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Your post is an example of what happens when you assume your way is the only way. Just like its wrong to think swinging is for everyone, so is it wrong to think having a completely open polyamorus relationship is for everyone too. I thought every one here recognized that not only do people not mate for life, but also they are not monogamous. That is the liberation we are all to enjoy. That is a liberation YOU enjoy, and good for you if it works. While I am not monogamous I don't see me not 'mated for life'. I don't want an emotional crazy roller coaster and I'm perfectly happy with Mrs. Chicup as my only 'lover' as compared to my 'likers'

There's always two sides to every issue. When I first started reading this thread, where I thought it was headed was here. Those of you who've read it before know of what I speak. I've seen several threads here over time where one member of a couple willingly walks into swinging, finds it is not going exactly how they'd like, and the resulting outcome is some hurt feelings, broken communication, etc. The right responses to situations like this do not include shutting down communication, making demands, giving ultimatums, or anything else that could be construed as divisive. Swinging or poly relationships both depend upon emotional and psychological honesty between all partners. Without that, it will be an unhealthy situation at best. To the couple that started this thread; I don't think you're going to be a train wreck. I see hurt feelings, dashed hopes and expectations, and more. But, I don't see an unhappy marriage in what little has been written so far. For the husband's part, yes he marched into this and encouraged your emotional and physical bonding with P. When the reality became something other than what he wanted, he asked for the plug to be pulled. This isn't inherently wrong. Any spouse, in any swinging situation, has a right to change their minds, say no, back up, pull the plug, re-evaluate, etc. and do so without fear of castigation by the other spouse. With my wife and I, that is an inviolable rule. For us, if one of us does that we leave the situation without question or drama. We then discuss it outside of the situation, focusing on us. That's what we're in swinging for after all; us. That rule has never been exercised because we've both always been happy with any swinging activities going on. Both of you have the right to say no to something, to stop something. Neither of you has the right to demand yes and allow something to happen. My wife and I in exploring swinging recognize there will be times that we're trying something new, and the outcome may be that we decide it wasn't all that great, and we'd prefer not to do it again. On some things, you can't know if you will like it unless you try it. I think I want my wife to have a regular lover on the side, and see him fairly frequently, playing solo, so long as no emotional ties develop beyond friendship. My wife thinks it is possible she would like that. Neither of us will know unless we decide to try (I'm ready to try, she's not quite ready yet). As we try, if either of us does not like it, either of us can pull the plug and should do so sooner rather than later. Your husband was willing to trying swapping spouses for a night. When he realized he didn't like it, he should have said so after night 1, and not kept on taking it for the home team. Likewise, if you didn't like having sex with other men in front of your husband, you shouldn't keep doing it to take one for the home team. Doing these things just generates animosity. "I hate doing this, but I'll put up with it because it makes him/her happy" is not a recipe for happiness. It's a recipe for disaster. There is currently a disconnect between what your husband wants and what you want. Your husband wants to have same room sex with you, wants to watch you have sex with other people. I can certainly understand that. It's highly erotic for me to watch my wife having sex with other men. I suspect your husband may not ultimately be comfortable with a poly situation. In his post, it appears he's very concerned about the emotional bond you have with P, and the exchange of "I love you"'s. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to watch you have sex with other men. There is nothing wrong with him not feeling comfortable sharing your heart with other men. You want to have private sex with other men, men with whom you share an emotional bond. You don't want to have sex in front of other people, and you don't want to have sex with people whom you do not love. I can readily understand that as well. Being alone in the room with a sex partner allows you to fully focus on that partner, and not have to be concerned about your spouse for the moment. Also, having an emotional bond with a sex partner just "feels" right to many people, and it certainly adds to sexual pleasure in many cases. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. I think it is a right and good thing that you stop playing with this couple, at least for now. The two of you need to be on the same page, and need to be certain what you are doing is what both of you want. That's not the case right now. In swinging or in poly, when that disconnect happens stepping back as far as needed to get to a point of agreement is necessary. Once you're back in agreement, you can work on how to move forward again I have a friend with whom I am very close. She and I were engaged a long time ago, but broke up. We remained close, and are still close to this day. It is a very tight, deep, emotional bond that we share. It not longer has romantic or physical aspects to it, but there is still a very strong bond. I do love her, and I love her very much. In various discussions my wife has asked if I would want to restart a physical relationship with her. My answer, after some thinking, is no and will remain no. Even assuming she were a swinger (she's not, I'm very certain of that), the idea of resuming a physical relationship with her is dangerous at best. Your situation with P is probably similar in some ways. Despite your warnings, I don't think you fully understood the gravity of the emotional situation that was going to evolve. It's not new relationship euphoria. All the more reason it is dangerous. NRE could be waved off; after half a year or so of regular sex with this guy, your relationship with him would probably stabilize. But, starting out with a strong emotional bond and adding sex to it; that's lighting the fuse on a nuclear bomb and being amazed when it goes BOOM. In any case, your husband doesn't share the same bond with P's wife that you do with P. It's a lopsided quad poly relationship. Such things can work, but it's dicey. If ever you go back down the road of a quad poly relationship, I think it would be a better idea to do so with a new, to both of you, couple. In the meantime, it's a good thing that the brakes have been put on. I'm sorry your losing the physical relationship with P. I'm sure the sex was wonderful, and the relationship felt fantastic. Nevertheless, your husband is more important, and you've certainly shown that in your post. Bravo!

From what we can tell, this path is unacceptable for you. Swinging, in our book, is a couples experience. If one of us isn't happy or comfortable then we fix it -- even if that means dialing back the activities. You don't want to be a "debbie downer" but in the long term it doesn't seem as if this can continue. Your marriage will ultimately suffer and that is the worst of all possible worlds. Sometimes, especially with new partners, you can get so caught up in the excitement that you don't realize that you've gone to far (especially if your partner is not speaking up and you are technically following all the rules). You need to speak up. Fast.

My question is how is she treating you otherwise? If your relationship is good on all other planes, then let her have her fun. None of us can help who we find attractive or even fall in love with. But I suspect this is swinger "puppy love," it will play out, and she will love you all the more for it. Tell her you are happy she has found this fascination and that you are there for her. She will ultimately be more grateful to you that you have given her all this within the security of a dependable marriage.

I would look in the mirror and know that I would be the one to blame for what has happened to this relationship and what is happening within it. YOU did something you where not comfortable with in Vegas. Four nights of closed door playing. Right there you should have been honest with your spouse and the other couple. This was not something you wanted to do. Because you wanted to be the "good guy" you let it happen and now it has gotten out of control and you are having real problems with it. You state you have this rock hard relationship with our wife, then prove it to her and yourself. Be honest with her and put a stop to all of this before it ends your relationship with your wife and friends. Talk to her then get all four of you together and talk with them. There does not have to be a fight or argument. You have to man up and tell them the truth. You are not comfortable with the way things are, you are not happy with it and there needs to be some adjustments made or you don't want to swing anymore. You already know what you have to do, I can see it in your writing but you are to concerned about being a bad guy rather then using your head and working this out as an adult. Your not playing high school games here, your playing with your relationship and your lifestyle. Be honest with yourself, your wife and your friends. There is no reason to lose any of it if you act like an adult and do it right. Hope you make the right choices here for all concerned. Good luck.