Leaderboard

Well, I've gotta agree with N&G. People in the "Lifestyle" have changed. Maybe we can partly blame the internet. We pick and choose where we go based on websites and reviews. Potential playmates are a dime a dozen on AFF, Swing Lifestyle, etc.. We look at profiles so closely trying to find a match that we start reading between the lines and coming up with some BS reason why they are not our type. We weed out those who can't write a proper essay about themselves. Maybe they missed something that was important to us, but instead of asking, it's easier to click on the next profile. We might have "the ability to pick and choose" but we don't realize we are being overwhelmed with choices. We really don't even need to choose. We can get by just knowing we could if we wanted to. Just like the people that go to clubs for the 'atmosphere'. Communication by writing is one of the poorest forms of getting to know someone. Emotions, attitudes and tones can't be truly expressed, even using smilies. We text, we chat, we spend all this time trying to find hidden meanings. We judge someone based on how we interpret what they wrote, which is usually different than how they are in person. The funniest person in the world could come across as a bore if he's a hunt and peck typist. We've become so accustomed to communicating online and having the safety of a keyboard that we've forgotten how to socialize. Put your typical "MyFace Twitts", (you know, the ones with 5000 cyber-friends) in a real face to face social situation and watch them clam up and sit alone all night. Check out the AFF chat rooms sometimes. Thousands of people posturing and they all become deer in the headlights when asked if they want to meet. It looks like the amount of swingers has increased with all this new technology, but in reality most are wannabes hiding behind their keyboards using being picky as an excuse. Unfortunately it's the people that really do swing that have to waste time trying to weed out all the wannabes and atmosphere seekers. Having to to post an ad in a magazine or attend a party forced people to actually talk. Great friendships have started after talking with people that otherwise would have been written off based on a profile. A tattoo in a photo that was a turn-off might not be a big deal in person. The old way doesn't mean lowering your standards so much as abandoning unrealistic expectations. Sure, it's a little tougher to reject someone, as opposed to deleting a message and blocking someone, but it doesn't mean you have to play with everyone you meet. We (the literal we) like to meet people that we could become good friends with. If we limited ourselves to only those that wanted the same we would have missed out on some truly great experiences. People swing for different reasons. Some are looking for that one perfect friendship and won't settle for less. Some are looking for quantity of experiences. Some are just out to have fun without overthinking the whole thing. Key parties aren't for the first group. They're not about 'winning' the most attractive person or 'losing' and having to go with the least attractive. It's the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone and taking risks. It's socializing with someone you might never would have. It's sex for fun, no deeper meaning, no therapy if it wasn't perfect. It's doing it right now. Today's 'Lifestyler' can't comprehend something that doesn't need a bunch of rules and research. People are spending more time preparing to live than actually living.

Good for you. It's always best to wait until you're alone before discussing anything that might have bothered either one of you. Wrong that it bothered you? No, we can't help how we feel. Was it poor taste/bad manners...yes, perhaps... but, it happens. You were in a swinger's club where people go to have sex, ask for sex and be asked for sex from others who are not their SO. How you answer and deal with it falls totally on your head, not the head of those who proposition you or your SO. You cannot control what other people say or how they act. You can only control how you react to it. If you had wanted NDN to wait until he had finished with you, you should have said so. NEVER assume anyone can read your mind and that includes your SO. It happened, the two of you discussed it and now there's nothing left to do but trust that it won't happen again. You two are in a fairly unique situation (he plays, you don't). If you continued to take this journey you are going to be faced with many different scenarios like this one. Keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you is the only way you will have a chance of coming out on top. I wanted to comment on the above, especially the part I bolded. Due to your unique situation, things will be doubly hard for you two in swinging...it can work but, one of the keys to making it work is that she IS having as much fun as you. That is no different than any other swinging relationship...the fun factor has to be pretty much equal for both parties. If it's not, eventually resentment will creep in and small, tiny, insignificant problems will become big problems. If firefly isn't having just as much fun watching you play with others (whether she ever participates or not) as you are having playing with others, things will eventually fall apart. The playing aspect of swinging doesn't have to be equal but the fun and enjoyment of it has to be pretty damn close to equal to be successful. Teresa

This statement posted above pretty much sums it up. "People are spending more time preparing to live than actually living." Congrats to lovenestduo, that is one of the best posts that has been made here in years! The "Lifestyle" has changed and grown, Swinging has not. Honestly, my dick does not care if you play chess, like to eat Mexican food or what you do for a living. I am not looking for a relationship, I already have the best one in the world with Laura and there is no way you can live up to that in my life. People have made this "Lifestyle" so hard it is getting to that point that it really is not that much fun anymore. 75% or more of the people that go to clubs or conventions or are on the Internet looking are NOT SWINGERS! They are in some talking fantasy land that they will NEVER get out of and go any further. I see over 1000 people each week at the club and over the years the ratio of "players" to "lookers" has grown to the point that most of the "players" have little to no interest in even showing up any longer. I have seen people post on this forum for YEARS that have NEVER played with anyone but their SO yet they have advice for newbies coming here looking for information. Blind leading the blind. They are experts by reading what others have posted. That is one pilot I hope I never get to fly with. NO, I don't believe it has got better. People spend countless hours looking for a reason to NOT play in this Lifestyle today. I know couples that have spent months searching for that perfect match and after talking to them for a while point out to them that that "match" does not exist, they are looking for people that are just like they are, someone they would want to marry if they could. They bad mouth the "Lifestyle" because it is not crawling with people that are just like them. No couple is just alike and it seems that most can not understand that. It took most of us years to find our perfect mates for life yet some feel they can go out and find them all over again in a very narrow field. It is not going to happen. The definition of "Swinger" has become so broad it has no real meaning any longer. It is anyone that "thinks" they are "different minded" enough to have sex with someone they are not married to even though they will never do that. Seven years ago we started setting a easy dress code one night a week at the club. It was done on purpose. "Swim suits or less" so that the "Swingers" would have a night. It is fun to listen to the 90% of the others that won't come that night tell the rest of the world how "bad" that night is even though they have never been on that night and won't come because of the dress code. They are putting down the "Swingers" for being "Swingers". You live and enjoy the "Lifestyle" anyway you want but after 30+ years, NO, I don't feel Swinging has got any better. It has become something it was not. It is how people have become today. Running around being something they are not and using every excuse to justify it. Swingers are not ashamed of who they are and don't have to hide in a closet. They don't have to worry about what they rest of the world or the Lifestyle thinks about them. They live their lives and enjoy it without all the drama and nonsense that the other 75%+ live with on a daily basis. There is a reason the "Divorce Rate" has gone way up in this "Lifestyle" and it has nothing to do with having "SEX" with others.

Key parties worked years ago because people went to parties to have sex. Now it seems that people want to be "best friends" first or there has to be some kind of "special" chemistry or they don't play at all and think that swing parties are some kind of exibition. If you read the forums on some swing sites you have to wonder if anyone plays at all. They spend all their time bitching about all the kinds of people that they don't want to play with which seems to be just about everyone. We go on sites to MEET people, not to find a hundred reasons not to. I guess we're just from the old school and feel that the lifestyle has changed for the worse. On the other hand maybe we're just old.

I personally felt that some of these responses were a little harsh compared to what I normally see on these boards. Most of the people that have posted on this topic usually have very good, thoughtful and sincere posts. I want to think that they were just a little more blunt than usual and as a result, no empathy came through for Little Firefly's emotional concerns. In many cases, the message seemed to be 'your in the lifestyle so deal with it' and I KNOW THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ALL MEANT !!! (had to say that before I get my ass chewed, lol) but reading many of these posts they do sound callous. It's easy for us to sit back at a distance and pick apart something but in the heat of the moment, when the emotions are elevated, you don't always say or do the right thing. I think posts could have been a little more supportive and would have went a lot further with helping this couple out in their adventures into the lifestyle. I think little firefly was looking for someone to agree with her that NDN was a little to anxious and jumped so fast she was semi-startled/shocked, lol. NDN did just that.

I've been reading through the posts and some of them have really bothered me. Others have stated that she brought what happened upon herself or that she basically asked for it. I want it stated clearly that she did nothing at all wrong. The other couple and I were the ones to blame here not her. Nothing had even been mentioned by either of the other couple that they had an interest in me playing with them that night so when T tapped me on the shoulder asking me to join them, firefly and I were both taken by surprise. When I asked her if it was ok and she said yes (she was kind of put on the spot) I should have told T that I would love to but that I would like to finish playing with my own spouse first. I always tell her that she comes first with me no matter what and in this situation I didn't do that. I had an invite to play with someone else and I pretty much just left her hanging which was wrong. It's made me really upset to see that she's been pretty much bashed on here because she doesn't play. We sought this site out specifically so that we could get advice as situations arise and that others might could help her feel more comfortable with my LS, but she seems to be looked down upon as if she's in the wrong for how she feels. This of course doesn't apply to all the posts and she and I do appreciate all those who have at least some understanding of her feelings I don't agree with this at all. Yes it is a big deal for swingers to let their mates play with others (I know this because I used to be half of a full swap couple), but it's a much bigger deal for someone who isn't in and has no interest to be in the LS at all to let their SO play. Her comfort zone is pushed way beyond that of couples in which both play. In those relationships both are having a good time with others and can pretty much disassociate themselves from what their mate is doing. With her however, she's totally left out, by her own choice yes, but she's not getting to have fun while I play. I think this speaks volumes about her character and about her love for me.......

Everyone else has responded to the rest of your post, and I agree with them, but I did want to address this one point. Please don't ever let yourself feel pressured into saying yes, regardless of how you would be "seen". You are never too far along in a situation to say no. You have every right to say no at any point, whether it's a public play room or not, if you are uncomfortable. Trust me if you say no, they'll just move on to someone else. This was new for both of you, and I'm sure you've talked a lot since, and learned a lot from this experience. We all have learned from our experiences. There's no rule book here, so make it up as you go and just keep talking. Mrs NC