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One can look at the universe of possible ways people can come into our lives in a way that includes a sexual dimension as a continum or spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is swinging -which is all about the fun and pleasure of sexing, lusting and fucking. On the other end of the spectrum, is polyamory -which is about having more than one love or 'emotionally intimate' interest, and where there is permisson for sex to be a part of expressing that intimacy. In swinging the sex is an extension of the couples sexual relationship, it adds to and does not replace it or exist apart from the couples sexual relationship. In polyamory, any sex that happens is part of the intimacy ( and emotonal bonds ) between one or the other partner's additional love interest(s). Sometimes both people in a couple can each love both parties in another couple ( a quad) or a single (triad) , but it is more usual for poly people to maintain "one on one" interests that do not include their spouse sexually.(V's). In swinging it is more common for couples to play together with other couples oir singles, in polyamory it is more common for members of a couple to play seperately with their individual outside love interests or friends. I notice that those couples that define themselves as 'swingers' congregate somewhere toward the swinging end of the spectrum. Sure, they may have a few swinging friends they see time to time... but they have no hesitation playing with people they are attracted to and have just met either. They may even each have swinging play partners or members of favorite swinging couples that they swing seperately with. I notice that those that define themselves as 'polyamorous' congregate somewhere near the polyamory end of the spectrum -one or each person in the couple will have at least one other person other than their primay partner that they are emotionally bonded to in some way that they have sex with... sure, they may as a couple have friend couples they have sex with together or seperately...and they may even possible 'swing' on rare occasion too. So, in practice any couple (or person) can be anywhere on this spectrum. And some people can do equally well at either pole of this spectrum. IMHO, it takes a lot of inner knowledge, experience and wisdom to work near the middle of this spectrum. The key difference is that swingers have no problem having sexual fun without any emotional ties, as opposed to polyamorous people that really want or need the emotional component to complement and potentiate the sex. So I guess that from what you have said **Macbeth** , you and your partner each have to figure out and come to terms with where each of you are on this spectrum, and understand each pole of this spectrum -before you will be able to figure out your best next move. I have a hunch you may have a more swinging attitude, where the sex can preceed any feelings, your wife may have a more polyamorous attitude where at least some feelings must preceed the sex. Go to gatherings of both communities! It is very natural for new people to want to seek the safety of starting out with people they already know. But this perception of safety is an illusion, the chances of things going wrong with vanella friends are vastly highter than them going right, and it's usually a case of the blind leading the blind for beginners. Also, new people do not understand that the true safety in the swinging lifestyle actually comes from within their relationship... swingers not only co-enhance the relationship sexually, but co-protect it in it's entirety!

I think it's a little natural to want to first cast the net for possibilities among your circle of friends. Mostly becasue they are a known quantity, there is a comfort level there. However, it's also the reason that some people don't want to date their best guy/girl friend...you can never go back to what it was. What if you and some friends swap one night and it's all good, but then the other hubby wants to creep around behind his wife's back to play with your wife? How would you feel if a swap does happen but then friends get blabby? My thoughts tend along the lines of all of our friends (in and out of the LS) were strangers once. Try going to an off premise club if she is open to the idea...you still get the sexy, charged environment without feeling like you have to go to the playroom. We've also had success meeting folks through Swing Lifestyle. There you can set up more one on one meetings with other couples so it's more like a date night out (dinner, drinks, etc). Of course she's more open to just kind of doing things separately because that's all sex has ever been (and generally how it's "supposed to be"). Women get performance anxiety too you know...should we be louder? What if I have a more intense reaction to someone else, how is my sweetie going to feel? Jealous? Inadequate? And you know...those are all valid concerns. Speaking from our limited experience playing separately (not separate rooms...that's quite nice actually...but one of us having playtime where the other is aware but not involved in anyway), I feel it really leads to a disconnect with us as a couple...the longer we are together and the longer we try to stay involved in the LS, I like to feel that it is something we do together...not feel like we're both setting off on different paths to experience. YMMV, that is just my experience and there are plenty of others here that have had great success with separate playtime. At the very least, look for a local meet and greet. They are usually held in bars or restaurants and it provides a chance to just socialize with others. It may make you and your wife more comfortable.