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I prefer the term... "situationally heteroflexible" if I *must* label myself.

Curiouscpl72, You come to these boards with a haphazardly told story and two questions...some of the best minds on this board (you know who you are VegasLee and LikeMinds) answer you... The answers are not what you want to hear so you make a statement in your last post..."nobody knows my mind don't assume things". Then you go on to thank everybody for their thoughts but that we can't know you or your hubby based on one blurb posted by "I or he".... Then you go on to tell us it was one isolated incident and that you're as much to blame as anyone. And you close by telling us you feel like an ass for posting on something that is already growing cold. You must be careful when you come to Swingersboard...we WANT to help and will offer any advice that we may deem appropriate to the situation... You cannot ask for our advice and then reject it by telling us we don't or can't understand the situation...It is YOUR job to bring us up to speed on YOUR situation so that we may offer appropriate advice. I sincerely hope that the others have helped you in your quest for information and that whatever resolution you come to is what you want. Trace

This post has gotten so many replies and I tend to agree with about all of them. You must really want to swing to keep trying and asking for advice. Most of what has been said isn't the solution I think you are looking for. Maybe a last shot attempt to overcome your obsessions with seemingly jealousness in seeing the other enjoy it "waaaay too much" or not showing enough attention to you or you to her would be separate bedrooms with the door shut. Since your post was so long, let me tell you something, hopefully not as long, just for you to think about. "Making Love" is not a true word to use for sex. My wife and I were deeply in love. Love is something so strong that you would take a bullet for the other. Yet most of our sex was adults at play, motivated by hornyness, not a ritual about loving each other enough to give our lives for each other, although we would have but that was not the motivation of the moment. In fact when she got close to orgasm and was really wild into it I often thought it wouldn't matter to her who was doing her, she just wanted sexual pleasure. Sometimes I came too soon and often thought that if there was another male to finish her, it would make me happy for her to enjoy him satisfying her. This led me into realizing that I loved her enough to want her to really enjoy sex even if it was not me doing her. In one of our private sex conversations she admitted she had some inhibition guilts to overcome, like giving me oral, and mentioned she thought if she could meet some guy she had never seen before in a dark room alone, she could overcome that inhibition by pushing her boundaries, setting aside her demeaning persona of how she thought I might feel her slutty for sucking a dick. Also she admitted having sex with someone unknown just for pure sex play would be the most exciting, thrilling sex act she could imagine. I couldn't give her that feeling anymore because we already had a first time. Only another man could give her that thrill again. That made me think that to let her have sex with another man was giving her something I could not give her myself anymore. Sadly she was diagnosed with fatal cancer, stage four. I loved her enough to pray it would have been me. I would have died for her to live. She had an active sex life between her first marriage and ours. She loved sex. As a show of my love I made an arrangement with a couple. It was my gift of love to her. To know that I was giving her an exciting thrill that was something so special that I couldn't give her myself, short of the last kiss we shared on her death bed. That is what sharing her with another man meant to me, love. I think that is what swinging is all about, providing a loving gift that is more than we can physically give ourselves.

I am not familiar with the history of the other posts, but if they are on the same subject and the OP has received the similar replies, it's truly a shame. Unless there is some sort of deceit on his part, this is a difficulty the couple is experiencing and are attempting to work through. Looking for advice in Situational Help but finding an abundance of condemnation. Come on everyone, I think it's fair to say that none of us have participated in this alternative sexual lifestyle without some challenges. Swinging is an evolution that we all have chosen to take part in. Maybe it would be best to err on the side of compassion and empathy. If one has nothing constructive to offer, then perhaps it's best left unsaid. Who has dictated that the only way to swing is with either one detaching from their own partner while "enjoying themselves too much"? After all, isn't this supposed to be a team activity in which both partners should be in full agreement and comfortable with all that transpires? This issue is of particular interest to me since my wife and I have been challenged by what may be similar issues. In our discussions before interacting with other couples, we have mutually discussed a desire to "stay connected" some way during the experience. It's just what we have wanted up to this point. However, my lovely wife can tend to get very caught up in the moment. Wonderful to see her enjoy herself so completely, but it can be a challenge for me to stay focused and perform under those circumstances. Consciously or sub- consciously could this also be the reason for some performance issues that seem to effect many men? Just last week we had the opportunity to play with another couple two consecutive nights. They had also expressed a desire to stay connected with their s.o. during sex. The first night a good time was had by all, however in her excitement, my wife had some difficulty staying connected with me and I had some minor performance issues. During the next day we talked about how much fun we had and how we could improve on the experience later that night. Well, when the 4 of us got together in the evening, it was spectacular. Both couples managed to stay enjoyably connected to their partners, yet there was plenty of full swap sex, own partner sex and MFM time for the ladies. When it was over, everyone was in complete agreement about how fantastic it had been. So, my advice anc is if both of you mutually desire to keep swinging, do it. If you both desire to stay connected during a foursome, keep talking about it and working towards that goal. It may most enjoyably happen when you least expect it. Frequently although men are the initiators regarding entering the lifestyle, once there the ladies often adapt most quickly. Staying connected during the experience can certainly help with any normal, minor insecurities that may cause. Hope this helps.