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Not having read through the lengthy string but understanding the basics, MissConfused it really is very simple. You get a lot of attention so have your pick of the litter so to speak. Guys are a dime a dozen so there is a LOT of competition. Your husband got a chance to explore with a live breathing willing participant twice, and jumped at the chance even though he probably knew it MAY cause some friction. But, it was justified in his mind since YOU had gotten some playtime with that single guy, although your husband felt uncomfortable because he didn't know where he fit in. IMHO THAT'S YOUR FAULT and partially what has caused him to get 'what he could, when he could' now. Let me explain (if I've read the chain of events right): You sent your husband to start the car. While he was gone you started to get it on with the guy. Since you supposedly were in it together, you should have waited, after some preliminary petting for husband to get back BEFORE starting in on the heavy stuff to make sure HE was involved, AND comfortable; i.e. you go at the slowest persons pace. By getting into it heavy before your husband got back, as you said, made him uncomfortable. Therefore I think his two solo foray's were acceptable, in his mind, as a direct result of you role modeling that you can get it on without him being present. Why has he said that he wants to be in the lifestyle ONLY as a couple? Simply because the women (in this case, YOU) are calling the shots, and it's two fold: 1. he stands a much better chance of getting some if you are involved, as swinging is mostly about couples, and 2. if you are present and calling shots and things are done 'your way,' there's much less friction that will occur, and you both can relax and enjoy the ride. Conclusion: he's learned his lesson in all probability so cut him some slack and stop the self-pity facade. You got yours, he got his, it didn't work out solo probably because you both rely on each other for support, now go at it together and have some fun!

I’m very excited about the fantastic Saturday my wife and I had with some close friends. I won’t go into detail as this first post could easily become a novel but I do need to give some background information. A few years ago my wife and I went for dinner and drinks with another couple we’re close with. A little bit too much to drink and just the perfect storm of a night lead to my wife having her first bisexual experience with our friend. The guys just watched watched in awe as our beautiful wives had sex. The next day I was floating on cloud nine. Telling my wife it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. She really seemed to take a step back. Weeks later she told me it really bothered her and it wouldn’t happen again. I was disappointed but really didn’t push at all. Although I have brought it up from time to time she always shot the idea down instantly. This past weekend we had the same couple over. They came over early in the day and we enjoyed it sitting by the pool. Again we were drinking… We ended up sun tanning nude. Things progressed! This isn’t a first time story post but some of the things that happened are: I fingered both women at the same time, both women performed oral sex on both the men at the same time, both women went “skiing” (lol, masturbated both men at the same time), my friend went down on my wife and the girls had sex including oral and the use of many sex toys. The strange thing is we didn’t move to a bedroom or commit to anything. Things just kept happening all day and evening long. One of the women would give the other guy (not husband) a BJ for five or so minutes and that would end and then nothing would happen for a half hour until the next thing just happened??? The only thing that really went on was when the two girls had sex. They once again put on a hell of a show! So here lies my question. Last time I acted all excited. I actually thought my wife would want to hear how sexy she was, how turned on I was and most of all how much I loved her. That only seemed to make things worse. So this time I never said a word the next day. We went to grandmas to pick our little one up and everything is just fine. I did bring up the weekend Monday night. All I asked was if she had fun last weekend and she said ya, it was a fun weekend. So do I just leave it? I’m already hoping it’s not two years until our next encounter. Having said that, if that’s all she’s comfortable with I’ll take it because wow, wow… wow! Should I just leave things be or do any of you have any advice on how to broach this subject with kid gloves. I want to get together with the other couple again yesterday, but I don't want to pull the emergency break again! Sorry for such a long post!

This is one of the most interesting posts here because it gets to the heart of the contradictions we all have, how we deal with them, and how we make the most of our lives as humans. Our fundamental nature is to want a stable marriage, while having the freedom to become involved in other relationships. The shared idea on this Board is that overcoming feelings of sexual exclusiveness leads to great joy. Some stuggle to open up sexually, while others give to their spouse and receive sexual freedom easily but all seem to worry about emotional involvement. Most people here seem to fear emotional involvement and deal with it by having "just sex" with people they hardly know or devising any number of rules. I have no problem with that, just the way I have no problem with monogamy. But it seems to me that overcoming the hurdle of emotional exclusiveness can be just as rewarding as overcoming sexual exclusiveness. No doubt it is difficult. To watch one's spouse suddenly find fascination/infatuation in a new relationship can be difficult. So is doing the laundry, taking out the trash and doing all those other things we do for our spouse. However, it can also be, just like the sexual hotness of sharing, a real joy. And the fact is that after that infatuation is over there is more love than ever between the couple. Even the cheaters universally despised here usually don't want to end the marriage, the basic relationship is too important and too valuable. Even though I said that I feel like an outsider here because I do not swing in the usual sense (it's me and my two boys), this place has allowed me to see our arrangements as an achievement, not a deviancy. There is a shared joy here about what we have been able to accomplish by understanding ourselves, and much good advice. After conquering the reality of our sexual and emotional nonmonogamy, the final reality (one I haven't yet faced) is that it is not in our nature as humans to mate for life. While everything seems so grand now, I worry to some degree every day that it will fall apart at some point. Until them, I treasure what my sister said to me, "Do you know how fuckin' lucky you are, Petunia?" For now that's enough and makes work at keeping my "family" happy. So Mr. Van even if you two never touch, enjoy the high of your new relationship while working to keep the others happy.

Before I respond, Miss Confused, I must confess I haven't read all of the responses. Having walked in your husband's shoes (to an extent), I must agree with Alura's response. When a couple begins swinging, they see and feel things for which they are often unprepared. Things are not always very clear, especially to a healthy male. Most of us secretly fantasize about seeing our spouse with another man, but are not quite prepared for the mixed emotions that that experience may cause. When I saw my wife penetrated for the first time, I hated it and loved it at the same time. I had zero interest in his wife, so I missed out on my own initiation. Part of me wanted to "even the score," while the other part of me wanted to get home as fast as possible and bang her brains out like you and your husband, that's exactly what we did. While I never hooked up with anyone else because we refused to go to swing clubs alone, I can assure you that if I had, there were one or two women that we knew who could have talked me into anything. My advice is to forgive your husband. Both of you are learning. Swinging, no matter how close you think you may be, requires a major leap of faith, and sometimes things don't go as planned and someone screws up, often unintentionally. When your self-confidence level returns and you and your husband are ready to try again, you'll be a bit more prepared. Work on your relationship with each other first. Swinging will still be around. Best of luck to you.

Hey there! I won't say much here but, don't be discouraged yet. This takes time and major communication. It's a matter of changing a mindset. We are taught that you love one person and, if you really do love that person, you can not possibly love someone else as well. We are taught we only have a certain amount of romantic love to give and finding you love someone new must mean you love the original less. You are ahead of the others in your progress to get past this mindset. Poly is just like swinging in that it's best to go at the pace of the slowest. Hang in there. Both you and MrsVan. Vol

Sounds like an exciting day! That is how we started actually with some close friends, too much alcohol one night and wow..it's just snowballed from there. Anyway! Your wife probably is feeling confused, guilty, excited, aroused, confused and then guilty again. That's how I felt in the beginning. For me though it DID help when hubby told me how hot it was and how much he liked watched etc. She may just be feeling awkward about it and that is why she isn't talking. I would sit down with her and just ask how she felt about what happened throughout the day. It's important to communicate with each other and she needs to open up. Don't be pushy, just ease into the conversation. Just tell her you want to know what's going on in her head. Assure her you want to make sure SHE is okay with everything that happened (that possibly is an issue maybe she went farther then she was ready for or saw you doing something she didn't feel comfortable with but is having a hard time telling you?). Good luck and I hope things work out well for you guys!

Hello, Newbie_Guy, and allow me to extend a warm welcome to you. I doubt that anything you could describe would allow me to go into your wife's mind. But it does strikes me that alcohol was the facilitator for both intimate encounters. Do you think this fact contributed to the regret she expressed on the day following? Would the intimacy work with these friends if no alcohol was involved? If you approach swinging wisely, it will reward you nicely. You have now found The Swingersboard. Has your wife found it too? Might be worthwhile for her to know that the swing lifestyle is entirely "normal". ~Michael