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Good morning Mr. Curious, I hope that you and the Mrs. got a good night’s sleep. There are a couple of things that I want you to think about while the two of you are sorting all of this out. The two of you went to an “Off-Premise” swinger’s party at a vanilla club. Honestly, I have never been to one, only “On-Premise” clubs. In virtually ever off-premise party that I have ever heard of (except some in the news that didn’t stay within the law) there is nothing that is going to “happen” at the club. Your overall expectations of the possibilities greatly exceeded the possible outcome at the club itself. For that reason you were looking for something that would happen, that quite frankly wouldn’t. Sexy dancing – yes. Kissing, petting, and fondling – yes. Sex – no. So in reality, what you could possibly see was heavy flirting. And that is what the two of you came there for, or so I would imagine. Also, I would expect that at an off-premise club there would be a lot higher percentage of couple there who are first timers just like you. They haven’t figured it out either. This is going to sound like a major criticism of you, but I don’t want you to think of it that way, but I can’t think of any other way to say it before I finish my first cup of coffee this morning. The reason that there was nothing between you and the other lady is that your entire focus was on your wife, not on the lady that you were meeting. Yes, you probably put enough energy into her to keep up with the conversation, but from everything you have said, you head was focused on your wife. When we meet a couple for the first time, you have to divide your attention. How your intention is divided will change as the meet goes on. But once your wife is on the dance floor with him, 90% of your attention should have been on the new lady and only 10% on your wife to make sure she is safe and having fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other lady this morning isn’t telling her husband the same thing that you told us about her. You didn’t put enough effort into it, or, you and she had the same problem. You were both paying so much attention to your spouses that you were not paying attention to each other. Even if you had, you might not have hit it off. I hope that you take all of the above as food for thought, because, sitting here a thousand miles away I can only guess and give ya’ possibilities. S

Very good question! I like some of the responses I've heard but am surprised that some are amazed that some people back out after meeting the spouse... Remember, there are A LOT of single as well as married people who just like the thrill of cheating! also, in a singles case, they are not looking for emotional attachment, just the sex. Factoring in their (fake) morals, they freak about the "availability" of the partner they are playing with, and once they meet the spouse, the "fun of cheating" is gone as well as they now know if they continue they might "fall in love" and hence they wish to stop. Make sense to anyone? cause I think I confused myself... That's why Elena doesn't let me post without adult supervision!!!!!!!!

Same for me. Along with the fact that the people who should be the least judgmental were actually the most. So, what you are asking is...is non-monogamy in our nature? Right? I have to say that yes, it certainly can be. Maybe even is period. I do find it "natural" to find others attractive. Anyone who claims that they never find someone else other than their SO attractive is either lying or way to obsessed with the SO. What you do with that attraction is the point. Swinging, open marriages and polyamory are ways of admitting this attraction and dealing with it ethically. I also find it "natural" to love many people. And most agree with that. They just limit romantic love to one person. And, just as above, if you find you love someone else, it is what you do with that love that matters.But I wonder at times how many people would still feel that loving more than one was the only way if they knew they were free to love more than one person at a time. Now, I have not always believed some of this. Once I left the church and started thinking for myself some things changed. Swinging wasn't hard to do really. After all, I was sharing this with my husband. And I know sex doesn't have to include love. Knew that even as a Sunday school teacher and the wife of a deacon. Now, sharing my husband with someone else emotionally wasn't easy. Loving one person at a time in much more ingrained by society I think. And you have much more of yourself invested in the process of love than just a physical act. You are vulnerable in many ways here. Through my journey since 2005, through swinging and polyamory, I've learned that people are capable of more than the world will let them know they are. Can everyone get past what they have been taught even if they suddenly believed all this was in their nature? No. Absolutely not. Some won't be able to stand up to the work of relearning and some just will not want to. I was very happy in my marriage of 20 years. I have a different life now in many ways. But I am still happy in my marriage of 25 years. And if it came down to it, I could still be happy with just Gator in my life...sexually and romantically. It's all in the depth of my love for him and what we have come through in this world together. While I could be happy in a monogamous relationship with Gator again, I will never again believe that is the only way. Hmmm....so, I guess all that boils down to it depends on what you do with it. I think a lot of things can be in our nature. Whether good or bad. Certainly many bad things are done by people in the world. What you do with things you feel is the answer. No hurting others seems to be the answer. Vol