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Dear messedup; I'm new here so I will be as kind as I can be, because mostly that's what I would like. First off think about what you thought swinging was going to be like when you first entertained the notion. Now realize that it's not just fantasy, but reality. It's not just you, and your man in you safe place calling that shots just the way you want them, then cleaning up, and going to bed. (we learned that one that hard way). Second thing you started this! Your husband is doing all he can to keep you happy while not getting lost, or making bad decisions. Third thing is you did not start off telling us about you being the queen of the BJ as far as you knew. So I think it is safe to say there is other things being held back from this forum, as well as your therapist. I know you say your being up front because of the money. But, what ever. Forth, you have everything you need to get through this if you just stop trying to be so damn rational. Ask yourself the question you don't what to know the answers to. Fifth, if I was to guess I would say without a doubt you are a control freak. On the night in question you not only didn't have control over your husband, but even worst you didn't have control over yourself, as you have stated. Now your just plain old pissed off, and you are making your self fell better by saying that you don't know who to forgive, and move on. Control is an illusion!!! But you are working so hard to prove other wise you risk all you have going. No one here has said it yet, but I will, you may have turned a corner that night for one reason or another, but your husband is going to reach a corner of his own soon. He didn't force any of this on you! People can only take so much. Please for the sake of our children, ask yourself the hard questions. Surrender to a lack of logic. You entered into a place of no life reference. Your trying to get answers to questions that aren't asked. You can't turn to you friends or family. For the most part your alone on this in your day to day life. If your driven by logic, then write your reasons for getting into this, all your expectations down. The things you did and what you wanted, and work your hard questions from there. Keeping in mind that expectation leads to disappointment. In ending your in a bad place rite now, but when you work your way through it you will be the better for it. So often we treat the symptom, and not the patient. Chances are your are going to have to deal with other issues as well as what is here now. When under pressure a good rule of survival is don't think about everything at once. One thing at a time is best. Wish you, and your husband well.2C

The reason that I said seek a psychologist rather than a therapist comes down to training and experience. A psychologist (especially one with more focused and advanced masters or PhD schooling) has a much deeper level of understanding of what is going on inside the human mind, psyche and personality. A therapist is often someone who has no psychology training and has instead gotten a diploma in some type of therapy coupled with an internship/training. You will sometimes find a therapist who is also a psychologist, but I believe that this is a rare combination. In different places the rules can be different, some places don't require a 'therapist' to have any special training or certification at all. Others have rigorous methods of ensuring only qualified people can call themselves therapists. All in all though I would always prefer to see a psychologist rather than a therapist. In any given situation though I am going to look for someone who has a specialty in the issue I am dealing with. I am not going to see a psychologist who specializes in depression with teen girls if I am a grown man dealing with anxiety. Likewise if my issue is of a sexual nature, with my relationship and alternative sexual lifestyle then I am going to look for someone who understands that and has experience with dealing with those kinds of issues. Whether that is a therapist or psychologist. Depending on where you life that might be a tough call lol. Sexcupid gave you a great link to get started though. As for learning how to accept it and move on, Alura has you on the right track. It will happen when you decide to make it happen. No special trick; when you decide (internally) to move past it, you will. You can do that consciously and force yourself to move past it. When you dwell on it, rather than let your mood and emotions be directed by those thoughts, do something to change your mood/emotions. Go to the gym, do something fun with your husband, pick up a hobby. It is tough at first, but the more adamant you are about doing it each time those feelings come up, the easier it gets until one day you are going along happily and realize that you haven't even thought about it for weeks. It all comes down to making a decision to not let it impact your life anymore. As I said though, I'm no therapist or psychologist. That's my trick for breaking cycles I don't want to be in anymore. Get out there and be active; exercise, do things you love to do, do things you and your husband love to do. Talk to him openly about it if you think it will help. Tell him what you're doing to try and work past it. Enlist his help when you need it, but don't put the ownership on his shoulders. Seek his help out at times when it's difficult for you to get your mind off it. Also note this isn't repressing I am trying to advocate; it's acceptance. You can't change what happened, all you can impact is what you're going to do next. How you feel is completely under your control. One last thing; you have stated emphatically that you don't blame him, that you aren't holding anything against him etc. I think, based on the way you word things, that subconsciously you blame him at least a little. You stated that you felt he should have read you better...the fact that you mention that at all leads me in the direction of you holding onto some blame for him somewhere deep down. If you were owning this, that thought wouldn't even come up. For me, if I don't speak my mind during a swinging encounter the blame for the outcome is entirely on my shoulders. I can't apportion blame to anyone else for not picking up on my hesitancy, not even my highly perceptive wife. We have made an agreement between us that when it comes to swinging we have to be brutally honest and not expect one another to pick up on subtle cues that we might normally give each other. The situations are far too chaotic and intense to rely on that. I still look for them and pay attention, but you can't rely on them and I don't hold her accountable for not noticing mine.