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Dear messedup; I'm new here so I will be as kind as I can be, because mostly that's what I would like. First off think about what you thought swinging was going to be like when you first entertained the notion. Now realize that it's not just fantasy, but reality. It's not just you, and your man in you safe place calling that shots just the way you want them, then cleaning up, and going to bed. (we learned that one that hard way). Second thing you started this! Your husband is doing all he can to keep you happy while not getting lost, or making bad decisions. Third thing is you did not start off telling us about you being the queen of the BJ as far as you knew. So I think it is safe to say there is other things being held back from this forum, as well as your therapist. I know you say your being up front because of the money. But, what ever. Forth, you have everything you need to get through this if you just stop trying to be so damn rational. Ask yourself the question you don't what to know the answers to. Fifth, if I was to guess I would say without a doubt you are a control freak. On the night in question you not only didn't have control over your husband, but even worst you didn't have control over yourself, as you have stated. Now your just plain old pissed off, and you are making your self fell better by saying that you don't know who to forgive, and move on. Control is an illusion!!! But you are working so hard to prove other wise you risk all you have going. No one here has said it yet, but I will, you may have turned a corner that night for one reason or another, but your husband is going to reach a corner of his own soon. He didn't force any of this on you! People can only take so much. Please for the sake of our children, ask yourself the hard questions. Surrender to a lack of logic. You entered into a place of no life reference. Your trying to get answers to questions that aren't asked. You can't turn to you friends or family. For the most part your alone on this in your day to day life. If your driven by logic, then write your reasons for getting into this, all your expectations down. The things you did and what you wanted, and work your hard questions from there. Keeping in mind that expectation leads to disappointment. In ending your in a bad place rite now, but when you work your way through it you will be the better for it. So often we treat the symptom, and not the patient. Chances are your are going to have to deal with other issues as well as what is here now. When under pressure a good rule of survival is don't think about everything at once. One thing at a time is best. Wish you, and your husband well.2C

I reiterate: passive aggressive psychological punishment. Seeking attention (albeit negative, and now through this board) because someone else pleased your husband whereas you were the only one before; the feeling of being needed and someone else has 'filled your shoes.' You say no but can't put your finger on the problem of why you can't get over it. It's subconscious and until you realize it and bring it to the surface, it's just plain denial.

Thanks for coming back, registering and answering questions and...Welcome to the board. Was this your first swinging experience ? I ask because it seems to me that it was and the following is based on that assumption. From reading over your posts I feel you’re in mourning for something you feel you’ve lost between you and your husband. Not only are you mourning a feeling of loss but you’re also pissed at yourself (and possibly your husband) because you feel you or both of you destroyed something special within your relationship. It’s a very natural feeling and one a lot of people have after their first experience, to some degree or another. It’s not talked about a lot here on the board because for most it’s a fleeting feeling/thought that is quickly replaced by an exponential feeling of gain. You’re having no feeling of gain, only a feeling of loss. You’re seeing no good from your experience, only bad. Once a couple opens up their sexual relationship to others, they do indeed lose something. They have now lost the ability to say...”He/she is the only person I’ve had sex with since we married”. For those that understand and know sex does not equal love, this loss is nothing. For those that have a hard time separating the two (which I feel you might be one of), this loss is a big deal. I think you are mourning the fact that you can no longer say those words and because of not being able to say them, you feel as if now your relationship and the love you have for your husband is somehow less than what it was. That because now that you’re not each other’s one and only (since getting married) sexually, that there’s nothing left that makes you special to each other. The truth is, it was because of the love and specialness of your relationship that you found yourself even able to talk about opening up your sex lives, let alone actually doing it. You both agreed to this, you both participated and you both will come through it. How do you overcome this and get the feelings you once had about your marriage and husband back again? You realize that all you’ve really lost is the ability to say one simple sentence and have it be true...one sentence, that’s it, nothing else. Everything that made you love your husband and feel about him the way you did is still there. Everything that gave you the capability to even discuss opening up your sex life is still there. Everything that made your relationship special to you and him, is still there. Understand and know that sex does not equal love. Stop mourning a simple loss that you can do nothing about and get back to everything that is still there in your life. Teresa

Tsk, Tsk, messed up. Sarcasm doesn't become you on this issue. The brutal truth is that you must own up to the mistake and get over it. You keep asking how to do that. We keep making suggestions and you keep asking. We're all very concerned for you and want to help, but you must also want to lend a hand. You must decide that the issue is in the past and nothing can be done about it at this late date. It's a "shouldadone." Further, when considering other problems associated with managing a family, the importance of the experience you're making such a fuss about is a "one" on a scale of "one-to-ten." A "ten" on that scale would be the death of your spouse or the suicide of a child. Accept the unimportance of what happened, laugh about your overreaction, and put it in the past. Use the time you're wasting on this issue to express your appreciation of a marriage which is operating in the 99th percentile and a husband who loves you very much. Mr. Alura