you for being angry/hurt. Sounds like she had the pedal to the metal and you were just kinda putt-puttin, keeping it slow. Do I have that right? Most of us here believe that you should only go as fast as the slowest person. If you're just feeling out the water and not quite ready to jump in, your GF should be going only as fast as you are. Does that make sense? Do you want to work through this? You both jumped into this without really communicating the rules thoroughly. Communication is so much more than just talking. It's reading your partners body language, reading eyes, and not just listening to what the other person has to say but really LISTENING to what your partner has to say. It's really getting to know your other partner. Telling each other everything. Communication is being so honest it hurts. It's totally up to you if this is your first and last time swinging. Some couples are not cut out to swing, and that's OK. If you can work through this one-time incident, can communicate more effectively the rules and be totally honest with each other, be honest in your observations and feelings and most importantly, maintain respect for each other and your partners -- swinging can be done successfully. As far as the drinking... I can't help but think you might have also known she'd had too much. You were with her and know her the best. Did you think she'd had too much? Most people lose all inhibitions with drinking. Some call it liquid courage. If you really need to drink to excess to have fun, you're not ready to play with others. You bet it can. But the greatest problem I see with you two is your communication skills. You both played a major role in this failure of communication. If I'm reading this right, it does sound like you both had different takes on what your rules were, in addition, the drinking made for a bad night. This can be corrected. Rules were broken, but not all is lost. Talk over coffee at the kitchen table. Without accusing, talk about how it made you feel, let her talk about how she feels and go from there. Get it all out in the open and see if this can't be corrected, and move on. I really wish you both luck. Talking is easy. Communication isn't so much.

I have to say I find it a bit offensive that you seem to assume that there must be something wrong with a person who truly does choose to stay single. Being in a relationship is not the only healthy option out there. Just as being married isn't for everyone, being in a relationship isn't for everyone either. I happen to choose to be single because there is nothing I can get form having a bf that I am not currently getting somewhere in my life. Honestly, I think if society would lay off making it seem like being in a relationship was the only truly healthy thing and if you're not there must be something wrong, then more people, particularly women I think, would choose to single, either for good or for a lot longer than they do now.