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I did my best to stay away from this thread because I didn’t feel like anything I had to say would have any bearing on the situation or outcome (not that I would want it to), but there are so many similarities to many different personal experiences that I just couldn’t help adding my $0.02- for what it’s worth. LM made a good point in saying that this (on the surface at least) really has little to do with swinging- and I think that point needs to be stressed here in this thread. I have known several vanilla couples who were very close with other couples (or even casual acquaintances) that ended up in this dilemma. In fact, it’s almost a societal cliché that dates back to the beginning of written history. That being said, there are a couple of positives to take away from this thread IMO: For one, MrVan’s honesty (or perhaps integrity is a better word) with the situation is something a lot of people lack. If I had a dollar for every married person I knew that just “went with their feelings” or “let the chips fall where they may” when it came to feelings for someone other than their spouse I’d be able to swing a decent bar tab. The second thing to take away from this (though not a comfortable thought to many) is that developing feelings of affection towards close friends, especially those of the opposite sex, is normal- it’s the action one takes on those feelings, and the perceptions held by those affected by the situation, that determines the “morality” of the situation. In this case, MrVan’s feelings, while normal given the close nature of the relationship, are having an adverse affect on other people. That, in and of itself, is a no brainer- and I think Mr and MrsVan have stated as much. Another good thing about this thread is the communication process displayed here- and I feel, barring any unexpected or forbidden actions, that this will work itself out for the better as far as Mr and MrsVan are concerned because they CAN talk openly about their feelings- feelings that many people feel are taboo, but in reality are quite "normal." I believe that it is possible to be in love or have feelings of affection for two different people under certain circumstances… and I’m a firm believer that a person (unless they’re a true Type A) can’t avoid developing those feelings in situations where societal norms are pushed or broken. I don’t think there is any “explanation” that MrVan can give that will clarify the situation- it is what it is simply because it’s possible- if that makes any sense. The trick here is moving forward- and that’s just not something that’s easily explained away on a message board. There are too many variables that rely on personal traits, past histories, and socialization for that to be possible. As always, I believe identifying and understanding the “why” is more important than the “it.” Once a person can figure out the “why” behind an emotional dilemma they can understand and deal with the result. My advice would be to continue talking this out… first with each other and then with the other couple. This is really tricky territory, but if you have the trust… then the rest will come with time and patience. Last thing, I don't think having sex would have changed things. There's a fine line (IMO) between forbidden fruit, temptation, and actual love. If anything, a physical encounter would have made this worse. Just make sure the feelings are accurate and not some misguided desire. Again, it's the "why" that needs figuring out.

Welcome, twknight, to the world of active membership at Swingersboard. I have a strong suspicion that if we were loaned to this woman who has had no sex in a while, you would be thinking of your wife, the broad range of possible reactions that might be waiting for you upon your return home and you would have no fun. And what about the woman to whom you are loaned? How will she feel about herself the next morning? I believe you need to inquire a little further and learn the real reason your wife has made this suggestion. ~Michael